MY thoughts and MY feelings
There has been a lot weighing heavily on my mind and sadly, I feel the need to justify myself. But mainly I just need to vent.
I don't really know where to begin and there's really no proper introduction to this sort of thing. I want nothing but the truth. Thats all I look for in people, honesty. And I don't think I've been getting that.
If you are on my friends list its because I trust YOU. I trust you with my thoughts and my piccies. If you already happen to be friends with Brad, than I have heard good things about you and would like to take the time to get to know you. I am not using anyone to get to Brad(I don't think I could be any closer to this boy so why would I need you?? Lol) and I am not using Brad to get to any of you. Brad has no problem with me getting to know his friends(unless he is lying to my face lol) and has taken the time to get to know and befriend some of my closest friends. I'd like to do the same. No one is forcing you to be here or talk to me, so if there is some sort of problem than either talk to me about it like an adult or go away.
I am at a point in my life where I don't need any extra conflict. I am looking for people who are going to be real. I need true friends, not immature backstabbers who only come around when they need me. We're not in high school anymore. I want life to be good...I have tasted the sour for way too long and I am out to have a good time. I want to experience things I have never gotten to experience before and just live my life to the fullest.
This past year has been both the best & the worst for me. I got to experience true love, get engaged, move out...but I also got to experience real heartache, bills, family problems, and I got hit with many realizations. I wouldn't trade my relationship with Brad for anything, because without it neither of us would be where we are today. I hated who I became when we were together, though. That relationship was my life and I changed for the worst. I lost Morgan and it has taken me a long time to get where I am today. Relationships that aren't meant to be have no way of working themselves out and people should never have to changed or give things up. We both made mistakes and we were both in the wrong several times. There was a lot of miscommunication, not understanding the other, things given up, changes made, and we both acted selfishly.
To make something very clear, since it is being openly talked about, regarding the massage conflict. About a year ago Brad came to me letting me know he wanted to attend Ashmead. Our relationship was new and honestly, Brad has a past that at the time I was trying to work through. Relationships are built on trust and I was not at a point with him yet where I would feel comfortable with his daily proffession being to touch other people all day. Yes, it was selfish of me, but I was honest. After one conversation he told me many reasons why he felt massage wasn't for him and his interest in it was not brought up again. He soon began to talk about other careers he wanted to strive for and I listened and supported him. About a year later he sat down with me and said he had been harboring it the entire time and that he was going to enroll. I fully supported him and I know he will succeed. He has a gift and he is very talented with his hands. I know he will do very good with massage and I am behind him all the way. No, I wasn't a year ago for various reasons, but I also didn't know it was still an interest of his. It might have taken time for me to be comfortable with the idea, but he shouldn't have left it at that. He knows he was in the wrong for holding it in and lying about it, and I know I should have said yes and been the backbone of his dream. When I found out he has wanted to do this all along and that he has been holding it against me, I started crying. I felt horrible. I want nothing but happiness for that boy and I want him to follow his dreams and accomplish every goal he has...I am not here to hold him down or be unsupportive. He knows this now, but it still kills me.
Brad is my best friend and I love him unconditionally. There are and always will be times where we don't agree, need space, or just don't understand where the other is coming from. I know he has vented to people about me, and those people should not abuse his trust, but should also be aware that Brad is dramatic and it is temporary anger. If you are hearing his side, you must know there is another side, obviously, and I know that some of the people he has confided in take the worst information given to them and misjudge me. It is your decision what you do, but I do appreciate those who have taken the time to get to know me and come to me about certain matters to know the whole story. And trust me, if you know anything about me, know that I probably know more about you, but I let your actions towards me and the relationship that WE have make up my mind about you. But please do not try to control our relationship or abuse the information we entrust in you. The bond we have will not be broken by anyone or anything. It is amazing and irreplacible. We are at a very hard point in our relationship and its the point of moving on. It kills us to even think about the other dating someone else, but this painful process is a must and I look forward to the future where we can confide in each other about our relationships with other people. Yes we love each other, but yes we are both moving on. No one is leading anyone on and we are both aware that we are not getting back together. If I have piccies of him on my page, if I write about him in a blog, if I add comments to his page, blog or piccies, if I visit him at work, or if we hang out...it is because WE ARE BEST FRIENDS. It is not because I want him back or vice versus. It is not because I am obsessed with him or hung up on him. I love his company...I love what we have...I love the piccies we take. For the past year, despite other events, Brad has been my best friend, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my best memories, my comfort zone, my happiness, my family. That is not about to change.
