please, remember me, my misery. and how it lost me all i wanted.
i'm insane right now. and i have been for like 2 weeks. i took a badass trip to penn state last weekend in a snowstorm. it was insane. i'm eating blasted goldfish and i want to be drunk. that's bad. but it's what i want. but i don't think i can for several reasons. 1) i took 2 xanax so i would stop freaking out about the amount of anatomy exams thsi week that i ahve not started to study for. 2) maria wil walk in and know i am a complete alcoholic. she doesn't even like to keep alcohol inthe room and i have a 12 pack in the fridge, an unopened bottle of smirnoff apple vodka, 3/4 bottle of 99 apples schnapps, an empty bottle of sour apple puckers (drink of choice mixed with vodka for obvious reason) and half a handle of cheap vodka that we mixed with sour apple puckers. oops. i am my old roommate. my B.
i'm seriosuly contemplating mixing like a shot or two actualy i think it's only one shot with sprite. but i already took the things. so like i can't. but i wnated to drink the 3 cold beers in the fridge. i didn't htink i was feeling anythign wtih those things the pills but then justin called and i was like goofy not goofy just slurry and he was like are you drunk? and i was like WHAT NO!? because i'm not. which is really funny. and i took those with my birth control. did i tell you i went ot planned parenthood by myself and got lost in the ghetto? i got mad at justin because i calle dhim and i was like justin i'm lost in the ghetto. and he goes "i don't know what to tell you." so i hung up on him. becuase he could have looked up directions for me and helped me but he jjust didn't. so then i called chris and i was like please help. and he did. he looked it up and led me in the right direction and stayed on the phone with me until i got into the building. becuase there were a shitload of protestors out there with like daed fetuses on posters and stuff. it was weird. so he made sure i got in safe and then made me call him when i was leaving to make sure i was ok. and justin i got mad at becuase i was doing it for US like the two of us so we could have sex and stuff maybe in a little while. the thing is, i LOVE saying i'm a virgin to people. like when they talk about how many times they've had sex and stuf fi'm just like oh no, i'm still a virgin and stuff. but iknow that if i ahd sex ith justin it would be out of love i think. except i was confused about the wwo of us in the past week or so. i felt underappreciated and he didn't do little things for me like he used to like leave me nice messages and sned me cards and stuff like that. but now he's trying really really hard because he knows i've been hanging out with chris burch a lot and he doesn't want to lose me
i just get confused because i'm like well maybe i should just date other boys and be free and be able to do whatever the heck i want. like i defintely don't want to lose him but when i go out at night, i feel lik ei want to just kiss another boy and stuff. but i did on friday and afterwards, the next day, i found out he kisses a different girl at every party. he's dan verdel basically. and i don't wantt htat at all. i just want all boys to love me mayeb i think. like i like playing games with chris burch's head i think because like i don tknow. i like when he's infatuated with me and won'tn stop doing nice thigns for me. i dont know. why ami a slut?
that girl that i said is just like you, sam. she's so cool. she's like a super hippie and she places soccer for xavier but she's acomplete alcoholic and hooks up with a different boy every weekend. like boys she doesn't even remmeber and she has a serious boyfriend. and if he found out she like sat on another boy's lap, he would break up with her. and she's like i haven't had sex with another boy but i do a lot with them. which is kind of what i do kind of sometimes. like chris and i obvisouly didn't have sex but like i don tknow. also she does cocaine. and gets in trouble a lot. and is on probation right now because she got caught drinking underage and i think her BAC was like .37 or something really high like that. like it was ridiculous. at .45, you can do surgery with no local anesthetic. which is insane. so she's a super hippie and has indian cloths like me all over her room and wears really weird/cool clothes. like SEH HAS SO MANY COOL CLOTHES. she's amazing. but really nice. she's in the substance free wing of our dorm too. isn't that hilaroius? and when she has one on one meetings with her coaches, she drinks for 3 hours before she has to meet with them. she's so funny. and we connect and she telsl me all about her sexual experiences over the weekend and asksm e about me and justin and the weekend i saw him, she asked about it all and stuff. it's nice. she said there's never been a boy she hasn't cheated on multiple times. i think that's the same as me. except dan verdel. he was the one boy i ever loved enough not to hurt. but then i got hurt. liek let's think about this. when i was with john grelis (not reall but he loved me and i loved him but i loved him like he was my best friend) i cheated on him with his best friend. i kissed him. and he ended up seeing me kiss him. and it was a horrible horrible experience. and then i went out with dan russo sophomoreyear and i didn't kiss anyone but i was in lvoe with chris arcari. so then tom rankin i was in love with chris arcari the entire time we were dating. like i was in love with him and i only liked tom and i didn't like the way he kissed me at all. and then tom and i either broke up thursday of carnival or didn't i dontn remember but we hadn't talked in a week and then i madeout with dan russoa nd i was holding his hand and stuff. and then dan moyer liked me and we were hanging out on his roof with dan russo too under a blanket and i was touching dan russo's penis under the blanket. like wow. i'm such a slut. and then i went out with danny. dan. "verdel". and i never looked at another boy really. like i just didn't like them. i only wanted danny. so then dan kind of cheated on me (not really) but he was talking to and liking other girls when we were going out. and so um then i ddn't kiss anyone for like 8 months. i kissed mike cunha twice. then i went out with jon keller. i liked him for a good month and a half. and then icheated on him on our kairos with dan verdel. and i never really loved jon so i guess that is considered cheating too. and then when my grandma died, i talked to dan verdel and not to him. and then dan and i went out and i hated all boys for a long time. and now i'm going out with justin but i cheated on him with chris. and maybe kissed boys when i was drunk. i really suck. i'm a huge huge slut. an undercover slut. sometimes with justin, i just want to go out and party and be single and hook up with whomeever i want and sleep wherever i want. but i knw if i don't do taht then things will be good with us. i'mjust dan verdel right now. looking to be single and have fun while i can. and not be in a serious relaiotnhips. i don't know.
