sexism, mysogeney and abuse are all alive and well.
Most people in Britain will have heard about the sexual exploitation Rochdale case by now along with the accusations of 70's star/charity giver Jimmy Saville molesting/raping teenage girls (and the odd boy) and just recently the case of comedian Justin Lee Collins emotionally and physically abusing his now ex girlfriend for four years and getting a whopping sentence of 140 hours of community service.
In both cases what frightens me is not just the crimes, but more so the silence. At work, I work with pre-16s and I'm constantly having training on spotting abuse, being vigilant...but nothing was reported in either of these cases, and that disturbs me.
I get so annoyed with people sheepishly shrugging and saying 'it was the culture' - yes perhaps there was a more pervasive sexism, a pat on the bum - all harmless stuff, right? Well in the 70s, I wasn't alive but I'm pretty sure the legal age of sex was still 16, and pedophilia was still disgusting and reviled...you can't blame the 70s. We made the 70s, we chose what we ignored. if we are to belive that so many people knew about his...activities...media, BBC, CPS, crown court, hospitals, I'll bet a few politicans too - no one, NO ONE said anything, even those in high positions of power. What would have happened if someone in high authority broke the silence, what could Saville have gone aside from sue them why were they so damn afraid - or worse uncaring.
Did they even particularly care what he was going as long as he made money and kept his behaviour private?
We all go on and on about protecting children and Young People, I'm bombarded left and right was going on awareness courses and that's fine with me, but the fact if we might preach about how essential it is to protect children, young people and women but we rarely practice it. We just have to look in the media after all it's a reflection of what we value really.
We express disgust when an under-age girl is abused. That's bad, we all know it. But it's completely OK for the Daily Mail to print pictures of 14 year olds in bikinis and comment on their supple figures, because it's only looking, it's only fantasy. I know it's prim and stuffy but I don't agree. A teenage boy wouldn't get oogled like that in the papers but on the flip side, abuse of boys and men is taken even less seriously than women and girls which is infuriating. If a 14/15 yr old boy - a virgin had his virginity taken by a 20 + year old woman, it would be hilarious, que lots of ribbing and MILF jokes. For a girl it's abuse - or she's just a total slut...for a man it's a badge of honour - no victim or slut status. That shouldn't be the case.
We're still no better about under age sex - just look at Roman Polinski. Sex with a 13 yr old several decades ago. Now we ALL know girls can look older, and there is a genuine case if a guy really believes the girl is over 16 he shouldn't be in prison if it was FULLY consensual on both parts, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Why do celebs still flock to him and endorse him - he's living in exile, why do people still feel the need to work with him and/or defend him.
Why do men who abuse still get to carry on with their lives as normal? Partly I suppose because no one wants to believe a man would do that - or a women, I'm not trying to pull a gender card. I know women can be as violent and cruel as men. I would hate someone accusing my brothers of violence but it doesn't mean you ignore the obvious either.
Look at Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson - all convicted of abusing their girlfriend/wife and all of them are still working. Yes Gibson is mostly down and out but he still has people like Jodie Foster willing to work with him. Brown wins awards, Sheen has a hugely popular show bouncing off his mental breakdown - great way to capitalises, plus he even gets ex wife Denise Richardson who he once *choked* he work with him, not to mention terrorising his second ex wife but that doesn't matter because Sheen is so damn hilarious and off the wall, right? There were rumours about Rhianna flirting/wanting to collaborate with Brown.
These women do a huge diservce to all women. Denise has two young daughters, of course she needs to be civil to her ex but she's also sending out a message it's ok if guys loose their temper or hurt you. Would she want one of her daughters to work with an ex who choked them. Show of hands - who would want their daughter to do that? Anyone?
I know in Hollywood money speaks, if you can bring in the dough the studio guys *really* don't care what you do in your personal life. I understand that.
What I DON'T understand is the people who are willing to work with them, why the fans - the general public are willing to part with their hard earned cash to buy their films, music etc. Brown bitches if anyone 'reminds' him about Rhianna. How dare we. It's the past, an unfortunate
event blah blah. We SHOULD care.
Women are our sisters, daughters, friends, cousins, mothers, wives...not just in a blurry sisterhood concept, each woman, child or man abused is someone to someone - they could be our relative or friend - exactly the same as a man, we wouldn't want to see our sons, brothers, husbands etc hurt either. How would WE feel if someone we loved was abused and the abuser wasn't punished, if they just happily went around with their job, possibly with a new parnter, glowing etc. Would you want things to just be OK for them, to continue in their career?
