Book 4, Chapter 6: Released from Circles Guarded Tight
Title: Released from Circles Guarded Tight
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Gian/Karina, Dominic
Word count: 3763
Summary: Comfort, company, compassion.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
Dominic's sat perched on a stool in the middle of Gian's front room that serves as his studio for two hours at least, though to Dominic it's felt like ten. He can't seem to stop the restless movement of his hands and feet as they tap out a rhythm to some counterpoint in his head, and Gian's been forced to pause twice already in his work, brushing away Dominic's muttered apologies with a sweep of his hand. Both times, Dominic had left the stool and made a circuit of the room, stretching his arms above his head and twisting at the waist until his back cracked dully, while Gian waited patiently at his canvas.
This second time, Dominic's slow to climb back onto the stool, and he takes up the props of helmet and staff awkwardly as Gian advances toward him to turn his chin and adjust the sheet.
"Just another hour or so today, I think, Dominic, if you don't mind."
"I don't mind." Dominic tells himself that he's growing used to the weight of the helmet and the scratchy red wool drape. It's just that it's warm in the room, too warm; the heat is turned up too high, and the trappings are ridiculous. It's a commissioned piece Gian's working on here, a romanticized depiction of someone's relative, and Dominic feels a little like a prop himself, holding the staff and his own head up under the helmet.
"You seem restless."
Dominic shakes his head no, but he's stopped by the firm pressure Gian puts to his chin.
"That was not my thought, but Karina's. She's worried about you. I told her that at your age--" Gian tilts his head and shrugs his shoulder. "I did not always make the best decisions. That came later. With Karina."
Dominic blinks, then raises his chin higher. "Did you always know? When you met her, did you know she'd ..." Dominic's voice trails off, and a corner of Gian's mouth rises in a smile.
"I didn't, no. Karina did, though." For a moment Gian lets that rest between them, then he smiles again and steps back. "Steady now, Dom. Very still."
Dominic forces himself to relax into the pose again, knowing that under other circumstances, no artist would be as patient as Gian has been today. They've had a good rapport since the first time Dominic had posed for him, and Dominic knows he's lucky that Gian needs him again, not least because it'll put a little money in Dominic's pocket. Thinking both of that money and his desire to not make Gian's life more difficult, Dominic clears his mind as best he can, staying quiet until he hears the door to Gian's flat open.
Karina comes in quietly, not wanting to disturb artist or model, but she glances at Dominic as she passes them, her arms weighed down with mesh grocery bags, a cup of coffee that she sets next to Gian's jar of water and brushes, and a stack of books in the crook of her arm. Dominic watches her move into the kitchen and set her things on the counter, and keeps his eyes on her as she removes her knit hat and smooths down her hair.
She catches Dominic's stare and measures it and the situation in front of her before she moves to fill a kettle with water and set it on the stove. There's something so domestic and soothing in her movements that it relaxes Dominic completely, allowing him to remember how much he used to enjoy posing for Gian and to feel that again for a few moments, settling into the pose even as the helmet, which is slightly too big, presses awkwardly down on his nose. When Karina disappears into the back of the flat, presumably to the bedroom, Dominic's suddenly reminded of how hot and scratchy the drape is, and he shifts uneasily on the stool.
"Only a few more minutes, Dom."
At the sound of Gian's voice, Dominic notices that he's let the staff slip to his shoulder, and he straightens it and himself up again with a cough. Karina moves back into view, changed from her jeans and a sweater to a soft skirt and a sleeveless top. Dominic's eyes follow the movement of the fabric around her as she takes the singing kettle from the burner, rinsing two cups with the hot water before filling them and adding tea bags. She catches Dominic's eye again as she pushes the cups to one side to steep, and then she stands near Gian and looks at the portrait in progress, nothing more at the moment than the helmet and a featureless face.
"I thought perhaps you would be further along this afternoon," she murmurs, and Dominic watches Gian carefully for his response, feeling responsible and heavy with guilt when Gian shrugs, his attention still on the canvas.
"I thought I would too. I had hoped. It is not you, Dom," Gian says when Karina nudges his shoulder. "It's more that this is not a work from the heart."
"It'll pay our rent for another month."
"Yes." Gian nods, reaching to curve his hand at the side of Karina's neck and squeeze gently, almost apologetically. Karina closes her eyes for a moment and then steps out of Gian's reach, and Gian looks back to Dominic. "So you see, Dom, this is why I do it. Why I'm asking you to wear that ridiculous hat, for a start."
