(no subject)
No one ever told me that greif and depression felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being midly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty.
There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside of me tries to assure me that I dont really mind so much. Love isnt the whole of my life. I was happy before I met him. People get over things...all the time. I shouldnt do so badly. I feel ashamed to listen to this voice, but it seems for a little to be making a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all of this "common Sense" vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.
Because of this, one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging in it--that disgusts me.
So its over. He broke up with me. amidst the tears and agony, I kind of feel relieved. I no longer have to wonder when he will do it anymore. He didnt break up with me because I was clingy or obsessed or anything like that. He couldnt take on the guilt of treating me badly anymore. He has treated me terribly for 2 months now, and in all of this I have tried to stay strong and be nice and sweet to him. THat made him feel even more guilty and there fore he couldnt take it anymore. My only question is...How is this going to make the guilt go away? Im not going to stop hurting...Im going to hurt more now than ever before. Im not going to stop loving him and wont stop. Maybe the relief for him comes with not feeling obligated to be nice to me. *although he hasnt been*. I dont know, but I dont feel like waking up anymore. Or eating. Or doing much of anything. 2 1/2 years were all just meaningless? So many broken promises.....I feel like Im going to vomit.
At other times it feels like being midly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty.
There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside of me tries to assure me that I dont really mind so much. Love isnt the whole of my life. I was happy before I met him. People get over things...all the time. I shouldnt do so badly. I feel ashamed to listen to this voice, but it seems for a little to be making a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all of this "common Sense" vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.
Because of this, one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging in it--that disgusts me.
So its over. He broke up with me. amidst the tears and agony, I kind of feel relieved. I no longer have to wonder when he will do it anymore. He didnt break up with me because I was clingy or obsessed or anything like that. He couldnt take on the guilt of treating me badly anymore. He has treated me terribly for 2 months now, and in all of this I have tried to stay strong and be nice and sweet to him. THat made him feel even more guilty and there fore he couldnt take it anymore. My only question is...How is this going to make the guilt go away? Im not going to stop hurting...Im going to hurt more now than ever before. Im not going to stop loving him and wont stop. Maybe the relief for him comes with not feeling obligated to be nice to me. *although he hasnt been*. I dont know, but I dont feel like waking up anymore. Or eating. Or doing much of anything. 2 1/2 years were all just meaningless? So many broken promises.....I feel like Im going to vomit.