please, remember me, my misery; how it lost me all i wanted
i've been thinking a lot about danny. dan. verdel. him. i dont' know why. like i've been listening to trapeze swingers and i can't stop thinking about him. i think the song might be about reincarnation or like losing her somehow but like i can't stop thinking about all of the moments we were together and i can't figure out ifthey outweigh the time i've been with justin or not.it might just be because justin and i never get to see one another so i can't make moments with h im the way i could with danny. and also becuase dan and i were at such an innocent, happy time in our lives. and he's completely different, i know, but he's also kind of the same. i feel like we looked at one another when i went to penn state and we were both kind of drunk. but i'm not sure. i just don't know. like proabbly not at all. i think the whoel time i was with him, i was like justin and completely the ham and completely ready and into the relationship with him and that he was the chicken, the one always guesing what was happenign adn stuff. but he said to justin (justin told me this at my frist BADASS party over the summer when he was schwasted right after we had hooked up)that dan told him he said he was going to marry me. my mom also said over winter break how, if we had been older like 25, she would have signed the marriage/betrothel contract immediately. and that's how i felt. but then i think about how he stopped loving me. and i've been thinking that i might be doing that with justin? like yesterday i was completely in love with him and iobsesed with him and it's just been coming and going lately. ever since i went to visit him at penn state 2 weeks ago. becuase it just wasnt' perfect the way it had bene. it was too sexual. i dressed up in a little sexy number corset thing with heels and stuff and it wa sjust so sexual and not slow the way it had been. we were btoh greedy for it. ever since we basically broke up over christmas i haven't trusted him or something. i keep telling him i'm in love with im and i want to be with him and i do but i can't be with him and even if we were, i'm not sure what would happen. i'm also scared becuase the reason i wanted to be with him is because when we get older, he's going to be a mechanical engineer and he's going to provide for me and make a great father and draw me amazing pictures and do whatever i want to do. because i know we would be a good match but would it just be like that other guy from the notebook? the guy she was engaged to and not noah? becuase i knew when i was with danny that we could have done anything and gone anywhere and i would have had fun. when we were just swimming in my pool he was talking about mcgiver and telling jokes and we were just kissing. like i loved him so much. laura, i don't know what i'm thinking? i love justin, no? don't i? and i know that danny doesn't love me at all and that he's completely over me and has been for years. it's pointless to even think about. and even if in like 3 years we tried to date, we couldn't because justin is his best friend and also like WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS i'm with justina nd i love him. it's probably because justin told me he almost had sex with kristy (don't say anything because i don't think justin was supposed to say anything to me and i'm only writing this in here because this is my real real journal) but he got scared and said he didn't have any condoms, even though he did. but he said he's proabbly going to have sex with her the next time they're together, which is this weekend maybe i think but i'm not sure. and i shouldn't care! why do i care laura? i just always thought we would have sex together first. i almost wish we did junior year when we talked about it after 3 months. i'm glad i'm still a virgin now and i like being able to say that i am but i know that if i had sex with him, i wouldn't have regrets about us not being in love at the time. laura, i'm so scared. about something this stupid. this is ridiculous. i don't know what i'm thinking. i'm such an idiot. i'm holding onto something that does'nt exist. like it's just a memory. means so much to me, though. what am i doing with my life. i'm never hapyp with who i'm with, unless it's danny. i keep thinking about every moment we were together and the last week. it was my fault because i got drunk. my grandma died the thursday of the talent show and i gave blood friday. i was kind of off with jon but i'm not sure. and after the talent show, i made him kiss me, even though he was relaly liking supriya and talking to her a lot. and we talked outside and i just clung to him and i mad ehim kiss me and tell me that when he played everlong on the guitar, it was for me because it was our song. i think i was just clingy becuase i wanted to be held and wanted and loved. later that night, dan IMed me and said something like what do you think you're doing having jon keller play everlong when you know that was our song? and i just said well it's not like it meant anythign to you. and he said yes it did. actually, that might have happened saturday night. i think it did. wait so after the talent show, the