Dominic nods, offering Gian a smile, and Karina comes to him, taking the helmet off with both hands and setting it on the floor, the staff following it there immediately. Karina pushes her hands through Dominic's hair, and as Dominic reaches up to rub the sweat from his face and forehead, she takes the drape from his shoulders. "Come," she says firmly, and tilts her head toward the kitchen. "I've made you tea."
Gian doesn't follow them; instead he sips from his coffee and continues to stare at his canvas. Karina pushes a cup into Dominic's hands and retrieves the honey from the cupboard while Dominic looks over his shoulder to where Gian stands, his lips pushed into a frown.
"I'm sorry, Gian," Dominic says, though he'd believed it when Gian had said that it wasn't Dominic's lack of concentration at fault here today, and he nods when Gian says so again, more distractedly. Dominic turns back to Karina and finds her sipping at her tea but watching him closely.
"I think it's no good for today," Gian announces out loud to no one in particular, defeated and shaking his head, the floor near his feet splattered with water as he tosses his paintbrush into it with a bit more force than he'd likely meant to. "I'll still pay you for the whole day, Dom."
Dominic glances at the clock--it's nearly three o'clock--and remembers he had agreed to stay until five. He has no plans to accept money he hasn't earned, and opens his mouth to say so, but is stopped when Karina puts her hand on his arm, rubbing gently.
"Perhaps, Gian." Karina tilts her head at Dominic and smiles gently, patting Dominic's arm to keep him there at the counter before she goes to Gian, taking his face into her hands and kissing him. They speak, too softly for Dominic to make out the words, and Dominic turns back to his tea rather than properly eavesdrop, looking out the window over the sink and tempering the spike of jealousy he feels when Gian and Karina touch, over the honesty in those touches and over how they react to one another.
"I've accepted another commission, Dom," Gian laughs. "One more amenable to my goals, I think." When Dominic looks their way again, Gian's smiling at Karina, turning to dig among his stacks of equipment for a large sketch pad and rattling through a drawer to find the pencils he wants. "If you wouldn't mind sitting for me a bit longer, as we had planned."
Dominic shakes his head, a strange awareness of how he hadn't wanted to leave here just yet coming over him. "I don't mind."
"In there, I think, if it doesn't bother you, Dom," Gian explains, pointing the way to the room he shares with Karina before he picks up the stool Dominic had been using. "I can't bear to look at that helmet any longer."
Dominic walks ahead of Gian and finds Karina's already disappeared into the bedroom, straightening the sheets and duvet and arranging the pillows before she turns and gives him a rare smile. Dominic's struck by its loveliness, and doesn't hesitate when she takes his hands in hers, leading him forward.
"Gian has taken many commissions over the last few months," she says quietly. "They can be a bit wearing."
"I've nearly been reduced to making, what do you call them, with the funny noses and big ears--"
"Caricatures," Karina says, the twist of her lips telling Dominic that she and Gian have had this conversation many times.
"Yes, caricatures. An artist's way to busk for his dinner, yes? Crying babies and spoiled little girls, these have been my subjects, and now this Roman. You know what this is, Dominic? Did I tell you?"
"No."
"It is not art." Gian laughs again. "You've seen the building that has leveled the green space near the west gate of your college, yes?" Dominic nods, remembering his shock upon seeing the construction there months before. Gian frowns, reading Dominic's expression, and continues. "The woman who donated the money to Baskerville to have it built--she wanted it named after her father, and now she is having the man painted in the likeness of--"
Karina interrupts him with another smile. "No one, if we are to be honest about it. She could not name the figure she wanted, so she asked for someone ... generic. Generic but heroic. So Gian has simply taken to calling him--"
"The Roman." Gian sighs heavily and settles onto the stool, flipping through the pages of his artist's pad. Karina's smile turns sympathetic, then widens slightly again for Dominic's benefit.
"It is hard, Dominic. Hard for Gian to always think of the commissions, but for now they more than pay the bills. Hard, but necessary, and not forever."
"This is why I need Kara to remind me that I can do other things."
Karina nods firmly, squeezing Dominic's hands. "A commission for his wife."
Dominic grins back at her, moving unafraid as she pulls him down onto the bed with her. Karina lies back against the pillows, her skirt riding high on her thighs, and she pulls her top off before bringing Dominic back into her arms, coaxing him to stretch above her, his legs between her own. Dominic lets her, his thoughts running off to the memory of having left Billy in bed this morning for a run and returning to find him still wrapped around his pillow. Dominic had kissed him awake, trying to start something more, and Billy had once again put him off, slipping out of Dominic reach and into the shower. Dominic's frustration surfaces again and he pushes it away, resettling himself in Karina's arms. Gian hums as he circles the bed, then kneels on the edge of the mattress, his hand first at Dominic's waist, then moving to gently stretch Karina's arm out before he places Dominic's hand in hers.
