(no subject)
It's late, I should be tired, but I'm not. I mean, maybe a little, but I doubt I could fall asleep if I tried. I feel like such a whirl of emotions that I don't even know what to think or do. I'm depressed when I should be elated, confused and lost when I feel like I should know what to do. I can't even begin to imagine why I feel like this, either.
That dumb boy asked me out on a real date today and I said yes but I honestly don't even know if I meant it. I'm terrified and happy and confused at the same time. When a guy asks you out, you should feel like someone actually wants to be with you or at least see what it's like to be with you, but I feel more like this is a pity-date; that he's just asking for... I don't know what reason, but not because he really wants to be with me. Does that even make sense? I mean, why else would a guy ask a girl on a date if he didn't want to go out with her?
But we've known each other for a year. I met him last Canada Day, we spent the evening watching fireworks, movies and eating pizza. I got a little bit tipsy and I think that was a mistake, because I am moronically brave and a little bit silly when I'm drunk, apparently. I thought he was cute and I was practically all over him. That sounds worse than it was, but I felt like an idiot the next day. We were watching a movie and I sort of snuggled up to him, even though we hadn't known each other for more than a couple of hours. He had his hand on my leg and I think maybe we might have done more if my sister and brother in law hadn't been there, but I honestly don't think it was because he liked me, maybe only liked the look of me or the idea of me. Like I said, we'd only known each other for a few hours and most of those hours had been spent watching a movie and saying nothing.
When I left, I kissed him on the cheek. Later I sent him a text message saying I had a good time and that we should get together again. He said, at the time, that he'd like that and we were supposed to go out for sushi, since I had never been and apparently it's one of his favorite foods. But he never got back to me and I was a little irritated. I'm a traditionalist, so I thought he should ask me out, not the other way around. And my sister was giving me heck about it, how I should just suck it up and ask him. And then I did and he just... forgot about me?
I called him later and asked him to a movie but he said he was busy. He plays hockey. Like, a lot, so supposedly that was what he was doing, but it was such an awkward phone call I can't help thinking that maybe he just didn't like me. I gave up after that. I thought, if he doesn't make the same effort I'm making, then why bother? He obviously doesn't like me like that.
Then my sister, my brother-in-law, this guy and I went out bowling. It was a lot of fun. I love bowling. But he didn't say very much to me. In fact, I can't recall him saying two words to me, let alone indicating that he liked me even remotely. But I had fun bowling, and I hadn't actually counted on anything happening with him at this point, so maybe I was a bit disinterested. I didn't care.
So I moved on with my life. That sounds like I was hooked up on him, but I wasn't. I mean, I thought about it from time to time but after that, I just... gave up thinking that something might happen between us. It obviously wasn't meant to be, right? It happens. Besides, it wasn't like he'd asked me out either time in the first place. I'd been his best friend's wife's little tag-along sister. What did I honestly expect?
Anyway, this Canada Day, I posted on facebook that I didn't have any plans. He posted, two hours too late, that I should have come hung out with him, since he hadn't had anything to do either. I said that would have been fun, that we should get together some time and hang out. I honestly didn't expect him to ask me out on a date. I kind of secretly hoped, because to be honest, it's been over a year since I broke up with Kevin and I feel like I should have had at least another boyfriend since then.
And anyway, he did ask me out. He said we should get together, asked if I wanted to have a barbeque at his place and when I was available. I said I was pretty much available any time except Monday (shopping plans with mum). And then I got thinking about it. He's had about a hundred thousand chances to ask me out on a date before this and he never did. Why now? I sort of feel like maybe he's settling. He's been single just a bit longer than I have, and I feel like maybe he's desperate. Maybe he's not getting the booty-calls he'd hoped for or something. I don't know, but I just feel like I'm a consolation prize. I don't know why I feel that way, either, really. It just doesn't make any sense to me why he would wait so long to ask me out (a YEAR!).
I mean, mix that with the usual pre-date jitters, I'm pretty much a confused mess. Not to mention I feel so unattractive - especially compared to him. I mean, he's not an Adonis or anything, but he is in great shape. Like, really great shape. I guess I didn't worry about that with Kevin because it was obvious I was the pretty one in the relationship. Even if I put on some weight, it wasn't a big deal because he was a scrawny bag of bones. Next to this guy, I feel like an overweight sack of potatoes. And it's so stupid this feeling, because I look in the mirror right at this instant and I look cute. I know I look cute. Maybe not as fit as I should be, but I do look okay. I'm not even wearing any makeup and my hair is air-dried and kind of a mess, but I feel like I look okay. Just not good enough for him, which is just so ridiculous.
