a vision too removed to mention
i feel trapped. i feel like i'm stuck in a hole and that i can't get out. i hate my school and i hate it here in ohio. i'm so unhappy.
i got into a car "incident" yesterday coming back from penn state. my parents said i could go when i called them on firday. they weren't happy but they kenw i wanted to go. i had a great weekend. justin and i were in love and we almost had sex. like... he was kind of in me. an dhe as like "i don't feel comfortabel doing thisunless i put on a condom" and he was looking for a response for me to say "go get one" but i didn't, mostly becuase i dnd't know . i thougth he was saying he wasn't comfortable doing any of it. anyway about my car. i was supposed to leave at 10am and i called my dad at 10 and i was like dad the raods are really bad, can i please leave tomorrow because like they're going ot be bad, there's a snow storm coming through the entire area i'm supposed to driv ein but the roads say they're going ot be "good" which is the best they can be tomorrow. and he's like NO you wanted to go, we let you, come home. you're not skipping classes. so at 2 i go to my car with justin and we ksis for like 15 minutes and i cry becuase i realize i actually am in love with him again. i go to start my car and i realize i left a light on. my battery was dead and i had to jumpstart it. i was parked head in the spot in the parking garage so justin had to push my car out all by himself (!!!) and i had to steer and i had to ask random people to help us jump it. by the time i left it was like 315 or 330.
i'm driving home and i'm going fast the whole way becuase the roads are really not that bad at all. it starts to get dark and the roads are harder to see. people are going really slow in this one spot becuase there is a lot of ice and slush and snow on the ground. the speed limit is 65 but i'm doing like 75 i think. i'm int he left lane. i start to drift to the side but not even really at all. there is a median of grass about 20 feet wide and a small ditch with a hill that is bigger on the side closer to the oncoming traffic. like..i f i were to slide down the hill, i would go into the side of the road i was driving on. so like i'm driving or whatever and all of the sudden there is snow in my lane and my two left tires hit it and i lost complete control of my car. i don't relaly know what happened in the next 10 seconds but i know i spun around a lot like my car did like at least a 720. all i saw was spinning things and a wall of white. i slammed on my brakes and turned my wheela nd i lost all control. my car ended up spinning into the median with the back of the car turned around and up on the hill, almost into oncoming traffic. the head of my car was in the ditch at a like 40* angle to the ground. the first thing i said was "shit! i'm not going to get my car for this semester." then i called my mom and calmly told her what happened. she told me to call 911 so i did and i was just like hi um i'm on I-70 West and my car is in the median and i can't get it out. likt i'm not hurt i just need a tow truck. so i got out and looked at the damage and i didn't see that much except the underside of my car and my tires are flat. in my state of shock, i thought i could actually push the car with no traction and/or muscle strength the way that justin had earlier that day and i put my car in neutral and tried to push it but the front of the car was in the ditch like face down so itw wasn't going anywhere. i dont know hwta i was going to do with it even if i had gotten it out becuase it would have slid into oncoming traffing on I-70 west. but wahtever. so then a police officer comes and i sit in his car and he examines my car and like i forgot that i had nittany, the stuffed animal justin bought me, in the passenger in a seatbelt. so i think he thought i was a complete nutjob. but whatever. the cop and i made awkward conversation. the tow truck came and we figured out i had 2 flats and the exhaust was like bent and clogged and maybe the axle and maybe some other stuff but that it was running and i could drive it home so they towed it to a gas station and changed the flast and put air in my tires. there was a dog from the amish that i was petting while these men changed my tires and my toes became frostbitten. the cop was really nice and i was going like 10 below when i got back onto i-70 west to go home (i was about an hour and a hlf from my house and my dad was meetin gme so he could make sure i was ok) and like i pulled off when he did because my dad was ther and he thought i had a problem. the point is, he loved me. he was nice. and the tow truck guy was wearing jeans, boots, and a sweatshirt. it waslike -10 below and he was insane. and these giant black people were at the gas station and he said in this southern black accent to the tow truck guy, "hey yo, scuse me sir, do you know how change a ti'a?" and the guy's like um...yeah? and he's like will you change ours? ill pay choo. and he's like ok. so the black guy screams across the street to the other gas station where his car was parked and he's like "YO LOUISE! [[[and louise is this equally fat, doubley obnoxious black woman]]] I GOTS SOMEONE TO HELP US! HE SAID HE'LL CHANGE IT" and then he's like "wait.. how much do you charge?" and me nad the cop are cracking up.