"Like that, I think. Are you comfortable, Dom?"
Dominic nods and Gian hums again, taking up his sketchpad. "Close your eyes, Dom. Karina, look here. Look at me."
Karina strokes her fingers through Dominic's hair but otherwise holds still. Dominic envies her ability to do so, but after a while her calm transfers itself to him, and Dominic finds himself just on the edge of sleep when Karina's voice moves warm and soft over him. "I've missed you, Dominic. I worried for you when you didn't answer my emails."
"I'm sorry," he says automatically before he opens his eyes, and Karina shakes her head almost imperceptibly.
"You don't need to apologize. I only wanted to be sure you were alright. That you were safe. I had asked Orlando--I thought you two were friends, but he seemed, I don't know, almost afraid to say anything." She pauses as if to say more, then shakes her head again. "I worried."
"I'm sorry," Dominic says again, grinning when she tugs at his short hair. "I am. I--" Dominic takes his turn to pause, not sure what he wants to say. "I got lost for a bit," he says, settling on a lot of the truth.
"And have you found your way back home?"
"I think so. It's hard, though, isn't it." Dominic shakes his head and starts to pull his hand from hers, needing to move out of the warmth he'd welcomed just a moment before. Karina pulls him still, his arms straight, his hand tight in hers, until Dominic relaxes again and she rests back into her pillow. Dominic feels Gian rub at his ankle, and he sinks back into the pose, remembering to close his eyes.
"Last Tuesday," Karina says, "after you had posed for Gian that morning, I ran into Orlando again and told him that I'd found you. That you looked too thin. Ill. He said that you were worlds better than you had been, and that you'd reached a turning point, he'd called it. He seemed to believe that you would be okay now. That is what he told me, Dom. And still I'm worried."
Gian's pencil scratches against the paper, just barely covering his sigh. "She can't help herself, Dom, know this."
"I can't," Karina agrees, tugging at Dominic's hair again. "I told you before, when it seemed to be in question, that I would bring you here. That I would keep you here, if you were unhappy."
"It's not that," Dominic says, turns to kiss her shoulder in gratitude before he settles again, smiling now. "I just--" He pauses, wondering how he could explain what had happened, and finally decides to just tell her. "I fell in love with someone I shouldn't have, I suppose, and it's caused problems." Dominic twists the word in his mouth, wanting to laugh at its inadequacy but finding that he can't.
"Is he married?"
Dominic does breathe out a soft laugh now, shaking his head no against Karina's shoulder before he goes quiet again. "Worse. He's my professor. My advisor in philosophy." He hears Gian's pencil go still on the pad, and Karina take a deep breath against him.
"The one--"
Dominic cuts her off before she can continue a conversation they'd had months ago, one that swims into his thoughts now. "He's not taking advantage."
"It's alright, Dom," Gian says simply. "You have no need to defend him."
"Or yourself." Karina says quietly, but firmly too. They're all silent for a bit, Gian back at his work and Karina's hand again threading through Dominic's hair. "You fell in love."
Dominic nods his head against her shoulder, but his eyes are open now; he finds he has to concentrate now that he's confessed one thing and feels almost ready to confess others, just to have them said aloud instead of continuing to weigh on him.
"And he is in love with you."
Dominic ponders the question for a while, remembering his relief at being able to tell Billy his particular truth and trying not to read more than necessary into Billy's reluctance or seeming inability to say the same. "I think so."
"You're not sure."
"I want to be."
Karina lets out a little breath and goes quiet again, enough that Dominic's eyes close unwillingly, and when he opens them again at one small shift of Karina's body against his own, he sees that Gian has slipped from the room silently, leaving them alone.
"I've been waiting for him to say it back," Dominic says. "To, I don't know, touch me like he used to. He hasn't." Dominic realizes that he's finishing a conversation that he's been having with himself, and he shakes his head, turning in Karina's arms to lay on the bed next to her. She turns, dragging a shawl from the end of the bed and wrapping them both in it. "He asked me to keep his secrets and I didn't. I couldn't. And then Elijah."
"Elijah," Karina murmurs. "Another friend?"
"No. Not like Orlando." Dominic swallows. "I slept with him. I cheated. I thought that Billy meant it. I thought that we didn't have a chance."
"If you were apart at the time ..."
"Not the point, is it?"
"It can be." Karina nudges her cheek against Dominic's forehead, but Dominic's restless, his blood running too warm again.
"I slept with him. That makes it sound, I don't know, innocent, like. It wasn't. It was awful. It was--" Dominic stops, sitting up suddenly and pulling away from Karina. "Billy can't love me."