I know if I had a child who'd been abused I sure as hell wouldn't. If someone hurt my sister - or my brothers I would want them punished. I don't believe in corporal or capital punishment but I DO believe in sending a clear message - abuse is BAD. No one wants to go through feeling terrorfied, demeaned, worthless - yet we causally excuse men in the public eye. How the HELL do we expect victims to ever have the courage to come forward when we don't make a big deal of abuse when it's in the public eye? We all bleat about how terrible it is, politicians make loud noises about how unacceptable it is, but unless it hits close to home do we really care?
My mum was a victim of emotional abuse by my dad, and it gradually turned physical. My sole memory of him is him abusing her - slamming her head against the wall and stairs banister. We - my mum, baby sister, and one of my brothers ran across to road to my mum's aunt and I threw up. Next morning he was dead - died of a heart attack. I can still remember that evening. It's made me who I am today - a person who *loathes* any kind of conflict or violence, I can't watch fights on TV and will do just about anything to avoid confrontation. maybe I would have always been like that but odds are since I'm afraid it's partly informed by that night.
There was nothing amusing or dismissive about that night, my mum did nothing to deserve my dad's violence. I did nothing to deserve to see that - or be hit myself when I was apparently two (I knocked my dad's glasses off) we've lived with that night for a long time. People don't forget abuse they suffer and endure, and if you've never seen it, gone through it, it's very difficult to udnerstand.
Of course there's still the biggest question of why abuse in the first place, if we can unlock that we can hopefully stop it. Part of it is in education - men and women being taught basic respect for each other and crucially themselves. My dad wasn't a happy man, had a miserable childhood and couldn't handle the realities of a family. But those excuses only go so far. No man or woman or child should be abused. There are always justifications - if you weren't such a slag/stupid/weak/ whore/nag/bore/demanding/ whiny/frigid/embaressing/disrespectful/flirty type - I could go on, they wouldn't do it, but they would. trust me. Abusers don't just stick to one person. Others will follow.
We need to educate about abuse, why people do it, how to recognise and stop it but we also need to educate abusers because guys like Brown don't learn, how can they when people are still OK with it. We need abusers to take responsibility, be man or woman enough to stand up and admit what they did and that it was wrong because there actions don't just affect one person, they affect many - including themselves.
No one who's happy with themselves, in my opinion would be so full of hatred they'd attack others they supposedly love.
It affected many people my dad's abuse. The victims/survivors who are able to leave abuse don't forget about it. Neither should we.
In both cases what frightens me is not just the crimes, but more so the silence. At work, I work with pre-16s and I'm constantly having training on spotting abuse, being vigilant...but nothing was reported in either of these cases, and that disturbs me.
I get so annoyed with people sheepishly shrugging and saying 'it was the culture' - yes perhaps there was a more pervasive sexism, a pat on the bum - all harmless stuff, right? Well in the 70s, I wasn't alive but I'm pretty sure the legal age of sex was still 16, and pedophilia was still disgusting and reviled...you can't blame the 70s. We made the 70s, we chose what we ignored. if we are to belive that so many people knew about his...activities...media, BBC, CPS, crown court, hospitals, I'll bet a few politicans too - no one, NO ONE said anything, even those in high positions of power. What would have happened if someone in high authority broke the silence, what could Saville have gone aside from sue them why were they so damn afraid - or worse uncaring.
Did they even particularly care what he was going as long as he made money and kept his behaviour private?
We all go on and on about protecting children and Young People, I'm bombarded left and right was going on awareness courses and that's fine with me, but the fact if we might preach about how essential it is to protect children, young people and women but we rarely practice it. We just have to look in the media after all it's a reflection of what we value really.
We express disgust when an under-age girl is abused. That's bad, we all know it. But it's completely OK for the Daily Mail to print pictures of 14 year olds in bikinis and comment on their supple figures, because it's only looking, it's only fantasy. I know it's prim and stuffy but I don't agree. A teenage boy wouldn't get oogled like that in the papers but on the flip side, abuse of boys and men is taken even less seriously than women and girls which is infuriating. If a 14/15 yr old boy - a virgin had his virginity taken by a 20 + year old woman, it would be hilarious, que lots of ribbing and MILF jokes. For a girl it's abuse - or she's just a total slut...for a man it's a badge of honour - no victim or slut status. That shouldn't be the case.
We're still no better about under age sex - just look at Roman Polinski. Sex with a 13 yr old several decades ago. Now we ALL know girls can look older, and there is a genuine case if a guy really believes the girl is over 16 he shouldn't be in prison if it was FULLY consensual on both parts, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Why do celebs still flock to him and endorse him - he's living in exile, why do people still feel the need to work with him and/or defend him.