when i got home, my mom flipped a shit on me and told me how i'm a failure and i'm depressed here in ohio and at school and that she wants me to transfer or drop out for a year and "take a year's break" and that like i'm revolving my life aroun djustin. and that we're being too drastic and "i don't know what i want becuase i'm only 19 years ol dna d how could i posisbly know what i want at that age?" even though like 5 year olds are able to know what htye want. so whatever. she was a huge huge hgue btich and they took away my car and are telin me i have to take out loans so i can pay for my whole college education by myself and saying tha ti have zero friends and i'mnot trying at all. and that my mom is not going to pay for something tha ti'm not completely happy with or something. and i'm like but mom like it's SUCH a good OT school and i'mnot staying for 7-8 years to get an OK degree when i could get a really really good one for 5.5 years at this school. i thin it's worth it to skip the college social thing and get a good degree because isn't that what i'm supposed to be at school for? and like yes, i would love to go to penn state. i feel lik ei kind of belong there whenever i go. it's so perfect, laur. i wish they had an OT program and that i could go there. i'm so happy when i'm there with justin and danny and just like being in the mountains there. it's so perfect. and all of the people god like i wish i went to a big school. i'm so unhappy here. but i know that it's a good education. my mom was saying how i'm going to get pregnant or somethign becuase justin's mom had hhis brother hwen she was young and she got married when she was young and stuff but like. itw as out of control. i really hate her right now. i can't stand her. she's seriosuly insane. like she was saying how basically justin's not good enough for me and that i'm too young to be committed and that i don't know what love is. or what i want. but she's insane. i don't want to eat anymore. i don't want to cut myself or anything i just want to live in my bed and sleep all of the time and hole myself up and not talk to anyone. i was so angry last night when i was talking to them, i thought about suicide. i wasn't going ot do it but it's the first time i've ever like had it cross my mind. i just wanted to hit something and make my hand break. i don't know. i just want to take oxycodiene for as long as possible. i'm like delerious i'm so tired. i'm interviewing and old guy tomorrow and i think i'm also sick. my nose is completely congested. i'm so dissatisfied like i'm just not happy. it's so hard to be happy. i feel trapped because they took away my one way to escape from here, my car. i'm never going to see justin. and i won't be able to see you guys until may. i'm so unhappy here and there's no way to fix it. happiness is nonexistant.
i got into a car "incident" yesterday coming back from penn state. my parents said i could go when i called them on firday. they weren't happy but they kenw i wanted to go. i had a great weekend. justin and i were in love and we almost had sex. like... he was kind of in me. an dhe as like "i don't feel comfortabel doing thisunless i put on a condom" and he was looking for a response for me to say "go get one" but i didn't, mostly becuase i dnd't know . i thougth he was saying he wasn't comfortable doing any of it. anyway about my car. i was supposed to leave at 10am and i called my dad at 10 and i was like dad the raods are really bad, can i please leave tomorrow because like they're going ot be bad, there's a snow storm coming through the entire area i'm supposed to driv ein but the roads say they're going ot be "good" which is the best they can be tomorrow. and he's like NO you wanted to go, we let you, come home. you're not skipping classes. so at 2 i go to my car with justin and we ksis for like 15 minutes and i cry becuase i realize i actually am in love with him again. i go to start my car and i realize i left a light on. my battery was dead and i had to jumpstart it. i was parked head in the spot in the parking garage so justin had to push my car out all by himself (!!!) and i had to steer and i had to ask random people to help us jump it. by the time i left it was like 315 or 330.