"Dominic." Karina sighs, sitting up to hold Dominic's face between her hands, letting them both take deep breaths before she kisses him very softly, very briefly. "You fell in love."
Dominic nods and reaches up to put his hands over hers.
"And you went back to him?"
"I was in an accident. I thought." Dominic pauses, the memories of that night fuzzy but he hasn't forgotten the fear of almost dying and the relief of hearing Billy's voice, of being able to go back home. "I called him first."
Karina strokes her thumb over the bright scar that remains on Dominic's forehead, humming. "And he came to you."
"He brought me to his house."
Karina nods as if approving the decisions Dominic and Billy both had made. "And you've been with him since."
"He asked me to stay." Dominic hears the reminder in his own voice, the affirmation of it. "He said he wanted me to stay with him."
"And he loves you."
Dominic flinches at Karina's mild certainty, and closes his eyes. "I don't know. I don't want it all to be about me getting ... better, like. And what if that's what it is."
"We all want to be better, Dom," Karina sighs. "No, you understand what I mean. There is more to this, Dominic; Gian told me about this man. You have written about this man--" Dominic looks up sharply, and Karina tilts her head. "You have. You've showed me things you must have forgotten, in such a short time, too."
Dominic ducks his head and takes another deep breath. "What if he finds out about Elijah?"
"Do you think he doesn't know already?" Dominic flinches again, and Karina strokes his hair, bringing him closer. "If there are secrets you cannot keep, you cannot expect others will do the same on your behalf, hmm? Even so, you are together now, Dom. You owe each other as much as you think--whatever that may be."
"Do you think I should tell him?"
Karina tilts her head again. "What is it that you want him to know?"
"That I didn't love Elijah. That it could have been anybody." Dominic squeezes his eyes shut. "That sounds worse, doesn't it."
"That it was physical, yes?" Karina kisses Dominic's forehead. "Not emotional. Surely you both would understand there is a difference, and that it matters."
"Yeah." Dominic nods. "I didn't enjoy it, like. Sometimes--I think all the time--I was ... I wasn't in a condition to enjoy it."
Karina's hand goes still in Dominic's hair, and Dominic holds his breath a little, suddenly aware of what's coming, but surprised when Karina's voice remains calm and her touch returns, as gentle as before. "This Elijah. He forced you?"
"Not exactly."
"You consented."
Dominic leans his head back, reminding himself that confession is supposed to feel this hard, this heavy, before the guilt leaves him and his heart and mind lighten. "Not exactly, but not exactly not. I was. Fuck. I'm sorry, Karina. I can't. I don't want to talk about all of it. I just can't."
"I do not blame you," Karina sighs. "But when and if you can, I will listen. Dominic, I think--it is harder to forgive ourselves than it ever is to forgive others, and I think--"
"I don't have anything to forgive him for. He hasn't done anything. It'd be easier if he did, maybe, if he'd fucked up as much as I had--"
"He may have, Dominic. You cannot know, can you?" Dominic looks up, and Karina caresses his cheek. "You have to forgive yourself, Dominic. It has to start there, I think. And then you have to be honest, like you were with me. You have to be honest to him and to yourself."
"I don't know if I can."
"That is a decision you have to make for yourself." Karina turns slightly, so that they're facing, and she holds both Dominic's gaze and his face in her hands. "But come back to this, Dominic. You fell in love."
"Yes."
"And he loves you."
For a long time Dominic says nothing, then he nods and swallows hard, willing it to be true. "Yes."
"That is what is important, yes?"
Dominic nods again.
A knock at the door startles them both, but Gian comes back into the room as quietly as he had left. He picks up the abandoned sketch pad, takes up his pencil and sits on the edge of the bed, leaning to rub Dominic's ankle again. Dominic nods, smiling, and rests his forehead on Karina's collarbone as Karina arranges him again, and they settle into the pose.
Dominic feels lighter than he has in ages, deciding that Karina has to be right, and that yes, he can be honest when the time comes, to Billy and himself. The relief leaves him feeling boneless and tired, but in a good way, a way that leaves the smile still on his face as he feels himself drifting.
"Let him sleep," Karina scolds gently as the mattress creaks a little from Gian's curious shift, and Dominic tries to find the words to say that he's not asleep, but they don't come, and he doesn't have the strength or interest to chase them.
"Is he alright?" Dominic hears Gian say, and then there is Karina's quiet laughter.
"And you say that I'm the worrier."
"I'm okay," Dominic whispers, and believes it. Gian's hand touches his ankle again and Dominic sighs before the sound of pencil on paper sends him off to an easy, comfortable rest.
