(no subject)
i am forgetting how to format dates. is it day/month/year or month/day/year? this is a sure sign i should be going home soon. the presentation went pretty darn well, aside from a verbal mis-step on my part that had my ceo and my customers laughing so hard they was almost crying, and led to intense ribbing for the rest of the day. (not that that is any different from any given day) ah well, better laughing at a presentation than most other reactions. bottom line, they were happy and we get to carry on...
and with that, the year is getting ready to close out, except for one more event: tomorrow i get assigned my case children. it was supposed to happen earlier, but the fires, travel, and schedules prevented this till tomorrow. i am nervous. the only thing i know is that i will be working with older kids -- kids who have little to chance of being adopted out of the system. i have to admit, i was getting a bit bogged down in all the training. in addition to the classes, which, while trying to be optimistic, had no choice but to prepare you for reality, i had been obsessively reading all i could on adopted children, abuse cases and the foster care system. i started to look at anyone alone with a child in a distrustful way. i couldn't help it, these thoughts would just saturate my head. i started to question relationships, and wonder if there was anybody you could really trust. i needed a break from this narrow, narrow view on people. i needed to take some time to focus on some of the incredible people i know, and the good they put out in the world, to clear my head. so, its probably best i had a little time between the training and actually being assigned my case.
i am still left wondering what impact i will have. 40-60% of the kids who go through foster care end up homeless. and its really not surprising, given the restrictions the system places on them. its good that the system is there, but it doesn't prepare kids for much else other than living on the streets or in jail. so, is that what my goal is going to be -- try to convince these kids who have undergone misery and torture difficult to imagine that there is something better than the street? would i care or listen, if in their position? is my stretch goal to convince them to stay out of jail? and why would they listen to me, a woman with a decent job, relatively stable support system and an education? i guess i am doubting what i can do.
on the last day of training, a girl - maybe 19 - who had gone through the system came and talked to us. she had had an advocate from our organization, and was there to give us hope that we could have a positive impact. she was well chosen for that, an incredible speaker, wise to people and their tricks, realistic but still hopeful and incredibly, fiercely, driven. but, also, the exception rather than the rule. i asked her what we could do that would be most helpful to the kids who are on there way to out of the foster care system. her answer was an obvious one, but often overlooked in building trust: be consistent. follow through. most of these kids move every 6 months or so and have never had that. they have had plenty of people step in to their lives and at best, do nothing for them, and at worse, well, do much worse to them. it is interesting, but evil seems to attract evil, and patterns that are set up have a way of repeating for a long time.
so, i take this very seriously. the minimum commitment is 1.5 years, and usually goes for much longer. its not like i don't have the time -- i rarely work over 50hrs a week. but, i am scared. this year has been incredible, as i have been learning to rely on myself again, and be able to take on goals again, but it hasn't been without foible. i am questioning whether i am ready for this. i will talk it over with my case worker tomorrow, and see what she has to say. i can't imagine that my concerns are unique to people starting this program. i know i have a hell of a time finishing things sometimes and that i can be a chicken, and i can't tell if this is a case of that, or if i should genuinely take some more time before i take this on. hmmmm
and with that, the year is getting ready to close out, except for one more event: tomorrow i get assigned my case children. it was supposed to happen earlier, but the fires, travel, and schedules prevented this till tomorrow. i am nervous. the only thing i know is that i will be working with older kids -- kids who have little to chance of being adopted out of the system. i have to admit, i was getting a bit bogged down in all the training. in addition to the classes, which, while trying to be optimistic, had no choice but to prepare you for reality, i had been obsessively reading all i could on adopted children, abuse cases and the foster care system. i started to look at anyone alone with a child in a distrustful way. i couldn't help it, these thoughts would just saturate my head. i started to question relationships, and wonder if there was anybody you could really trust. i needed a break from this narrow, narrow view on people. i needed to take some time to focus on some of the incredible people i know, and the good they put out in the world, to clear my head. so, its probably best i had a little time between the training and actually being assigned my case.
i am still left wondering what impact i will have. 40-60% of the kids who go through foster care end up homeless. and its really not surprising, given the restrictions the system places on them. its good that the system is there, but it doesn't prepare kids for much else other than living on the streets or in jail. so, is that what my goal is going to be -- try to convince these kids who have undergone misery and torture difficult to imagine that there is something better than the street? would i care or listen, if in their position? is my stretch goal to convince them to stay out of jail? and why would they listen to me, a woman with a decent job, relatively stable support system and an education? i guess i am doubting what i can do.
on the last day of training, a girl - maybe 19 - who had gone through the system came and talked to us. she had had an advocate from our organization, and was there to give us hope that we could have a positive impact. she was well chosen for that, an incredible speaker, wise to people and their tricks, realistic but still hopeful and incredibly, fiercely, driven. but, also, the exception rather than the rule. i asked her what we could do that would be most helpful to the kids who are on there way to out of the foster care system. her answer was an obvious one, but often overlooked in building trust: be consistent. follow through. most of these kids move every 6 months or so and have never had that. they have had plenty of people step in to their lives and at best, do nothing for them, and at worse, well, do much worse to them. it is interesting, but evil seems to attract evil, and patterns that are set up have a way of repeating for a long time.
so, i take this very seriously. the minimum commitment is 1.5 years, and usually goes for much longer. its not like i don't have the time -- i rarely work over 50hrs a week. but, i am scared. this year has been incredible, as i have been learning to rely on myself again, and be able to take on goals again, but it hasn't been without foible. i am questioning whether i am ready for this. i will talk it over with my case worker tomorrow, and see what she has to say. i can't imagine that my concerns are unique to people starting this program. i know i have a hell of a time finishing things sometimes and that i can be a chicken, and i can't tell if this is a case of that, or if i should genuinely take some more time before i take this on. hmmmm