(no subject)
♥ I'm practising my heart-making. If you don't know how to do it, you type & hearts ; without the spaces. Yay!
I ate my mango for lunch. Sheesh, it seemed like a lot to eat at once. I'll have a salad for dinner, and call it a successful day. :) I gave up the notion of dieting last weekend and I intend to do so again next weekend, but in between and after I'll be good - I promise! hehe
I saw my shrink, Dr. Schadenfreud, around noon. He's strange. LOL. Is it me, or are all shrinks strange. I dunno. He tends to want me to lead the way in our sessions, but frankly he's the professional and unless I have something specific to discuss, I wish he'd bring up stuff that he'd like to hear. Because evidentally hearing "Things are going well in my life. I'm working, seeing friends, doing my own thing, and I'm happy" doesn't quite cut the mustard. These are 15 minute sessions, ya'll, so it's not like I'm there to pour my damned heart out. So I give him the run-down of how I am doing and he sort of goes blank and says, "So what I'm hearing is that you don't want to talk." I'm like, "Huh?" He just stares at me.
So I say, "Well, I just told you how I'm doing. Right now I'm feeling great and I have no issues to discuss in the time we have allotted. Things are good." And I tried to smile at him gently. I think he's probably just freaked out because I'm schizophrenic, but I'm not all eyelinered and angsty. And, to be fair to him, I think he probably believes there's stuff going on that I'm hiding or whatever, because I'm schizo, but until we meet a few more times, I don't think he'll quite get that when I say I'm ok, I'm ok. And if I've got stuff to talk about, then I will.
Schizophrenics tend to hide stuff that's wrong. It's just part of the illness. I probably could have told him that I felt a little sad yesterday, even though I really had a wonderful weekend, because my kids didn't call me on Mother's Day. My ex husband really doesn't think about things like that, and I know ignoring me wasn't something he did out of malice, but it still hurt a little. I keep playing with the idea of giving my son [who will be 13 in July] a cellphone for his birthday so that whenever he wants to call me, he can. But of course, I would want B. and his wife to agree with this. I don't think Jon would abuse having it, but I'd still want them to monitor him, so he doesn't do something inappropriate like do stuff with it at school in class or something similiar.
But anyway, that's a longer conversation than the minutes the shrink and I had today, and truthfully and honestly, I have friends I can lament to, if need be. I generally don't get all worked up over things. For this situation, I can say that it hurt a little, but not enough to really make me feel the need to talk about it. You know, when you have parents like mine, who abandoned me off and on all during my life, you tend to be self-sufficient. Perhaps I'm too self-sufficient, but I'm really a pretty mellow, happy person. I'm not happy that my ex husband didn't think about my feelings, and I do wish that I could be more a part of my kids' lives, but I'm not really upset about it. At least not right now, lol. I just know that if I chose to, I could totally let go of contact with my kids and no one on their end would care in the least. I don't get that mentality, honestly. They don't meet me even a quarter of the way. I haven't seen a photograph of my kids for nearly 4 years. The only thing that upsets me about that is that I hope that the kids know how much I really love them, and I hope they won't ever think that I moved away because I didn't love or want them. And of course I will never stop being in contact with them. They are my babies!
Anyway, life turns out differently than any of us suppose and all we can do is just roll with it. And if the doc can't understand that a person can have things that go wrong inside their lives and that one can just meet each thing head on and sail over it, then I don't think he'll ever understand me. There are some things that take me down, but never for very long.
Eep! It's nearly 3pm and I haven't done One Thing at work today. o_O Mebbe I'd better actually do something work-related, huh? :D
I ate my mango for lunch. Sheesh, it seemed like a lot to eat at once. I'll have a salad for dinner, and call it a successful day. :) I gave up the notion of dieting last weekend and I intend to do so again next weekend, but in between and after I'll be good - I promise! hehe
I saw my shrink, Dr. Schadenfreud, around noon. He's strange. LOL. Is it me, or are all shrinks strange. I dunno. He tends to want me to lead the way in our sessions, but frankly he's the professional and unless I have something specific to discuss, I wish he'd bring up stuff that he'd like to hear. Because evidentally hearing "Things are going well in my life. I'm working, seeing friends, doing my own thing, and I'm happy" doesn't quite cut the mustard. These are 15 minute sessions, ya'll, so it's not like I'm there to pour my damned heart out. So I give him the run-down of how I am doing and he sort of goes blank and says, "So what I'm hearing is that you don't want to talk." I'm like, "Huh?" He just stares at me.
So I say, "Well, I just told you how I'm doing. Right now I'm feeling great and I have no issues to discuss in the time we have allotted. Things are good." And I tried to smile at him gently. I think he's probably just freaked out because I'm schizophrenic, but I'm not all eyelinered and angsty. And, to be fair to him, I think he probably believes there's stuff going on that I'm hiding or whatever, because I'm schizo, but until we meet a few more times, I don't think he'll quite get that when I say I'm ok, I'm ok. And if I've got stuff to talk about, then I will.
Schizophrenics tend to hide stuff that's wrong. It's just part of the illness. I probably could have told him that I felt a little sad yesterday, even though I really had a wonderful weekend, because my kids didn't call me on Mother's Day. My ex husband really doesn't think about things like that, and I know ignoring me wasn't something he did out of malice, but it still hurt a little. I keep playing with the idea of giving my son [who will be 13 in July] a cellphone for his birthday so that whenever he wants to call me, he can. But of course, I would want B. and his wife to agree with this. I don't think Jon would abuse having it, but I'd still want them to monitor him, so he doesn't do something inappropriate like do stuff with it at school in class or something similiar.
But anyway, that's a longer conversation than the minutes the shrink and I had today, and truthfully and honestly, I have friends I can lament to, if need be. I generally don't get all worked up over things. For this situation, I can say that it hurt a little, but not enough to really make me feel the need to talk about it. You know, when you have parents like mine, who abandoned me off and on all during my life, you tend to be self-sufficient. Perhaps I'm too self-sufficient, but I'm really a pretty mellow, happy person. I'm not happy that my ex husband didn't think about my feelings, and I do wish that I could be more a part of my kids' lives, but I'm not really upset about it. At least not right now, lol. I just know that if I chose to, I could totally let go of contact with my kids and no one on their end would care in the least. I don't get that mentality, honestly. They don't meet me even a quarter of the way. I haven't seen a photograph of my kids for nearly 4 years. The only thing that upsets me about that is that I hope that the kids know how much I really love them, and I hope they won't ever think that I moved away because I didn't love or want them. And of course I will never stop being in contact with them. They are my babies!
Anyway, life turns out differently than any of us suppose and all we can do is just roll with it. And if the doc can't understand that a person can have things that go wrong inside their lives and that one can just meet each thing head on and sail over it, then I don't think he'll ever understand me. There are some things that take me down, but never for very long.
Eep! It's nearly 3pm and I haven't done One Thing at work today. o_O Mebbe I'd better actually do something work-related, huh? :D