CM Fic: Step Up (Part 2 of 3)

[impulsiveanswer]

Title: Step Up

Part: 2 of 3

Pairing: Reid/Hotch

Characters: Reid, Hotch, Rossi, Jessica, and a cameo by Jack

Rating: (this part): T; (entire story): M

Warnings: Slash, angst

Disclaimer: I don’t own Criminal Minds and anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar.

Summary for the whole story: Reid’s mother dies. As Reid struggles to deal with it, Hotch has to decide whether or not he should act on his feelings.

Summary for this part: Hotch remembers the past as he tries to figure out the present and the future; Reid has a chance encounter at the grocery store; and Hotch and Jessica talk.

Part1


Step Up (Part 2 of 3)

Aaron rested his elbows on his desk and buried his head in his hands. Thank God his team would remain at the bottom of the rotation list for the rest of the week. It was hard enough just to concentrate on the mountain of paperwork in front of him; it would be next to impossible to focus on a new, active case. His nerves were already shot from a week of restraining himself from calling Reid and saying…something. Unconsciously, his fingers twitched toward the cell phone that was lying in front of Jack’s picture; thankfully he caught himself in time and angrily batted it away. Reid was safe and sound under Dave’s care - he certainly didn’t need a phone call from someone who’d been messing with his emotions practically since the day they’d met.

He rubbed his eyes, trying to ward off a headache, as he remembered what happened on Dave’s front doorstep.  The shock of discovering Reid had spent the night there (‘How did Reid ended up at Dave’s, of all places?’ he now wondered anxiously. ‘No one’s said anything about him needing a place to stay, or even that he was back in town’) had been nothing compared to what he’d felt when Dave delivered his furious ultimatum. A part of him stubbornly insisted that this was none of Dave’s business, but Aaron knew it was about time someone confronted him about the way he felt for and acted around Reid.

It was clear what he had to do. Aaron was painfully aware of the fact that he wasn’t good for the people he loved, and knew he should at least try to learn from his mistakes. He couldn’t stand the idea of Reid ending up like Haley, staring at him with a mixture of anger, indignation, and disappointment in his eyes…or lying in a pool of his own blood on the family room floor. He couldn’t imagine how he or the team would survive if they lost Reid - especially if they all knew he could have prevented it. It was best for everyone if Aaron just let Reid down gently so he could move on.

But why was he agonizing over it if it was best for everyone? Because he was a selfish bastard, that’s why. Aaron didn’t want to let Reid go. He wanted to love him and be loved by him in return. He wanted… for years he’s wanted…

‘Stop it,’ he ordered himself silently, thoroughly disgusted. ‘What you want is for Reid to be safe and happy. What you want for yourself isn’t important here.’

Then why was this so difficult?   Aaron sighed as he looked over his desk and across the years.   Reid would have been better off if Aaron had just done the right thing all those years ago…

It had taken about two months for Reid’s eagerness to please and be liked by the BAU unit chief to develop into a full-bloom crush. It had taken Hotch about two months and fifteen minutes to realize this. ‘Oh boy,’ he’d thought with wary amusement, observing the way Reid’s eyes shone as the young agent snatched up the case file Aaron was asking him to look over like it was the most important thing in the world and sprinted out of the office with the eager promise to get started right away. ‘This - this is an interesting development.’

Still, Aaron had been realistic enough to know the crush probably wasn’t so much about him as it was the boy’s reaction to his new situation. Reid’s entire life up to that point had practically been defined by social isolation: his father had walked out on when he was still a child and his mother, however loving, was mentally unstable. Because of that, there had been no one around to help him instigate socialization with kids his own age and he’d been too much of an anomaly - too young, too smart, too awkward - to be able to do it on his own with the older kids that had made up his peer group (‘They probably acted like he didn’t exist when they weren’t busy tormenting him,’ he’d supposed, and had been surprised at how protective he’d felt at the thought). As a result, Reid had most likely always been too uncomfortable with himself and too guarded around others to develop any real romantic feelings for anyone. It had only made sense that Reid’s first serious crush would be someone from the BAU, probably the first place he’d ever even remotely felt like he belonged.

