letter to Magnus [TR, item]
[The letter is one of several handwritten letters to Magnus, Henry, Kate, and his friend Danny from college, folded up in a sealed, unaddressed envelope of Sanctuary letterhead. The letter normally resides in Will's bottom desk drawer in his office at the Sanctuary and is only supposed to be opened in the event of his death. TR Will hadn't told anyone about the existence of these letters, since he only reveals it to Kate in 3.01.]
Magnus,
If you're reading this letter, it means that I'm gone. I hope that whatever happened, it was quick and hopefully not pointless.
I'm pretty sure you'll be the one finding these letters. Cleaning out my desk seems like the kind of job you'd rather do yourself than leave to anyone else to take care of. If you are, I hope you'll give the others to Henry, Kate, and my friend Danny. I think you'll remember him from the incident he and I were involved with, with the Cabal. Given the way work has been going lately, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to do something like this, just in case. I don't have a will, because what do I have to give away? Just my thoughts, so, there are letters.
But this letter is for you.
I guess I'm being kind of selfish in writing this, since it leaves you with some things that you can't respond to--hell, you might not even want to know them, I guess, and here I am dumping them on you while I'm off in a cornfield somewhere--but I feel like I have to put them somewhere. The idea of not ever being able to tell you these things is a little depressing, and I want to put them down on paper... just so you know.
We made a great team. Working at the Sanctuary has been... I can't even tell you what an honor it's been to work with you. Would it be melodramatic to say that you saved my life? I don't mean when I was eight, although you really did save my life then. I mean later, when you asked me to come and work for you. I had kind of a pointless life then. No, really. Professionally, I wasn't going anywhere, and personally, well, that wasn't much better. I was wasting my time in a job where I couldn't do anything, and then you came along and showed me what I was really capable of. And I can't thank you enough for that. The things we've done, the things I've been able to see that I never had before--I don't know how to tell you how much that's meant to me.
But somewhere along the line, you stopped being just my boss or my mentor. I'd like to think we became friends in the middle of all this, and I hope you at least feel the same way there. But it's more than that, and I guess this is where I get to the really selfish part, because I didn't have the guts to tell you this before. No, screw that--I probably had the guts to tell you, but I didn't have the guts to face what might happen later if you didn't feel the same way.
I love you.
You won't believe this, but it took me about fifteen minutes after writing that to decide what to write next. I guess I should explain why I never said it sooner, why I never told you to your face instead of sticking it in a letter that you'll only read if I'm dead, because this really is kind of the chickenshit option.
I never told you because... well, for one, you're my boss. And while I don't think you'd fire me for saying it, it would make our working relationship pretty weird if the feelings weren't mutual. It's mostly our friendship that I worried about, though. If it made you uncomfortable, or it didn't work out, and it ruined our friendship, it would be... [several words are scratched out and then covered over with white-out] I don't know. I just know that I never wanted that to happen, so I never told you. Being your friend, someone you could count on, someone you knew was listening to you without trying to undermine you or steal your position or sabotage you in some way--I thought maybe you needed that more than you needed an employee getting starry eyed on you. There are so many people who depend on you, I just wanted to be the person that you could depend on when you needed it, without my feelings getting in the way and messing things up.
Like I said, maybe I shouldn't have told you that. If you're reading this, it means I'm gone, so I've dropped this on you at a pretty crappy time. And I'm sorry for that. I know you've lost a lot of people in your life, and I'm not going to be arrogant enough to assume that I'm one of the ones you'll miss the most, since relatively speaking you haven't known me that long. But part of me wants to make sure you know what an impact you had on my life, how you've changed me for the better...and, selfishly, to know what my feelings for you really were.
You asked me once to always be honest with you, and in everything else, I've always done that. I hope you can forgive me for not being completely honest about this before now.
Take care of yourself, Magnus. You're an incredible person on so many levels, with so much more still left to give.
Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore
Will
Magnus,
If you're reading this letter, it means that I'm gone. I hope that whatever happened, it was quick and hopefully not pointless.
I'm pretty sure you'll be the one finding these letters. Cleaning out my desk seems like the kind of job you'd rather do yourself than leave to anyone else to take care of. If you are, I hope you'll give the others to Henry, Kate, and my friend Danny. I think you'll remember him from the incident he and I were involved with, with the Cabal. Given the way work has been going lately, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to do something like this, just in case. I don't have a will, because what do I have to give away? Just my thoughts, so, there are letters.
But this letter is for you.
I guess I'm being kind of selfish in writing this, since it leaves you with some things that you can't respond to--hell, you might not even want to know them, I guess, and here I am dumping them on you while I'm off in a cornfield somewhere--but I feel like I have to put them somewhere. The idea of not ever being able to tell you these things is a little depressing, and I want to put them down on paper... just so you know.
We made a great team. Working at the Sanctuary has been... I can't even tell you what an honor it's been to work with you. Would it be melodramatic to say that you saved my life? I don't mean when I was eight, although you really did save my life then. I mean later, when you asked me to come and work for you. I had kind of a pointless life then. No, really. Professionally, I wasn't going anywhere, and personally, well, that wasn't much better. I was wasting my time in a job where I couldn't do anything, and then you came along and showed me what I was really capable of. And I can't thank you enough for that. The things we've done, the things I've been able to see that I never had before--I don't know how to tell you how much that's meant to me.
But somewhere along the line, you stopped being just my boss or my mentor. I'd like to think we became friends in the middle of all this, and I hope you at least feel the same way there. But it's more than that, and I guess this is where I get to the really selfish part, because I didn't have the guts to tell you this before. No, screw that--I probably had the guts to tell you, but I didn't have the guts to face what might happen later if you didn't feel the same way.
I love you.
You won't believe this, but it took me about fifteen minutes after writing that to decide what to write next. I guess I should explain why I never said it sooner, why I never told you to your face instead of sticking it in a letter that you'll only read if I'm dead, because this really is kind of the chickenshit option.
I never told you because... well, for one, you're my boss. And while I don't think you'd fire me for saying it, it would make our working relationship pretty weird if the feelings weren't mutual. It's mostly our friendship that I worried about, though. If it made you uncomfortable, or it didn't work out, and it ruined our friendship, it would be... [several words are scratched out and then covered over with white-out] I don't know. I just know that I never wanted that to happen, so I never told you. Being your friend, someone you could count on, someone you knew was listening to you without trying to undermine you or steal your position or sabotage you in some way--I thought maybe you needed that more than you needed an employee getting starry eyed on you. There are so many people who depend on you, I just wanted to be the person that you could depend on when you needed it, without my feelings getting in the way and messing things up.
Like I said, maybe I shouldn't have told you that. If you're reading this, it means I'm gone, so I've dropped this on you at a pretty crappy time. And I'm sorry for that. I know you've lost a lot of people in your life, and I'm not going to be arrogant enough to assume that I'm one of the ones you'll miss the most, since relatively speaking you haven't known me that long. But part of me wants to make sure you know what an impact you had on my life, how you've changed me for the better...and, selfishly, to know what my feelings for you really were.
You asked me once to always be honest with you, and in everything else, I've always done that. I hope you can forgive me for not being completely honest about this before now.
Take care of yourself, Magnus. You're an incredible person on so many levels, with so much more still left to give.
Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore
Will