Mission #9: The Darkest Night
In the A-Team division of the PPC the agents also take on bad slash.
A/N: Disclaimer noun Obligatory line in which I state that I only created Tasmin and Allison; everything and everyone else in this chapter was created by someone else. Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts from The Darkest Night by Hannurdock in italics. This mission was chronicled by IndeMaat.
-oOo-
Allison looked around as she stepped out of the portal. It was twilight, but other than that it was rather non-descript. It reminded her of the holodeck when there wasn't a program running.
"What kind of story is this?" she asked her partner.
"Slash," Tasmin replied.
"Bye." Allison turned around immediately to go back through the portal while it was still open. Tasmin grabbed her by the waist of her pants and pulled her back.
"C'mon, you've got to learn some time."
"But I don't want to," Allison whined. "I can't. Emotional immaturity."
"Yes, yes, I know. You act and look like a five year old."
Allison glared at Tasmin. "I don't see why we'd have to do a thing like this. We're in the Mary Sue Department. Not the Bad Slash Department. Or was this slash brought on by a Sue?"
"I don't think so. And in A-Team Division we do both."
"Lovely. You do know that all the people voluntarily in the Bad Slash Department have gone completely bonkers."
"I'm sure they already were before they started the job."
"That's what I mean. Bonkers is a job requirement. And I don't have it."
"Well, there's also a few other job requirements you're short on, so we shall overlook this one as well. Now shut up before canon hears you." Tasmin pushed Allison to the ground and squatted down beside her.
Face and Murdock were near them; they could hear them talking. Murdock was professing his love to Face in the middle of watch duty.
"That is one charge," Allison whispered. "Uncharacteristic unprofessional conduct."
"We don't write up charges in Slash. There's no one to charge."
"Fine, just take away all my bearings to civilization."
"Just imagine how Face is feeling: his best friend just told him he wants him as a lover."
"Well, according to the words Face's face is expressing betrayal."
"Please, keep up. After Murdock says lover, Face is offering an embrace."
"Boy, he swings quickly."
"Much like a pendulum. Look, over there, a man with a gun."
"And our friends aren't paying attention." Allison shook her head. She ducked when she heard the shot that caught Murdock in the chest. It was followed by a scream from Face.
"You bastard" Face screamed lifting his weapon and shooting the man in the chest.
"I make a rough estimate and say that Face is so much out of character that he risks character rupture," Allison lifted her head up again.
"I think shooting that man was the character rupture," Tasmin replied.
"Does that mean we're already too late to save the characters from this fic?"
"I sincerely hope not. Bad fics can spread like an oil stain." Tasmin looked at the Words and shuddered in disgust. "Now that is just sick."
Face began CPR, determined to bring his friend back. As he tasted Murdock on his lips he finally knew what Murdock meant, and realised his love for Murdock went beyond mere friendship.
"Yeah," Allison agreed. "Giving someone the kiss of life has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with actual kissing."
"No, I mean, he's giving CPR before even checking for vital signs. You do not give CPR to someone as long as there is still a heartbeat."
The two agents watched as Face sat on his knees beside Murdock and started to sob.
The darkness seemed to swamp the lifeless figure on the ground, seemed to close in on Face and made him gasp in desperation and frustration.
"Is it over?" Allison asked.
Tasmin glanced at the Words. "Either Murdock is coming back to life, or the lifeless figure mentioned was that of the other man."
"Well, that at least saves us the trouble of killing him."
"Small favors," Tasmin replied. "Would have been a big favor had we been spared the death scene that comes right out of the Mary Sue book of dying."
Grinding their teeth the two agents watched as Murdock said his emotional farewell knowing Face loved him too; and Face spoke out his equally emotional determination that Murdock would live and they would have the rest of their lives to discover just how much they loved each other. Tasmin had to physically restrain Allison from jumping up and giving Face a proper trashing.
Then Face picked up Murdock and carried him over to a car. Allison wondered why he didn't bring him to the car they came in, but Face probably didn't want all that blood on his upholstery. The two agents played rock, paper, scissors to determine whether Face put Murdock in the front or the back seat. Face hotwired the car and drove off. Tasmin opened a portal to take her and Allison directly to the hospital.