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Gian/Karina, Dominic
Word count: 3763
Summary: Comfort, company, compassion.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
Dominic's sat perched on a stool in the middle of Gian's front room that serves as his studio for two hours at least, though to Dominic it's felt like ten. He can't seem to stop the restless movement of his hands and feet as they tap out a rhythm to some counterpoint in his head, and Gian's been forced to pause twice already in his work, brushing away Dominic's muttered apologies with a sweep of his hand. Both times, Dominic had left the stool and made a circuit of the room, stretching his arms above his head and twisting at the waist until his back cracked dully, while Gian waited patiently at his canvas.
This second time, Dominic's slow to climb back onto the stool, and he takes up the props of helmet and staff awkwardly as Gian advances toward him to turn his chin and adjust the sheet.
"Just another hour or so today, I think, Dominic, if you don't mind."
"I don't mind." Dominic tells himself that he's growing used to the weight of the helmet and the scratchy red wool drape. It's just that it's warm in the room, too warm; the heat is turned up too high, and the trappings are ridiculous. It's a commissioned piece Gian's working on here, a romanticized depiction of someone's relative, and Dominic feels a little like a prop himself, holding the staff and his own head up under the helmet.
"You seem restless."
Dominic shakes his head no, but he's stopped by the firm pressure Gian puts to his chin.
"That was not my thought, but Karina's. She's worried about you. I told her that at your age--" Gian tilts his head and shrugs his shoulder. "I did not always make the best decisions. That came later. With Karina."
Dominic blinks, then raises his chin higher. "Did you always know? When you met her, did you know she'd ..." Dominic's voice trails off, and a corner of Gian's mouth rises in a smile.
"I didn't, no. Karina did, though." For a moment Gian lets that rest between them, then he smiles again and steps back. "Steady now, Dom. Very still."
Dominic forces himself to relax into the pose again, knowing that under other circumstances, no artist would be as patient as Gian has been today. They've had a good rapport since the first time Dominic had posed for him, and Dominic knows he's lucky that Gian needs him again, not least because it'll put a little money in Dominic's pocket. Thinking both of that money and his desire to not make Gian's life more difficult, Dominic clears his mind as best he can, staying quiet until he hears the door to Gian's flat open.
Karina comes in quietly, not wanting to disturb artist or model, but she glances at Dominic as she passes them, her arms weighed down with mesh grocery bags, a cup of coffee that she sets next to Gian's jar of water and brushes, and a stack of books in the crook of her arm. Dominic watches her move into the kitchen and set her things on the counter, and keeps his eyes on her as she removes her knit hat and smooths down her hair.
She catches Dominic's stare and measures it and the situation in front of her before she moves to fill a kettle with water and set it on the stove. There's something so domestic and soothing in her movements that it relaxes Dominic completely, allowing him to remember how much he used to enjoy posing for Gian and to feel that again for a few moments, settling into the pose even as the helmet, which is slightly too big, presses awkwardly down on his nose. When Karina disappears into the back of the flat, presumably to the bedroom, Dominic's suddenly reminded of how hot and scratchy the drape is, and he shifts uneasily on the stool.
"Only a few more minutes, Dom."
At the sound of Gian's voice, Dominic notices that he's let the staff slip to his shoulder, and he straightens it and himself up again with a cough. Karina moves back into view, changed from her jeans and a sweater to a soft skirt and a sleeveless top. Dominic's eyes follow the movement of the fabric around her as she takes the singing kettle from the burner, rinsing two cups with the hot water before filling them and adding tea bags. She catches Dominic's eye again as she pushes the cups to one side to steep, and then she stands near Gian and looks at the portrait in progress, nothing more at the moment than the helmet and a featureless face.
"I thought perhaps you would be further along this afternoon," she murmurs, and Dominic watches Gian carefully for his response, feeling responsible and heavy with guilt when Gian shrugs, his attention still on the canvas.
"I thought I would too. I had hoped. It is not you, Dom," Gian says when Karina nudges his shoulder. "It's more that this is not a work from the heart."
"It'll pay our rent for another month."
"Yes." Gian nods, reaching to curve his hand at the side of Karina's neck and squeeze gently, almost apologetically. Karina closes her eyes for a moment and then steps out of Gian's reach, and Gian looks back to Dominic. "So you see, Dom, this is why I do it. Why I'm asking you to wear that ridiculous hat, for a start."
Dominic nods, offering Gian a smile, and Karina comes to him, taking the helmet off with both hands and setting it on the floor, the staff following it there immediately. Karina pushes her hands through Dominic's hair, and as Dominic reaches up to rub the sweat from his face and forehead, she takes the drape from his shoulders. "Come," she says firmly, and tilts her head toward the kitchen. "I've made you tea."
