If you'd call me now, baby then I'd come a-running
In seeking advice and counsel from all sides, I've come to realize that in my post-breakup period, I'm more or less alright. I've made my peace with all my friends that I was in conflict and did ask for further insight into my current state of affairs.
It's been pretty unanimously decided that Josh is mostly in the wrong. And before I go any further, I know that its your friends' duty to side with you by default, but I do think that from a completely objective standpoint, all arrows point to me being the victim. Not that this is cause to celebrate, mind you. I'll be the first to admit that I had more than just a hand at fucking things up in the relationship, but at least they're understandable. Devon told me that yes, though I was clingy, it wasn't without cause. Josh wasn't all that attentive, so I had to wrest any attention/affection from him like a wild beast going for the marrow of a bone. Of course these very actions did paradoxically drive the poor confused child away.
I even perused my copy of Gay Astrology to seek advice from the ancient and wise stars. Here are some excerpts from the "Breaking Up" section for Sagittarius (Josh's sign):
-+>Sagittarius can overlook any sin except the attempt to control him.
-+>The harder you try to hold on to Mr. Horseyman the more he will pull away.
-+>[To avoid Sagittarius's wrath,] Tell him it was not his pomposity that tore the two of you apart. Nor was it his immaturity. Nor his irresponsibility. Nor the broken promises. Nor his self-involvement. Nor was it his concern for all people who were not his lover, at the expense of the one man who was.
That last line, especially the bolded/italicized/underlined part is the most bitter of taste he's left in my mouth.
I don't know. I wish I could say that he hasn't tried talking to me because he's still dealing with things on his own, but I know him better than that. He's forgotten about me and is living like he's never lived before. Nevermind the fact that he promised we'd be friends still.
Skylar (Steven's boyfriend), told me that he was in a similar situation, so he knows exactly how it is. He and Steven provided very useful and understanding advice.
I don't want to keep dwelling and pining over someone who I don't feel is worth it. I kept wondering why it was that I couldn't bring myself to fully move on. Apparently it's because I don't feel like I'm enough with out him or someone there. I find completion through being involved with another person. That's why I was so blissfully happy when I was with Josh, despite the bad parts that should've served as warning markers. It also is because he IS my first and I DO still care for him because of that. (even though he doesn't deserve anymore of my affection). It's the most confounding thing, it really is. I can't come to cast him into an oblivion of hate. It might make me think about him a lot less, but I don't want to hate someone I KNOW to be essentially good, just immature right now in his life.
Hell, even the limited advice I got from Matt has aided me a bit. His longest relationship made mine look like a birthday party. Yet, despite the dysfunctions, he still cares for the guy and it took him about the same amount of time the relationship lasted to be able to fully move on (which was about six months - more or less the same duration as mine).
What it all comes down to, I think, is loving myself more. I haven't ever been one to be completely (or even mostly) satisfied with myself as a whole. Lack positive reinforcement growing up and negative socialization has served to skew my self-esteem/worth/confidence.
This is why I've been working (mostly) hard at improving my health. I need to improve my physical state of well-being so I can be more satisfied with my appearance, which in turn will positively affect my sense of self.
Admitting it however, is always much more easier for me than actually doing it.
{To be there...}
It's been pretty unanimously decided that Josh is mostly in the wrong. And before I go any further, I know that its your friends' duty to side with you by default, but I do think that from a completely objective standpoint, all arrows point to me being the victim. Not that this is cause to celebrate, mind you. I'll be the first to admit that I had more than just a hand at fucking things up in the relationship, but at least they're understandable. Devon told me that yes, though I was clingy, it wasn't without cause. Josh wasn't all that attentive, so I had to wrest any attention/affection from him like a wild beast going for the marrow of a bone. Of course these very actions did paradoxically drive the poor confused child away.
I even perused my copy of Gay Astrology to seek advice from the ancient and wise stars. Here are some excerpts from the "Breaking Up" section for Sagittarius (Josh's sign):
-+>Sagittarius can overlook any sin except the attempt to control him.
-+>The harder you try to hold on to Mr. Horseyman the more he will pull away.
-+>[To avoid Sagittarius's wrath,] Tell him it was not his pomposity that tore the two of you apart. Nor was it his immaturity. Nor his irresponsibility. Nor the broken promises. Nor his self-involvement. Nor was it his concern for all people who were not his lover, at the expense of the one man who was.
That last line, especially the bolded/italicized/underlined part is the most bitter of taste he's left in my mouth.
I don't know. I wish I could say that he hasn't tried talking to me because he's still dealing with things on his own, but I know him better than that. He's forgotten about me and is living like he's never lived before. Nevermind the fact that he promised we'd be friends still.
Skylar (Steven's boyfriend), told me that he was in a similar situation, so he knows exactly how it is. He and Steven provided very useful and understanding advice.
I don't want to keep dwelling and pining over someone who I don't feel is worth it. I kept wondering why it was that I couldn't bring myself to fully move on. Apparently it's because I don't feel like I'm enough with out him or someone there. I find completion through being involved with another person. That's why I was so blissfully happy when I was with Josh, despite the bad parts that should've served as warning markers. It also is because he IS my first and I DO still care for him because of that. (even though he doesn't deserve anymore of my affection). It's the most confounding thing, it really is. I can't come to cast him into an oblivion of hate. It might make me think about him a lot less, but I don't want to hate someone I KNOW to be essentially good, just immature right now in his life.
Hell, even the limited advice I got from Matt has aided me a bit. His longest relationship made mine look like a birthday party. Yet, despite the dysfunctions, he still cares for the guy and it took him about the same amount of time the relationship lasted to be able to fully move on (which was about six months - more or less the same duration as mine).
What it all comes down to, I think, is loving myself more. I haven't ever been one to be completely (or even mostly) satisfied with myself as a whole. Lack positive reinforcement growing up and negative socialization has served to skew my self-esteem/worth/confidence.
This is why I've been working (mostly) hard at improving my health. I need to improve my physical state of well-being so I can be more satisfied with my appearance, which in turn will positively affect my sense of self.
Admitting it however, is always much more easier for me than actually doing it.
{To be there...}