It's not a permanent state of mind, just something I had to get through to get to the other side.
You know, I had been depressed before, but I have to say this has got to be an all time low.
At least for this year.
I've been down for almost a month. I've been trying to pull myself up. Each attempt was either temporary or ineffective.
My view has changed. I used to have hope for the world. I used to believe that human are innately good. I found out that the world was raped and abused to the point of no return. And if that is not cruel enough, all creatures in the world have dark souls.
Sure, we were taught ethics and morals to keep us somewhat in lines. Sure, we all tried to be good. Unfortunately, circumstances have led us astray, and we do what we must do for the sake of survival, of our own or our loved ones.
I don't know.
I have been in search of happiness. Occasionally, I found it. However, I also find that five minutes of happiness does not make up for the five days of struggle. Maybe some other people are more fortunate than I am, but that is pretty much the going price of happiness for me.
I am abandoning the search for happiness. Maybe for some people, people like me, we can't afford to be happy.
I even tried the 'counting the little things that make you happy' method. I did. And I feel like I am settling for the lesser things. Before I realized it, those little things failed to add up and the happiness was a glass, half empty. Not enough to quench the thirst.
I also tried the 'concentrate on the good things' method, but I found the world to be full of uglies. I was in hiding and in denial. Before I knew it, my small bright and shiny bubble got so small, there was no room to breathe, literally.
And so, I started my search for peace. I have heard that you're at peace when you're dead, but even some ghosts wander restlessly in a cycle they cannot break. So, bull-effing-shit to the 'at peace when you're dead' theory.
I asked Meridith for guidance. She told me that things are in an uproar, and that I am in the learning space which brings with it that uncomfortable and uncertainty feelings. She told me to do my best and ride it out, and in the meantime, don't make any rash decision, don't say anything I cannot take back, and try not to hate the world too much.
A tall order for the sake of learning. Learning what exactly is my question. Would it help the world? Would it help mankind?
Or is it going to just preserve my sanity enough so that I can push on and continue with the struggle? And if that is so, then what for?
The dots are missing and I failed to see the Big Picture.
At least for this year.
I've been down for almost a month. I've been trying to pull myself up. Each attempt was either temporary or ineffective.
My view has changed. I used to have hope for the world. I used to believe that human are innately good. I found out that the world was raped and abused to the point of no return. And if that is not cruel enough, all creatures in the world have dark souls.
Sure, we were taught ethics and morals to keep us somewhat in lines. Sure, we all tried to be good. Unfortunately, circumstances have led us astray, and we do what we must do for the sake of survival, of our own or our loved ones.
I don't know.
I have been in search of happiness. Occasionally, I found it. However, I also find that five minutes of happiness does not make up for the five days of struggle. Maybe some other people are more fortunate than I am, but that is pretty much the going price of happiness for me.
I am abandoning the search for happiness. Maybe for some people, people like me, we can't afford to be happy.
I even tried the 'counting the little things that make you happy' method. I did. And I feel like I am settling for the lesser things. Before I realized it, those little things failed to add up and the happiness was a glass, half empty. Not enough to quench the thirst.
I also tried the 'concentrate on the good things' method, but I found the world to be full of uglies. I was in hiding and in denial. Before I knew it, my small bright and shiny bubble got so small, there was no room to breathe, literally.
And so, I started my search for peace. I have heard that you're at peace when you're dead, but even some ghosts wander restlessly in a cycle they cannot break. So, bull-effing-shit to the 'at peace when you're dead' theory.
I asked Meridith for guidance. She told me that things are in an uproar, and that I am in the learning space which brings with it that uncomfortable and uncertainty feelings. She told me to do my best and ride it out, and in the meantime, don't make any rash decision, don't say anything I cannot take back, and try not to hate the world too much.
A tall order for the sake of learning. Learning what exactly is my question. Would it help the world? Would it help mankind?
Or is it going to just preserve my sanity enough so that I can push on and continue with the struggle? And if that is so, then what for?
The dots are missing and I failed to see the Big Picture.