(no subject)
The words don't come anymore. The thoughts and feelings I grew to love and loathe are dulled, beaten into subconscious submission by an unrelenting desire to disappear. And I don't know what to say anymore. I'm irritable and dissatisfied, still. It gets worse, most of the time, when I'm away from the computer. I have this feeling like I'm waiting for something, like an email or letter or something that will somehow change things. As if just being here made it a possibility.
It's as if I'm addicted to something that doesn't exist, so I can never get "my fix." I want to run away, be someone else, away from responsibilities and obligations and futures I can't handle.
I'm afraid. Still. And I doubt it's just me (as in, I'm hardly the only one afraid). I'm afraid of being powerless, of being put into a situation I can't handle without any escape. I'm afraid of being trapped. I'm just... afraid. And it sounds so silly when I write it. When I think about it. When I spread my mind out like a scroll, with all the parts diagrammed and dissected.
But, hell, I don't know.
I feel like I'm having mood swings. Everything I've written is a statement applicable to different times. Right now, at this moment, all I feel is tired.
So maybe that's all it is. Chemical imbalances. Your guess is as good as mine.
It's as if I'm addicted to something that doesn't exist, so I can never get "my fix." I want to run away, be someone else, away from responsibilities and obligations and futures I can't handle.
I'm afraid. Still. And I doubt it's just me (as in, I'm hardly the only one afraid). I'm afraid of being powerless, of being put into a situation I can't handle without any escape. I'm afraid of being trapped. I'm just... afraid. And it sounds so silly when I write it. When I think about it. When I spread my mind out like a scroll, with all the parts diagrammed and dissected.
But, hell, I don't know.
I feel like I'm having mood swings. Everything I've written is a statement applicable to different times. Right now, at this moment, all I feel is tired.
So maybe that's all it is. Chemical imbalances. Your guess is as good as mine.