And, logically speaking, out of the three BAU agents most likely to be Reid’s first crush Aaron had made the most sense. He just happened to meet the almost textbook criteria of what someone with Reid’s background would be drawn to. First of all, he was the only one who was married, meaning Reid would never be expected or encouraged to act on his feelings; also, any rejection (real or perceived) could be attributed to Aaron’s commitment to his wife and not to any fault on Reid’s part. He was also the right age: not too young like Morgan, who was in the same age group as those peers who’d ostracized the boy for most of his life, or too old like Gideon, who was older than Reid’s own parents. He was just personable enough to make it seem like romance could be a possibility, unlike Gideon with his carefully crafted persona of a benevolent but untouchable agent-deity; yet he didn’t over-share, something Morgan did that both intimidated and embarrassed poor Reid pretty much every Monday morning.

Most importantly, Aaron had always taken great care to not treat Reid any differently than he would any new agent. He didn’t see Reid as a receptacle for his lessons and life views like Gideon seemed to half the time; or throw him off-balance with playfully teasing that sometimes came close to being disrespectful, like Morgan. Aaron had just been nice to Reid, and that went a long way with someone who was sadly used to being subjected to other peoples’ mockery and hidden agendas.

Aaron had taken a moment to consider sitting Reid down for a kind but firm discussion about his crush, but quickly decided against it. After all, Reid had never acted inappropriately and there had been no indication that he ever would. And he hadn’t made Aaron uncomfortable by making him the object of such endearing, benign affection.   Besides, it certainly wasn’t his place to tell Reid how he was supposed to feel.

‘Reid would just get embarrassed if I try to talk to him about this,’ Aaron had decided.   His lips had twitched wryly as he’d looked out his window to Reid’s desk, where the boy was enthusiastically reading the case file. ‘This crush will go away on its own once he’s worked here long enough. Nobody harbors puppy love for the mean, humorless drill sergeant.’

But it hadn’t gone away - it had only grown and deepened.   Aaron honestly could never figure out exactly what Reid continued to see in him that inspired such a response, but after awhile it had become evident that while the ‘puppy’ part was gone, the ‘love’ was there to stay. Once again, Aaron had considered talking to Reid about it and once again decided not to. He’d told himself this was only because there were still no indications that Reid had ever or would ever act inappropriately; and because he didn’t want to embarrass the poor boy, who couldn’t exactly control how he felt.

But there had been another reason, one that Aaron had been more than a little ashamed of during the few moments he’d admitted it to himself: he liked being the object of Reid’s affection. Even back then the cracks in his marriage to Haley, which had been there for longer than he cared to remember, were getting harder to overlook and it had seemed like he was constantly letting her down. With a wife at home who was almost always disappointed with him, it had been nice to be able to come to work and see nothing but love shining out of the beautiful hazel eyes of a sweet, smart kid who could do so much better than him.

‘But that’s okay,’ he’d reassured himself more often than he should have had to. ‘It’s not as if I’m encouraging Reid or treating him any differently than I do the others.’

Well, maybe Aaron had enjoyed being around Reid just a bit more than he did his other agents, but that had been perfectly understandable. Reid had always been a nice person who treated him with respect without making him feel like an outsider because he was ‘the boss’. Perhaps he had started giving Reid more smiles than he gave everyone else at work, but that had only been because the boy had a way of bringing that out in people. And those hazy dreams he’d had a couple of times about being naked in bed with an equally naked Reid? Just his brain processing the younger agent’s feelings: something to be embarrassed about and laugh off, not to take seriously. Besides, Aaron had told himself on a shamefully regular basis, Reid was basically a kid and therefore not someone he’d be attracted to in waking life. His feelings for Reid hadn’t changed in the slightest - not at all.

Except they had and all too soon they’d become too strong for him to keep denying it to himself. Aaron could pinpoint the moment when everything had gotten a lot more complicated: in the house of Randall Garner, the Fisher King. After that explosion and the horrible sight of Reid’s clothes on fire, all Aaron had wanted to do was get his agents - get Reid - away from that place, away from the inferno and the nightmare of the whole situation before it destroyed them all. Reid, however, had refused to leave until he could piece together the rest of Garner’s twisted puzzle and rescue poor Rebecca. As he’d watched Reid stand his ground on the stairs it had seemed to Aaron that the fire had somehow burned away the child in Reid and left behind this intelligent, kind, pure-of-heart, beautiful young man before him.

An intelligent, kind, pure-of-heart, beautiful young man who had been and still was steadfastly in love with Aaron. Aaron had then realized - or, more honestly, admitted to himself for the first time - that the love wasn’t unrequited.

