Hollow
What is the difference between being a bad person and being a good person who does bad things? Are they one in the same, or is there no such thing as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and is everything we do simply just a decision? These are the questions that struck me as I was driving last Friday, so much so that I felt the need to pull over on the side of the highway and write my thoughts down on the nearest piece of paper, which happened to be a crinkled napkin. It was fleeting, but the questions themselves disturbed me, and have been something that I’ve wanted to write about, especially considering recent events that have occurred lately. Or rather, I should say one recent event that has shocked me to my core.
I say that I never regret any of the ‘bad’ things I have done in the past. I don’t even like to classify my actions in that way since I consider everything as a lesson learned. And I believe in the whole butterfly effect concept: if you go back and change something from your past, it affects not only your life but a whole chain of events in life, in general. Perhaps that is why we do not have that ability. It is too dangerous. But on some level, I think I am afraid to regret, afraid because it means having to justify myself and all of my actions that have led me to be the person I am today. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, though…
These thoughts hit me just as I have come into contact with someone that I have harbored so much anger towards for the past eight years. What do you do after receiving closure for something that happened in the past, when you receive an apology for someone else’s ‘bad’ decisions? This truly makes me question my stance on the issue. I am uncertain of how to move on after receiving a message from him saying that he knows how much he hurt me and he has realized this after all this time. “I have three girls now and I would hate for anyone to do to them what I did to you. I would kill someone if they ever laid a hand on my daughters. I hate what I did to you, and I wanted you to know that. And I’m sorry…” How am I supposed to react to that?
I’ve held so much anger and bitterness towards him even after all these years that reading his message spun me in an entirely new and confusing direction. He changed something in me eight years ago; he ruined something innocent and pure inside of me. I am unsure of how to move on from that, and yet I don’t feel any more anger towards him. I feel: relieved, tired, and there is almost a strange hollowness where the hurt used to reside. I can’t help but wonder where him and I would be had we both made different decisions.
I say that I never regret any of the ‘bad’ things I have done in the past. I don’t even like to classify my actions in that way since I consider everything as a lesson learned. And I believe in the whole butterfly effect concept: if you go back and change something from your past, it affects not only your life but a whole chain of events in life, in general. Perhaps that is why we do not have that ability. It is too dangerous. But on some level, I think I am afraid to regret, afraid because it means having to justify myself and all of my actions that have led me to be the person I am today. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, though…
These thoughts hit me just as I have come into contact with someone that I have harbored so much anger towards for the past eight years. What do you do after receiving closure for something that happened in the past, when you receive an apology for someone else’s ‘bad’ decisions? This truly makes me question my stance on the issue. I am uncertain of how to move on after receiving a message from him saying that he knows how much he hurt me and he has realized this after all this time. “I have three girls now and I would hate for anyone to do to them what I did to you. I would kill someone if they ever laid a hand on my daughters. I hate what I did to you, and I wanted you to know that. And I’m sorry…” How am I supposed to react to that?
I’ve held so much anger and bitterness towards him even after all these years that reading his message spun me in an entirely new and confusing direction. He changed something in me eight years ago; he ruined something innocent and pure inside of me. I am unsure of how to move on from that, and yet I don’t feel any more anger towards him. I feel: relieved, tired, and there is almost a strange hollowness where the hurt used to reside. I can’t help but wonder where him and I would be had we both made different decisions.