The playoffs!
After completely failing last year to post either a post-playoff or pre-season write-up, here I am just in time for the 2008 playoffs! So excited. [I knew I was such a failure when last December one my friends asked me if the hockey season had started yet. Hoo-boy.] Here's the briefest of brief recaps (yeah, right):
The Anaheim Ducks won the Stanley Cup, beating the Ottawa Senators 4-1. Sweet. I just knew that as soon as they dropped that "Mighty", they'd be great. Scott Niedermayer, once again, had an amazing playoff beard. Teemu Selanne finally won the Cup, which was super-great. I do recall the NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman, handing the Cup to Scott, and they're supposed to pose for a picture, but Scott totally forgot and kept trying to yank the cup from Gary Bettman all "Let go! Let go!" ha, but he finally remembered, took his picture, raised the Cup, and then handed it to his baby brother, Rob. Awwww. I would have given it to Teemu next, but whatever. As long as you keep it away from Chris Pronger for as long as possible. Which is a nice segueway to...
England! The Ducks and L.A. Kings started the season by playing two games in London, because the English are well known ice hockey fans. Except for the part where they're not at all ice hockey fans. Apparently the games were attended almost entirely by Canadian ex-pats. And these people actually booed whenever Chris Pronger had the puck! hahaha, I love that the hatred of him is so global.
The Philadelphia Flyers, my least favorite team in the history of sports, decided to start the year by maiming guys left and right. For reals, one of their prospects, Steve Downie, a guy I already hated for a number of reasons, managed to get himself a 20-game suspension during the PRE-SEASON. The guy was suspended before his career even started. And now he is on the Flyers. I hate him. And then a bunch of other Flyers got a billion suspensions and they still made the playoffs. Fuckers.
Perhaps you saw the Richard Zednik thing. With the skate and the slicing and the jugular vein and the blood and the blood and the blood. Gross. I have yet to actually see the whole replay because I cower in disgust every time it comes on. Ex-Winter Hawks have had a rough couple of years (not to mention current Winter Hawks, but that is too depressing to think about) as former Hawk captain Braydon Coburn somehow managed to rupture an artery in his butt. I don't even want to know how they diagnosed that one (however, I am dying to find out how he did that in the first place). Last year Brendan Morrow and Paul Gaustad both had tendons sliced by skates. This is a disturbing trend for the Hawks. The Zednik thing kept getting compared to a very similar situation about twenty years ago when Buffalo goalie Clint Malarchuk had his neck sliced by a skate, too. Guess where he played his junior hockey? Spooky.
The league made everyone redesign their jerseys so that they fit tighter or something. I don't know, but the majority of them are butt ugly. It's so disappointing. Hey, NHL, the reason your ratings blow isn't loose jerseys. It's the fact that you're on a fourth-rate "sports" "network" whose main programming is hunting, bull riding and mixed martial arts. Way to market yourself to mainstream America, assholes. But if your goal was to appeal exclusively to white trash, then well done!
The Chicago Blackhawks owner finally died, and sadly this was a great thing for the team. That guy did everything he could to alienate the Hawks' fans. They nearly made the playoffs this year after being so bad for so long, and I fully expect them to do even better next year. Go Hawks go!
I watched what was probably Trevor Linden's last game, and yeah, I cried. Of course. I was actually holding it together pretty well until all of the guys on the Flames shook Trevor's hand. Waterworks. Class act, that one.
We had a 60-goal scorer this year! Wooo! 65, to be precise, by Alexander Ovechkin, the craziest mofo on the Washington Capitals. Good for Capitals fans for having such a fun player.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are in shambles. Ha!!! You guys suck.
The Atlanta Thrashers no longer have any ex-Winter Hawks and Bobby Holik is still their captain, so now I can feel free to ignore them. yay
The St. Louis Blues started off the season so well that I was sure they would make the playoffs. They ended up like third worst in the league. Yikes. Meanwhile, the Tampa Bay Lightning in four years have gone from Stanley Cup champions to worst team in the NHL. Bra. Vo.
