My tummy feels like crap.
So last night on the way to the film festival, C & I stopped at Subway and I got a veggie sandwich. I didn't even eat half of it before just feeling pretty blah about it. Cut to about 30-45 minutes later and I've got the worst stomach ache ever and end up puking all night. We had to leave the festival early and I spent most of the night breaking fevers and just being miserable.
And so it goes without saying but food poisoning = sucks. C took care of me last night & most of today even though he's got a summer cold and was feeling crappy too. I have a good one and I'm really thankful for that.
I sometimes feel kinda, not jealous I guess, but envious of other people's relationships where they can see their significant other all the time. I have such a fear of spending too much time with C and having one of us get annoyed with the other one (even though this really hasn't ever happened) that we sort of have this unspoken agreement/habit of seeing each other every couple of days or so instead of like, every night. Or even two nights in a row.
I guess before I got with Tristan, it was really rare for me to spend a night alone when I had a boyfriend. While I've never lived with a significant other, I spent a lot less time worrying about getting too close or whatever and spent way more time indulging my wants when it came to that. If I missed my boyfriend, I could call him (another thing that C & I don't really do - talk on the phone) and one of us would go to the other one's place and the need was just placated. It was nice - and now I just worry about being too clingy.
I don't really blame Tristan for this. I will say though that being with him really forced me to redefine almost everything I thought about relationships and how they were supposed to work. Things that would have never been acceptable to me before him became ok and justifiable. I would have never stayed with someone who chose their job over me or who didn't spend enough time with me. I would have never stayed with someone who made me question almost everything about my wants, my needs, my relationship, & my emotional health. I would have never cheated on anyone to the severity that I did when I was with him. I would have felt guilty about it if I had. I would have felt something. I also redefined my ideas of monogamy. When I found out T had cheated on me, I didn't feel jealous or angry that he had done it. I felt upset because he had somehow found the time to spend with someone else before me. Does that make sense? I really wouldn't have cared what he did so long as he was still fulfilling my needs. And to realize that was pretty fucking life-changing. And so it wasn't all bad.
And now that I'm with C, I definitely don't have all of the same problems but some of the habits and fears and second-guessing remain. I'm honestly kind of curious where my love life is going to go after he leaves for Berkeley. It should be interesting - it usually is.
I was supposed to go to my cousin's Emmy party but my stomach has still been pretty crappy all day so I stayed home and turned on my tv here instead. It's weird to watch tv (I never do) and see commercials and all the fake-ness and yeah. It's just weird.
In other news, Clive Owen is beautiful.
And so it goes without saying but food poisoning = sucks. C took care of me last night & most of today even though he's got a summer cold and was feeling crappy too. I have a good one and I'm really thankful for that.
I sometimes feel kinda, not jealous I guess, but envious of other people's relationships where they can see their significant other all the time. I have such a fear of spending too much time with C and having one of us get annoyed with the other one (even though this really hasn't ever happened) that we sort of have this unspoken agreement/habit of seeing each other every couple of days or so instead of like, every night. Or even two nights in a row.
I guess before I got with Tristan, it was really rare for me to spend a night alone when I had a boyfriend. While I've never lived with a significant other, I spent a lot less time worrying about getting too close or whatever and spent way more time indulging my wants when it came to that. If I missed my boyfriend, I could call him (another thing that C & I don't really do - talk on the phone) and one of us would go to the other one's place and the need was just placated. It was nice - and now I just worry about being too clingy.
I don't really blame Tristan for this. I will say though that being with him really forced me to redefine almost everything I thought about relationships and how they were supposed to work. Things that would have never been acceptable to me before him became ok and justifiable. I would have never stayed with someone who chose their job over me or who didn't spend enough time with me. I would have never stayed with someone who made me question almost everything about my wants, my needs, my relationship, & my emotional health. I would have never cheated on anyone to the severity that I did when I was with him. I would have felt guilty about it if I had. I would have felt something. I also redefined my ideas of monogamy. When I found out T had cheated on me, I didn't feel jealous or angry that he had done it. I felt upset because he had somehow found the time to spend with someone else before me. Does that make sense? I really wouldn't have cared what he did so long as he was still fulfilling my needs. And to realize that was pretty fucking life-changing. And so it wasn't all bad.
And now that I'm with C, I definitely don't have all of the same problems but some of the habits and fears and second-guessing remain. I'm honestly kind of curious where my love life is going to go after he leaves for Berkeley. It should be interesting - it usually is.
I was supposed to go to my cousin's Emmy party but my stomach has still been pretty crappy all day so I stayed home and turned on my tv here instead. It's weird to watch tv (I never do) and see commercials and all the fake-ness and yeah. It's just weird.
In other news, Clive Owen is beautiful.