Gian doesn't follow them; instead he sips from his coffee and continues to stare at his canvas. Karina pushes a cup into Dominic's hands and retrieves the honey from the cupboard while Dominic looks over his shoulder to where Gian stands, his lips pushed into a frown.
"I'm sorry, Gian," Dominic says, though he'd believed it when Gian had said that it wasn't Dominic's lack of concentration at fault here today, and he nods when Gian says so again, more distractedly. Dominic turns back to Karina and finds her sipping at her tea but watching him closely.
"I think it's no good for today," Gian announces out loud to no one in particular, defeated and shaking his head, the floor near his feet splattered with water as he tosses his paintbrush into it with a bit more force than he'd likely meant to. "I'll still pay you for the whole day, Dom."
Dominic glances at the clock--it's nearly three o'clock--and remembers he had agreed to stay until five. He has no plans to accept money he hasn't earned, and opens his mouth to say so, but is stopped when Karina puts her hand on his arm, rubbing gently.
"Perhaps, Gian." Karina tilts her head at Dominic and smiles gently, patting Dominic's arm to keep him there at the counter before she goes to Gian, taking his face into her hands and kissing him. They speak, too softly for Dominic to make out the words, and Dominic turns back to his tea rather than properly eavesdrop, looking out the window over the sink and tempering the spike of jealousy he feels when Gian and Karina touch, over the honesty in those touches and over how they react to one another.
"I've accepted another commission, Dom," Gian laughs. "One more amenable to my goals, I think." When Dominic looks their way again, Gian's smiling at Karina, turning to dig among his stacks of equipment for a large sketch pad and rattling through a drawer to find the pencils he wants. "If you wouldn't mind sitting for me a bit longer, as we had planned."
Dominic shakes his head, a strange awareness of how he hadn't wanted to leave here just yet coming over him. "I don't mind."
"In there, I think, if it doesn't bother you, Dom," Gian explains, pointing the way to the room he shares with Karina before he picks up the stool Dominic had been using. "I can't bear to look at that helmet any longer."
Dominic walks ahead of Gian and finds Karina's already disappeared into the bedroom, straightening the sheets and duvet and arranging the pillows before she turns and gives him a rare smile. Dominic's struck by its loveliness, and doesn't hesitate when she takes his hands in hers, leading him forward.
"Gian has taken many commissions over the last few months," she says quietly. "They can be a bit wearing."
"I've nearly been reduced to making, what do you call them, with the funny noses and big ears--"
"Caricatures," Karina says, the twist of her lips telling Dominic that she and Gian have had this conversation many times.
"Yes, caricatures. An artist's way to busk for his dinner, yes? Crying babies and spoiled little girls, these have been my subjects, and now this Roman. You know what this is, Dominic? Did I tell you?"
"No."
"It is not art." Gian laughs again. "You've seen the building that has leveled the green space near the west gate of your college, yes?" Dominic nods, remembering his shock upon seeing the construction there months before. Gian frowns, reading Dominic's expression, and continues. "The woman who donated the money to Baskerville to have it built--she wanted it named after her father, and now she is having the man painted in the likeness of--"
Karina interrupts him with another smile. "No one, if we are to be honest about it. She could not name the figure she wanted, so she asked for someone ... generic. Generic but heroic. So Gian has simply taken to calling him--"
"The Roman." Gian sighs heavily and settles onto the stool, flipping through the pages of his artist's pad. Karina's smile turns sympathetic, then widens slightly again for Dominic's benefit.
"It is hard, Dominic. Hard for Gian to always think of the commissions, but for now they more than pay the bills. Hard, but necessary, and not forever."
"This is why I need Kara to remind me that I can do other things."
Karina nods firmly, squeezing Dominic's hands. "A commission for his wife."
Dominic grins back at her, moving unafraid as she pulls him down onto the bed with her. Karina lies back against the pillows, her skirt riding high on her thighs, and she pulls her top off before bringing Dominic back into her arms, coaxing him to stretch above her, his legs between her own. Dominic lets her, his thoughts running off to the memory of having left Billy in bed this morning for a run and returning to find him still wrapped around his pillow. Dominic had kissed him awake, trying to start something more, and Billy had once again put him off, slipping out of Dominic reach and into the shower. Dominic's frustration surfaces again and he pushes it away, resettling himself in Karina's arms. Gian hums as he circles the bed, then kneels on the edge of the mattress, his hand first at Dominic's waist, then moving to gently stretch Karina's arm out before he places Dominic's hand in hers.
