Its okay, thats love.
Things feel heavy. I'm lonely in a way. The hardest thing to do sometimes is just to smile.
I'm disappointed in my life. How unsmoothly it goes.
I hate how unmotivated I am, its paralyzing.
I got a car, its not too pretty as my graduation gift. Its slightly embarrassing to be seen in. When will my dad have time to make it pretty for me? I don't know. When I got it, when I saw how the condition was my heart sank. My father is always busy because he struggles to make money. My siblings also burden him with bills. But at the end of the day I will get a short stick because I demand the least. This car's life expectancy is 1 year. It needs a 60$ part already. I hear stories of parents talk about buying their children new cars, i'm sure they have power locks and windows. So I need to save up for a new car.
I said I graduated right? I have 11,000 in loans I need to start paying on in november.
Better find a job right?
Yeah about that. I can't find the right motivation to get my shit done for my internship. I also have to figure out what to do with petition for chem? Are they going to give me credit so I can graduate? I'm dreading it. I need a professor to look over everything too.
So I can't find a job now cause I haven't received my degree. Whats the point in putting an application in when I have no clue when I can leave?
I didn't even hear back from any of the 9 jobs I put in for. Not that I can go now. I better get this shit done now huh?
I need to get gas on sunday. I'm gonna have to get a parking pass on monday. 120$. I'll be working the week at life sciences with an intolerable person. But its money so grin and bear it right? So i've got a car, iphone, parking pass, and gas to pay for.
But I don't want to live here anymore. I can't stand the bickering, the fighting, the children. This isn't where I want to be right now. This isn't the life I really want right now.
All I do is try to escape it. But I can't even do that. When life is shit, my game goes to shit too. I'm in a new guild for the 3rd time in Wildstar. I can't do this getting to know so many people over and over. I can't get comfortable. I can't make friends. I joined this game with dustin, he quit. I joined this guild with the gm of the other one, he's MIA. Theres no second raid for me to play in. Theres no one to play with. You can't really pug the pve, and pvp isn't fun healing pugs.
My reality escape isn't there in gaming.
So I watch kdramas. But finding the right ones takes time. Theres something i look for in them. I've started two on air shows which I can watch every tuesday-friday of new episodes. It gives me something to come home and relax with, to look forward to. I have true blood on sunday/monday. But these shows are coming to an end and I'll have to find more.
Did I mention I don't want to be here anymore? I wanna be on my own, away, far away. I want a fresh start to fail again. Okay, hopefully not fail. I didn't even make friends here really in syracuse.
Jon just had to message me on fb. Ruin my weeks. Surprising he still thinks of me. Its hard to block out someone who you grew up with, who you dated forever. well atleast for me. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. I'd love to slap him, to dress up and walk by him and ignore him. His memory flares my temper still. What I tried to have with him, I wish I could have had. Why was he such a worthless asshole? Ahhh what a waste of my life. Sure my life isn't very good atm. But as a significant other I have potential. I am so loyal and loving. I just want to be loved.
Why can't I attract a guy my own type, my style, who is attractive inside and out? All the guys that chase me I have to attraction to.
So i'm lonely sometimes. We all just want to be understood.
~Death Comes Fast~
I'm disappointed in my life. How unsmoothly it goes.
I hate how unmotivated I am, its paralyzing.
I got a car, its not too pretty as my graduation gift. Its slightly embarrassing to be seen in. When will my dad have time to make it pretty for me? I don't know. When I got it, when I saw how the condition was my heart sank. My father is always busy because he struggles to make money. My siblings also burden him with bills. But at the end of the day I will get a short stick because I demand the least. This car's life expectancy is 1 year. It needs a 60$ part already. I hear stories of parents talk about buying their children new cars, i'm sure they have power locks and windows. So I need to save up for a new car.
I said I graduated right? I have 11,000 in loans I need to start paying on in november.
Better find a job right?
Yeah about that. I can't find the right motivation to get my shit done for my internship. I also have to figure out what to do with petition for chem? Are they going to give me credit so I can graduate? I'm dreading it. I need a professor to look over everything too.
So I can't find a job now cause I haven't received my degree. Whats the point in putting an application in when I have no clue when I can leave?
I didn't even hear back from any of the 9 jobs I put in for. Not that I can go now. I better get this shit done now huh?
I need to get gas on sunday. I'm gonna have to get a parking pass on monday. 120$. I'll be working the week at life sciences with an intolerable person. But its money so grin and bear it right? So i've got a car, iphone, parking pass, and gas to pay for.
But I don't want to live here anymore. I can't stand the bickering, the fighting, the children. This isn't where I want to be right now. This isn't the life I really want right now.
All I do is try to escape it. But I can't even do that. When life is shit, my game goes to shit too. I'm in a new guild for the 3rd time in Wildstar. I can't do this getting to know so many people over and over. I can't get comfortable. I can't make friends. I joined this game with dustin, he quit. I joined this guild with the gm of the other one, he's MIA. Theres no second raid for me to play in. Theres no one to play with. You can't really pug the pve, and pvp isn't fun healing pugs.
My reality escape isn't there in gaming.
So I watch kdramas. But finding the right ones takes time. Theres something i look for in them. I've started two on air shows which I can watch every tuesday-friday of new episodes. It gives me something to come home and relax with, to look forward to. I have true blood on sunday/monday. But these shows are coming to an end and I'll have to find more.
Did I mention I don't want to be here anymore? I wanna be on my own, away, far away. I want a fresh start to fail again. Okay, hopefully not fail. I didn't even make friends here really in syracuse.
Jon just had to message me on fb. Ruin my weeks. Surprising he still thinks of me. Its hard to block out someone who you grew up with, who you dated forever. well atleast for me. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. I'd love to slap him, to dress up and walk by him and ignore him. His memory flares my temper still. What I tried to have with him, I wish I could have had. Why was he such a worthless asshole? Ahhh what a waste of my life. Sure my life isn't very good atm. But as a significant other I have potential. I am so loyal and loving. I just want to be loved.
Why can't I attract a guy my own type, my style, who is attractive inside and out? All the guys that chase me I have to attraction to.
So i'm lonely sometimes. We all just want to be understood.
~Death Comes Fast~