Suddenly the feelings that he’d denied and buried for years rushed full-force to the surface. He had started dreaming of Reid almost every night - explicit dreams of making love to him and other vivid dreams of the two of them living together in domestic tranquility. Worse than the feeling that he was somehow betraying Haley and exploiting Reid had been the crushing guilt each time he’d woken up and realized how disappointed he was that it was just a dream.

He’d tried to keep his distance in real life, but even the unsubs had seemed to be conspiring against him. Rage and overwhelming fear still haunted Aaron whenever he thought of Tobias Hankel, Reid’s abduction, and those damn computers streaming images he couldn’t stand to watch but couldn’t bear to look away from. Aaron had barely been able to breathe during the drive to the graveyard after Reid had slipped them - slipped him - the clue to his whereabouts, almost paralyzed by the possibility that they could already be too late. After the rescue they had collapsed into an embrace, too exhausted and emotionally spent to worry about hiding feelings and being proper, and two things had run through Aaron’s mind:

The first had been a repeated chant of ‘Thank you, God’.

The second had been a treacherous realization: ‘If he’d died tonight I would have never known how perfect he feels in my arms.’

And the words ‘I knew you’d understand’ had instantly burned themselves into him, branding his heart, mind, and soul for life.

But Aaron had refused to let himself give in to his inappropriate emotions. It had broken his heart to stay away while Reid struggled to overcome his drug addiction, but he’d taken what comfort he could in the fact that he’d managed to shield the young man from the FBI higher-ups and that he could trust Gideon, Morgan, and the others to take care of Reid’s emotional needs (‘Which they didn’t,’ Hotch now remembered bitterly. ‘He was all alone - again.’). There’d been nothing more he could do; at the time he’d been a married man with a child who couldn’t just break his commitment to Haley and let their family with Jack fail.

The irony that Haley had been the one to walk out on him had never been lost on Aaron.

After Haley had taken Jack and left, Aaron had - albeit subconsciously - thrown caution to the wind and started spending as much time with Reid as work would allow. When he’d needed someone to take an overnight trip with him to Connecticut for an interview with Chester Hardwick, he’d chosen Reid. It had also been Aaron’s decision to have Reid accompany him to Brian Matloff’s trial, and he’d thought nothing of blowing off the pretty prosecutor’s offer for drinks so he could savor his time with the younger agent without having anyone else around.   He’d even gone so far as to make sure Reid understood that he knew about, and understood, the young man’s recent drug cravings. It had felt like heaven to Aaron to finally be able to accept being in love with Reid without feeling so damn guilty about it.

Well, at least without feeling guilty as far as Haley was concerned. Aaron had been utterly appalled with himself on a professional level for abusing his position of authority for personal gratification. Every time he’d told himself he wasn’t going to do it again; but then Reid would look at him with those eyes, quirk his lips into a little smile, show his bravery and/or stubborn streak, or ask him what he wanted (‘To be able to see Jack without having to beg Haley first, to know why Haley is so angry with me, to know if being inside you would feel as wonderful in real life as it does in my dreams, to memorize what your face looks like when you orgasm, and to wake up with you in my arms and know that would happen every morning for the rest of my life,’ had been the unspoken answer to that question) and he couldn’t help himself. Hell, during the terrorist case in New York he would have taken Reid with him to brief the mayor instead of Kate if he could have thought of an explanation that the brash British agent would have accepted…

And then it would have been Reid with him when the SUV exploded. It would have been Reid dead at the hospital instead of Kate.

That explosion had been a hell of a wake-up call and Aaron had heeded it. Reid’s life should never be in danger - not from exploding cars, vicious sociopaths trying to delay their executions, or amnesiac serial killers and the gun-toting fathers of their victims - because of Hotch’s selfish desire to keep him close. He’d decided during that uncomfortable car ride home with Morgan that if distance would keep Reid safe then distance was what the young man would get.

It hadn’t been easy - in fact, ‘torturous’ was probably not an entirely inaccurate description of long, long months he’d made himself stay away from one of the two people in the world who truly made him happy. Aaron had died a little inside every time he’d stayed away when Reid needed him, like during the Riley Jenkins murder investigation and when he’d had to send Morgan to comfort Reid after the whole Adam/Amanda case because he didn’t dare go himself. He’d downright hated himself for not to rushing to the other agent’s hospital bedside as soon as the anthrax threat was contained and for forcing himself to refrain from visiting unless the majority of the team was also going.