Why do men who abuse still get to carry on with their lives as normal? Partly I suppose because no one wants to believe a man would do that - or a women, I'm not trying to pull a gender card. I know women can be as violent and cruel as men. I would hate someone accusing my brothers of violence but it doesn't mean you ignore the obvious either.
Look at Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson - all convicted of abusing their girlfriend/wife and all of them are still working. Yes Gibson is mostly down and out but he still has people like Jodie Foster willing to work with him. Brown wins awards, Sheen has a hugely popular show bouncing off his mental breakdown - great way to capitalises, plus he even gets ex wife Denise Richardson who he once *choked* he work with him, not to mention terrorising his second ex wife but that doesn't matter because Sheen is so damn hilarious and off the wall, right? There were rumours about Rhianna flirting/wanting to collaborate with Brown.
These women do a huge diservce to all women. Denise has two young daughters, of course she needs to be civil to her ex but she's also sending out a message it's ok if guys loose their temper or hurt you. Would she want one of her daughters to work with an ex who choked them. Show of hands - who would want their daughter to do that? Anyone?
I know in Hollywood money speaks, if you can bring in the dough the studio guys *really* don't care what you do in your personal life. I understand that.
What I DON'T understand is the people who are willing to work with them, why the fans - the general public are willing to part with their hard earned cash to buy their films, music etc. Brown bitches if anyone 'reminds' him about Rhianna. How dare we. It's the past, an unfortunate
event blah blah. We SHOULD care.
Women are our sisters, daughters, friends, cousins, mothers, wives...not just in a blurry sisterhood concept, each woman, child or man abused is someone to someone - they could be our relative or friend - exactly the same as a man, we wouldn't want to see our sons, brothers, husbands etc hurt either. How would WE feel if someone we loved was abused and the abuser wasn't punished, if they just happily went around with their job, possibly with a new parnter, glowing etc. Would you want things to just be OK for them, to continue in their career?
I know if I had a child who'd been abused I sure as hell wouldn't. If someone hurt my sister - or my brothers I would want them punished. I don't believe in corporal or capital punishment but I DO believe in sending a clear message - abuse is BAD. No one wants to go through feeling terrorfied, demeaned, worthless - yet we causally excuse men in the public eye. How the HELL do we expect victims to ever have the courage to come forward when we don't make a big deal of abuse when it's in the public eye? We all bleat about how terrible it is, politicians make loud noises about how unacceptable it is, but unless it hits close to home do we really care?
My mum was a victim of emotional abuse by my dad, and it gradually turned physical. My sole memory of him is him abusing her - slamming her head against the wall and stairs banister. We - my mum, baby sister, and one of my brothers ran across to road to my mum's aunt and I threw up. Next morning he was dead - died of a heart attack. I can still remember that evening. It's made me who I am today - a person who *loathes* any kind of conflict or violence, I can't watch fights on TV and will do just about anything to avoid confrontation. maybe I would have always been like that but odds are since I'm afraid it's partly informed by that night.
There was nothing amusing or dismissive about that night, my mum did nothing to deserve my dad's violence. I did nothing to deserve to see that - or be hit myself when I was apparently two (I knocked my dad's glasses off) we've lived with that night for a long time. People don't forget abuse they suffer and endure, and if you've never seen it, gone through it, it's very difficult to udnerstand.
Of course there's still the biggest question of why abuse in the first place, if we can unlock that we can hopefully stop it. Part of it is in education - men and women being taught basic respect for each other and crucially themselves. My dad wasn't a happy man, had a miserable childhood and couldn't handle the realities of a family. But those excuses only go so far. No man or woman or child should be abused. There are always justifications - if you weren't such a slag/stupid/weak/ whore/nag/bore/demanding/ whiny/frigid/embaressing/disrespectful/flirty type - I could go on, they wouldn't do it, but they would. trust me. Abusers don't just stick to one person. Others will follow.
We need to educate about abuse, why people do it, how to recognise and stop it but we also need to educate abusers because guys like Brown don't learn, how can they when people are still OK with it. We need abusers to take responsibility, be man or woman enough to stand up and admit what they did and that it was wrong because there actions don't just affect one person, they affect many - including themselves.
No one who's happy with themselves, in my opinion would be so full of hatred they'd attack others they supposedly love.
It affected many people my dad's abuse. The victims/survivors who are able to leave abuse don't forget about it. Neither should we.