next day after i gave blood, i just left school early and went home to go to new york for funeral arrangements and i dind't even say bye to jon i just texted him and i tol dhim i left. it was either that night or the next one, it hink it was saturday, justin, dan, and mike cunha went to penn state for the weekend to party with justin's brother and dan was really drunk. justin said he had a bottle of vodka in one hand, a shot glass on the ground, and the phone in his other hand. i had been drinking too (we're irish and german... we drink our sorrows away as a family). he said that stuff about the song and i don't really remmeber what he said. i might actually look that up becuase i probably wrote it iin this journal. actually..i think it was a word document and i changed computers since then. but yeah. we talked and i think he said he basically has feelings still or that he promised me that i meant so much to him and all of this stuff. i don't know. i don't remmeber that much but i do remmeber feeling completely comfortable and loved after that the next day. i went to my grandma's wake a day or 2 later and we were texting the whole time i was there. it was like 9pm and there was only an hour left of the wake or so and danny called and we talked for so so long. and we just talked about everything and wewere completely in love. at least i thought we were? it wa slike everything was rekindled. he was saying how he really wished he could be there with me and how he and his mom wanted to drive up to new york to be with me. the next day after the funeral, we went home and we were texting the whole time. i went to school the next day, tuesday, and we saw each other and talked a little and he said why don't you come over after school or something like that, like he was like do you want to hang out and i said and he said how about tuesday afternoon. so i went over and i was kind of nervous. i was wearing my favorite pair of jeans and my light green shirt. and coconut oil. he put on marroon five's acoustic album (we saw them in concer tgoether) and i twas weird at first, being together. like i sat on the bed but we didn't touch. he layed down and i didn't know how to handle the situation so i like asked him if i coudl lay down? i think. and then we were just staring into one another's eyes. and then we kissed and it was perfect. at first he kissed a littl efast because i think he's used to making out with girls really fast and just getting things over with. but then we got back into our original rhythm. and thne we were mkaing out and rubbing against one antoher like we were having sex and looking into one another's eyes like laura why am i even mentioning this. i'm so ashamed of myself. i love justin. right? the next day, or later that day, dan texted me and said "everything smells like you. and i'm confused as balls." we kissed in school for the first time in a year that firday and we held hands under the table during lunch. i just Imed dan. i'm just being stupid i think. i just wonder if i hadn't had been drunk that firday night and i hadn't have told him that i would give him anything he wanted, like that i woul dhave sex and stuff, if he would just stay with me and not cheat on me that he actually woudl have. i don't know. i don't even know why i'm thinking about this.
imthedeafone: danny, can i ask you a serious question
frisbeewithskill: yes ma'am
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
imthedeafone: without having you tell anyone, most especially justin?
frisbeewithskill: you got it
imthedeafone: you promise?
frisbeewithskill: i swear
imthedeafone: you know how you stopped being in love with me after like 6 months or wahtever? how did you know you stopped?
frisbeewithskill: i didnt?
frisbeewithskill: are you worried about justin?
imthedeafone: yes
imthedeafone: you didn't know you had stopped?
imthedeafone: until you like dated someone else or something?
frisbeewithskill: i didn't really just like stop, you know
frisbeewithskill: like...i regretted us breaking up after it happened
frisbeewithskill: i just wanted to see what else was going on
frisbeewithskill: i do not think justin is faltering
imthedeafone: butonce we had broken up it was too late to get back together because things were different?
imthedeafone: i know justin's not
frisbeewithskill: i didnt think things would be the same
frisbeewithskill: and they kinda weren't
frisbeewithskill: u know that
imthedeafone: i know they weren't
frisbeewithskill: basically i made a mistake and then didnt feel right trying to make it the same again
frisbeewithskill: it wasnt over like a week tho
imthedeafone: it wasn't over a week that it changed you mean
frisbeewithskill: yeah
frisbeewithskill: like no one moment was even the reason
imthedeafone: it was just an accumulation
imthedeafone: of all bad things?
frisbeewithskill: not of all bad things
frisbeewithskill: just of things that made me think i needed to try something else
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
frisbeewithskill: some of those things were good things
frisbeewithskill: its just the way they turned out and the way i thought about things
imthedeafone: and you were happier once you tried them?