The Calgary Flames demoted ex-Winter Hawk Jim Playfair from head coach back down to assistant coach, and then hired Mike Keenan, whom I hate. Stop it, Flames!
Why do I still love the New York Islanders? It's such a mystery. They added Bill Guerin as their captain (blech) and they also signed Mike Comrie (barf, I hate that guy. Is he still dating Hillary Duff?!).
I continue to love the After Hours show on Hockey Night in Canada. Scott Oake and Kelly Hrudey are so great. I really miss having Center Ice. I was over at my mom's house recently watching some hockey and saw a Canadian commercial for Enterprise rental cars. Usually when American companies advertise in Canada, all they do is add a little maple leaf to their logo and boom! Canadians will buy your product. McDonald's and Subway are two such examples. Anyway, the way Enterprise changed their ad is priceless. You know that awful Enterprise commercial (yes, I know they're all awful) where this guy is picking up his mom and the mom goes, "a rental car? Sounds expensive!" or whatever and the son goes, "It's 50% off, Mom!" like a weenie, and they say some other stupid stuff, and the mom ends with, "If you're saving so much money, you should have gotten a bigger car!" and the son says, "Mom!" and the whole thing just makes you want to kill yourself. Well in Canada they have the exact same commercial, word for word, except the mother and son in the Canadian commercial ARE WHITE. That is the only difference. Like, Enterprise thought Canadians wouldn't want to rent from them if they had black people in their commercials?! Wow.
And now for the playoffs:
Everyone's picking either the Sharks or the Ducks and...really? Them? Man I have no idea this year. I'm just going to have to guess. That's what living without Center Ice does to you.
The Edmonton Oilers and Vancouver Canucks just missed the playoffs this year. I am furious with the Canucks. They blew it. I'm less sorry the Oilers didn't make it, but you reap what you sow, Kevin Lowe. That's what you get for treating Ryan Smyth and his hockey hair like that.
And Buffalo...oh, Sabres. You make me so sad. You know I still love you, but for the last month or so, I was actually hoping you wouldn't make the playoffs. You had your chance. You should have won last year. Now step aside and try again next year. You only would have embarrassed yourselves.
The 2008 Stanley Cup finalists: Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Dallas Stars. Maybe.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Montreal Canadiens vs. #8 Boston Bruins
Let's go Bruins! (If you want to hear the worst ringtone ever, just head over to this page, and in the "Bruins Ringtones" box on the right, click on the play button for "Bruins Pick It Up".) Hooray for two of the Original Six getting back into the playoffs. Hooray for Boston for surviving the various murder attempts by the Philadelphia Flyers. And hooray for Montreal being the top seed in the East! I had no idea. Carey Price is the new Cam Ward, only prettier. No Saku Koivu, but has Alexei Kovalev decided to be clutch and, like, responsible? We'll see if he keeps this up. I knew the Bruins were smart to pick up Andy Ference (remember when the Winter Hawks were good? whimper). He's such a great guy to have on your team, and the fans seem to love him. Boston sports fans are so smart. By the way, I recently saw an ad on NESN for the Bruins, and these tiny little white Boston kids were doing a Bruins rap outside in the snow. It is the best commercial I have ever seen. "The Bruins, the Bruins what!" Hee. Too bad the Bruins lost all eight games to the Habs this year. And too bad Montreal had the top power play in the league and the Bruins the 3rd-worst penalty kill. But hi, Bruins! It was nice to see you again! Say hi to Cam Neely for me! xoxo
My pick: Canadiens in 5.
#2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #7 Ottawa Senators
Rematch!! The Sens beat the Pens in the first round last year in five games, but the Penguins could and should kick some ass this year. Love the Penguins, hate the Senators. Marian Hossa will be interesting to watch. The Senators traded him for Dany Heatley a while back, and now he's on the Penguins, so there's that. Also, he has a poor playoff performance history (he was outplayed last year by his less talented baby brother). He needs to do well and shove it in the Senators' dumb faces. The Sens have a goalie problem: they are either mentally stable yet decent at hockey, or awesome at hockey yet effing crazy. Ray Emery, supposedly the Senators #1 goalie and an avid boxing fan, had a picture of Mike Tyson painted on his goalie mask. Mike Tyson, you'll recall, is an ear-biting, face-tattooed rapist. To the Senators credit, they made Emery change his mask, but what in Hades was he thinking?!
