hatred.
anorexia was so much easier.
id focus on how to avoid food, feel empowered when i did and watch the numbers drop.
and thats it. sure the starving hurt, but it was better than emotional pain.
bulimia is a whole different story.
of both physical and emotional pain.
which lasts longer this time around.
its only been a month, and ive fallen into addiction.
the stupid thing is, i know exactly what im doing.
i know what im doing when im going back to the cupboard for more. i know im not hungry. i know im using food to deal with my emotions.
i know how the binge purge cycle works. i know this will end with my fingers down my throat.
when im over the toilet bowl, i know ill keep going until i get "enough" out. i know i wont get all of it out.
sometimes, i know it wont even work. that the dark bags on my eyes and bruised knuckes are for nothing.
i know the acid is the cause of the pain in my teeth, so i dont complain about it.
i know my oesophagus is hurt.
i know this will continue, that its addictive.
i know EXACTLY what ive done.
and i'll do it again, sometimes more than once in a day.
it's killing my boyfriend. he knows i do it.
he knows im destroying myself every day and he cant do anything about it.
i'm hurting him.
and im hurting my parents.
and im hurting myself.
im full as i write. i need a distraction. im trying to stop. to recover.
it's not easy.
i wish i never tried to recover from anorexia.
more so i wish i'd never developed it.
then i wouldnt be sitting here wanting to watch the food drop out of my mouth and all over my hands and look at my broken, battered face in the mirror and think "you're fucking pathetic".
thats what i am
im pathetic.
so pathetic that ill watch the blood drop out of my arm instead, and go to sleep as if it was a lullaby, singing, soothing me into slumber.
goodnight.
id focus on how to avoid food, feel empowered when i did and watch the numbers drop.
and thats it. sure the starving hurt, but it was better than emotional pain.
bulimia is a whole different story.
of both physical and emotional pain.
which lasts longer this time around.
its only been a month, and ive fallen into addiction.
the stupid thing is, i know exactly what im doing.
i know what im doing when im going back to the cupboard for more. i know im not hungry. i know im using food to deal with my emotions.
i know how the binge purge cycle works. i know this will end with my fingers down my throat.
when im over the toilet bowl, i know ill keep going until i get "enough" out. i know i wont get all of it out.
sometimes, i know it wont even work. that the dark bags on my eyes and bruised knuckes are for nothing.
i know the acid is the cause of the pain in my teeth, so i dont complain about it.
i know my oesophagus is hurt.
i know this will continue, that its addictive.
i know EXACTLY what ive done.
and i'll do it again, sometimes more than once in a day.
it's killing my boyfriend. he knows i do it.
he knows im destroying myself every day and he cant do anything about it.
i'm hurting him.
and im hurting my parents.
and im hurting myself.
im full as i write. i need a distraction. im trying to stop. to recover.
it's not easy.
i wish i never tried to recover from anorexia.
more so i wish i'd never developed it.
then i wouldnt be sitting here wanting to watch the food drop out of my mouth and all over my hands and look at my broken, battered face in the mirror and think "you're fucking pathetic".
thats what i am
im pathetic.
so pathetic that ill watch the blood drop out of my arm instead, and go to sleep as if it was a lullaby, singing, soothing me into slumber.
goodnight.