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[indubitablydyl]

 Things become tricky when I begin to lose the distinction between rage and desire.  When dissatisfaction and self-hate are one, and all I want to do is get myself eviscerated before I unleash upon someone else

Comments

[captaintyler]

I think normal is taking every simple comment personally, and then using those comments to feel bad about yourself on an almost daily basis. Or maybe it's living up to society's expectations so that no on looks at you funny, and acting superior to keep from feeling bad about yourself. Or maybe it's being constantly sad about the general state of the world, and blaming yourself for not being able to do more. Or maybe it's hoping for something violent to happen to you, just so that you feel alive. Who knows?

I might go so far as to say your behavior is unhealthy and possibly dangerous, but "normal" is a slippery word.

Sometimes your actions are confusing: You don't want to be alone, and yet when you are feeling down, you wander the isolated Ag campus. When you know you could always call someone...anyone who cares about you...and they would be happy to join you, (try to) help you, talk to you, whatever. Sure it was late, but it was Friday night. We were awake.

I wish I could be more helpful to you, but I fail. I will say that self-hate seems unnecessary in your case. And maybe it would do you some good to unleash upon someone. I would hope that they would understand if they know you and read this blog. Good luck.

[indubitablydyl]

It's kind of a vicious cycle where I feel negatively towards others and then feel negatively towards myself because I feel negatively towards others etc. In those situations, it's generally better for me to be alone.

But it's confusing to me as well. I don't really know what's wrong with me, just a bunch of hints. I guess that's what summer's for, eh?