frisbeewithskill: no
imthedeafone: but you're happier now
frisbeewithskill: ive had 1 relationship other than ours that was even close to as good as us "in our prime" lol
frisbeewithskill: i dunno
frisbeewithskill: its hard to compare
frisbeewithskill: im alot older now
frisbeewithskill: im shitty at looking ahead
imthedeafone: did you ever like question whether we were in love? even at the end
imthedeafone: liek you did right
frisbeewithskill: yes i guess so
frisbeewithskill: id say yeah. def. question
imthedeafone: ok
imthedeafone: i think i'm you in me and justin's relationship
imthedeafone: or just overthinking
frisbeewithskill: well...i havent been around you enough to see how you act
frisbeewithskill: and yeah you might just be overthinking too
frisbeewithskill: hmm
frisbeewithskill: i dont know how much you can compare the relationships tho...cuz i saw you every day and stuf
imthedeafone: i know, that's what im' thinking too. like with you, i made so many good memories becuase i got to see you but i don't get that with justin
imthedeafone: it's just because the last time we were together, i'm not sure it was there anymore
imthedeafone: except when we went ice skating
frisbeewithskill: when i see you guys you seem fine
frisbeewithskill: and you talk like you've known each other forever on the fone
imthedeafone: yeah i know all of this
frisbeewithskill: a weird part of you guys is that you both go to parties where you both get drunk and stuff...509202943 miles away
frisbeewithskill: its what happens in college
frisbeewithskill: and justin loves you, but he still dances with girls and stuff
frisbeewithskill: and there is NO WAY you dont do the same
imthedeafone: i actaully do not dance with boys
frisbeewithskill: oh. oops.
frisbeewithskill: well...its group dancing
frisbeewithskill: but...im talking like minor flirting
imthedeafone: haha, my ass it is
frisbeewithskill: he might be the only boy in the group...but....
frisbeewithskill: yeah
imthedeafone: yeah
frisbeewithskill: he doesnt like get number or anything
frisbeewithskill: he is actually really good
frisbeewithskill: i am impressed
imthedeafone: yeah
imthedeafone: i dont know
frisbeewithskill: there is no way you dont flirt at all
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
frisbeewithskill: so that throws a major curveball
imthedeafone: the only person i've flirted with was chris
frisbeewithskill: well thats still one
frisbeewithskill: justin doesnt even really flirt with krista...the girl you hate
imthedeafone: i don't hate her
frisbeewithskill: we get annoyed at her all the time
frisbeewithskill: shutup you hate her
imthedeafone: i do not hate her
frisbeewithskill: yeah you do, but ok
frisbeewithskill: agree to disagree
imthedeafone: i just get frustrated because i can'tbe there to make sure he's not cheating on me
imthedeafone: like there's nothing i can do to be sure
imthedeafone: except trust
frisbeewithskill: well...it wouldnt be with krista lol
imthedeafone: oh that's comforting
frisbeewithskill: trust is big
frisbeewithskill: but also he knows you could prolly just ask me
imthedeafone: you would not tell me
frisbeewithskill: although im not sure id give him away lol
frisbeewithskill: yeah
imthedeafone: i know you wouldn't
imthedeafone: mostly becuase i know you're a compulsive liar
frisbeewithskill: but i will say that he hasnt done anything you wouldnt approve of yet
frisbeewithskill: hey. i will not be scolded during this convo lol.
imthedeafone: i'm not scolding
imthedeafone: just telling it like it is
frisbeewithskill: eh...everybody lies
imthedeafone: not as much as you
frisbeewithskill: not true
imthedeafone: well wahtever
frisbeewithskill: is there any reason you think your feeling have changed?
imthedeafone: well like just because since i've been to see him, and i've been talking to chris some but i don't even think i'd want to date chris at all, like he just kind of annoys me because he thinks he's so smart
frisbeewithskill: http://www.memorial.ecasd.k12.wi.us/Departments/LangArts/dnelson/12%20Ericsson%20The%20Ways%20We%20Lie%20Rev.%2012.05.pdf
frisbeewithskill: im smart and you dated me
frisbeewithskill: wait...o i understand
imthedeafone: no i only date smart boys.