i'm driving home and i'm going fast the whole way becuase the roads are really not that bad at all. it starts to get dark and the roads are harder to see. people are going really slow in this one spot becuase there is a lot of ice and slush and snow on the ground. the speed limit is 65 but i'm doing like 75 i think. i'm int he left lane. i start to drift to the side but not even really at all. there is a median of grass about 20 feet wide and a small ditch with a hill that is bigger on the side closer to the oncoming traffic. like..i f i were to slide down the hill, i would go into the side of the road i was driving on. so like i'm driving or whatever and all of the sudden there is snow in my lane and my two left tires hit it and i lost complete control of my car. i don't relaly know what happened in the next 10 seconds but i know i spun around a lot like my car did like at least a 720. all i saw was spinning things and a wall of white. i slammed on my brakes and turned my wheela nd i lost all control. my car ended up spinning into the median with the back of the car turned around and up on the hill, almost into oncoming traffic. the head of my car was in the ditch at a like 40* angle to the ground. the first thing i said was "shit! i'm not going to get my car for this semester." then i called my mom and calmly told her what happened. she told me to call 911 so i did and i was just like hi um i'm on I-70 West and my car is in the median and i can't get it out. likt i'm not hurt i just need a tow truck. so i got out and looked at the damage and i didn't see that much except the underside of my car and my tires are flat. in my state of shock, i thought i could actually push the car with no traction and/or muscle strength the way that justin had earlier that day and i put my car in neutral and tried to push it but the front of the car was in the ditch like face down so itw wasn't going anywhere. i dont know hwta i was going to do with it even if i had gotten it out becuase it would have slid into oncoming traffing on I-70 west. but wahtever. so then a police officer comes and i sit in his car and he examines my car and like i forgot that i had nittany, the stuffed animal justin bought me, in the passenger in a seatbelt. so i think he thought i was a complete nutjob. but whatever. the cop and i made awkward conversation. the tow truck came and we figured out i had 2 flats and the exhaust was like bent and clogged and maybe the axle and maybe some other stuff but that it was running and i could drive it home so they towed it to a gas station and changed the flast and put air in my tires. there was a dog from the amish that i was petting while these men changed my tires and my toes became frostbitten. the cop was really nice and i was going like 10 below when i got back onto i-70 west to go home (i was about an hour and a hlf from my house and my dad was meetin gme so he could make sure i was ok) and like i pulled off when he did because my dad was ther and he thought i had a problem. the point is, he loved me. he was nice. and the tow truck guy was wearing jeans, boots, and a sweatshirt. it waslike -10 below and he was insane. and these giant black people were at the gas station and he said in this southern black accent to the tow truck guy, "hey yo, scuse me sir, do you know how change a ti'a?" and the guy's like um...yeah? and he's like will you change ours? ill pay choo. and he's like ok. so the black guy screams across the street to the other gas station where his car was parked and he's like "YO LOUISE! [[[and louise is this equally fat, doubley obnoxious black woman]]] I GOTS SOMEONE TO HELP US! HE SAID HE'LL CHANGE IT" and then he's like "wait.. how much do you charge?" and me nad the cop are cracking up.
when i got home, my mom flipped a shit on me and told me how i'm a failure and i'm depressed here in ohio and at school and that she wants me to transfer or drop out for a year and "take a year's break" and that like i'm revolving my life aroun djustin. and that we're being too drastic and "i don't know what i want becuase i'm only 19 years ol dna d how could i posisbly know what i want at that age?" even though like 5 year olds are able to know what htye want. so whatever. she was a huge huge hgue btich and they took away my car and are telin me i have to take out loans so i can pay for my whole college education by myself and saying tha ti have zero friends and i'mnot trying at all. and that my mom is not going to pay for something tha ti'm not completely happy with or something. and i'm like but mom like it's SUCH a good OT school and i'mnot staying for 7-8 years to get an OK degree when i could get a really really good one for 5.5 years at this school. i thin it's worth it to skip the college social thing and get a good degree because isn't that what i'm supposed to be at school for? and like yes, i would love to go to penn state. i feel lik ei kind of belong there whenever i go. it's so perfect, laur. i wish they had an OT program and that i could go there. i'm so happy when i'm there with justin and danny and just like being in the mountains there. it's so perfect. and all of the people god like i wish i went to a big school. i'm so unhappy here. but i know that it's a good education. my mom was saying how i'm going to get pregnant or somethign becuase justin's mom had hhis brother hwen she was young and she got married when she was young and stuff but like. itw as out of control. i really hate her right now. i can't stand her. she's seriosuly insane. like she was saying how basically justin's not good enough for me and that i'm too young to be committed and that i don't know what love is. or what i want. but she's insane. i don't want to eat anymore. i don't want to cut myself or anything i just want to live in my bed and sleep all of the time and hole myself up and not talk to anyone. i was so angry last night when i was talking to them, i thought about suicide. i wasn't going ot do it but it's the first time i've ever like had it cross my mind. i just wanted to hit something and make my hand break. i don't know. i just want to take oxycodiene for as long as possible. i'm like delerious i'm so tired. i'm interviewing and old guy tomorrow and i think i'm also sick. my nose is completely congested. i'm so dissatisfied like i'm just not happy. it's so hard to be happy. i feel trapped because they took away my one way to escape from here, my car. i'm never going to see justin. and i won't be able to see you guys until may. i'm so unhappy here and there's no way to fix it. happiness is nonexistant.