...when you're a mother...they hand out the ability to make your child feel guilty about everything.

[inavariceandlov]

so i didn't go and see my grandmother today. yep. i didn't. and my mother made me feel bad about it. made me feel bad about wanting to make my own decisions and trying to start my own life. finally, i've actually begun something that may lead to adulthood, and instead, i feel these insane pangs of guilt within me because i'm not going to try to make small talk with my barely lucid grandmother for an hour...driving almost 45 minutes, and wasting gas money that i don't have. honestly, if she was in assisted living like i suggested in december, this would've never happened...they would make her go to the doctor's when she's sick...and they wouldn't have left her pass out and have someone find her two hours later. but my mother's guilt overshadows my own ability to stick to my personal convictions and ideas about how things should be done. i think that i should stop answering her calls. at least, for a little while.

i feel like everyone is short with me. ah well, i can't say that i blame them...i'm feeling as though its hard to be around myself these days. with dustin getting another job and now working 16 hours a day, this solitary time will really allow me to think about the things that i need in my life, and maybe i'll just live up to that 'selfish' title that my mother gives me in ever passing breath in every conversation that she utters. i suppose that this entry shouldn't be completely about her...'you're so vain, you probably think this song is about you...' or something like that. carly simon had a gigantic mouth.

it's so hard to meet friends in this city. maybe i should just pick up another job. there's always mary kay!