2010

Dec 20, 2010 17:03

As far as I know, 2010 felt like the most depressing year.

Perhaps in comparison with other years in my life, it isn't. But it felt like it, strongly so.

Let's start with Spring 2010, the only highlight of that year was my trip to NYC.
Even than, I can't help but keep feeling that the trip did not meet my expectations.

During Spring 2010, my car broke down, I had one of the worst jobs ever conceivable, I wasted my time being foolishly involved with Kristina instead of, idk, hanging out with other people I guess. Stress, small bouts of sadness, melancholy. Here began a slow descent of my self-confidence, my self-esteem, my optimism.

Than came summer, the descent stopped but it never got back to where it should ideally be.
Summer was one of mind-numbing boredom.
At some point in the summer, I let go of Kristina. In retrospect, I'm glad I did. What the hell was I thinking? She was a fuck-up who never learned and seemingly put herself in those situations, she only used me, she was bad news; I should have never been involved.

Still bored, there's nothing for me in Puerto Rico. I have no peers here.
My family, put together, is dysfunctional.
Emotional hibernation set in, I was neither content or discontent.

Thus began Fall 2010
It was odd, my roommate was having issues at the time. It was hard to empathize, but whatever. The first 2 months were just free-floating. I had not much in lieu of motivation. What was the point? But whatever, I just went with the flow. Get stoned. It's hard to remember actually those first months, maybe because nothing really happened.

Than came October. For about a whole month, I thought someone loved me. Melissa gave me false hope that perhaps things were turning around for better. My confidence and sense of self went on the rise, reaching their highest. I looked past her superficial faults and focus on the good. In the end, things fall apart by the first day of November. Maybe I fucked it up, maybe Melissa is fucked up. Whatever, it's all a matter of perspective.

November, depressing 'till Thanksgiving. That month drew a hard blow, possibly firmly placing me in true melancholia. Sometimes, while not as bad as November, I would cry a little bit feeling self-pity or self-loathing. Perhaps it's the nicotine withdrawals.

This December, despite helping my parents "save money" will be the most impoverished/lack-luster christmas ever. No new laptop, maybe no new novels to read either. Nothing. A christmas fitting for a depressing year.

Here comes the new year, the first arrival of a new year where I barely feel optimistic.

depression, 2010

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