i can't fucking stop.

[indoorumbrella]

my sanity's slow downfall on this particular night would be because of the pictures. i've been going through photobucket, and after the collage of me and alison and our incredibly fearless and amazing time as best friends, came seattle. seattle for the first time. i can feel it, it's underneathe my skin. i was starting to become afraid that it might be easy to forget it all, i wanted to have atleast small moments of memory, if not the whole thing. but i'm getting it all. all of the fucking pictures. i remember the story behind every single one of them. and if there's not a story, there are atleast a few choice words and smiles that i can pin to them. twinkles in our eyes, and the happiest i had ever been up to that point, and feeling the most beautiful i ever had. so blind and ignorant but who cares? it was the first. and it lasted so fucking long. and now i can't stop dwelling. yeah, it's getting better but i'm still wishing i could go up there to see his big show at el corazon at the end of december. he's grown so much and i'm so proud of him and i just wish i could still be a part of it so i can erase, or atleast cover up, all the mistakes i made and all the things i should have done with fresh happy memories and actually telling him how proud i am of him for once. there was a window of me being like that for him, but i know it was only because i knew that's what he wanted to hear. yes, he was talented, and i was happy to be a part of it but when it came down to either going to his band practice or staying home and smoking a bowl with jenna i can almost guarantee where the majority would be. so many should haves. and the worst part of it all is that it doesn't feel like it's too late. it feels like all the mistakes are just a tiny corner of what it all is. this should be something that can be saved but maybe it's really not. maybe all it was, was a first. a nice first story to tell down the road and dwell on in the back of my head for the rest of my forever. all because i was too stupid to see what i had.

great. that's just fucking great. it's been a year, i should be way passed this fucking point.