marya hornbacher
"i'm trying to be perfect, and the smallest failure -- say i don't wash a dish -- becomes cause for rage at myself for being such a fucking waste of space. i work too much, sleep too little, shop compulsively, and i'm dizzy with grief. i swing from elation at my new life to despair at what i've lost and hatred of who i was. so i race away from all of that, convince myself everything is wonderful, block the world with obsessions, manic activity, long days of work, and shopping. i fixate on things. and one of the things i fixate on is food.
i suppose it had to happen sometime. recovery from an eating disorder is usually provisional -- most of us who do recover still have it lurking somewhere in the back of our minds. it lives there quietly for years. but if the pressure is enough, it comes out. we fall back on it. it is as old and familiar as a longtime lover. we aren't afraid of it. it stills our thoughts. we know it. when we are at points in our lives where we know little else, the eating disorder is our long-lost oldest friend."
madness, page 225
i suppose it had to happen sometime. recovery from an eating disorder is usually provisional -- most of us who do recover still have it lurking somewhere in the back of our minds. it lives there quietly for years. but if the pressure is enough, it comes out. we fall back on it. it is as old and familiar as a longtime lover. we aren't afraid of it. it stills our thoughts. we know it. when we are at points in our lives where we know little else, the eating disorder is our long-lost oldest friend."
madness, page 225