My pick: Penguins in 6.
#3 Washington Capitals vs. #6 Philadelphia Flyers
Oh my god, Alex Ovechkin is FINALLY in the playoffs. I never expected to be such an Ovechkin fan, but damn his enthusiasm is infectious. Love him and his pigeon English. I really haven't stopped laughing since his "I live this day and I take this day all beautiful things" quote from his rookie year. I like to say it randomly around the house. The Caps are the third seed, but they actually had the fewest points of any playoff team in the conference. The three division leaders get the top three seeds in the playoffs, so the Capitals, by winning the craptacular Southeast Division, are the third seed in the East. So, by beating out the Carolina Hurricanes for the division title, the Caps knocked the Hurricanes out of the playoffs entirely. As a consequence, Hurricane defenseman Bret Hedican was able to be in the audience to watch his wife, Kristi Yamaguchi, once again kick some dancing ass on Dancing with the Stars this week. Much as I hate the Flyers, I was rooting for them to make the playoffs. I love their new goalie, and I LOVE their new defenseman Braydon Coburn, who is blossoming into quite the young hockey player (remember when the Winter Hawks were good? sniff). Hey, Hockey Canada, wouldn't Braydon, his awesome skating, and his newfound offensive prowess look pretty good on that Olympic ice in Vancouver 2010? Hmm? Eh? Too bad the Flyers also have the loathesome Steve Downie, who is detestable and gross. Mike Richards of the Flyers is the Dion Phaneuf of the Eastern Conference. People will not stop gushing about him and how awesome he is and isn't he so great and wonderful and can I get you anything, Mike Richards? Do you need your pillow fluffed? Can I peel some grapes and feed them to you? God.
My pick: Capitals in 7.
#4 New Jersey Devils vs. #5 New York Rangers
Hee hee hee hee. Hee. I really like both of these teams, and this year I'm starting to love the Rangers again, goddamnit. Why am I such a tool? Brandon Dubinsky, no other reason (remember when the Winter Hawks were good? sob). Everyone loves him! They're having him center Jaromir Jagr's line. Everytime I see Dubi, he's winning a faceoff. Chris Drury and Scott Gomez both ditched their awesome teams to sign with the Rangers during the off-season, which pissed me right off. I mean, Gomez I can forgive because clearly he's weak and easily led astray, like a puppy or David Archuleta. But shame on you, Chris Drury! You should know better. You two had better justify yourselves during the playoffs. Don't make me come over there! And oh, the poor Devils. They did really well for themselves by finishing second in their division, despite losing so many great players the last few seasons. But Johnny Oduya, Mike Mottau and Paul Martin, bless their hearts, aren't exactly Scott Niedermayer, Scott Stevens and Brian Rafalski. They do still have Martin Brodeur, best goalie ever, so they could do well yet.
My pick: Rangers in 7.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Detroit Red Wings vs. #8 Nashville Predators
Once again, the Red Wings win the President's Trophy as the top team in the league due entirely to the fact that they are so much better than the other teams in their division, one of those teams being the Nashville Predators. How the hell did the Predators make the playoffs?! I didn't see that one coming at all, I have to say. I didn't pick the Red Wings in any round last year, and they ended up going to the Conference Final, so maybe I'll pick them for one round this year at least. They really should beat the Predators without too much trouble. The Preds lost a bunch of great players due to their massive financial problems, they have a bunch of guys out with injuries (including the fabulous Jed Ortmeyer), and they're starting some goalie I've never even heard of (Dan Ellis?). Still, it was nice for their 14 fans that they got into the playoffs.
My pick: Red Wings in 5.