"Like that, I think. Are you comfortable, Dom?"
Dominic nods and Gian hums again, taking up his sketchpad. "Close your eyes, Dom. Karina, look here. Look at me."
Karina strokes her fingers through Dominic's hair but otherwise holds still. Dominic envies her ability to do so, but after a while her calm transfers itself to him, and Dominic finds himself just on the edge of sleep when Karina's voice moves warm and soft over him. "I've missed you, Dominic. I worried for you when you didn't answer my emails."
"I'm sorry," he says automatically before he opens his eyes, and Karina shakes her head almost imperceptibly.
"You don't need to apologize. I only wanted to be sure you were alright. That you were safe. I had asked Orlando--I thought you two were friends, but he seemed, I don't know, almost afraid to say anything." She pauses as if to say more, then shakes her head again. "I worried."
"I'm sorry," Dominic says again, grinning when she tugs at his short hair. "I am. I--" Dominic takes his turn to pause, not sure what he wants to say. "I got lost for a bit," he says, settling on a lot of the truth.
"And have you found your way back home?"
"I think so. It's hard, though, isn't it." Dominic shakes his head and starts to pull his hand from hers, needing to move out of the warmth he'd welcomed just a moment before. Karina pulls him still, his arms straight, his hand tight in hers, until Dominic relaxes again and she rests back into her pillow. Dominic feels Gian rub at his ankle, and he sinks back into the pose, remembering to close his eyes.
"Last Tuesday," Karina says, "after you had posed for Gian that morning, I ran into Orlando again and told him that I'd found you. That you looked too thin. Ill. He said that you were worlds better than you had been, and that you'd reached a turning point, he'd called it. He seemed to believe that you would be okay now. That is what he told me, Dom. And still I'm worried."
Gian's pencil scratches against the paper, just barely covering his sigh. "She can't help herself, Dom, know this."
"I can't," Karina agrees, tugging at Dominic's hair again. "I told you before, when it seemed to be in question, that I would bring you here. That I would keep you here, if you were unhappy."
"It's not that," Dominic says, turns to kiss her shoulder in gratitude before he settles again, smiling now. "I just--" He pauses, wondering how he could explain what had happened, and finally decides to just tell her. "I fell in love with someone I shouldn't have, I suppose, and it's caused problems." Dominic twists the word in his mouth, wanting to laugh at its inadequacy but finding that he can't.
"Is he married?"
Dominic does breathe out a soft laugh now, shaking his head no against Karina's shoulder before he goes quiet again. "Worse. He's my professor. My advisor in philosophy." He hears Gian's pencil go still on the pad, and Karina take a deep breath against him.
"The one--"
Dominic cuts her off before she can continue a conversation they'd had months ago, one that swims into his thoughts now. "He's not taking advantage."
"It's alright, Dom," Gian says simply. "You have no need to defend him."
"Or yourself." Karina says quietly, but firmly too. They're all silent for a bit, Gian back at his work and Karina's hand again threading through Dominic's hair. "You fell in love."
Dominic nods his head against her shoulder, but his eyes are open now; he finds he has to concentrate now that he's confessed one thing and feels almost ready to confess others, just to have them said aloud instead of continuing to weigh on him.
"And he is in love with you."
Dominic ponders the question for a while, remembering his relief at being able to tell Billy his particular truth and trying not to read more than necessary into Billy's reluctance or seeming inability to say the same. "I think so."
"You're not sure."
"I want to be."
Karina lets out a little breath and goes quiet again, enough that Dominic's eyes close unwillingly, and when he opens them again at one small shift of Karina's body against his own, he sees that Gian has slipped from the room silently, leaving them alone.
"I've been waiting for him to say it back," Dominic says. "To, I don't know, touch me like he used to. He hasn't." Dominic realizes that he's finishing a conversation that he's been having with himself, and he shakes his head, turning in Karina's arms to lay on the bed next to her. She turns, dragging a shawl from the end of the bed and wrapping them both in it. "He asked me to keep his secrets and I didn't. I couldn't. And then Elijah."
"Elijah," Karina murmurs. "Another friend?"
"No. Not like Orlando." Dominic swallows. "I slept with him. I cheated. I thought that Billy meant it. I thought that we didn't have a chance."
"If you were apart at the time ..."
"Not the point, is it?"
"It can be." Karina nudges her cheek against Dominic's forehead, but Dominic's restless, his blood running too warm again.
"I slept with him. That makes it sound, I don't know, innocent, like. It wasn't. It was awful. It was--" Dominic stops, sitting up suddenly and pulling away from Karina. "Billy can't love me."
