March 2nd 2004
Remember Jamie's Insanity? I think I know the place where she was at. @ 04:00 pm
But at a different exit.
I think I figured myself out, and I'm not liking it.
I have come to the conclusion that I just ying and yang my life, with no moderation inbetween, and as much as I would love to say the classic line "Moderation is for losers" it is not. It's all or nothing for me. It's inherently good Jenn or inherently bad Jenn.
Examples:
At work I am the good hard worker. Without even a year of experience there, I somehow scored a shot at the supervisor position. I am doing the new employee handbook. I exceed goals and expectations. I help others who have been there for years figure out things.
In my personal life I am chaotic and careless. Im a slobby person, I do not have any order at home. I refuse to cook cause it takes effort that I do not have. I prefer to sit on my ass or go out with friends and sit and get drunk.
Love and Sex:
When I really like someone I get nauseaus at the thought of sex. I get nauseaus at the thought of anything more than PG13 rated sex. I freak the fuck out. People who I do not want a relationship with or know one wont happen, I am easy as 1+1. When the combination of love and sex gets combined, I become obscenely sensitive, fear of everything failing, and at the same time I get bitchy and jealous.
Drinking:
I do not socially drink, I drink just to get drunk. If I dont want to be drunk, I do not go to a bar or social situations tht encourage drinking.
Money:
At times (more not than often) I heart spending money. I budget and plan! Most times, I say "fuck my bank statement" and go on sprees.
Kids, I conclude I am manic. Not manic depressive , well maybe that but I do not feel any of the symptoms other than the mania, so I just assume I am manic. Though I question maybe its just my age.
Gah
I am seriously fighting constantly consciously and subconciously these feelings and conflicting thougts and I hardly think about it, but I am now, and it just sucks that I think I know whats wrong with me and part of me wants to change it but tht other part doesnt.
And you can be like "Oh just have fun" and at times I do but I always regret it, later rather than sooner.
And then I think that maybe everyone is like this, thinking one thing but they arent really that bad but I do not know. Maybe my grandiose helpings of self deprication fuck my mind a little.
Im done ranting.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
SAME.AS.IT.EVER.WAS.
I just dont act on those feelings now, as ugh, well its bad. It's a good time but a quick way to destroy my life. I actively have to ask myself if I want to continue this route, and the answer is yes for now, but a huge part of me still wants to just fuck it all and live a chaotic life. It's not healthy, I know, I KNOW! Not getting sloppy drunk is the easiest way to keep that from happening so I dont do it. Do I want to do it? YES but i dont.
I really can't overstate how much I wrestle with this. I am catching myself spending more than I should be but I am also financially okay but its such a slippery slope with that too!
Oh and I still talk to Instacrush. We went weeks without really talking much or anything but the other day I posted in my story how I was being sent home to work for an indefinite amount of time due to Covid-19 and how I really DONT want to work from home (still dont, but am!) and we were chatting back and forth and it was me being like: "If i work from home I will cave into my true desires to be a garbage person...no showers, pajamas all day erry day, shitty food, binging netflix, its just gonna go donwhill" and then he responded "if you add take a shower and order tacos Im down" and I was all like wtF internally but accidentally ended up "liking" his comment. WTF JENN WTF. Obviously i havent brought up my boyfriend cause there is no casual way to just bring it up in our convos (that are generally NOT OVERLY FLIRTATIOUS) and like I also dont want to. I admit it! Eventhough if I were single Instacrush is not my type at all but something makes me be super intrigued! So since that happened I am sure it will be another month before we talk other than reacting to eachothers stories and liking photos.
As said, I am working from home now for an indefinite period of time and I hate it! 20 something Jenn would LOVE it though. I mean I am getting work done, but it feels off, like I also dont want to associate home with working my job. Also I kind of miss interacting with people! But not the bus, no, I do not miss that. Even my drum lessons now are recorded due to this. And schools are being closed for two weeks. The goal is to keep people away from people but like my gym is still open (and ill probably go tomorrow, or walk by the lake if its not shitty out) and everything else. I am not worried as I am not a risk at all. Ive always washed my hands and avoided touching things that people touch and I have hand sanitizer just in case I do. I have no risks to my health that would make this that awful, save my allergies which ARE awful right now. My air purifier broke but the new one is due soon, and it needs to come sooner as the tree pollen is INSANE.
Other than that i just keep buying peanuts to feed the squirrels/crows as I need something not sitting at the computer to do and they get food, and i get entertained. This is SAD lol.
xoxox
Jenn
But at a different exit.
