somethings in life just cannot be.
im scared to fall in insert four letter word here with him. which leads me to not wanting to. because, frankly, i dont wanna get hurt. i know, im selfish. so sue me. truth is, im terrified to the bone of him hurting me. because if i fall apart or get shattered to pieces, i dont know how im gonna put myself back together. i dont know if id be able to pull myself up. and that idea, to me, is horrid. see, he played an instrumental role in picking up my damaged self &re-shaping myself into who i am now. so, if he's the one that breaks it, i have no idea what im suppose to do. &i am convinced, he will never love me the way he loved her. she was his first 'love' &first everything else. &yes, there is a difference between his firsts &mine. i remember being in high school &him emphasizing how he wanted his firsts to be special. to me, a lot of my first categories have led to 'meh' or 'whatever.' some of my firsts happened because i picked dare over truth. they were nothing to me. &even if he ever does fall in insert four letter word here with me, a lot of the time i think it wont even really be for me. itll be for her. in this subconscious unknown way; yes, yes i am scared which is why im thinking this stuff. sigh. thats one of the reasons why i want him to meet up with her. because i need to know. something. i dont know what that something is suppose to be. ill know it when i know it because itll be something that ill be able to feel. another issue is that i have no idea how easily he can be taken away from or willingly leave me. &if he ever is taken away or decides to leave, i wouldnt give him a reason--including myself--to stay. i would let him leave. i wouldnt fight for him to stay. not because i dont care or dont want him in my life but because in my experience, fighting to be someone's reason or for someone to stay in your life when they want out just leads to disappointment and hurt. and i dont want that. and all the fears building up are telling me to push him away, but im doing my best to refuse to. but everybody leaves. everybody.