"Dominic." Karina sighs, sitting up to hold Dominic's face between her hands, letting them both take deep breaths before she kisses him very softly, very briefly. "You fell in love."
Dominic nods and reaches up to put his hands over hers.
"And you went back to him?"
"I was in an accident. I thought." Dominic pauses, the memories of that night fuzzy but he hasn't forgotten the fear of almost dying and the relief of hearing Billy's voice, of being able to go back home. "I called him first."
Karina strokes her thumb over the bright scar that remains on Dominic's forehead, humming. "And he came to you."
"He brought me to his house."
Karina nods as if approving the decisions Dominic and Billy both had made. "And you've been with him since."
"He asked me to stay." Dominic hears the reminder in his own voice, the affirmation of it. "He said he wanted me to stay with him."
"And he loves you."
Dominic flinches at Karina's mild certainty, and closes his eyes. "I don't know. I don't want it all to be about me getting ... better, like. And what if that's what it is."
"We all want to be better, Dom," Karina sighs. "No, you understand what I mean. There is more to this, Dominic; Gian told me about this man. You have written about this man--" Dominic looks up sharply, and Karina tilts her head. "You have. You've showed me things you must have forgotten, in such a short time, too."
Dominic ducks his head and takes another deep breath. "What if he finds out about Elijah?"
"Do you think he doesn't know already?" Dominic flinches again, and Karina strokes his hair, bringing him closer. "If there are secrets you cannot keep, you cannot expect others will do the same on your behalf, hmm? Even so, you are together now, Dom. You owe each other as much as you think--whatever that may be."
"Do you think I should tell him?"
Karina tilts her head again. "What is it that you want him to know?"
"That I didn't love Elijah. That it could have been anybody." Dominic squeezes his eyes shut. "That sounds worse, doesn't it."
"That it was physical, yes?" Karina kisses Dominic's forehead. "Not emotional. Surely you both would understand there is a difference, and that it matters."
"Yeah." Dominic nods. "I didn't enjoy it, like. Sometimes--I think all the time--I was ... I wasn't in a condition to enjoy it."
Karina's hand goes still in Dominic's hair, and Dominic holds his breath a little, suddenly aware of what's coming, but surprised when Karina's voice remains calm and her touch returns, as gentle as before. "This Elijah. He forced you?"
"Not exactly."
"You consented."
Dominic leans his head back, reminding himself that confession is supposed to feel this hard, this heavy, before the guilt leaves him and his heart and mind lighten. "Not exactly, but not exactly not. I was. Fuck. I'm sorry, Karina. I can't. I don't want to talk about all of it. I just can't."
"I do not blame you," Karina sighs. "But when and if you can, I will listen. Dominic, I think--it is harder to forgive ourselves than it ever is to forgive others, and I think--"
"I don't have anything to forgive him for. He hasn't done anything. It'd be easier if he did, maybe, if he'd fucked up as much as I had--"
"He may have, Dominic. You cannot know, can you?" Dominic looks up, and Karina caresses his cheek. "You have to forgive yourself, Dominic. It has to start there, I think. And then you have to be honest, like you were with me. You have to be honest to him and to yourself."
"I don't know if I can."
"That is a decision you have to make for yourself." Karina turns slightly, so that they're facing, and she holds both Dominic's gaze and his face in her hands. "But come back to this, Dominic. You fell in love."
"Yes."
"And he loves you."
For a long time Dominic says nothing, then he nods and swallows hard, willing it to be true. "Yes."
"That is what is important, yes?"
Dominic nods again.
A knock at the door startles them both, but Gian comes back into the room as quietly as he had left. He picks up the abandoned sketch pad, takes up his pencil and sits on the edge of the bed, leaning to rub Dominic's ankle again. Dominic nods, smiling, and rests his forehead on Karina's collarbone as Karina arranges him again, and they settle into the pose.
Dominic feels lighter than he has in ages, deciding that Karina has to be right, and that yes, he can be honest when the time comes, to Billy and himself. The relief leaves him feeling boneless and tired, but in a good way, a way that leaves the smile still on his face as he feels himself drifting.
"Let him sleep," Karina scolds gently as the mattress creaks a little from Gian's curious shift, and Dominic tries to find the words to say that he's not asleep, but they don't come, and he doesn't have the strength or interest to chase them.
"Is he alright?" Dominic hears Gian say, and then there is Karina's quiet laughter.
"And you say that I'm the worrier."
"I'm okay," Dominic whispers, and believes it. Gian's hand touches his ankle again and Dominic sighs before the sound of pencil on paper sends him off to an easy, comfortable rest.