imthedeafone: he's just like he's really intelligent but he makes sure everyone knows it
imthedeafone: and he only like talks ot me because i understand what he's saying but he puts other people down
imthedeafone: sometimes
imthedeafone: or like tries too hard to make me think he's smarter than he is
frisbeewithskill: make fun of his insecurities
frisbeewithskill: its fun and helpful
imthedeafone: that's bad, danny
frisbeewithskill: ok. well...you and chris doesnt matter at all really
imthedeafone: hahaha
imthedeafone: yeha
frisbeewithskill: trust me...he'll have sweaty hands and the whole thing will never work out
imthedeafone: i dont know, i know this isn't fair to justin, becuase we're so far away, but i've been comparing our relationships
imthedeafone: and like it's not fair to him because we're not together really
frisbeewithskill: but if he is willing to go with it then he is
frisbeewithskill: like...his brother didnt go to school with katy last year
frisbeewithskill: he sees her alot more, but not every day
imthedeafone: yeah but they saw each other like every weekend and also everyday during the summer and on breaks
frisbeewithskill: im going out with kristy and ill see her like once ever 2 weeks...and i have an attention span of like 40 seconds
imthedeafone: that's true
frisbeewithskill: and kristy lives in pittsburg
imthedeafone: taht's true
imthedeafone: but you are just starting to go out
frisbeewithskill: yeah, but we are gonna last more than a couple months i can tell already
frisbeewithskill: i feel like the ball is kinda in my court and i think it will work
frisbeewithskill: just like you kinda have to ball in your court
frisbeewithskill: its weird to be the stronger person in the relationship if there is an imbalance
frisbeewithskill: and its rare to find relationships where both people feel exactly the same all the time
imthedeafone: i know
imthedeafone: but i like it so much more when it's balanced
frisbeewithskill: obviously
frisbeewithskill: justin is callin you btw
frisbeewithskill: in like 2 seconds
frisbeewithskill: *ring ring*
imthedeafone: good call
imthedeafone: hahahahahahahhahahahhahahhaaahahhaahhahahahahhahahahhahahhahaha
imthedeafone: that's the funniest thing i've ever heard
imthedeafone: what a hypocrite! you're a hypocrite!
frisbeewithskill: hahahahhaha
imthedeafone: you really are
imthedeafone: wow you're such an asshole
frisbeewithskill: what ever do you mean?
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
imthedeafone: oh my god
imthedeafone: thank god we're not dating
imthedeafone: i would kill you
frisbeewithskill: haha yeah thank god
imthedeafone: hey what is that supposd to mean
imthedeafone: i'm a great girlfriend
frisbeewithskill: but you go out with my roommate
frisbeewithskill: it would be weird if i dated you 2
frisbeewithskill: thats it
frisbeewithskill: he's back in the room too
imthedeafone: please, i can handle 2 boys
frisbeewithskill: haha
frisbeewithskill: well i dunno what else to say to you
imthedeafone: i dont either. thank you for your help...er... for talking to me and not helping me at all hahahah
frisbeewithskill: well i dont freakin know what to do
frisbeewithskill: im in a weird position to help lol
imthedeafone: oh yeha i guess you are
frisbeewithskill: prolly the weirdest
frisbeewithskill: like...mark rielly might be a better call
frisbeewithskill: plus its all on you kid
imthedeafone: yeah
imthedeafone: i don't know
imthedeafone: thanks for talking to me about this anywya
imthedeafone: even though it's probably a little weird
imthedeafone: danny, can i ask you a serious question
frisbeewithskill: yes ma'am
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
imthedeafone: without having you tell anyone, most especially justin?
frisbeewithskill: you got it
imthedeafone: you promise?
frisbeewithskill: i swear
imthedeafone: you know how you stopped being in love with me after like 6 months or wahtever? how did you know you stopped?
frisbeewithskill: i didnt?
frisbeewithskill: are you worried about justin?
imthedeafone: yes
imthedeafone: you didn't know you had stopped?
imthedeafone: until you like dated someone else or something?
frisbeewithskill: i didn't really just like stop, you know
frisbeewithskill: like...i regretted us breaking up after it happened
frisbeewithskill: i just wanted to see what else was going on
frisbeewithskill: i do not think justin is faltering
imthedeafone: butonce we had broken up it was too late to get back together because things were different?
