Feeling a little down.... ok, a lot.
In the last couple of years I've been learning a lot about my expectations of people. Mostly that I have too many, and that they are set too high. They're the kind of thing I took for granted, not really putting conscious thought to them. They were just a part of the way I thought things were. I've been so wrong about so many things. I've been so ridiculously idealistic.
I suppose it was naive of me to expect that a close friend, family, of 20 years would take me aside and talk to me if she had any serious issues with me, rather than let years pass by, while building up resentment and disdain. Especially someone who tends to be extremely outspoken.
It came as a complete shock when I came across a two year old letter that described me with such venomous contempt that I felt immediately stricken, and the more I read, the more I felt my face burn, so like that feeling you get the moment you realize you can't avoid a car wreck. Every time I think about it my stomach churns. I had no clue she felt that way.... and apparently for a number of years. I guess the times she's hugged me or wanted V and I to stay and hang out longer.... I guess that was for V's sake.
I've been trying to suppress the hurt and outrage I feel all week. Trying not to cry at Xerxes doctor appointments on Friday was a complete disaster. I didn't want to have to explain to strangers. I don't want Xerxes to see me hurting like this either. I don't want him to be negatively affected by my emotions. And I have no clue what to do now. Do I go on like I never saw it? Pretend I don't know she despises me? Play like everything is normal the way she has these last few years? Do I confront her? Is it even worth it?
I want to know, if I'm so terrible, why hasn't anyone else said anything? If I'm "not a good person" how is it that no one else has written me off? Maybe they have and they've hidden it like she did. *sigh* I guess I could ask a million questions like this and it wouldn't resolve anything. It won't make this hurt any less.
I should have seen this coming. I should have known. It's not like I didn't notice years ago that certain people treated me with significantly less respect then they do Voron, or most people we know. It's been telling in the way they speak to me, and about me when they didn't know I was in earshot, and the way they act towards me. I let it go believing they were overly judgmental about things they couldn't understand. I figured in time they would evolve past such judgments and assumptions as they held. I thought "I don't need them to understand me or see eye to eye with me, I love them and that's good enough." Well, maybe it's not.
I guess it's true what they say: If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed. Things like loyalty, unconditional love, devotion, honesty, truth, commitment, and reliance.... those have become the things of fables and fairytales.
I suppose it was naive of me to expect that a close friend, family, of 20 years would take me aside and talk to me if she had any serious issues with me, rather than let years pass by, while building up resentment and disdain. Especially someone who tends to be extremely outspoken.
It came as a complete shock when I came across a two year old letter that described me with such venomous contempt that I felt immediately stricken, and the more I read, the more I felt my face burn, so like that feeling you get the moment you realize you can't avoid a car wreck. Every time I think about it my stomach churns. I had no clue she felt that way.... and apparently for a number of years. I guess the times she's hugged me or wanted V and I to stay and hang out longer.... I guess that was for V's sake.
I've been trying to suppress the hurt and outrage I feel all week. Trying not to cry at Xerxes doctor appointments on Friday was a complete disaster. I didn't want to have to explain to strangers. I don't want Xerxes to see me hurting like this either. I don't want him to be negatively affected by my emotions. And I have no clue what to do now. Do I go on like I never saw it? Pretend I don't know she despises me? Play like everything is normal the way she has these last few years? Do I confront her? Is it even worth it?
I want to know, if I'm so terrible, why hasn't anyone else said anything? If I'm "not a good person" how is it that no one else has written me off? Maybe they have and they've hidden it like she did. *sigh* I guess I could ask a million questions like this and it wouldn't resolve anything. It won't make this hurt any less.
I should have seen this coming. I should have known. It's not like I didn't notice years ago that certain people treated me with significantly less respect then they do Voron, or most people we know. It's been telling in the way they speak to me, and about me when they didn't know I was in earshot, and the way they act towards me. I let it go believing they were overly judgmental about things they couldn't understand. I figured in time they would evolve past such judgments and assumptions as they held. I thought "I don't need them to understand me or see eye to eye with me, I love them and that's good enough." Well, maybe it's not.
I guess it's true what they say: If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed. Things like loyalty, unconditional love, devotion, honesty, truth, commitment, and reliance.... those have become the things of fables and fairytales.