there's another option
i felt pretty strongly about what i said in the entry before this one, but i was overconfident owing to a couple different factors
for one, i wanted to get it out there. the topic was introduced to my self-concerned thinking a good number of years ago, but faded into the background with time. it was a non-concern, until maybe half, no more than a year ago, when my way of thinking was augmented, i started to find a new way of being, and conducting myself, and found some videos about it scrolling through my home page on Youtube. that lasted long enough to be a curiosity, because i could see more parallels between the disorder and myself than before. what's more, i was experiencing some pretty significant burnout at the time, both at and outside of work, and discovered its autistic context poking around online. i chose to be aware of but be highly cautious of any self-relevant thoughts stemming from the Youtube videos, because i didn't want to be externally influenced, i didn't feel particularly autistic, and the similarities i was noticing could just as well be attributed to other causes. separately, i figured that i didn't need to be autistic to suffer from burnout, and worked to figure out what was going on in my mind, and what i could do about it. things were quiet for a while after that, and i didn't think about the idea at all, but then it started coming back again, no more than a month ago, when i started to notice, and pay attention to how i conduct myself relative to others both at and outside work. the notion was unpleasant, and not comfortable at first, probably owing to past experiences. writing about it was supposed to act as a way of overcoming that hurdle, and it has, but i think i might have sprained something
for two, i got way too swept up between the absolute synchronicity between my character in that story and me with my audio recorder IRL. it's honestly both eerie and uncanny that it's turned out this way, but it seemed so significant until i wrote that entry, and got over it. maybe it's all for real, and there really is something to the similarity, but i could just as well say i'm making an mountain out of a mole hill, and it is what it is. without knowing, it's as much as i need it to be, and the rest is a work in progress
it could be autism, but it could also be Schizoid Personality Disorder, which i have considerable familiarity with as a result of trying to self-diagnose back when i was still living with Mom and Dad. mind you, to ask "which one is it?" belies an answer, which lies in opinion, which is subjective, and as such cannot be absolute. there's comorbidity between the two, according to the internet. i spent most of my lunch break Wednesday night looking around and reading online. i don't know. i don't know why i need to know, either. it's an ego concern. in theory, settling one way or the other could provide a solid foundation to maybe build confidence on. all the same, isn't it just as valid to look at this as a challenge from life, and work to overcome the uncertainty? another question, another non-absolute, but i like the latter more
the other thing that really complicates all of this is me. much of the way i am around others is the same as before, but i understand what i'm doing more than before. i act in ways that mirror autistic traits, but my actions are intentional, backed up by being able to explain myself if misunderstood. me now feeling like an improvement on me before, what connection does that have to autism? what are the chances i was masking all the time before but didn't know any better? what if i mask alot of the time now without being aware because i've become so used to it? what if i'm being presumptive by implying that individuals with autism are not calculated and intentional in their conduct?
it's a tired topic and then some already. Wednesday at work was probably my most manic shift at Sobeys, because i was in deep, and all the thoughts were filling my mind. i had to go for ~20 minutes of quiet, meditative time in the bedroom, and completely skipped having a shower, because all i could feel standing looking out into the living room at home was an overwhelming "something is wrong"
time, distance, and maybe more writing if i feel my mind start to fill up again. for now, i want some sort of snack, and other episode of Star Trek: Lower Decks
until next time-
for one, i wanted to get it out there. the topic was introduced to my self-concerned thinking a good number of years ago, but faded into the background with time. it was a non-concern, until maybe half, no more than a year ago, when my way of thinking was augmented, i started to find a new way of being, and conducting myself, and found some videos about it scrolling through my home page on Youtube. that lasted long enough to be a curiosity, because i could see more parallels between the disorder and myself than before. what's more, i was experiencing some pretty significant burnout at the time, both at and outside of work, and discovered its autistic context poking around online. i chose to be aware of but be highly cautious of any self-relevant thoughts stemming from the Youtube videos, because i didn't want to be externally influenced, i didn't feel particularly autistic, and the similarities i was noticing could just as well be attributed to other causes. separately, i figured that i didn't need to be autistic to suffer from burnout, and worked to figure out what was going on in my mind, and what i could do about it. things were quiet for a while after that, and i didn't think about the idea at all, but then it started coming back again, no more than a month ago, when i started to notice, and pay attention to how i conduct myself relative to others both at and outside work. the notion was unpleasant, and not comfortable at first, probably owing to past experiences. writing about it was supposed to act as a way of overcoming that hurdle, and it has, but i think i might have sprained something
for two, i got way too swept up between the absolute synchronicity between my character in that story and me with my audio recorder IRL. it's honestly both eerie and uncanny that it's turned out this way, but it seemed so significant until i wrote that entry, and got over it. maybe it's all for real, and there really is something to the similarity, but i could just as well say i'm making an mountain out of a mole hill, and it is what it is. without knowing, it's as much as i need it to be, and the rest is a work in progress
it could be autism, but it could also be Schizoid Personality Disorder, which i have considerable familiarity with as a result of trying to self-diagnose back when i was still living with Mom and Dad. mind you, to ask "which one is it?" belies an answer, which lies in opinion, which is subjective, and as such cannot be absolute. there's comorbidity between the two, according to the internet. i spent most of my lunch break Wednesday night looking around and reading online. i don't know. i don't know why i need to know, either. it's an ego concern. in theory, settling one way or the other could provide a solid foundation to maybe build confidence on. all the same, isn't it just as valid to look at this as a challenge from life, and work to overcome the uncertainty? another question, another non-absolute, but i like the latter more
the other thing that really complicates all of this is me. much of the way i am around others is the same as before, but i understand what i'm doing more than before. i act in ways that mirror autistic traits, but my actions are intentional, backed up by being able to explain myself if misunderstood. me now feeling like an improvement on me before, what connection does that have to autism? what are the chances i was masking all the time before but didn't know any better? what if i mask alot of the time now without being aware because i've become so used to it? what if i'm being presumptive by implying that individuals with autism are not calculated and intentional in their conduct?
it's a tired topic and then some already. Wednesday at work was probably my most manic shift at Sobeys, because i was in deep, and all the thoughts were filling my mind. i had to go for ~20 minutes of quiet, meditative time in the bedroom, and completely skipped having a shower, because all i could feel standing looking out into the living room at home was an overwhelming "something is wrong"
time, distance, and maybe more writing if i feel my mind start to fill up again. for now, i want some sort of snack, and other episode of Star Trek: Lower Decks
until next time-