When The Panic Sets In
"The English language needs a word for wanting to be dead. Not for wanting to kill yourself; it has a word for that. But I don’t get suicidal. I spend no time writing farewell notes or considering alternative plans to ending it all. I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to be dead, desperately, because it is terrifying to reside inside my own body."
I posted an article a while ago that had different people's experiences of anxiety and this excerpt from one of the stories has been stuck with me ever since I read it. I think about it every time I remember my most recent panic attack and how hard it is to explain to someone who claims to have never been anxious what anxiety feels like. Specifically, I was on the phone with my dad the night after I got my DUI. I was in full-fledged panic mode and while I absolutely know his intentions were good, the last thing someone who's having a panic attack wants/needs to hear is to "let it go" and "don't worry about things you can't control". It's impossible to think logically when your brain won't have any of it. His advice was right but impossible to take. When I had my first panic attack about 4 years ago, I explained to Will (and the doctor at the urgent care by my parent's house) that my biggest fear was that my brain would trick me into thinking that I was suicidal because it was too much to bear and felt like it would never end. I absolutely and logically knew (and always have known and still know) that I didn't want to die. I knew that wasn't the answer. I soon found out that Xanax was the answer and then when I got back to Olympia, Zoloft and therapy was the answer. After my most recent panic attack, Buspar was added to the Zoloft and Strattera I already take plus I started therapy again. With not drinking tons of beer, walking the dogs twice a day, and eating at home more, I feel like I'm me again. I feel awesome. It's a definite possibility that I'll probably have another panic attack in the near or far future and if/when it happens, I'll come out stronger than I did this time.
I posted an article a while ago that had different people's experiences of anxiety and this excerpt from one of the stories has been stuck with me ever since I read it. I think about it every time I remember my most recent panic attack and how hard it is to explain to someone who claims to have never been anxious what anxiety feels like. Specifically, I was on the phone with my dad the night after I got my DUI. I was in full-fledged panic mode and while I absolutely know his intentions were good, the last thing someone who's having a panic attack wants/needs to hear is to "let it go" and "don't worry about things you can't control". It's impossible to think logically when your brain won't have any of it. His advice was right but impossible to take. When I had my first panic attack about 4 years ago, I explained to Will (and the doctor at the urgent care by my parent's house) that my biggest fear was that my brain would trick me into thinking that I was suicidal because it was too much to bear and felt like it would never end. I absolutely and logically knew (and always have known and still know) that I didn't want to die. I knew that wasn't the answer. I soon found out that Xanax was the answer and then when I got back to Olympia, Zoloft and therapy was the answer. After my most recent panic attack, Buspar was added to the Zoloft and Strattera I already take plus I started therapy again. With not drinking tons of beer, walking the dogs twice a day, and eating at home more, I feel like I'm me again. I feel awesome. It's a definite possibility that I'll probably have another panic attack in the near or far future and if/when it happens, I'll come out stronger than I did this time.