I am also not here to steal him away from anyone or anything. He is a big boy and he can make decisions for himself. Just know the decisions he makes are his own. I never try to take time away from his daughter, family, friends, or from the time he spends working on his car or art, etc. I want him to be close to his family, they are the ones who will always be there. I would love to have a better relationship with his family and I enjoy spending time with Arlynn...if she is not included, it is not a decision made by me. And if you have read his blogs you are aware of his thoughts on this.Despite how he feels about Arlynn, I do hope that when he is ready they will have a good relationship. I do support that he is doing things for himself and I completely understand. He has been to hell and back and needs this. There is a lot to say about past events with family and what not, but none appropriate to rant and rave about on here. I love his art and I dig what he's doing to his car...he doesn't always make the best monetary decisions, but that is just Brad. I don't guilt trip him into anything and though my feelings get hurt sometimes, I don't pout to get my way. My shyness is all too often misunderstood and I just wanted to make it clear that Brad thinks for himself lol. Sad that I even have to make that point...
Life can be difficult beyond comprehension, but without the bitter the sweet ain't as sweet. I have had my fair share of difficulties...more than anyone I know who is my age. But I am not one to give up and life is too short to let things get to you or to harbor things. I know I am an understanding, open, caring, sweet person....often times Brad tells me I am too nice. And he is right, I get walked all over way too much. But I am a forgiving person and I am looking for the same kind of people to share my life with. If you have read this, I appreciate it tons. I'm sure this will ruffle someone's feather, but I hope that for some of you it is what you need to hear to stay or go. I just want to be understood and not misjudged...if you are not going to like me than I want it to be over something that happened between us....not because a relationship didn't work out. I truely hope that some of you will take the time to get to know me now.
Of course there is more on my mind...you can never get everything out right? But some things just take more time to put into words and I figure this is enough for now. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone has a good day.
I don't really know where to begin and there's really no proper introduction to this sort of thing. I want nothing but the truth. Thats all I look for in people, honesty. And I don't think I've been getting that.
If you are on my friends list its because I trust YOU. I trust you with my thoughts and my piccies. If you already happen to be friends with Brad, than I have heard good things about you and would like to take the time to get to know you. I am not using anyone to get to Brad(I don't think I could be any closer to this boy so why would I need you?? Lol) and I am not using Brad to get to any of you. Brad has no problem with me getting to know his friends(unless he is lying to my face lol) and has taken the time to get to know and befriend some of my closest friends. I'd like to do the same. No one is forcing you to be here or talk to me, so if there is some sort of problem than either talk to me about it like an adult or go away.
I am at a point in my life where I don't need any extra conflict. I am looking for people who are going to be real. I need true friends, not immature backstabbers who only come around when they need me. We're not in high school anymore. I want life to be good...I have tasted the sour for way too long and I am out to have a good time. I want to experience things I have never gotten to experience before and just live my life to the fullest.
This past year has been both the best & the worst for me. I got to experience true love, get engaged, move out...but I also got to experience real heartache, bills, family problems, and I got hit with many realizations. I wouldn't trade my relationship with Brad for anything, because without it neither of us would be where we are today. I hated who I became when we were together, though. That relationship was my life and I changed for the worst. I lost Morgan and it has taken me a long time to get where I am today. Relationships that aren't meant to be have no way of working themselves out and people should never have to changed or give things up. We both made mistakes and we were both in the wrong several times. There was a lot of miscommunication, not understanding the other, things given up, changes made, and we both acted selfishly.
