Broken strands of thought
Time passes so quickly now a days. Paydays are two weeks apart, but I usually just don't think about money because the two weeks pass in a blink of an eye. I am too busy and never get things done that I intend to. Animazement is a month and half away and I haven't worked on the Imphy Cosplay in forever. I dunno if I'll even have two costumes this year. Part of me wants to make wings for the Suu black lace dress and just wear that again (but I need to redo the boots). It'll be full blown spring in a week or two and I want a garden, so I need to get working on that .. I'm moving out of this apartment before June, I must remember that! The weekends of May are already filling up. Possibly visit Arizona, trip to the mountains with Jon, Anime con, maybe go to the beach with Elene and Josh.
I haven't even tried to sell the diamond - so I don't have funds for Thailand. I'm seriously considering selling my eggs to Duke to get the $3000. Dear El, if I could pay off my credit cards, that would relieve such a stress off of me. The radio has been advertising the procedure and they are looking for willing adults. I think I'm cute and look good on paper.
Sex and love have been on my mind. I've always hidden my pessimistic view of love. I'm jealous of people who believe in soul mates. How one person is the only person for them. My mom felt that way for my father. Now Joe says he feels that way for me. I always felt that I could love anyone with a good heart - the only dependents of staying power being how compatible the friendship, sex and lifestyle are. I was always hoping to find my one true match - but at this point in my life, I can't say that I've been convinced that ideal exists. I loved Joe so fucking hard in all the ways that I could and it didn't seem to matter. He wasn't happy with life and I couldn't change that. He had priorities that were above me and I felt neglected. He still desired to do stupid things of youth - I never wanted to force him to change - he should enjoy the freedoms now. I personally always felt that if you care for someone enough, touch them enough, are supportive of them enough and listen and bond on an emotional level - they will say they love you. Thats it. To me you could easily convince someone to love you - its not hard, just takes time and commitment. Someone on my friends list said, "What really matters is how sex allows me to explore my significant other is ways words cannot." I dunno why - but that sentiment is love. Using the body to convey where words fail. Thats why sex is so important to me. You can lie with words, but its harder with sex. Sex takes time and emotion. Sure you can fuck someone and it be meaningless and awesome, but if it really means nothing - you can't keep it up forever. When you stop having frequent sex - something is wrong with the relationship. Maybe it just means life is busy, maybe it means someone is sad or sick or maybe it means that you are no longer the top priority ... but when the sex is gone something is wrong. The relationship goes from lovers to friends. I'm sure people will disagree with me - but thats how I feel. Thats the only consistent sign I've ever seen in the relationships I've been in.
I don't even want to post this entry .. but its been sitting on my computer for a few days so here. I'll probably update again tonight talking about actual things. I feel sad tonight. I need hugs.
I haven't even tried to sell the diamond - so I don't have funds for Thailand. I'm seriously considering selling my eggs to Duke to get the $3000. Dear El, if I could pay off my credit cards, that would relieve such a stress off of me. The radio has been advertising the procedure and they are looking for willing adults. I think I'm cute and look good on paper.
Sex and love have been on my mind. I've always hidden my pessimistic view of love. I'm jealous of people who believe in soul mates. How one person is the only person for them. My mom felt that way for my father. Now Joe says he feels that way for me. I always felt that I could love anyone with a good heart - the only dependents of staying power being how compatible the friendship, sex and lifestyle are. I was always hoping to find my one true match - but at this point in my life, I can't say that I've been convinced that ideal exists. I loved Joe so fucking hard in all the ways that I could and it didn't seem to matter. He wasn't happy with life and I couldn't change that. He had priorities that were above me and I felt neglected. He still desired to do stupid things of youth - I never wanted to force him to change - he should enjoy the freedoms now. I personally always felt that if you care for someone enough, touch them enough, are supportive of them enough and listen and bond on an emotional level - they will say they love you. Thats it. To me you could easily convince someone to love you - its not hard, just takes time and commitment. Someone on my friends list said, "What really matters is how sex allows me to explore my significant other is ways words cannot." I dunno why - but that sentiment is love. Using the body to convey where words fail. Thats why sex is so important to me. You can lie with words, but its harder with sex. Sex takes time and emotion. Sure you can fuck someone and it be meaningless and awesome, but if it really means nothing - you can't keep it up forever. When you stop having frequent sex - something is wrong with the relationship. Maybe it just means life is busy, maybe it means someone is sad or sick or maybe it means that you are no longer the top priority ... but when the sex is gone something is wrong. The relationship goes from lovers to friends. I'm sure people will disagree with me - but thats how I feel. Thats the only consistent sign I've ever seen in the relationships I've been in.
I don't even want to post this entry .. but its been sitting on my computer for a few days so here. I'll probably update again tonight talking about actual things. I feel sad tonight. I need hugs.