repetition makes me ill
The way this feels is almost painfully hard to describe.
I'm being pulled in both directions and its getting pretty gross, pretty difficult. I stopped talking to this dude James that I had been having contact with for a pretty substantial amount of time. I stopped talking to him because there were others besides me. Funny cuz there were two others outside of him, and one of those still remains, as a new prospect that has the absolute face of a doll is working his way in. James. Thinking about him, about this makes me crave cigarettes. I was okay until I started thinking about this too much. Thinking about the look on Luis' face when he asked who was coming to my party, the obvious things. I feel so close to him whenever I see him, I feel very comfortable when I'm with him. But I guess that's part of the game, that's what's to be achieved prior to getting into someone's pants. Or should I say a girl's pants. Comfort.
Then there's the thought of, o well maybe I should just date a girl, I love women. But I really do want one person, and one partner, but then I DO get sick of people really quickly, so maybe I should just do what I'm doing and take the intimacy I can get. But then again, I'm too pretty for this, I should just shun everyone and leave everyone the fuck alone. But I want to be touched, it won't be here forever, and who said I could even function inside of a relationship at all right now I have so much school and so much other bullshit going on right now, I can barely handle a platonic friend being in my life all the time. I don't even have time to go out. Maybe I should just do what feels good. James feels great, in every meaning of that word. Or amazing, amazing I should say. He makes me feel so delicious and I open up to him completely and that freedom in itself is more incredible than what I can explain of it in words. But is that dangerous? But don't I know what I'm getting into? Am I being too easy? Wtf does easy even mean? Easy by society's standards? Should I say fuck society? Or should I succumb to the society I live in? That's never been my style...then why does it feel a little...hurtful? Is it because of what I'm used to? But I'm used to never having a boyfriend and just tasting a little bit of everyone. So do I think I'm ready for one person? I would like to be...but I couldn't even handle my best friend for too long...and obviously its not time if even love spells backfire. Wtf, man. WTF. Even thinking about this is making me tired. I need a fuckin joint.
Some things never change, and that's the worst part.
I'm being pulled in both directions and its getting pretty gross, pretty difficult. I stopped talking to this dude James that I had been having contact with for a pretty substantial amount of time. I stopped talking to him because there were others besides me. Funny cuz there were two others outside of him, and one of those still remains, as a new prospect that has the absolute face of a doll is working his way in. James. Thinking about him, about this makes me crave cigarettes. I was okay until I started thinking about this too much. Thinking about the look on Luis' face when he asked who was coming to my party, the obvious things. I feel so close to him whenever I see him, I feel very comfortable when I'm with him. But I guess that's part of the game, that's what's to be achieved prior to getting into someone's pants. Or should I say a girl's pants. Comfort.
Then there's the thought of, o well maybe I should just date a girl, I love women. But I really do want one person, and one partner, but then I DO get sick of people really quickly, so maybe I should just do what I'm doing and take the intimacy I can get. But then again, I'm too pretty for this, I should just shun everyone and leave everyone the fuck alone. But I want to be touched, it won't be here forever, and who said I could even function inside of a relationship at all right now I have so much school and so much other bullshit going on right now, I can barely handle a platonic friend being in my life all the time. I don't even have time to go out. Maybe I should just do what feels good. James feels great, in every meaning of that word. Or amazing, amazing I should say. He makes me feel so delicious and I open up to him completely and that freedom in itself is more incredible than what I can explain of it in words. But is that dangerous? But don't I know what I'm getting into? Am I being too easy? Wtf does easy even mean? Easy by society's standards? Should I say fuck society? Or should I succumb to the society I live in? That's never been my style...then why does it feel a little...hurtful? Is it because of what I'm used to? But I'm used to never having a boyfriend and just tasting a little bit of everyone. So do I think I'm ready for one person? I would like to be...but I couldn't even handle my best friend for too long...and obviously its not time if even love spells backfire. Wtf, man. WTF. Even thinking about this is making me tired. I need a fuckin joint.
Some things never change, and that's the worst part.