I think I figured myself out, and I'm not liking it.
I have come to the conclusion that I just ying and yang my life, with no moderation inbetween, and as much as I would love to say the classic line "Moderation is for losers" it is not. It's all or nothing for me. It's inherently good Jenn or inherently bad Jenn.
Examples:
At work I am the good hard worker. Without even a year of experience there, I somehow scored a shot at the supervisor position. I am doing the new employee handbook. I exceed goals and expectations. I help others who have been there for years figure out things.
In my personal life I am chaotic and careless. Im a slobby person, I do not have any order at home. I refuse to cook cause it takes effort that I do not have. I prefer to sit on my ass or go out with friends and sit and get drunk.
Love and Sex:
When I really like someone I get nauseaus at the thought of sex. I get nauseaus at the thought of anything more than PG13 rated sex. I freak the fuck out. People who I do not want a relationship with or know one wont happen, I am easy as 1+1. When the combination of love and sex gets combined, I become obscenely sensitive, fear of everything failing, and at the same time I get bitchy and jealous.
Drinking:
I do not socially drink, I drink just to get drunk. If I dont want to be drunk, I do not go to a bar or social situations tht encourage drinking.
Money:
At times (more not than often) I heart spending money. I budget and plan! Most times, I say "fuck my bank statement" and go on sprees.
Kids, I conclude I am manic. Not manic depressive , well maybe that but I do not feel any of the symptoms other than the mania, so I just assume I am manic. Though I question maybe its just my age.
Gah
I am seriously fighting constantly consciously and subconciously these feelings and conflicting thougts and I hardly think about it, but I am now, and it just sucks that I think I know whats wrong with me and part of me wants to change it but tht other part doesnt.
And you can be like "Oh just have fun" and at times I do but I always regret it, later rather than sooner.
And then I think that maybe everyone is like this, thinking one thing but they arent really that bad but I do not know. Maybe my grandiose helpings of self deprication fuck my mind a little.
Im done ranting.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
SAME.AS.IT.EVER.WAS.
I just dont act on those feelings now, as ugh, well its bad. It's a good time but a quick way to destroy my life. I actively have to ask myself if I want to continue this route, and the answer is yes for now, but a huge part of me still wants to just fuck it all and live a chaotic life. It's not healthy, I know, I KNOW! Not getting sloppy drunk is the easiest way to keep that from happening so I dont do it. Do I want to do it? YES but i dont.
I really can't overstate how much I wrestle with this. I am catching myself spending more than I should be but I am also financially okay but its such a slippery slope with that too!
Oh and I still talk to Instacrush. We went weeks without really talking much or anything but the other day I posted in my story how I was being sent home to work for an indefinite amount of time due to Covid-19 and how I really DONT want to work from home (still dont, but am!) and we were chatting back and forth and it was me being like: "If i work from home I will cave into my true desires to be a garbage person...no showers, pajamas all day erry day, shitty food, binging netflix, its just gonna go donwhill" and then he responded "if you add take a shower and order tacos Im down" and I was all like wtF internally but accidentally ended up "liking" his comment. WTF JENN WTF. Obviously i havent brought up my boyfriend cause there is no casual way to just bring it up in our convos (that are generally NOT OVERLY FLIRTATIOUS) and like I also dont want to. I admit it! Eventhough if I were single Instacrush is not my type at all but something makes me be super intrigued! So since that happened I am sure it will be another month before we talk other than reacting to eachothers stories and liking photos.
As said, I am working from home now for an indefinite period of time and I hate it! 20 something Jenn would LOVE it though. I mean I am getting work done, but it feels off, like I also dont want to associate home with working my job. Also I kind of miss interacting with people! But not the bus, no, I do not miss that. Even my drum lessons now are recorded due to this. And schools are being closed for two weeks. The goal is to keep people away from people but like my gym is still open (and ill probably go tomorrow, or walk by the lake if its not shitty out) and everything else. I am not worried as I am not a risk at all. Ive always washed my hands and avoided touching things that people touch and I have hand sanitizer just in case I do. I have no risks to my health that would make this that awful, save my allergies which ARE awful right now. My air purifier broke but the new one is due soon, and it needs to come sooner as the tree pollen is INSANE.
Other than that i just keep buying peanuts to feed the squirrels/crows as I need something not sitting at the computer to do and they get food, and i get entertained. This is SAD lol.
xoxox
Jenn