#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #7 Calgary Flames
Sharks, I want to like you. I do. It doesn't help that your first round opponent is my favorite team in the West. It also doesn't help that every year you are a massive disappointment in the playoffs. I'm told Joe Thornton is playing the best hockey of his career, and he's a former league MVP, so that's saying something. He also appeared in a commercial this year checking himself out in a mirror and asking, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" [For the record, the answer is yes. Hockey pants are hilariously unflattering.] People are picking the Sharks to win the Stanley Cup, which astounds me. I think people are being dazzled by the Sharks' awesome play at the end of the season, but I feel like they were overachieving. The Flames, however, traded away Andrew Ference last year, which I still believe was a large mistake. He's a guy you want on your playoff team. Idiots. Two things need to happen for the Flames to win: they need some guys other than Jarome Iginla to score, and Dion Phaneuf needs to make me love him. These things are unlikely to happen.
My pick: Sharks in 6.
#3 Minnesota Wild vs. #6 Colorado Avalanche
If the Avs win, it won't be much of an upset. The Wild have that stifling Jacques Lemaire defense, but Colorado totally got the band back together. They picked up Peter Forsberg and Adam Foote in a blatantly transparent attempt to relive their glory days. That probably made their fans happy, but they'll be lucky if it gets them any further than the second round. In all honesty, I couldn't care less about this one. If the Wild win, it'll be because of special teams. This might be a dumb pick, but...
My pick: Avalanche in 6.
#4 Anaheim Ducks vs. #5 Dallas Stars
This one might be epic. I guess the Ducks could repeat, I dunno. They certainly have a better chance now that Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne decided to stop fucking around and finally join the team and play some damn hockey. Anaheim traded away their top scorer from last year's playoffs, and they have not scored a lot of goals this year. The Stars managed to get former playoff MVP Brad Richards, which is a fantastic pickup. They still have that godawful Mike Ribeiro, though. I feel like the Western Conference champion might come from this series. If the Stars make it past that awesome group of Anaheim defensemen, then they are for real. If the Ducks get the offense, then they could repeat.
My pick: Stars in 7.
ex-Winter Hawks in the playoffs:
Andrew Ference, Boston Bruins; Marian Hossa, Pittsburgh Penguins; Braydon Coburn, Philadelphia Flyers; Brandon Dubinsky, New York Rangers; Brendan Morrow, Dallas Stars; Scott Nichol, Nashville Predators; Cody McLeod, Colorado Avalanche.
The Anaheim Ducks won the Stanley Cup, beating the Ottawa Senators 4-1. Sweet. I just knew that as soon as they dropped that "Mighty", they'd be great. Scott Niedermayer, once again, had an amazing playoff beard. Teemu Selanne finally won the Cup, which was super-great. I do recall the NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman, handing the Cup to Scott, and they're supposed to pose for a picture, but Scott totally forgot and kept trying to yank the cup from Gary Bettman all "Let go! Let go!" ha, but he finally remembered, took his picture, raised the Cup, and then handed it to his baby brother, Rob. Awwww. I would have given it to Teemu next, but whatever. As long as you keep it away from Chris Pronger for as long as possible. Which is a nice segueway to...
England! The Ducks and L.A. Kings started the season by playing two games in London, because the English are well known ice hockey fans. Except for the part where they're not at all ice hockey fans. Apparently the games were attended almost entirely by Canadian ex-pats. And these people actually booed whenever Chris Pronger had the puck! hahaha, I love that the hatred of him is so global.
The Philadelphia Flyers, my least favorite team in the history of sports, decided to start the year by maiming guys left and right. For reals, one of their prospects, Steve Downie, a guy I already hated for a number of reasons, managed to get himself a 20-game suspension during the PRE-SEASON. The guy was suspended before his career even started. And now he is on the Flyers. I hate him. And then a bunch of other Flyers got a billion suspensions and they still made the playoffs. Fuckers.
Perhaps you saw the Richard Zednik thing. With the skate and the slicing and the jugular vein and the blood and the blood and the blood. Gross. I have yet to actually see the whole replay because I cower in disgust every time it comes on. Ex-Winter Hawks have had a rough couple of years (not to mention current Winter Hawks, but that is too depressing to think about) as former Hawk captain Braydon Coburn somehow managed to rupture an artery in his butt. I don't even want to know how they diagnosed that one (however, I am dying to find out how he did that in the first place). Last year Brendan Morrow and Paul Gaustad both had tendons sliced by skates. This is a disturbing trend for the Hawks. The Zednik thing kept getting compared to a very similar situation about twenty years ago when Buffalo goalie Clint Malarchuk had his neck sliced by a skate, too. Guess where he played his junior hockey? Spooky.