In the end, though, the distance had been worth it - worth it because George Foyet had never found out about his feelings for Reid. Aaron had panicked when he’d first found out Reid had been shot, convinced that Foyet knew and Reid was once again the target of a monster. That, however, hadn’t been the case because the horrible, torturous distance had kept the young agent safe. Then and there, Aaron had resolved to never let his own wants and desires endanger the younger man’s life again: no matter how much he ached for him, Aaron would have to accept that he was only supposed to love Reid from afar and remain utterly alone.

He had never considered the fact that by doing this he’d also sentenced Reid to the same fate.

Aaron glanced out at Reid’s empty desk. He knew what he wanted to do, but after screwing up so spectacularly with Haley how could he even consider doing the same with Reid? Yes, the best thing Aaron could do for Reid was reject him as kindly but definitively as possible so he could find someone who didn’t let down and endanger everyone he loved.

He closed his eyes and tried to imagine Reid looking at some perfectly nice person the same way he looked him; his heart immediately constricted harshly and only the knowledge that it wasn’t real kept him from vomiting.

How the hell was he going to get through this?

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“Nope,” said Dave matter-of-factly. “Not on my watch, pal.”

Spencer let out a squawk of protest as Dave plucked the colorful red box from his hands and placed it back on the shelf. “I like that cereal!”

“What ‘cereal’? This here is a box of marshmallows with just enough sugar-glazed wheat puffs mixed in to keep it out of the baking aisle.”

“I like the marshmallows!”

Dave crinkled his brow and rested his forearms on the shopping cart handle. “I’ll tell you what,” he said in a casual tone that Spencer was quickly learning meant he’d already made up his mind. “You can get it if you can convince me that marshmallows have any nutritional value whatsoever.”

“They have calcium,” Spencer told him hopefully. Dave cocked an eyebrow at him and he knew further argument would be futile.

“Look,” Dave sighed patiently. “I’m not saying you can never have Lucky Charms again. It’s just that you’ve spent most of your life subsisting on sugar soaked in artificial coloring and food-like whatever with names that have to be misspelled because they’re made up of chemicals instead of real ingredients. I think you need to learn how to eat healthy before you can properly merge the two dietary extremes.”

He glanced down, did a double-take, and gave Spencer an exasperated look while the young man tried to look as innocent as possible. “And a healthy diet does not include this,” he declared, hoisting up the white bread Spencer had managed to conceal in the cart. “I’m going to put back this glorified cotton candy and get you something with lots of fiber and grains and crap in it. Don’t bother trying to make the great escape.” He pulled his car keys from his pocket and gave them a shake. “You won’t get far.”

“There’s always public transportation,” mumbled Spencer.

Dave froze for a second. Spencer immediately worried he’d been too impertinent, but then the older man grinned as if he were absolutely delighted. “True,” Dave conceded, giving his cheek a fond pat before walking away. “But I know where you live.”

Spencer sighed in defeat, mentally processing this latest episode in what had been the most surreal week of his life as he watched the other man take off around the end of the aisle with his bread in tow. It had all started when Dave took Spencer home after a break-down the young agent was still mortified to remember. The next morning - afternoon, really; he hadn’t realized he’d been so tired - he’d babbled an apology and asked to call a cab, determined to let Dave get back to his life so they could both start pretending to forget the whole embarrassing episode. Dave had just snorted, placed two bowls of soup and plates of toast down on the table, and told him to sit. It had been a strange meal; Dave had kept asking him about John Wayne movies - what he thought of them and whether or not he liked them - until Spencer had been forced to admit he’d never seen one before.

He’d ended up staying at Dave’s house for almost the whole week. The first three days had been devoted to watching movies (all westerns, all John Wayne - Dave couldn’t seem to let that one go; Spencer just didn’t get it), helping Dave complete some consults he’d apparently promised to do in his spare time, and having several odd conversations over the huge meals the older man had insisted on preparing for them three times a day. His phone had begun ringing on the second day: Morgan, JJ, Emily, and Garcia, who’d all started calling once their concern over why they hadn’t heard from him had finally trumped their collective decision to respect his privacy during a difficult time. Hotch hadn’t called, but Spencer had figured he was getting updates from the others, and understood how busy he must have been.

