I cried today...
I cried today. It came out of nowhere. I had just gotten back from having drinks with a friend (and no I wasn't drunk). I went online when I got home and went on Facebook because I'm still mildly obsessed. There were a couple things written from friends that made me feel nice...like they really miss me being in their lives, cause lord knows I miss them. Not a day goes by that I don't have a great memory pop in my head and make me smile.
Where it all went downhill was when I decided to start looking at pictures too. Seeing all the smiles, and not just fake smile for the camera smiles, but real genuine having a great time and really seriously happy smiles. All the fun times, all their faces, and being able to hear their voices and laughs in the back of my mind. I knew I would miss my friends, but I didn't realize I would miss them this much. Because it's not just that I miss them, it's that I miss what I had, what I'll never have again, and the thought that I may have taken all those laughs and smiles for granted.
I've been here almost three months and this was the first real time that I really broke down and had a good cry because of how much I missed home, and it wasn't over my mom or dad or sister, it was over my friends, because for the last few years they have been my true family, who I've spent a ridiculous amount of time with. And to go from everything to nothing in a blink of the eye creates quite a bit of shock, and today the shock wore off and the sadness rolled in.
I want to come home more then anything, but a part of me is almost scared. I know things are different now, that everyone isn't attached at the hip like we used to be. I don't want to get my hopes up, because I'm scared everything will be so different that it will never compare or live up to the love and laughs we've already shared. I've been away for three months already and I've spoken with the people I considered my true family less then 10 times all of them combined....so maybe those tears of sadness were really tears of mourning...mourning the loss of a family I once had.
Where it all went downhill was when I decided to start looking at pictures too. Seeing all the smiles, and not just fake smile for the camera smiles, but real genuine having a great time and really seriously happy smiles. All the fun times, all their faces, and being able to hear their voices and laughs in the back of my mind. I knew I would miss my friends, but I didn't realize I would miss them this much. Because it's not just that I miss them, it's that I miss what I had, what I'll never have again, and the thought that I may have taken all those laughs and smiles for granted.
I've been here almost three months and this was the first real time that I really broke down and had a good cry because of how much I missed home, and it wasn't over my mom or dad or sister, it was over my friends, because for the last few years they have been my true family, who I've spent a ridiculous amount of time with. And to go from everything to nothing in a blink of the eye creates quite a bit of shock, and today the shock wore off and the sadness rolled in.
I want to come home more then anything, but a part of me is almost scared. I know things are different now, that everyone isn't attached at the hip like we used to be. I don't want to get my hopes up, because I'm scared everything will be so different that it will never compare or live up to the love and laughs we've already shared. I've been away for three months already and I've spoken with the people I considered my true family less then 10 times all of them combined....so maybe those tears of sadness were really tears of mourning...mourning the loss of a family I once had.