Christmas 2006
Soo this Christmas was nice… believe it of not that’s the only word to describe it. We had the whole family over and tons and tons of food, 3 Christmas trees, hot apple cider, pie, cookies, and did I mention loads and loads of food. People came by and family from far away called it was one of those Holidays at Home that give you that warm glowy feeling. The house as always was decorated to the nines thanks to my mom… It was nice…
But I could feel the difference…just being older… this year I think was the first year that we didn’t have the traditional opening of Santa’s presents in the morning when we woke up, infact when I woke up at 8 neither of my parents were home, my mom was singing at the 7:30 am mass and my dad was at the hospital… My dad didn’t get home till around 11:00 and then we only opened what we gave to my parents and each other…it just felt different… I know that things are different now with all my dad’s medical bills and then my medical bills and then tuition for the three of us…I don’t know…For me this year wasn’t about getting gifts, honestly for me this year giving gifts was what meant the most, giving my parents their LMU parent license plate frames and sweatshirts and then giving my sister and brother their gifts…Soo Christmas was different this year it was still Christmas without presents, I’d rather spend 6 hrs with my family all together, happy, laughing, being crazy weird and all that then get presents! Cuz I mean in the end that’s what’s going to stay with me forever…
The special moments, talking to people on the phone, leaving happy b-day stuff for people, text messages and letters in the mail… realizing that home isn’t about where you are but the people in your life.
This Christmas was about making it special for everyone, cuz life it too short to say that you’ll “do it some other time” … Singing at the Christmas eve mass, there is always this moment where I look out at the congregation too see if I can see any of my old classmates and friends with their families, everyone always sits in the same spot and it’s soo exciting to see everyone again back from school…As I scanned towards where Ryan’s family usually sits, I got soo excited to see him because I know he’s waiting for me to smile and make a funny face to get me to laugh, and then I realized that he wouldn’t be there, he’s not here anymore, and I just wanted to cry… I finished my solo and went outside and cried, it was this moment where I got lost in the feeling of Christmas and home and I was looking forward to that moment of seeing him like always and getting my yearly Christmas hug and then realizing I will never get that ever again, no more thumbs up while I sing my solo cuz he’s gone. I kept thinking about his family and the fact that this year they are spending it without him… I don’t know whether to be angry or sad of just scream…He’s gone and I forgot, it just felt like he should have been there… Sometimes I feel soo stupid about feeling sad about loosing him, and I don’t know if I should call someone or just let it go but it’s hard to deal with sometimes… I just don’t want people to think I’m dumb or weak about getting sad but I do get sad… I miss him…that smile…
This year is just one of those snapshots of your life where you can’t really place things, I mean I know this isn’t the last Christmas I will ever have but it definitely is the last of many things in my life…I have 4 months till the rest of my life is ahead of me… Unlike Renee, Jenny, and Ryan I got to spend the past 4 years of my life finding myself and making amazing friendships with amazing people who I can’t imagine my life without… just like I couldn’t have imagined my life without Nene, Jenny, and Ryan…I got the past 4 years to make the most of and now they are coming to an end and I don’t have a clue where to go from here… It’s weird because if I had known Christmas’s gone by that they would be the last Christmas’s that I would be spending with the three of them I would have done and said soo much if given the chance but I never got that chance…Now as I am on the verge of graduating and leaving LMU and DZ and LA and everyone who has become my family all I can think about is what if this is the last holiday I have with them?… what can I say, how can I hold on to these moments?…And will I be okay without them, can I do it?....This whole real world thing, can I do it all by myself?
Of course I plan on keeping in contact with as many people as possible but you know how people fade away and fall out of touch…I mean we are all going out to live in the real world and our lives….it’s just soo crazy and exciting and I am soo in amazement of what is to come but…I’m going to miss this sooo much, all of it, it’s like creating this family who loves you no matter what and leaving them knowing it will never be the same again and I don’t know it just kind of sucks…when something feels like home but it cant last forever cuz nothing ever does…it’s not bad or good it’s just one of those things…Ryan felt like home in that moment and LMU feels like home but it cant be like that forever…
In these last few months I plan on enjoying every moment and making the most of it, I’m getting a ribbon made with Renee, Jenny, and Ryan’s names embroidered on it so that when I walk across that stage at graduation I carry them with me…I plan on making sure that all of the people who have touched me and become part of my home at LMU know how much I love them.,..becasue in the end that’s what counts…
Anyway tomorrow I’m going to pack for AZ, and them I’m going hang out with EM and Ana…. I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas {and b-day} and I love you soo much…Tasha