So all of these things are messing around with my head. I want to be excited and I am, because he is the first guy to ask me out in a year (god, doesn't that make me feel pathetic). And to be honest, I have absolutely no other prospects. I don't interact with men my age, period. Honestly, I don't know any. Well, that's not true, I do know a few but they are so far out of the question they don't even know what the question is. But I don't go out really, and my workplace is pretty much an over-fifty zone.
Am I overreacting? Overthinking? I don't know. I guess this date terrifies me because I honestly don't know what we have in common besides that we both like Mario Kart and bowling. And it's so silly, because I know as soon as I get thrust into the situation, I'll be cool and calm and totally amazing (hopefully.) It's like interviews; I'm completely horribly nervous about them, but once I get into the interview, I totally take control of the situation. I just wish I could avoid this whole nervous-nelly thing that makes me sick to my stomach.
It's just... I really want this to work. I'm not sure if I like the guy enough to even consider him boyfriend material (um, first date, hello) but I just feel like life is flying by me and I while everyone's grabbing onto it, it keeps slipping out of my reach. My job, which was so promising, just went out the window one day before I even knew it'd happened. My boyfriend broke up with me a day after buying me an expensive purse for no reason and asking me to marry him. My friends are all doing these amazing things and I feel like I'm sitting in the dust, waiting for the cloud to clear so I can get a baring on things, but just as it does, something rushes by again and I'm still waiting.
Sometimes I honestly feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I look at my sister and my friends and they all have their happy lives and I keep thinking 'When is it going to be my turn?' If you asked me at eighteen what I wanted by the time I was twenty-two, I would have said 'Married with at least one kid'. I don't even have a boyfriend or a steady job (I'm about to get laid off, for heaven's sake.) I live with my parents and can't afford to move out. I feel so trapped in this life, that I don't know what to do, don't know how to change it. Which is why, if a guy asks me out, I can't help hoping he'll whisk me away from all this.
I think I'll eternally be that six year old girl, watching her Disney princess movies and hoping that one day, I'll be rescued by Prince Charming, too. But then my adult self kicks the little girl and tells her that that's not real life. There is no Prince Charming, that life is loneliness and it doesn't get better than what it is. It's depressing, but sometimes I honestly feel like that's the truth.
But honestly, the point of it all is that something just feels wrong about this date. I don't want to say that, I don't want to jinx it or even make something out of nothing, but why would he ask me out after a year? It just doesn't make sense. It's not like we're better acquainted than we were a year ago. Nothing has changed; nothing I can see.
That dumb boy asked me out on a real date today and I said yes but I honestly don't even know if I meant it. I'm terrified and happy and confused at the same time. When a guy asks you out, you should feel like someone actually wants to be with you or at least see what it's like to be with you, but I feel more like this is a pity-date; that he's just asking for... I don't know what reason, but not because he really wants to be with me. Does that even make sense? I mean, why else would a guy ask a girl on a date if he didn't want to go out with her?
But we've known each other for a year. I met him last Canada Day, we spent the evening watching fireworks, movies and eating pizza. I got a little bit tipsy and I think that was a mistake, because I am moronically brave and a little bit silly when I'm drunk, apparently. I thought he was cute and I was practically all over him. That sounds worse than it was, but I felt like an idiot the next day. We were watching a movie and I sort of snuggled up to him, even though we hadn't known each other for more than a couple of hours. He had his hand on my leg and I think maybe we might have done more if my sister and brother in law hadn't been there, but I honestly don't think it was because he liked me, maybe only liked the look of me or the idea of me. Like I said, we'd only known each other for a few hours and most of those hours had been spent watching a movie and saying nothing.
When I left, I kissed him on the cheek. Later I sent him a text message saying I had a good time and that we should get together again. He said, at the time, that he'd like that and we were supposed to go out for sushi, since I had never been and apparently it's one of his favorite foods. But he never got back to me and I was a little irritated. I'm a traditionalist, so I thought he should ask me out, not the other way around. And my sister was giving me heck about it, how I should just suck it up and ask him. And then I did and he just... forgot about me?
I called him later and asked him to a movie but he said he was busy. He plays hockey. Like, a lot, so supposedly that was what he was doing, but it was such an awkward phone call I can't help thinking that maybe he just didn't like me. I gave up after that. I thought, if he doesn't make the same effort I'm making, then why bother? He obviously doesn't like me like that.
Then my sister, my brother-in-law, this guy and I went out bowling. It was a lot of fun. I love bowling. But he didn't say very much to me. In fact, I can't recall him saying two words to me, let alone indicating that he liked me even remotely. But I had fun bowling, and I hadn't actually counted on anything happening with him at this point, so maybe I was a bit disinterested. I didn't care.