Well, he may have checked his phone once or twice. Actually it had probably been more than that, because Dave had finally sighed and (somewhat reluctantly, it had seemed, though Spencer couldn’t imagine why) told him that Hotch had come by while he’d slept on the first day and knew he was in good hands.

Days four and five had consisted of him and Dave putting Spencer’s apartment back in order, cleaning from top to bottom (this was undoubtedly the cleanest it had been since the building was first built) before rearranging and organizing everything. Spencer had tried a few times to tell the other agent that he didn’t need to spend his last few days of annual leave elbows-deep in someone else’s mess, but Dave had just given him a Look and ordered him to get back to work.  Now, with less than two days until both of them were scheduled to return to the BAU, they were grocery shopping. Dave had made a shopping list of essentials and was threatening to do random inspections of Spencer’s kitchen to make sure he always kept those things in stock.

Spencer believed him. He just didn’t know what had gotten into Dave lately.

“Excuse me,” a female voice politely broke through his musings. “Could you please hand me that box of Lucky Charms?”

‘At least somebody gets to enjoy them,’ he thought longingly as he handed over the box to the blond woman. There was something vaguely familiar about her, and judging by the way she squinted slightly and cocked her head she was thinking the same thing about him.

“Aunt Jessica! Daddy and I are going to make box brownies for dessert tomorrow!”

Spencer’s heart leapt into his throat as an even more familiar red-haired boy came running up, followed by the man who often starred in Spencer’s dreams - the man who stopped short when he saw his agent standing there. “Reid!” said Hotch, sounding surprised.

Spencer had known he’d missed him, but hadn’t realized just how much until that moment. “Hi, Hotch,” he replied, feeling his heart thump just a little bit faster.

“Hi,” said Hotch, his expression strange - as if he couldn’t decide how he should smile. “I - I didn’t know you did your grocery shopping here.”

“I usually don’t,” explained Spencer, eager to keep the conversation going just so he could soak in Hotch’s presence. “You know me - I live off of take-out. Dave…I mean Rossi…he thought I needed some ‘real food’ in my apartment and kind of insisted we get some before both of us had to go back to work. He’ll be back any minute now, if you want to talk to him.”

Hotch didn’t look too surprised to hear he was there with Dave. Instead he looked…well, Spencer couldn’t really identify the emotions in Hotch’s expression, mostly because what he thought he saw didn’t make any sense. “That’s all right,” said Hotch quickly. “I saw him earlier this week. How - how have you been? I know I haven’t spoken to you since you went on leave -“

“Don’t worry about it,” Spencer assured him quickly. “I know how busy you are. And I’ve been okay, really.”

If Spencer didn’t know better he’d swear that the expression ghosting over Hotch’s face was guilt. “I still should have called,” he said earnestly. “I…I’m sorry.”

Warmth spread throughout Spencer’s chest, which cooled only slightly when Hotch gave him a sad look. “It’s the thought that counts,” he blurted out and then instantly hated himself for sounding so insipid.

Hotch opened and closed his mouth - ‘Probably trying to figure out how to end the conversation without making the babbling moron feel bad,’ thought Spencer, supremely embarrassed - but was interrupted when the blond woman cleared her throat. “Aaron?” she asked.

“Oh, right,” said Hotch, blinking at her as if he’d forgotten she was there. “Jessica Brooks, this is Dr. Spencer Reid. He’s on my team.” He turned back to Spencer. “Jessica is…is Jack’s aunt.”

‘And Haley’s sister’ - the unspoken phrase hung heavy in the air. Spencer gave her an awkward wave. “Hello,” he said. “I remember you now from the -“ he was suddenly very aware of Jack Hotchner’s presence “- from before. I’m sorry…uh, I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you then.”

Jessica had been studying him with an appraising expression and a tight smile since Hotch had first started talking to him. Now she stared at him for one beat longer before her smile relaxed just enough that she didn’t look so tense anymore. “Thank you,” she said and Spencer knew she understood what he meant.

“Jack,” said Hotch, placing a hand on his son’s shoulder, “do you remember Mr. Reid? He works with me catching bad guys.”

“That’s right,” Spencer told him in the oddly formal tone he almost always used around children. “I’m an FBI agent, just like your dad.”

The boy squinted up at Spencer. “I visited his office last week,” Jack informed him, “but I don’t remember seeing you there. Where were you?”