The league made everyone redesign their jerseys so that they fit tighter or something. I don't know, but the majority of them are butt ugly. It's so disappointing. Hey, NHL, the reason your ratings blow isn't loose jerseys. It's the fact that you're on a fourth-rate "sports" "network" whose main programming is hunting, bull riding and mixed martial arts. Way to market yourself to mainstream America, assholes. But if your goal was to appeal exclusively to white trash, then well done!
The Chicago Blackhawks owner finally died, and sadly this was a great thing for the team. That guy did everything he could to alienate the Hawks' fans. They nearly made the playoffs this year after being so bad for so long, and I fully expect them to do even better next year. Go Hawks go!
I watched what was probably Trevor Linden's last game, and yeah, I cried. Of course. I was actually holding it together pretty well until all of the guys on the Flames shook Trevor's hand. Waterworks. Class act, that one.
We had a 60-goal scorer this year! Wooo! 65, to be precise, by Alexander Ovechkin, the craziest mofo on the Washington Capitals. Good for Capitals fans for having such a fun player.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are in shambles. Ha!!! You guys suck.
The Atlanta Thrashers no longer have any ex-Winter Hawks and Bobby Holik is still their captain, so now I can feel free to ignore them. yay
The St. Louis Blues started off the season so well that I was sure they would make the playoffs. They ended up like third worst in the league. Yikes. Meanwhile, the Tampa Bay Lightning in four years have gone from Stanley Cup champions to worst team in the NHL. Bra. Vo.
The Calgary Flames demoted ex-Winter Hawk Jim Playfair from head coach back down to assistant coach, and then hired Mike Keenan, whom I hate. Stop it, Flames!
Why do I still love the New York Islanders? It's such a mystery. They added Bill Guerin as their captain (blech) and they also signed Mike Comrie (barf, I hate that guy. Is he still dating Hillary Duff?!).
I continue to love the After Hours show on Hockey Night in Canada. Scott Oake and Kelly Hrudey are so great. I really miss having Center Ice. I was over at my mom's house recently watching some hockey and saw a Canadian commercial for Enterprise rental cars. Usually when American companies advertise in Canada, all they do is add a little maple leaf to their logo and boom! Canadians will buy your product. McDonald's and Subway are two such examples. Anyway, the way Enterprise changed their ad is priceless. You know that awful Enterprise commercial (yes, I know they're all awful) where this guy is picking up his mom and the mom goes, "a rental car? Sounds expensive!" or whatever and the son goes, "It's 50% off, Mom!" like a weenie, and they say some other stupid stuff, and the mom ends with, "If you're saving so much money, you should have gotten a bigger car!" and the son says, "Mom!" and the whole thing just makes you want to kill yourself. Well in Canada they have the exact same commercial, word for word, except the mother and son in the Canadian commercial ARE WHITE. That is the only difference. Like, Enterprise thought Canadians wouldn't want to rent from them if they had black people in their commercials?! Wow.
And now for the playoffs:
Everyone's picking either the Sharks or the Ducks and...really? Them? Man I have no idea this year. I'm just going to have to guess. That's what living without Center Ice does to you.
The Edmonton Oilers and Vancouver Canucks just missed the playoffs this year. I am furious with the Canucks. They blew it. I'm less sorry the Oilers didn't make it, but you reap what you sow, Kevin Lowe. That's what you get for treating Ryan Smyth and his hockey hair like that.
And Buffalo...oh, Sabres. You make me so sad. You know I still love you, but for the last month or so, I was actually hoping you wouldn't make the playoffs. You had your chance. You should have won last year. Now step aside and try again next year. You only would have embarrassed yourselves.