-oOo-
Tasmin and Allison walked into the waiting room as Face was making a phone call. The agents sat down on a few chairs along the other wall and stared into the distance, to the Words, to catch up on both sides of the conversation.
Face switched his mobile off and thought deeply about Murdock's confession, and then his own.
"Two questions," Allison whispered to Tasmin. "Does Face have a mobile in canon? And does he know you should switch those off in hospital, meaning not make any calls on them?"
"I think this story is set years after canon ended," Tasmin whispered back. "And he's probably under so much stress that he didn't realize he shouldn't have used his mobile."
"Are you saying that to show me how annoying it is when someone is trying to rationalize what happens in fic?"
"Yeah."
"Well, you proved your point." Allison grabbed hold of her seat as the floor started to shake. "Time rift?"
"Just a small one. Only fifteen minutes."
"Story time or shaking time?" Allison asked, but the shaking stopped already. Allison relaxed and saw Hannibal and BA walk in.
"Cover your ears."
"What?"
"Cover your ears," Tasmin urged.
Allison rolled her eyes and did as she was told. She looked at the Words, dropped her hands and gave Tasmin a glare. "You made me cover my ears for that?" She pointed at the words. "Because Face uses a swear word?"
"Well, you're the emotionally immature one. I didn't know whether you could take it," Tasmin replied with a straight face.
"You're enjoying this way too much."
"I'm not enjoying it at all. Personally, I don't see why writers put swear words in the mouths of canon. They don't swear in the TV show. Why should they swear in fics?"
Allison shrugged. "They also don't have any slash in the TV show."
"Or Mary Sues." Tasmin nodded in agreement.
"Hmm. I remember one character Babs wrote that was pushing it."
Tasmin turned her gaze to Hannibal being very understanding towards Face. This made Face relax. He decided it was time for a confession.
"Murdock confessed he was in love with me" Face turned away from the shocked gazes, and started to lose his confidence.
Tasmin registered the looks on the faces of the men sitting on either side of Face. They seemed to recompose themselves rather quickly. She took her Canon Analysis Device from her bag and pointed it at Face. It gave off a shrill whistle and then exploded. Tasmin coughed and tried to wave the smoke away.
"I guess you also shouldn't use CADs in hospital," she remarked dryly.
The Team members did not respond to the explosion. Tasmin figured they either were very used to things exploding around them, or Hannibal's next remark was of more interest to them.
"Let me guess, you returned his feelings?" Hannibal said in a voice even softer, his words no more than a whisper.
Face nodded.
Tasmin considered whether she could dump the broken CAD in the trash. She didn't want to put it in her bag as it might set something else on fire. She also knew she wasn't supposed to leave any equipment in the fic. Even though she didn't see the harm of leaving anything behind that was broken.
Allison nudged her when a nurse came walking in. The two agents quickly went to their business of pretending they belonged exactly where they were. The nurse paid no attention to them, but went straight to Face to tell him that Murdock was critical but stable. In the blink of an eye the nurse disappeared into thin air, only to walk back in a moment later. This time she came to tell Face Murdock had asked for him.
Face followed the nurse to Murdock's room. Allison and Tasmin got up to follow Face. Allison threw a glance at Hannibal.
"Exorcise them now or later?"
"I think we should start with Murdock and Face. They are affected the most."
Allison nodded. They walked up to Murdock's room and waited for the nurse to come back out before they went in themselves.
"Murdock" Face breathed, seeing Murdock for the first time as a sexual being, capable of making him fulfilled in ways he had never imagined.
"Give me your gun!" Allison demanded in a whisper. "I'm going to put this poor man out of his misery."
"You can't kill canon."
"This man is no longer canon. You saw what the Canon Analysis Device did. It always explodes at imminent character rupture. The Face we knew and loved is no longer. Give me your gun."
"No."
"Fine! But could you at least shoot him yourself?"
"No. You can't kill canon."
"Why not?"
"Because you shouldn't kill any character you haven't created."
Allison gave Tasmin a look. "Can you spell hypocrite?"
"H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E."
"Apparently you can."
"I'll give you something else." Tasmin dug deep into her duffel bag.
Face sighed, and gripped Murdock's hand. He looked at those big brown eyes, and became lost in them. He felt himself falling suddenly. In truth he was leaning towards Murdock, his eyes fixed upon the moist, intelligent, brown eyes of Murdock. Without realising, his lips closed on the pilot's and he heard himself gasp as Murdock's tongue entered his mouth, probed the edges of it and playfully touched Face's tongue, moving it around with a little force.