To make something very clear, since it is being openly talked about, regarding the massage conflict. About a year ago Brad came to me letting me know he wanted to attend Ashmead. Our relationship was new and honestly, Brad has a past that at the time I was trying to work through. Relationships are built on trust and I was not at a point with him yet where I would feel comfortable with his daily proffession being to touch other people all day. Yes, it was selfish of me, but I was honest. After one conversation he told me many reasons why he felt massage wasn't for him and his interest in it was not brought up again. He soon began to talk about other careers he wanted to strive for and I listened and supported him. About a year later he sat down with me and said he had been harboring it the entire time and that he was going to enroll. I fully supported him and I know he will succeed. He has a gift and he is very talented with his hands. I know he will do very good with massage and I am behind him all the way. No, I wasn't a year ago for various reasons, but I also didn't know it was still an interest of his. It might have taken time for me to be comfortable with the idea, but he shouldn't have left it at that. He knows he was in the wrong for holding it in and lying about it, and I know I should have said yes and been the backbone of his dream. When I found out he has wanted to do this all along and that he has been holding it against me, I started crying. I felt horrible. I want nothing but happiness for that boy and I want him to follow his dreams and accomplish every goal he has...I am not here to hold him down or be unsupportive. He knows this now, but it still kills me.
Brad is my best friend and I love him unconditionally. There are and always will be times where we don't agree, need space, or just don't understand where the other is coming from. I know he has vented to people about me, and those people should not abuse his trust, but should also be aware that Brad is dramatic and it is temporary anger. If you are hearing his side, you must know there is another side, obviously, and I know that some of the people he has confided in take the worst information given to them and misjudge me. It is your decision what you do, but I do appreciate those who have taken the time to get to know me and come to me about certain matters to know the whole story. And trust me, if you know anything about me, know that I probably know more about you, but I let your actions towards me and the relationship that WE have make up my mind about you. But please do not try to control our relationship or abuse the information we entrust in you. The bond we have will not be broken by anyone or anything. It is amazing and irreplacible. We are at a very hard point in our relationship and its the point of moving on. It kills us to even think about the other dating someone else, but this painful process is a must and I look forward to the future where we can confide in each other about our relationships with other people. Yes we love each other, but yes we are both moving on. No one is leading anyone on and we are both aware that we are not getting back together. If I have piccies of him on my page, if I write about him in a blog, if I add comments to his page, blog or piccies, if I visit him at work, or if we hang out...it is because WE ARE BEST FRIENDS. It is not because I want him back or vice versus. It is not because I am obsessed with him or hung up on him. I love his company...I love what we have...I love the piccies we take. For the past year, despite other events, Brad has been my best friend, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my best memories, my comfort zone, my happiness, my family. That is not about to change.
I am also not here to steal him away from anyone or anything. He is a big boy and he can make decisions for himself. Just know the decisions he makes are his own. I never try to take time away from his daughter, family, friends, or from the time he spends working on his car or art, etc. I want him to be close to his family, they are the ones who will always be there. I would love to have a better relationship with his family and I enjoy spending time with Arlynn...if she is not included, it is not a decision made by me. And if you have read his blogs you are aware of his thoughts on this.Despite how he feels about Arlynn, I do hope that when he is ready they will have a good relationship. I do support that he is doing things for himself and I completely understand. He has been to hell and back and needs this. There is a lot to say about past events with family and what not, but none appropriate to rant and rave about on here. I love his art and I dig what he's doing to his car...he doesn't always make the best monetary decisions, but that is just Brad. I don't guilt trip him into anything and though my feelings get hurt sometimes, I don't pout to get my way. My shyness is all too often misunderstood and I just wanted to make it clear that Brad thinks for himself lol. Sad that I even have to make that point...
Life can be difficult beyond comprehension, but without the bitter the sweet ain't as sweet. I have had my fair share of difficulties...more than anyone I know who is my age. But I am not one to give up and life is too short to let things get to you or to harbor things. I know I am an understanding, open, caring, sweet person....often times Brad tells me I am too nice. And he is right, I get walked all over way too much. But I am a forgiving person and I am looking for the same kind of people to share my life with. If you have read this, I appreciate it tons. I'm sure this will ruffle someone's feather, but I hope that for some of you it is what you need to hear to stay or go. I just want to be understood and not misjudged...if you are not going to like me than I want it to be over something that happened between us....not because a relationship didn't work out. I truely hope that some of you will take the time to get to know me now.
Of course there is more on my mind...you can never get everything out right? But some things just take more time to put into words and I figure this is enough for now. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone has a good day.