(no subject)
I've been struggling a lot lately with feeling, I don't know, inadequate and unjustified I guess. I guess it is just kind of a lot of things. I mean, I am looking at classes for the major I had been planning on for years, and I just don't think I can handle it, so I am switching my major and minoring in what I had planned on majoring in and that makes me feel weak and kind of pathetic I guess. I wish I could handle the rigorous schedule and the competition and all that, but I just can't and it makes me really angry with myself. I also just feel like I was never "bad" enough with stuff I struggle with. I mean, I went to my Celebration of Recovery meeting, and instead of it being hopeful and all that, I feel stupid. I have earned my 6 months chip, but I have yet to go up and get it because I don't even know what to call myself. I guess I just feel that it is wrong for me to label myself as a self harmer or a bulimic or anorexic, because I just never got that bad. Yeah, I still want to cut myself at times, yeah every time I get really full I want to go to the bathroom and throw up, yeah there are days where I feel so crappy about the way I look that I don't even want to eat and I just want to go outside and run until I can't run anymore, then walk or bike or do crunches or anything to get rid of the fat that has overtaken my body, but I just wasn't really bad enough. I mean, I don't even have scars anymore from cutting, and I was never below a healthy BMI with eating stuff, I just don't feel like I've "earned" those titles. Who am I to call myself a bulimic when it only went on off and on while I was in treatment? I never had burns on my fingers from the acid, I didn't have scars on my knuckles from it, I didn't start to loose hair or have my skin turn somewhat translucent, I didn't have any of that, I wasn't even technically unhealthy, I was at a perfectly normal weight for my height and all that, I wasn't even the lowest I could have been. Who am I to call myself a cutter when I don't even have scars left? There are so many people I know with deep, permanent scars, and I have nothing. It is awful, but I want it. I don't totally know why, I guess just to justify needing so much help. To justify craving things that other people would think of as "freakish" or whatever. I just don't know, I guess it just really frustrates me and scares me sometimes. Ugh. Anyway, I didn't mean to worry any of you or anything, just kind of thinking aloud I guess.
Until later,
Mel
Until later,
Mel