Face felt Murdock's hands reach down for the buckle of his pants and he drew back "Not here, baby. Not now. You have to get better first".
Allison hit Face in the back of the head with the DVD box set of the first season. He turned around letting go of Murdock's hand and received a punch in the stomach. He folded slightly but quickly recovered and swung a punch at his assailant. Allison was expecting this, blocked him and punched him in the stomach again. Murdock tried to scramble out of bed to help Face. Tasmin hit him on the forehead with the DVD box set of the second season.
"Get back in bed. You're suffering a serious chest wound. Besides, you don't come to Face's rescue unless he is in way over his head."
Face didn't seem to be in over his head now, as he managed to pick up Allison and throw her onto the bed next to Murdock's.
"A little help here!" Allison shouted as she rolled off the bed on the other side. Face came towards her and she was cornered in. Tasmin grabbed the visitor's chair and threw it at Face's legs. He stumbled over it and hit his head on the foot end of the bed. He slipped onto the floor, unconscious.
"That went easy," Tasmin commented.
Allison gave her a half glare while she touched her cracked lip. She tasted the blood in her mouth and wiped her hand on her pants.
"You grab his legs," Tasmin instructed while she put her arms under Face's and pulled him in a sitting position. "We'll put him in the bed next to Murdock. You, move over." The last instruction was directed at Murdock who was happy to oblige.
The agents put Face beside Murdock and Murdock quickly swooned over him.
"Oh, Facey, what have they done to you? A mark on your beautiful face."
Tasmin pulled the bed from the wall and Allison started setting out the candles around it in a circle and lit them.
"Lie still now," Tasmin instructed and put a DVD box set on the chest of each of the men.
Murdock lay back, surprised at what the two women in his room were doing, happy that Face was so close to him. He felt for Face's hand and entangled his fingers with those of his friend.
"Right. How did this go?"
"Don't look at me. I flunked Slash."
"I remember again." Tasmin cleared her throat and raised her hand holding a third DVD box set. "Begone, Author of this fic. Get thee behind me Lusting Wounded! Get thee behind me Quick Reciprocation! The power of Stephen J. Cannell compels you! You have no more power in this continuum!"
The shades of the Author rose from the chests of the men on the bed, forming into one figure hovering above them. Murdock gasped and started to shake violently.
"Lie still," Allison told him irritably. "This is not that kind of exorcism."
Murdock stopped shaking. He clenched his fists, holding on to Face with one hand, to the bed frame with the other.
"Begone, Author of this fic!" Tasmin repeated. The shade moaned and evaporated.
Allison started blowing out the candles. Tasmin put the DVD box sets back in her bag and took out the neutralizer. "Cover your eyes," she told Allison. "Not you," she told Murdock.
Allison hid underneath the bed. She pinched her eyes closed and put a hand over her eyes. This should be enough to avoid seeing any of the red light. Although, she wouldn't mind a little of it; just to forget about the day's events. She heard the high pitch hum of the neutralizer. When it was gone she first asked Tasmin whether she was done before opening her eyes. She crawled out from underneath the bed.
"That looked like a successful exorcism. Should we leave them in the bed like this?"
Murdock had dosed off, his head resting against Face's forehead.
"Mmm, yeah." Tasmin cocked her head. "They look kind of cute in a canon way like this."
Allison frowned, but didn't comment. She gathered up the candles. "Let's go see about the other two." She stalked out of the room. Tasmin followed, but not without turning off the light and quietly closing the door to the room.
-oOo-
A/N: This story by Hannurdock did not make any sense to me. Not until I substituted Stockwell for Hannibal (actually I substituted Alby from Hustle), Frankie for Face, took an OC for Murdock and changed the genre to humor. Seriously though, Hannurdock has written many stories, quite a few slash and most of them are considerably better than The Darkest Night. Let's just put this aside as a youthful indiscretion and move on.
I do like to make one point on slash, and the same goes for all kinds of romance: if your best friend tells you they're in love with you, you DON'T SUDDENLY realize you love them too. This realization will take time. In the order of weeks, rather than minutes.