I can almost breathe the air- right beyond my fingertips....
Woke up before sunrise, today. No real surprise there. Sat outisde with the cat for a bit. He has a tendency to just sit next to me and flick his tail, -staring- at me like "What the fuck are we doing?"
I didn't bother trying to go back to bed, this time. But, I'm doing better, at least - it was pretty cool outside, so maybe the fever is gone. I managed to go without coughing once all day... And I seem to be rid of the headaches, too. So, I really only have to worry about that whole- waking up randomly in the middle of the night thing.
At least I wake up, I'd rather that than... thrashing around in my sleep.
I slept in until 5:30, today. That at least seems like a bit of an accomplishment, right?
See? No big deal. I don't need to be rushed off to any hospital, really.
I went home and got Den around lunchtime, brought him to the park for a little while. It was a pleasant change that none of the little kids around me were asking their parents what kind of dog my -cat- is. I'm thinking I'll start bringing Den along more often...
I still can't shake this feeling that- something's wrong.
And I just -can't- place what it is.
Going into work this week oughtta be interesting.
This is the last week of this torture, right?
I have...
I don't want you- to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you- to feel sorry for me
I never gave us a chance to be...
And I don't need you- to be by my side
To tell me, that everything's alright
I just wanted you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you--
......
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Did I do enough, to show you that I
Was willing to give, and sacrifice-?
-but you were the one, who was lifting me up
When I thought my life had had enough...
And when I got close, you turned away
There's nothing that I could do or say-
So now I need you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you.
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, (is it me?) is it you? (is it you?)
Nothing that, (nothing that) I can do (I can do)
To make you, (to make you...) change your mind
(so why-) Is it me, (do you-) is it you? (run away?)
Nothing that, (won't you tell me?) I can do
(why) Is it a, (do you) waste of time? (run away?)
Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that, I can do-
To make you, change your mind - No!
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away? (what is it, I have to say-)
So why are you running away? (to make you admit, you're afraid)
Why are you running away?
stuck in my head.
I wish it would stop.
They're not so bad, you know. Just filter in with everything else... It's just a way of life, actually. Something I've come to accept- awhile ago.
Things that happened, things that -could- have happened, things that didn't happen.
It's strange coming to the realization 'hey wait, I don't have to -worry- about that, anymore.'
It sure makes the panic end faster, once it's over.
Even the things that I did right, few and far between as they might be. It's all there, -they're- all there - ever since the day we.... found her lying on the floor. They've only gotten worse, since- but I've gotten better at adjusting after. With time, whatever new thing there is to add.... Is just another one on the list.
and so that's just one more thing to mix in with the rest of them.
Everything, in past years, that I've had to deal with....
You learn to get over it all eventually, you know?
It's no big deal.
I better bring Den home, before it gets any later.
--7:32
Random musing while walking Den home.
Denial is often-times stemmed by want.
The desire to -have- something in your life, that isn't there.
Or- to find evidence of an existance lacking that you -don't- want present.
So, why is it that I know - having no real inclination in either direction - something in my brain is clearly -refusing- to acknowledge the mere possibility--
It's as if, of its own accord, it's decided.
"I'm not, I can't possibly be-"
but it occured to me, walking down the street tonight and musing to myself that the road is still warm from a sun that's setting earlier each day-
"... I am."
and I'm not really sure when it happened... but, it's been like this for awhile now.
I just kinda- wish I'd known sooner, is all.
I didn't bother trying to go back to bed, this time. But, I'm doing better, at least - it was pretty cool outside, so maybe the fever is gone. I managed to go without coughing once all day... And I seem to be rid of the headaches, too. So, I really only have to worry about that whole- waking up randomly in the middle of the night thing.
At least I wake up, I'd rather that than... thrashing around in my sleep.
I slept in until 5:30, today. That at least seems like a bit of an accomplishment, right?
See? No big deal. I don't need to be rushed off to any hospital, really.
I went home and got Den around lunchtime, brought him to the park for a little while. It was a pleasant change that none of the little kids around me were asking their parents what kind of dog my -cat- is. I'm thinking I'll start bringing Den along more often...
I still can't shake this feeling that- something's wrong.
And I just -can't- place what it is.
Going into work this week oughtta be interesting.
This is the last week of this torture, right?
I have...
I don't want you- to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you- to feel sorry for me
I never gave us a chance to be...
And I don't need you- to be by my side
To tell me, that everything's alright
I just wanted you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you--
......
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Did I do enough, to show you that I
Was willing to give, and sacrifice-?
-but you were the one, who was lifting me up
When I thought my life had had enough...
And when I got close, you turned away
There's nothing that I could do or say-
So now I need you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you.
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, (is it me?) is it you? (is it you?)
Nothing that, (nothing that) I can do (I can do)
To make you, (to make you...) change your mind
(so why-) Is it me, (do you-) is it you? (run away?)
Nothing that, (won't you tell me?) I can do
(why) Is it a, (do you) waste of time? (run away?)
Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that, I can do-
To make you, change your mind - No!
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away? (what is it, I have to say-)
So why are you running away? (to make you admit, you're afraid)
Why are you running away?
stuck in my head.
I wish it would stop.
They're not so bad, you know. Just filter in with everything else... It's just a way of life, actually. Something I've come to accept- awhile ago.
Things that happened, things that -could- have happened, things that didn't happen.
It's strange coming to the realization 'hey wait, I don't have to -worry- about that, anymore.'
It sure makes the panic end faster, once it's over.
Even the things that I did right, few and far between as they might be. It's all there, -they're- all there - ever since the day we.... found her lying on the floor. They've only gotten worse, since- but I've gotten better at adjusting after. With time, whatever new thing there is to add.... Is just another one on the list.
and so that's just one more thing to mix in with the rest of them.
Everything, in past years, that I've had to deal with....
You learn to get over it all eventually, you know?
It's no big deal.
I better bring Den home, before it gets any later.
--7:32
Random musing while walking Den home.
Denial is often-times stemmed by want.
The desire to -have- something in your life, that isn't there.
Or- to find evidence of an existance lacking that you -don't- want present.
So, why is it that I know - having no real inclination in either direction - something in my brain is clearly -refusing- to acknowledge the mere possibility--
It's as if, of its own accord, it's decided.
"I'm not, I can't possibly be-"
but it occured to me, walking down the street tonight and musing to myself that the road is still warm from a sun that's setting earlier each day-
"... I am."
and I'm not really sure when it happened... but, it's been like this for awhile now.
I just kinda- wish I'd known sooner, is all.