i do not fit in a time constrained world
I was driving home today. I had the windows down, the air on a subtle level, and the music blarring...and such good tunes! and I had a moment....of complete panic. All of a sudden I realized that I would be home for good in a little under 2 weeks...i would go to work 5 days a week, wake up at 6:00 am, drive a half hour, work 8 hours, drive a half hour back, get home around 4, in time to lounge around, get tired and fall asleep...then waking up a few hours later being completely restless....gettin a combined total of 4 hours of sleep a night and starting my days all over. Plus, having to fall into a routine that i gave up 2 years ago when i came to school. I don't like these people anymore. I don't like to have pretend conversations with them. I don't even like to be drunk around them. My friends i miss dearly...everyone else...well i don't miss. I thought that i would be able to handle the 3 months no problem. I was looking forward to spending time with my friends, who i haven't spent more than a weekend with here and there in 2 years. I am so glad i had that panic attack today, because now there is NO WAY i am coming back home for the summer. I realize that campus housing is probably not gonna happen, and the chances of finding a job now are going to be slim to none, but i have hope! anything is better than the future that awaits me now. My mom was sad...and my friends were pissed, but my soul feels more at ease.
Needless to say, i'm at home right now. My brother is graduating tomorrow. What a load of crap high school graduation is. I can't beleive that 2 years ago I was in the same position. I remember everything being such a big deal then. I look at him and his friends and i can't help but think to myself "good god, you fuckers are so naive". I don't remember ever being that mindlessly consumed.
It is funny how much growing up one can do in a matter of months...or years...and how much growing "young" others can do in the same amount of time. It is absolutely crazy.
I got to jam tonight with one of my best friends. All through high school we would do chior stuff together...we were always at some random concert...or singing with people some where...but neither one of us really played guitar then. Not to mention she is a phenominal singer and for the most part i was embarrased to ever sing or play when she was around because i was so intimidated. I knew how to play a few chords, but nothing that could be thrown together to even slightly resemble a recognizable tune...and tonight we tried playing. it was so fun. She's been so supportive of me lately...told me my voice has changed and she's so proud of me for acutally singing and playing in front of people...Tonight though she just baffled me. She played a song that she had written about our sunday drives...and the weekend/mid week nights at my house. And in such a simple way she summed up the entirity of our friendship...the 4 of us... I had tears in my eyes. I've decided the one thing that makes a great song a great song are the details in it. It's not the catchy tune or the rythmn...or even the few lines that rearrange the world for you in a way that you never thought of...it's the bit or randomness from some forgotten detail....i always thought that writing about specifics would throw people off and leave people without something to relate to, but for me, i guess, i relate more to the details...like mentioning the pop can...and the country roads...or the card games and the names to faces...it was perfect. the whole song was perfect.
I am so restless tonight. I want to be back at school in my featherbed with crusified jesus staring at me from behind/within the stained glass. It makes me sad that i hate being home so much. i hate making my mom so sad. she lives her life through me and it just breaks my heart. For now, i'm off to eat the lettuce-less big mac that is taunting me from the kitchen.
Needless to say, i'm at home right now. My brother is graduating tomorrow. What a load of crap high school graduation is. I can't beleive that 2 years ago I was in the same position. I remember everything being such a big deal then. I look at him and his friends and i can't help but think to myself "good god, you fuckers are so naive". I don't remember ever being that mindlessly consumed.
It is funny how much growing up one can do in a matter of months...or years...and how much growing "young" others can do in the same amount of time. It is absolutely crazy.
I got to jam tonight with one of my best friends. All through high school we would do chior stuff together...we were always at some random concert...or singing with people some where...but neither one of us really played guitar then. Not to mention she is a phenominal singer and for the most part i was embarrased to ever sing or play when she was around because i was so intimidated. I knew how to play a few chords, but nothing that could be thrown together to even slightly resemble a recognizable tune...and tonight we tried playing. it was so fun. She's been so supportive of me lately...told me my voice has changed and she's so proud of me for acutally singing and playing in front of people...Tonight though she just baffled me. She played a song that she had written about our sunday drives...and the weekend/mid week nights at my house. And in such a simple way she summed up the entirity of our friendship...the 4 of us... I had tears in my eyes. I've decided the one thing that makes a great song a great song are the details in it. It's not the catchy tune or the rythmn...or even the few lines that rearrange the world for you in a way that you never thought of...it's the bit or randomness from some forgotten detail....i always thought that writing about specifics would throw people off and leave people without something to relate to, but for me, i guess, i relate more to the details...like mentioning the pop can...and the country roads...or the card games and the names to faces...it was perfect. the whole song was perfect.
I am so restless tonight. I want to be back at school in my featherbed with crusified jesus staring at me from behind/within the stained glass. It makes me sad that i hate being home so much. i hate making my mom so sad. she lives her life through me and it just breaks my heart. For now, i'm off to eat the lettuce-less big mac that is taunting me from the kitchen.