imthedeafone: i know justin's not
frisbeewithskill: i didnt think things would be the same
frisbeewithskill: and they kinda weren't
frisbeewithskill: u know that
imthedeafone: i know they weren't
frisbeewithskill: basically i made a mistake and then didnt feel right trying to make it the same again
frisbeewithskill: it wasnt over like a week tho
imthedeafone: it wasn't over a week that it changed you mean
frisbeewithskill: yeah
frisbeewithskill: like no one moment was even the reason
imthedeafone: it was just an accumulation
imthedeafone: of all bad things?
frisbeewithskill: not of all bad things
frisbeewithskill: just of things that made me think i needed to try something else
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
frisbeewithskill: some of those things were good things
frisbeewithskill: its just the way they turned out and the way i thought about things
imthedeafone: and you were happier once you tried them?
frisbeewithskill: no
imthedeafone: but you're happier now
frisbeewithskill: ive had 1 relationship other than ours that was even close to as good as us "in our prime" lol
frisbeewithskill: i dunno
frisbeewithskill: its hard to compare
frisbeewithskill: im alot older now
frisbeewithskill: im shitty at looking ahead
imthedeafone: did you ever like question whether we were in love? even at the end
imthedeafone: liek you did right
frisbeewithskill: yes i guess so
frisbeewithskill: id say yeah. def. question
imthedeafone: ok
imthedeafone: i think i'm you in me and justin's relationship
imthedeafone: or just overthinking
frisbeewithskill: well...i havent been around you enough to see how you act
frisbeewithskill: and yeah you might just be overthinking too
frisbeewithskill: hmm
frisbeewithskill: i dont know how much you can compare the relationships tho...cuz i saw you every day and stuf
imthedeafone: i know, that's what im' thinking too. like with you, i made so many good memories becuase i got to see you but i don't get that with justin
imthedeafone: it's just because the last time we were together, i'm not sure it was there anymore
imthedeafone: except when we went ice skating
frisbeewithskill: when i see you guys you seem fine
frisbeewithskill: and you talk like you've known each other forever on the fone
imthedeafone: yeah i know all of this
frisbeewithskill: a weird part of you guys is that you both go to parties where you both get drunk and stuff...509202943 miles away
frisbeewithskill: its what happens in college
frisbeewithskill: and justin loves you, but he still dances with girls and stuff
frisbeewithskill: and there is NO WAY you dont do the same
imthedeafone: i actaully do not dance with boys
frisbeewithskill: oh. oops.
frisbeewithskill: well...its group dancing
frisbeewithskill: but...im talking like minor flirting
imthedeafone: haha, my ass it is
frisbeewithskill: he might be the only boy in the group...but....
frisbeewithskill: yeah
imthedeafone: yeah
frisbeewithskill: he doesnt like get number or anything
frisbeewithskill: he is actually really good
frisbeewithskill: i am impressed
imthedeafone: yeah
imthedeafone: i dont know
frisbeewithskill: there is no way you dont flirt at all
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
frisbeewithskill: so that throws a major curveball
imthedeafone: the only person i've flirted with was chris
frisbeewithskill: well thats still one
frisbeewithskill: justin doesnt even really flirt with krista...the girl you hate
imthedeafone: i don't hate her
frisbeewithskill: we get annoyed at her all the time
frisbeewithskill: shutup you hate her
imthedeafone: i do not hate her
frisbeewithskill: yeah you do, but ok
frisbeewithskill: agree to disagree
imthedeafone: i just get frustrated because i can'tbe there to make sure he's not cheating on me
imthedeafone: like there's nothing i can do to be sure
imthedeafone: except trust
frisbeewithskill: well...it wouldnt be with krista lol
imthedeafone: oh that's comforting
frisbeewithskill: trust is big
frisbeewithskill: but also he knows you could prolly just ask me
imthedeafone: you would not tell me
frisbeewithskill: although im not sure id give him away lol
frisbeewithskill: yeah
imthedeafone: i know you wouldn't
imthedeafone: mostly becuase i know you're a compulsive liar
frisbeewithskill: but i will say that he hasnt done anything you wouldnt approve of yet
frisbeewithskill: hey. i will not be scolded during this convo lol.