The 2008 Stanley Cup finalists: Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Dallas Stars. Maybe.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Montreal Canadiens vs. #8 Boston Bruins
Let's go Bruins! (If you want to hear the worst ringtone ever, just head over to this page, and in the "Bruins Ringtones" box on the right, click on the play button for "Bruins Pick It Up".) Hooray for two of the Original Six getting back into the playoffs. Hooray for Boston for surviving the various murder attempts by the Philadelphia Flyers. And hooray for Montreal being the top seed in the East! I had no idea. Carey Price is the new Cam Ward, only prettier. No Saku Koivu, but has Alexei Kovalev decided to be clutch and, like, responsible? We'll see if he keeps this up. I knew the Bruins were smart to pick up Andy Ference (remember when the Winter Hawks were good? whimper). He's such a great guy to have on your team, and the fans seem to love him. Boston sports fans are so smart. By the way, I recently saw an ad on NESN for the Bruins, and these tiny little white Boston kids were doing a Bruins rap outside in the snow. It is the best commercial I have ever seen. "The Bruins, the Bruins what!" Hee. Too bad the Bruins lost all eight games to the Habs this year. And too bad Montreal had the top power play in the league and the Bruins the 3rd-worst penalty kill. But hi, Bruins! It was nice to see you again! Say hi to Cam Neely for me! xoxo
My pick: Canadiens in 5.
#2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #7 Ottawa Senators
Rematch!! The Sens beat the Pens in the first round last year in five games, but the Penguins could and should kick some ass this year. Love the Penguins, hate the Senators. Marian Hossa will be interesting to watch. The Senators traded him for Dany Heatley a while back, and now he's on the Penguins, so there's that. Also, he has a poor playoff performance history (he was outplayed last year by his less talented baby brother). He needs to do well and shove it in the Senators' dumb faces. The Sens have a goalie problem: they are either mentally stable yet decent at hockey, or awesome at hockey yet effing crazy. Ray Emery, supposedly the Senators #1 goalie and an avid boxing fan, had a picture of Mike Tyson painted on his goalie mask. Mike Tyson, you'll recall, is an ear-biting, face-tattooed rapist. To the Senators credit, they made Emery change his mask, but what in Hades was he thinking?!
My pick: Penguins in 6.
#3 Washington Capitals vs. #6 Philadelphia Flyers
Oh my god, Alex Ovechkin is FINALLY in the playoffs. I never expected to be such an Ovechkin fan, but damn his enthusiasm is infectious. Love him and his pigeon English. I really haven't stopped laughing since his "I live this day and I take this day all beautiful things" quote from his rookie year. I like to say it randomly around the house. The Caps are the third seed, but they actually had the fewest points of any playoff team in the conference. The three division leaders get the top three seeds in the playoffs, so the Capitals, by winning the craptacular Southeast Division, are the third seed in the East. So, by beating out the Carolina Hurricanes for the division title, the Caps knocked the Hurricanes out of the playoffs entirely. As a consequence, Hurricane defenseman Bret Hedican was able to be in the audience to watch his wife, Kristi Yamaguchi, once again kick some dancing ass on Dancing with the Stars this week. Much as I hate the Flyers, I was rooting for them to make the playoffs. I love their new goalie, and I LOVE their new defenseman Braydon Coburn, who is blossoming into quite the young hockey player (remember when the Winter Hawks were good? sniff). Hey, Hockey Canada, wouldn't Braydon, his awesome skating, and his newfound offensive prowess look pretty good on that Olympic ice in Vancouver 2010? Hmm? Eh? Too bad the Flyers also have the loathesome Steve Downie, who is detestable and gross. Mike Richards of the Flyers is the Dion Phaneuf of the Eastern Conference. People will not stop gushing about him and how awesome he is and isn't he so great and wonderful and can I get you anything, Mike Richards? Do you need your pillow fluffed? Can I peel some grapes and feed them to you? God.
My pick: Capitals in 7.
