Job Hunting, Being Absent, and the Next Two Months
Okay.
It's been a long, LONG time since I've last written a journal. I think you all, at the least, deserve to know what happening to me.
First off, I've been on tumblr quite a lot. I admit it, I've become a tumblr addict. I should stop, and thanks to recent events, I'll have to limit my time on it anyway.
You see, ever since the summer started, I've been job hunting. Seems like an excuse for not making new stuff and falling behind, and I hate that it's true. I hate that I have been job hunting so much, and getting reject so much, I’ve spent more money job hunting than earn
Now, after having to hide from my mom and dad that I've been jobless for two months, I now have two jobs. TWO JOBS.
One part time, one on-call and every two weeks or something like that. Very occasional. Still, it's money, and I'm very glad for that. :)
However, this also means I'm going to be a very tired individual. Also, I'm still hiding from my mom and dad that I had quit my last job.
I just couldn't take it anymore. If the commute wasn't long and sometimes stressful, the kids and parents were very stressful. The parents tended to be okay, with the occasional well-intentioned parent that took the side of their kid.
And I loved the kids. And my co-workers. I made very good friends with a lot of the kids. But some of the kids…
…..some of the kids intentionally made it hell for me.
And after a while, I knew I couldn’t go back when the school year rolled around again.
So, with a heavy heart, and an even more tense mind, I let go of this job, hoping I’d get a new one soon.
And I did. At one point.
But…and this is the part that makes me burn….I waited six weeks. SIX WEEKS. Thinking that I had this job, that I was ensured, they told me that I had it, they just had to wait for the restaurant to be finished with their renovations, and waiting for them to call me in for training.
Six weeks later, I got the email. “We’re taking a different direction with your employment.” The assistant manager, and not the founder, decided I was not good enough.
When I found out, I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. THEY HAD TO TAKE SIX WEEKS TO TELL ME THAT THEY WEREN’T GOING TO HIRE ME?! Why couldn’t they just be direct that they didn’t like me, instead of messing with me and dicking around for six weeks, leading me on a string.
But I’ve decided: they didn’t want to bother with me, so I won’t bother with them. The restaurant is too expensive for me to visit right now, and I will greet them on good terms when I see them again. I hope the best for their business. It’s a good business.
But, at the time I lost the job, that wasn’t on my mind. Now my stress levels spiked again, as I tried desperately on a second job hunt.
After another two weeks of hopelessness, I applied at a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant on a Saturday after finding out they were short on staff. I got an impromptu interview with the boss, and I am now in job training.
The Monday I came in, it was learn-on-the-job, and I did pretty good. I didn’t break the cash register like I feared I would.
I got my second job, and I have a lot of hope.
Although the waiting reminds me of another problem currently on my mind: my depression.
It’s gotten worse. I have suicidal thoughts every other day. I always find myself needing to do something just to keep my mind off of it. The new job helps.
So I attempted to call a local hospital’s Counseling Center, to find one counselor, any counselor that would accept my insurance. I’m sure there is one, except….
…..I have to wait until the end of October until there are any open ones.
The end of October? Seriously? When I had called them, I was going crazy. I kept telling myself that I was going to start preparing for a suicide attempt that week if they couldn’t help me. Did they give that answer to anyone else? Did anyone else die because these professionals couldn’t help them?
I really don’t want to think about it.
I feel crappy, as of the typing of this journal. I’m sorry for being so negative, I am. But….I’m suffering, and in silence. Sometimes it gets too much, and I wonder why I keep going on anyway.
God, whether or not you believe in him, has been a help to me. So has Tumblr, and my friends on there. :)
And, you wonder, now that things seem to be going well, will you be on more often?
Er….
….I’ll try.
Job training for the Kitchen (as I will now refer to my primary part-time job location) is in the morning until 2:30pm. My demo person working days are full-days, and I still have several hoops to jump until I can get that role for sure. Also, the location of the demo person jobs (at least, one location) is several miles away from my home. I’m talking several hours. Why am I doing this?
Oh, yes, because I need the money.
I’m going to be very busy. In addition to working in the Kitchen, and my occasional gigs as a demo person, I am assembling my and my sister’s Halloween costumes, and gearing up for the Holidays.
All while hiding the fact that I quit my last job from my parents.
Speaking of parents….
…..if you believe in a higher power, please, pray for them. Pray for my parents. I believe that things will be better soon, but day by day, my faith slips. I am hoping and hoping and praying that my hoping will benefit my family. Because if my family is benefitted, I am alright.
I fear my mother knows. Just how much I care about her and the family. I fear that she uses that against me, to keep me in the house and under her watch. It feels like a twisted life-game of revenge. The whole, “you ruined my life, now I shall ruin yours by making you become like me”, thing.
NO. Just no. I’d rather throw myself in the ocean than ever become anything like my parents.
So….please. A prayer for my mom and dad. To heal them, and give them happiness and contentment in their souls. I don’t want them doing to my sisters what they did to me.
Now…..for my friends.
My dear friends. I am sorry to each and every one of you.
To Tanya, my dearest cyber-sister.
To Henrietta, my aspiring writer and somewhat-apprentice.
To Kaya, my real-life artist friend.
To Kim, my fellow Pinay muse.
To all my lovelies on Tumblr and DeviantArt.
I am so sorry I have neglected you all. Never, ever, think, that I leave you all hanging on purpose. I do have a stressful, difficult outside of the Internet, and I wish it wasn’t. I really do. I dream one day, of flying away, of being in a place where I can be with you all, and it wouldn’t hurt me so much.
I am so sorry that I am a lazy and irresponsible cyber-friend. I am sorry that I can’t always physically be with each and every one of you. But I want to, and I hope we can all be friends for a long, long time.
I am so grateful for you all, and I will do my best to keep up and slowly rebuild my bonds with all of you. :)
Things will be okay. Hopefully I have enough money, so that when I go back to college next semester, I have enough.
Please, God, please.
~Ylysha