imthedeafone: i'm not scolding
imthedeafone: just telling it like it is
frisbeewithskill: eh...everybody lies
imthedeafone: not as much as you
frisbeewithskill: not true
imthedeafone: well wahtever
frisbeewithskill: is there any reason you think your feeling have changed?
imthedeafone: well like just because since i've been to see him, and i've been talking to chris some but i don't even think i'd want to date chris at all, like he just kind of annoys me because he thinks he's so smart
frisbeewithskill: http://www.memorial.ecasd.k12.wi.us/Departments/LangArts/dnelson/12%20Ericsson%20The%20Ways%20We%20Lie%20Rev.%2012.05.pdf
frisbeewithskill: im smart and you dated me
frisbeewithskill: wait...o i understand
imthedeafone: no i only date smart boys.
imthedeafone: he's just like he's really intelligent but he makes sure everyone knows it
imthedeafone: and he only like talks ot me because i understand what he's saying but he puts other people down
imthedeafone: sometimes
imthedeafone: or like tries too hard to make me think he's smarter than he is
frisbeewithskill: make fun of his insecurities
frisbeewithskill: its fun and helpful
imthedeafone: that's bad, danny
frisbeewithskill: ok. well...you and chris doesnt matter at all really
imthedeafone: hahaha
imthedeafone: yeha
frisbeewithskill: trust me...he'll have sweaty hands and the whole thing will never work out
imthedeafone: i dont know, i know this isn't fair to justin, becuase we're so far away, but i've been comparing our relationships
imthedeafone: and like it's not fair to him because we're not together really
frisbeewithskill: but if he is willing to go with it then he is
frisbeewithskill: like...his brother didnt go to school with katy last year
frisbeewithskill: he sees her alot more, but not every day
imthedeafone: yeah but they saw each other like every weekend and also everyday during the summer and on breaks
frisbeewithskill: im going out with kristy and ill see her like once ever 2 weeks...and i have an attention span of like 40 seconds
imthedeafone: that's true
frisbeewithskill: and kristy lives in pittsburg
imthedeafone: taht's true
imthedeafone: but you are just starting to go out
frisbeewithskill: yeah, but we are gonna last more than a couple months i can tell already
frisbeewithskill: i feel like the ball is kinda in my court and i think it will work
frisbeewithskill: just like you kinda have to ball in your court
frisbeewithskill: its weird to be the stronger person in the relationship if there is an imbalance
frisbeewithskill: and its rare to find relationships where both people feel exactly the same all the time
imthedeafone: i know
imthedeafone: but i like it so much more when it's balanced
frisbeewithskill: obviously
frisbeewithskill: justin is callin you btw
frisbeewithskill: in like 2 seconds
frisbeewithskill: *ring ring*
imthedeafone: good call
imthedeafone: hahahahahahahhahahahhahahhaaahahhaahhahahahahhahahahhahahhahaha
imthedeafone: that's the funniest thing i've ever heard
imthedeafone: what a hypocrite! you're a hypocrite!
frisbeewithskill: hahahahhaha
imthedeafone: you really are
imthedeafone: wow you're such an asshole
frisbeewithskill: what ever do you mean?
Auto response from imthedeafone: studying anatomy for the rest of my life
imthedeafone: oh my god
imthedeafone: thank god we're not dating
imthedeafone: i would kill you
frisbeewithskill: haha yeah thank god
imthedeafone: hey what is that supposd to mean
imthedeafone: i'm a great girlfriend
frisbeewithskill: but you go out with my roommate
frisbeewithskill: it would be weird if i dated you 2
frisbeewithskill: thats it
frisbeewithskill: he's back in the room too
imthedeafone: please, i can handle 2 boys
frisbeewithskill: haha
frisbeewithskill: well i dunno what else to say to you
imthedeafone: i dont either. thank you for your help...er... for talking to me and not helping me at all hahahah
frisbeewithskill: well i dont freakin know what to do
frisbeewithskill: im in a weird position to help lol
imthedeafone: oh yeha i guess you are
frisbeewithskill: prolly the weirdest
frisbeewithskill: like...mark rielly might be a better call
frisbeewithskill: plus its all on you kid
imthedeafone: yeah
imthedeafone: i don't know
imthedeafone: thanks for talking to me about this anywya
imthedeafone: even though it's probably a little weird