whatever. two good songs: iron & wine -- trapeze swingers......jose gonzales--heartbeats
i miss you. and i miss joe pratico a lot, really. justin brought him up today. i just miss him so much. my throat hurts. i'm wondering if i don't have strep. like it's been hurting for the past couple of days. but that could just be from somethign else. i dont know what. i just don't know.
one night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away
both under influence
we had devine scent
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then relief
ten days of perfect tunes
the colors red and blue
we had a promise made
we were in love
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
and you, you knew the hands of the devil
and you, kept us awake with wolf teeths
sharing different heartbeats
in one night
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
ok i'm not high really but i like how the hgih icon guy has red eyes and no other face has any color except him. also. justin and i kind of had sex almost. like don't tell any one esp lauramcwilliam and molly and jess and christina please. like please don't. but we were trying ona condom. we had both had 3 killians each but like we hadn't eaten in 8 hours. and i had driven 8 hours. so like i dontknow it hit is kind of hard. so then we were just i dont know. we tried on a condom to see if we knew how to do it because justin doesn't have a father figure to show him how to do thigns like that. but my parents have been telling me since i was little. so i was kind of drunk when we did this but i put the condom on. at first i started unrolling it the wrong way but then we fixed it. and then i made him put it in me really. like just to see how it felt. and it was weird like he put it in put them i dont knwo. so then we stopped because niether of us were ready for sex exactly we just got caught up. and we were both nervous becuase we only had a condom and no birth control. i'm sorry this is so long you proably won't read it all. but that's that. we are proabbly going to have sex in 2 weeks when i see him. maube. becuase like there has been several nights wheen it was PERFECT. like the tim ehe came 13 hours to visit me and that friday. it was so perfect. we both were thinking "this is what it's supposed to be like when you have sex." but obvisouly netiher of us were ready adn stuff. so i dontt know. anyway i'm exhausted i' think i'm goign to sleep for a littlew hile. too bad i have a shitload of anatomy to do. everyone else stayed in all weekend and studied it themselves and sutff and i most defintely did not do that. so i'm goign to study or sleep. but i love you. if you read this, thank you. if not, i understand.
i'm seriosuly contemplating mixing like a shot or two actualy i think it's only one shot with sprite. but i already took the things. so like i can't. but i wnated to drink the 3 cold beers in the fridge. i didn't htink i was feeling anythign wtih those things the pills but then justin called and i was like goofy not goofy just slurry and he was like are you drunk? and i was like WHAT NO!? because i'm not. which is really funny. and i took those with my birth control. did i tell you i went ot planned parenthood by myself and got lost in the ghetto? i got mad at justin because i calle dhim and i was like justin i'm lost in the ghetto. and he goes "i don't know what to tell you." so i hung up on him. becuase he could have looked up directions for me and helped me but he jjust didn't. so then i called chris and i was like please help. and he did. he looked it up and led me in the right direction and stayed on the phone with me until i got into the building. becuase there were a shitload of protestors out there with like daed fetuses on posters and stuff. it was weird. so he made sure i got in safe and then made me call him when i was leaving to make sure i was ok. and justin i got mad at becuase i was doing it for US like the two of us so we could have sex and stuff maybe in a little while. the thing is, i LOVE saying i'm a virgin to people. like when they talk about how many times they've had sex and stuf fi'm just like oh no, i'm still a virgin and stuff. but iknow that if i ahd sex ith justin it would be out of love i think. except i was confused about the wwo of us in the past week or so. i felt underappreciated and he didn't do little things for me like he used to like leave me nice messages and sned me cards and stuff like that. but now he's trying really really hard because he knows i've been hanging out with chris burch a lot and he doesn't want to lose me
i just get confused because i'm like well maybe i should just date other boys and be free and be able to do whatever the heck i want. like i defintely don't want to lose him but when i go out at night, i feel lik ei want to just kiss another boy and stuff. but i did on friday and afterwards, the next day, i found out he kisses a different girl at every party. he's dan verdel basically. and i don't wantt htat at all. i just want all boys to love me mayeb i think. like i like playing games with chris burch's head i think because like i don tknow. i like when he's infatuated with me and won'tn stop doing nice thigns for me. i dont know. why ami a slut?
