(no subject)
I am in a really bad mood right now and I'm not totally sure why. I just really want to totally freak out and scream and cry and not have to deal with anything anymore. I am so tired of running and pretending things are okay and ignoring that there is a something wrong, but I just kind of do it subconsciously. I go through the day seeming somewhat okay, just kind of being there, not a whole lot of emotion I guess, and then I come home and everything comes crashing back and I just have no energy and don't want to do anything. I just want to crawl into my bed and never get up ever again. I end up crying myself to sleep every night, or even worse, wanting to and not being able to. That is where I'm at right now and was last night, it is so frustrating. Ugh!!!! I just can't take it much longer. And I don't know why I'm complaining, I mean, it could be so so much worse, it was before Christmas. I guess I just feel it kind of moving in that direction but I am doing all I can to deny that and it will probably cause more problems in the end, but what can you do I guess. Ugh, just kill me now so I don't have to mess with it anymore and I don't screw up anymore and I don't disappoint anyone else. I have a meeting with Brother Kimball tonight and I am so not looking forward to it at all!! Ugh, I hate talking to him. It is so annoying, I can't explain things and then he brings up stuff that seems totally unrelated and unimportant. It is so frustrating and I feel half interrogated all the time I am there. I mean, it would be one thing if it actually seemed to help, but I don't think it does. Maybe it will someday I don't know. Well, I have to go eat even though I'm not hungry. Ugh, oh well. Until later....
-Mel