(no subject)
"I have moments when I want to eat junk food. When I want to hop into my car and go to Taco Bell. When I want to say, "Fuck being thin. I give up." When I want to say, "I won't gain if I eat this tiny little cookie." But ana and mia keep me in line...
Especially ana.
And it's like this whole succession when I misbehave... Ana is my front-line troop, and mia is my reinforcements...
It's always the same.
I go to the pantry, and I stand in front of it.
"I'm hungry."
"No, you're fat. You don't want that disgusting food. You'll put back on what you lost."
I either walk away or I give in and open the door... I hold the package of whatever up to my nose, and I smell it deeply. If I can't smell it, I normally put it back. But if I can, I look at the back of the package and notice the calories.
"That crap will make you fat. Put it down and walk away. You know it will just trigger a binge. You fat cow, stop it now!"
"Maybe I can just have a bite."
I either walk away, or I continue on... I open the package. I take a bite.
"STOP!"
"I'll spit it out."
But I don't normally. One that first bite is taken, normally I'm done for. I proceed to wolf it down like I was starving, and I wash it down with something besides water... Never water because if I'm going to binge, I might as well enjoy every taste I can.
I continue on, letting myself eat whatever looks or smells appealing. I don't look at calories anymore. There is no more contemplation or caution. I devour whatever I want. I don't stop.
Then the fuller I get, the more aware I become of what I'm doing. And at some point I stop.
Then ana speaks up again.
"See what you did? How do you feel about your fat self now?"
Panic. I freak out. I calculate calories, I shake, I want to cry. I run to the scale, I calculate. I panic.
Then mia speaks to me, "Have a glass of water, and I'll take care of you. We'll make it all better."
So I do. I slowly sip my water. I push on my stomach to mush the food around. I jump around a bit. I slowly walk to the bathroom and pull my hair back. I fill a glass with water for after. I reach into my drawer for my "finger substitute," and I plop myself in front of my toilet, and I purge. Over and over. Until I don't feel anything in my stomach anymore.
Until I feel like myself again.
Then I rinse out my mouth, wash my hands, wipe my eyes, brush my teeth, and fix my hair.
"See? Don't you feel better?"
"You shouldn't do that anymore."
"I know... I'm trying."
And sometimes ana convinces me to not eat... Sometimes I listen to her and I know she's right and I do as she says... And sometimes I have to go with mia.
I just never go with the hunger... Because though he sounds promising... I know he'll break my heart. And that he can't give me what I REALLY want."
--from plum girl's website
Especially ana.
And it's like this whole succession when I misbehave... Ana is my front-line troop, and mia is my reinforcements...
It's always the same.
I go to the pantry, and I stand in front of it.
"I'm hungry."
"No, you're fat. You don't want that disgusting food. You'll put back on what you lost."
I either walk away or I give in and open the door... I hold the package of whatever up to my nose, and I smell it deeply. If I can't smell it, I normally put it back. But if I can, I look at the back of the package and notice the calories.
"That crap will make you fat. Put it down and walk away. You know it will just trigger a binge. You fat cow, stop it now!"
"Maybe I can just have a bite."
I either walk away, or I continue on... I open the package. I take a bite.
"STOP!"
"I'll spit it out."
But I don't normally. One that first bite is taken, normally I'm done for. I proceed to wolf it down like I was starving, and I wash it down with something besides water... Never water because if I'm going to binge, I might as well enjoy every taste I can.
I continue on, letting myself eat whatever looks or smells appealing. I don't look at calories anymore. There is no more contemplation or caution. I devour whatever I want. I don't stop.
Then the fuller I get, the more aware I become of what I'm doing. And at some point I stop.
Then ana speaks up again.
"See what you did? How do you feel about your fat self now?"
Panic. I freak out. I calculate calories, I shake, I want to cry. I run to the scale, I calculate. I panic.
Then mia speaks to me, "Have a glass of water, and I'll take care of you. We'll make it all better."
So I do. I slowly sip my water. I push on my stomach to mush the food around. I jump around a bit. I slowly walk to the bathroom and pull my hair back. I fill a glass with water for after. I reach into my drawer for my "finger substitute," and I plop myself in front of my toilet, and I purge. Over and over. Until I don't feel anything in my stomach anymore.
Until I feel like myself again.
Then I rinse out my mouth, wash my hands, wipe my eyes, brush my teeth, and fix my hair.
"See? Don't you feel better?"
"You shouldn't do that anymore."
"I know... I'm trying."
And sometimes ana convinces me to not eat... Sometimes I listen to her and I know she's right and I do as she says... And sometimes I have to go with mia.
I just never go with the hunger... Because though he sounds promising... I know he'll break my heart. And that he can't give me what I REALLY want."
--from plum girl's website