that girl that i said is just like you, sam. she's so cool. she's like a super hippie and she places soccer for xavier but she's acomplete alcoholic and hooks up with a different boy every weekend. like boys she doesn't even remmeber and she has a serious boyfriend. and if he found out she like sat on another boy's lap, he would break up with her. and she's like i haven't had sex with another boy but i do a lot with them. which is kind of what i do kind of sometimes. like chris and i obvisouly didn't have sex but like i don tknow. also she does cocaine. and gets in trouble a lot. and is on probation right now because she got caught drinking underage and i think her BAC was like .37 or something really high like that. like it was ridiculous. at .45, you can do surgery with no local anesthetic. which is insane. so she's a super hippie and has indian cloths like me all over her room and wears really weird/cool clothes. like SEH HAS SO MANY COOL CLOTHES. she's amazing. but really nice. she's in the substance free wing of our dorm too. isn't that hilaroius? and when she has one on one meetings with her coaches, she drinks for 3 hours before she has to meet with them. she's so funny. and we connect and she telsl me all about her sexual experiences over the weekend and asksm e about me and justin and the weekend i saw him, she asked about it all and stuff. it's nice. she said there's never been a boy she hasn't cheated on multiple times. i think that's the same as me. except dan verdel. he was the one boy i ever loved enough not to hurt. but then i got hurt. liek let's think about this. when i was with john grelis (not reall but he loved me and i loved him but i loved him like he was my best friend) i cheated on him with his best friend. i kissed him. and he ended up seeing me kiss him. and it was a horrible horrible experience. and then i went out with dan russo sophomoreyear and i didn't kiss anyone but i was in lvoe with chris arcari. so then tom rankin i was in love with chris arcari the entire time we were dating. like i was in love with him and i only liked tom and i didn't like the way he kissed me at all. and then tom and i either broke up thursday of carnival or didn't i dontn remember but we hadn't talked in a week and then i madeout with dan russoa nd i was holding his hand and stuff. and then dan moyer liked me and we were hanging out on his roof with dan russo too under a blanket and i was touching dan russo's penis under the blanket. like wow. i'm such a slut. and then i went out with danny. dan. "verdel". and i never looked at another boy really. like i just didn't like them. i only wanted danny. so then dan kind of cheated on me (not really) but he was talking to and liking other girls when we were going out. and so um then i ddn't kiss anyone for like 8 months. i kissed mike cunha twice. then i went out with jon keller. i liked him for a good month and a half. and then icheated on him on our kairos with dan verdel. and i never really loved jon so i guess that is considered cheating too. and then when my grandma died, i talked to dan verdel and not to him. and then dan and i went out and i hated all boys for a long time. and now i'm going out with justin but i cheated on him with chris. and maybe kissed boys when i was drunk. i really suck. i'm a huge huge slut. an undercover slut. sometimes with justin, i just want to go out and party and be single and hook up with whomeever i want and sleep wherever i want. but i knw if i don't do taht then things will be good with us. i'mjust dan verdel right now. looking to be single and have fun while i can. and not be in a serious relaiotnhips. i don't know.
whatever. two good songs: iron & wine -- trapeze swingers......jose gonzales--heartbeats
i miss you. and i miss joe pratico a lot, really. justin brought him up today. i just miss him so much. my throat hurts. i'm wondering if i don't have strep. like it's been hurting for the past couple of days. but that could just be from somethign else. i dont know what. i just don't know.
one night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away
both under influence
we had devine scent
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then relief
ten days of perfect tunes
the colors red and blue
we had a promise made
we were in love
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
and you, you knew the hands of the devil
and you, kept us awake with wolf teeths
sharing different heartbeats
in one night
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no
ok i'm not high really but i like how the hgih icon guy has red eyes and no other face has any color except him. also. justin and i kind of had sex almost. like don't tell any one esp lauramcwilliam and molly and jess and christina please. like please don't. but we were trying ona condom. we had both had 3 killians each but like we hadn't eaten in 8 hours. and i had driven 8 hours. so like i dontknow it hit is kind of hard. so then we were just i dont know. we tried on a condom to see if we knew how to do it because justin doesn't have a father figure to show him how to do thigns like that. but my parents have been telling me since i was little. so i was kind of drunk when we did this but i put the condom on. at first i started unrolling it the wrong way but then we fixed it. and then i made him put it in me really. like just to see how it felt. and it was weird like he put it in put them i dont knwo. so then we stopped because niether of us were ready for sex exactly we just got caught up. and we were both nervous becuase we only had a condom and no birth control. i'm sorry this is so long you proably won't read it all. but that's that. we are proabbly going to have sex in 2 weeks when i see him. maube. becuase like there has been several nights wheen it was PERFECT. like the tim ehe came 13 hours to visit me and that friday. it was so perfect. we both were thinking "this is what it's supposed to be like when you have sex." but obvisouly netiher of us were ready adn stuff. so i dontt know. anyway i'm exhausted i' think i'm goign to sleep for a littlew hile. too bad i have a shitload of anatomy to do. everyone else stayed in all weekend and studied it themselves and sutff and i most defintely did not do that. so i'm goign to study or sleep. but i love you. if you read this, thank you. if not, i understand.