#4 New Jersey Devils vs. #5 New York Rangers
Hee hee hee hee. Hee. I really like both of these teams, and this year I'm starting to love the Rangers again, goddamnit. Why am I such a tool? Brandon Dubinsky, no other reason (remember when the Winter Hawks were good? sob). Everyone loves him! They're having him center Jaromir Jagr's line. Everytime I see Dubi, he's winning a faceoff. Chris Drury and Scott Gomez both ditched their awesome teams to sign with the Rangers during the off-season, which pissed me right off. I mean, Gomez I can forgive because clearly he's weak and easily led astray, like a puppy or David Archuleta. But shame on you, Chris Drury! You should know better. You two had better justify yourselves during the playoffs. Don't make me come over there! And oh, the poor Devils. They did really well for themselves by finishing second in their division, despite losing so many great players the last few seasons. But Johnny Oduya, Mike Mottau and Paul Martin, bless their hearts, aren't exactly Scott Niedermayer, Scott Stevens and Brian Rafalski. They do still have Martin Brodeur, best goalie ever, so they could do well yet.
My pick: Rangers in 7.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Detroit Red Wings vs. #8 Nashville Predators
Once again, the Red Wings win the President's Trophy as the top team in the league due entirely to the fact that they are so much better than the other teams in their division, one of those teams being the Nashville Predators. How the hell did the Predators make the playoffs?! I didn't see that one coming at all, I have to say. I didn't pick the Red Wings in any round last year, and they ended up going to the Conference Final, so maybe I'll pick them for one round this year at least. They really should beat the Predators without too much trouble. The Preds lost a bunch of great players due to their massive financial problems, they have a bunch of guys out with injuries (including the fabulous Jed Ortmeyer), and they're starting some goalie I've never even heard of (Dan Ellis?). Still, it was nice for their 14 fans that they got into the playoffs.
My pick: Red Wings in 5.
#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #7 Calgary Flames
Sharks, I want to like you. I do. It doesn't help that your first round opponent is my favorite team in the West. It also doesn't help that every year you are a massive disappointment in the playoffs. I'm told Joe Thornton is playing the best hockey of his career, and he's a former league MVP, so that's saying something. He also appeared in a commercial this year checking himself out in a mirror and asking, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" [For the record, the answer is yes. Hockey pants are hilariously unflattering.] People are picking the Sharks to win the Stanley Cup, which astounds me. I think people are being dazzled by the Sharks' awesome play at the end of the season, but I feel like they were overachieving. The Flames, however, traded away Andrew Ference last year, which I still believe was a large mistake. He's a guy you want on your playoff team. Idiots. Two things need to happen for the Flames to win: they need some guys other than Jarome Iginla to score, and Dion Phaneuf needs to make me love him. These things are unlikely to happen.
My pick: Sharks in 6.
#3 Minnesota Wild vs. #6 Colorado Avalanche
If the Avs win, it won't be much of an upset. The Wild have that stifling Jacques Lemaire defense, but Colorado totally got the band back together. They picked up Peter Forsberg and Adam Foote in a blatantly transparent attempt to relive their glory days. That probably made their fans happy, but they'll be lucky if it gets them any further than the second round. In all honesty, I couldn't care less about this one. If the Wild win, it'll be because of special teams. This might be a dumb pick, but...
My pick: Avalanche in 6.
#4 Anaheim Ducks vs. #5 Dallas Stars
This one might be epic. I guess the Ducks could repeat, I dunno. They certainly have a better chance now that Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne decided to stop fucking around and finally join the team and play some damn hockey. Anaheim traded away their top scorer from last year's playoffs, and they have not scored a lot of goals this year. The Stars managed to get former playoff MVP Brad Richards, which is a fantastic pickup. They still have that godawful Mike Ribeiro, though. I feel like the Western Conference champion might come from this series. If the Stars make it past that awesome group of Anaheim defensemen, then they are for real. If the Ducks get the offense, then they could repeat.
My pick: Stars in 7.
ex-Winter Hawks in the playoffs:
Andrew Ference, Boston Bruins; Marian Hossa, Pittsburgh Penguins; Braydon Coburn, Philadelphia Flyers; Brandon Dubinsky, New York Rangers; Brendan Morrow, Dallas Stars; Scott Nichol, Nashville Predators; Cody McLeod, Colorado Avalanche.