So I moved on with my life. That sounds like I was hooked up on him, but I wasn't. I mean, I thought about it from time to time but after that, I just... gave up thinking that something might happen between us. It obviously wasn't meant to be, right? It happens. Besides, it wasn't like he'd asked me out either time in the first place. I'd been his best friend's wife's little tag-along sister. What did I honestly expect?
Anyway, this Canada Day, I posted on facebook that I didn't have any plans. He posted, two hours too late, that I should have come hung out with him, since he hadn't had anything to do either. I said that would have been fun, that we should get together some time and hang out. I honestly didn't expect him to ask me out on a date. I kind of secretly hoped, because to be honest, it's been over a year since I broke up with Kevin and I feel like I should have had at least another boyfriend since then.
And anyway, he did ask me out. He said we should get together, asked if I wanted to have a barbeque at his place and when I was available. I said I was pretty much available any time except Monday (shopping plans with mum). And then I got thinking about it. He's had about a hundred thousand chances to ask me out on a date before this and he never did. Why now? I sort of feel like maybe he's settling. He's been single just a bit longer than I have, and I feel like maybe he's desperate. Maybe he's not getting the booty-calls he'd hoped for or something. I don't know, but I just feel like I'm a consolation prize. I don't know why I feel that way, either, really. It just doesn't make any sense to me why he would wait so long to ask me out (a YEAR!).
I mean, mix that with the usual pre-date jitters, I'm pretty much a confused mess. Not to mention I feel so unattractive - especially compared to him. I mean, he's not an Adonis or anything, but he is in great shape. Like, really great shape. I guess I didn't worry about that with Kevin because it was obvious I was the pretty one in the relationship. Even if I put on some weight, it wasn't a big deal because he was a scrawny bag of bones. Next to this guy, I feel like an overweight sack of potatoes. And it's so stupid this feeling, because I look in the mirror right at this instant and I look cute. I know I look cute. Maybe not as fit as I should be, but I do look okay. I'm not even wearing any makeup and my hair is air-dried and kind of a mess, but I feel like I look okay. Just not good enough for him, which is just so ridiculous.
So all of these things are messing around with my head. I want to be excited and I am, because he is the first guy to ask me out in a year (god, doesn't that make me feel pathetic). And to be honest, I have absolutely no other prospects. I don't interact with men my age, period. Honestly, I don't know any. Well, that's not true, I do know a few but they are so far out of the question they don't even know what the question is. But I don't go out really, and my workplace is pretty much an over-fifty zone.
Am I overreacting? Overthinking? I don't know. I guess this date terrifies me because I honestly don't know what we have in common besides that we both like Mario Kart and bowling. And it's so silly, because I know as soon as I get thrust into the situation, I'll be cool and calm and totally amazing (hopefully.) It's like interviews; I'm completely horribly nervous about them, but once I get into the interview, I totally take control of the situation. I just wish I could avoid this whole nervous-nelly thing that makes me sick to my stomach.
It's just... I really want this to work. I'm not sure if I like the guy enough to even consider him boyfriend material (um, first date, hello) but I just feel like life is flying by me and I while everyone's grabbing onto it, it keeps slipping out of my reach. My job, which was so promising, just went out the window one day before I even knew it'd happened. My boyfriend broke up with me a day after buying me an expensive purse for no reason and asking me to marry him. My friends are all doing these amazing things and I feel like I'm sitting in the dust, waiting for the cloud to clear so I can get a baring on things, but just as it does, something rushes by again and I'm still waiting.
Sometimes I honestly feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I look at my sister and my friends and they all have their happy lives and I keep thinking 'When is it going to be my turn?' If you asked me at eighteen what I wanted by the time I was twenty-two, I would have said 'Married with at least one kid'. I don't even have a boyfriend or a steady job (I'm about to get laid off, for heaven's sake.) I live with my parents and can't afford to move out. I feel so trapped in this life, that I don't know what to do, don't know how to change it. Which is why, if a guy asks me out, I can't help hoping he'll whisk me away from all this.
I think I'll eternally be that six year old girl, watching her Disney princess movies and hoping that one day, I'll be rescued by Prince Charming, too. But then my adult self kicks the little girl and tells her that that's not real life. There is no Prince Charming, that life is loneliness and it doesn't get better than what it is. It's depressing, but sometimes I honestly feel like that's the truth.
But honestly, the point of it all is that something just feels wrong about this date. I don't want to say that, I don't want to jinx it or even make something out of nothing, but why would he ask me out after a year? It just doesn't make sense. It's not like we're better acquainted than we were a year ago. Nothing has changed; nothing I can see.