“Well, Jack,” said Spencer, starting to feel uncomfortable under the child’s frank stare. “I was on leave.”

“Why?”

“I - well my - it - it was…it was bereavement leave.”

“What’s ‘bee-reeve-ment’?”

Spencer shot a pleading look at Hotch, not sure what would be okay for him to tell Jack. “It means ‘sad’, Jack,” Hotch told his son gently.

“Oh,” said Jack. He looked back at Spencer with curious eyes. “Why are you sad?”

He suddenly felt his heart twist in his chest. How could he tell this child - Hotch’s child - about his mom and risk opening up those same wounds for him? He opened his mouth to lie, but had to look down at his shoes to hide the tears that had sprung into his eyes. He couldn’t do it; he couldn’t tell a lie that would…distance himself from his mother once again. “My mom died,” he blurted out quietly, and was instantly ashamed for burdening Jack with the knowledge of his tragedy.

A small hand slipped into his. Spencer looked up and met Jack’s empathy-filled eyes. “My mom died too,” Jack told him solemnly. “It’s okay to be sad.”

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After the groceries were put away and Jack was settled into his room with a box of crayons and a stack of construction paper, Aaron leaned his head against the back of his couch and let out a deliberate breath. So many different thoughts and emotions had been clogging his mind since bumping into Reid at the store that he could barely sort them out. He was proud of Jack and happy that he had a compassionate son who let his own tragedy make him more empathetic with others rather than angry at the world. He’d missed Reid even more than he’d thought and the dopey, giddy thrill running through his body kept reminding him how ridiculously wonderful it had been to see him again. And he couldn’t forget how Reid beautiful had looked when he was so happy he glowed.

What was really tormenting Aaron, though, was that he knew how horribly unfair and wrong it was that all that it took to make Reid so happy was for him to say he was sorry for being such an inconsiderate jerk. ‘He should be with someone who can make him see he deserves better,’ he thought miserably as he closed his eyes.

“So that was Spencer Reid, huh?”

Aaron’s eyes snapped open to see Jessica standing over him with two cups - one of tea, the other of coffee - in either hand. “What?” he asked, accepting the coffee.

“Spencer Reid,” repeated Jessica. She sat down next to Aaron and stared down at her tea. “He - he wasn’t quite what I thought he’d be.”

“Hmmm,” said Aaron noncommittally, taking a sip from his cup. “I guess everyone thinks a super-genius should wear a pocket-protector at all times.”

Jessica visibly hesitated, tensing for a moment before putting her cup down. “It’s not that,” she finally said quietly, clenching her hands, still not looking at him. “I mean, I thought he’d be…different because…because of what Haley told me.”

Aaron put down his cup as well and stared at her. “Haley?” he asked, puzzled. “What did she say about him?”

“Nothing about him, I guess,” Jessica corrected herself softly.

He waited for more, but she stayed silent. “Jess?” prompted a confused Aaron. “What is it?”

Jessica took a deep breath and finally looked up at Aaron. “She said - I mean she - she told me you would occasionally…you used to say his name in your sleep.”

Thank God he’d put the hot coffee down; at that moment he wouldn’t have been able to do anything as mentally challenging as not dropping something. “What?” he managed to croak out.

“It didn’t happen every night,” Jessica added quickly. “But often enough to know he was on your mind. And apparently the way you said it…she figured it wasn’t work-related.”

“I never knew,” said Aaron with a stunned numbness. “She never told me.”

Jessica let out a nervous chuckle. “You know Haley.” A cloud of sadness passed over her face. “I mean, you know what she was like - she’d hold it all in and pretend everything was okay until she just kind of exploded.”

‘Like that last fight before she left me,’ remembered Aaron. God, had she thought he was having an affair with Reid? Had she equated his refusal to leave the BAU with a refusal to leave his supposed lover and recommit to their family? And that furious phone call when she’d demanded he sign the divorce papers - she’d asked if he’d gone to Connecticut by himself and he’d told her he was there with Reid….

“I never -“ Aaron struggled to find the right words. “I - I had these…these dreams, but I never…Reid and I have never….”

Mercifully, Jessica didn’t seem to be interested in seeing him squirm. “I know,” she told him simply. “Even if I had thought that before, after seeing the two of you together in the store today….” She shook her head and let out a half-amused, half accepting sigh. “I’ve known you since you were seventeen, Aaron; certainly well enough know you wouldn’t cheat on anyone. Haley knew it too, once the divorce was finalized and she was able to get some distance from the situation.”

Aaron thought of the dreams, of Haley listening while he dreamed of making love to Reid or spending an evening curled up with him by a fireplace. “But I did,” he mused guiltily. “I never acted on my feelings, but I…I loved him while I was married to her.” He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was such a terrible husband. You must hate me.”

Jessica was quiet for a full ten seconds. “I was very angry with you for a long time,” she finally conceded. “Not because of Dr. Reid - well, not just because of him. Mostly it was because you wouldn’t be the husband that Haley needed you to be and I couldn’t understand why.”

Aaron’s heart sank. “Jessica…”

“Aaron, please. This isn’t easy for me to say, so please just let me get it out.” Jessica covered her eyes with one hand and massaged her temples, as if centering herself so she could summon the strength to continue. “I understood, eventually; when I started spending more time with you and Jack after…after what happened. You couldn’t be the husband Haley needed you to be, no more - no more than she could have been the wife you needed her to be.”

He was glad she wanted him to be quiet because he honestly didn’t know if he could find the words to say at that point. “You and Haley were a great couple in high school,” Jessica continued, “but as much as I love Jack I can’t help but think you two would have been better off making a clean break when you went off to college. I know you both agreed that you could see other people - which she did, and I assume you did too - but as long as you were still ‘together’ neither of you had to really put yourselves out there and move on. The two of you changed so much over those years, but you and Haley were both too stubborn to let the relationship go.”

“I did love her,” said Aaron faintly but with conviction.

“I know that,” Jessica assured him. “And she loved you too. But she needed someone who would come home every night, and you needed someone who understood how important it was for you to do your job. You just…ended up making each other very unhappy.”

“Well,” said Aaron as his mind unwittingly conjured up an image of Reid looking at him as unhappily as Haley used to. He blinked rapidly; when had his eyes filled with tears? “I guess you’ll be glad to know I’ve learned my lesson.”

“What are you talking about?” demanded Jessica, confused for a moment.  Then realization set in and her eyes widened. “Are you talking about…God, Aaron, haven’t you been listening to me?”

He looked at her, surprised and unnerved at how she suddenly sounded a lot like her sister. “Haley was a good person,” said Jessica firmly and deliberately. “You are a good person. The two of you just weren’t good together. I know I don’t know Dr. Reid, but you and he - you two seem like you’d be a good fit.” She took his hand. “There were two people in your marriage, Aaron, and there were two people responsible for it ending. It wasn’t all your fault.”

“It was my fault she died,” confessed Aaron tightly, harshly.

She winced at his bluntness but plunged ahead anyway. “Would you have done anything to save her?” she demanded. He nodded wordlessly. “It was that monster who…he did it, not you. Whatever you did or didn’t do to make him come after you - well, you should know better than anyone that people like that will do what they want to do until you stop them. He is the only one responsible for what he did, so you really need to stop paying penance for it. You deserve to be happy, Aaron; you deserve to be with the person you love.”

“I’m no good for him,” replied Aaron ruefully.

“He seems to think you’re pretty damn great, if the way he was looking at you at the store today is anything to go by,” retorted Jessica with a small smile and just a hint of teasing in her tone.

“No,” Aaron shook his head, knowing she couldn’t understand. “I knew how he felt about me…I dreamed about him…I kept him close and then pushed him away…I - I used him….” He shut his eyes briefly. “But I can protect him from - “

“From what?” Jessica cut in sharply. “From the fact that you’re a human being with human wants and desires? Like I said, I don’t know Dr. Reid, but I do know what love looks like; and I know you owe it to him to let him have a say in what does or doesn’t happen between you just as much as you owe it to yourself to try to be happy again.” Her eyes grew shiny with tears. “Don’t you think it would be good for Jack to see his daddy let himself be happy again?”

Aaron’s mind swam. The guilt and fear were still there, but now there were other things beginning to stir within him: a new sense of direction and the possibility…the possibility that maybe - just maybe - he could be happy…they could be happy…

She gave his hand a final squeeze and let go. “I’m beat,” she announced. “I’ll still make dinner, but I don’t think I’ll be up to driving home afterwards. If it’s all right with you, I’ll stay here tonight. And I’ll be more than happy to hold down the fort if you happen to decide you need to go out.”

To be continued…

Part 3