Fic: Once More With Feeling, Chapter 11/14
Title: Once More With Feeling (11/14+Epilogue)
Rating: R
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, Blaine/Sebastian
Spoilers: -
Warnings:
Word Count: ~5700
Summary: After a long year of separation, things are finally looking up for Kurt and Blaine. They're ready to start their lives together in New York as an engaged couple. Everything is perfect.
Until it's suddenly not.
Torn apart by forces beyond their understanding, they find themselves alone, facing a world that is just not quite right anymore. A second first meeting of strangers on a staircase brings another chance for love, but is that chance enough for them to find their way back to each other, and can they break the spell before it's too late?
Disclaimer: The characters aren't my property, neither are any song lyrics within this story, just borrowing it all for a bit.
Notes: And another one, it's getting closer.
In this chapter Sebastian asks the right questions but won't like the answers, the fairy godmother makes her appearance, and Blaine knows exactly what he has to do, but finds that things aren't that easy after all.
Previously
Chapter 11 - More Than I Can Say
The dark beat of music, a pounding base going right into his bones... there was danger, immediate, although he couldn't quite tell what it was yet. A never-ending stream of “wrong” was running through his veins, making his skin crawl. He wanted to run, get away as fast as possible, but what was holding him back?
And then it was not only a feeling keeping him here, but what felt like ropes holding him in place. He struggled, tore away eventually, and then he was running. He wasn't sure what it was, but something had given him an out, a chance to get away, and he had to take it. He was running, as fast as he could. His breath was burning in his throat, but far ahead he could see light, an escape maybe? There was the frame of a door, light shining through, and somehow he knew if only he could get through, he would be safe, it would be over. There was the silhouette of a man in the door, and he was running faster, towards the figure. If only he could reach...
And then there were hands on him, pulling him back, turning him around, for a second he could see a face...
Something was flying at him, an angry red, and he found himself screaming, his voice breaking, and...
Blaine was still screaming as he surged upwards, away from pillows and a blanket that felt like it was suffocating him. He tried to push it off, but somehow he had gotten tangled in it. He had to get away, his skin was buzzing with panic, he couldn't stay here...
“Blaine!”
There was a voice, somebody calling for him as if from far away, but his mind was still too focused on getting away, far away from the red, and then... arms enclosing him, pulling him against a warm body, and the voice kept talking, and though Blaine couldn't discern the words, the tone was soothing, calming as if to talk him down from the ledge. Slowly, the words sank in.
“...it's okay, you're safe, nothing is going to happen to you, it was just a dream. Come on, please, snap out of it, Blaine...”
He pulled back, and the arms around him loosened, didn't try to stop him, although they didn't let him go completely. Blaine looked up now, and there was Kurt, his face so worried he almost looked scared, and there were even tears in his eyes. His heart clenched. He was here, with Kurt, and he was safe. Had he gotten away?
“Kurt...” His voice was breaking on the single word, but then again, there wasn't anything else he could think of saying.
“Are you okay?” Kurt asked. His voice was even higher than before, but his hands on Blaine's arms were firm and secure. All he could think of was to rush forward, into the open arms, burying his face against Kurt's skin, not fighting anymore but just letting himself fall, knowing he would get caught. Kurt's arms came up around him immediately, pulled him in and held him close. It felt safe and real. He was still shaking from the nightmares, in a distant way he could feel that there were tears on his face - but the overwhelming fear was fading, Kurt's arms and voice were keeping him grounded, and gradually, he was calming down.
Eventually, he stopped shaking, and Kurt was still there, warm and solid, now humming instead of speaking, but it was just as soothing.
“I'm sorry,” Blaine said. His voice was hoarse, but it had been worse.
“What for?” Kurt asked.
Blaine shrugged weakly. “This, just now? I didn't want you to see me like that.”
“It's fine,” Kurt said, “but... Blaine, what was that? You kind of scared me.”
Blaine inhaled deeply and withdrew from Kurt. Even the few inches felt like too much distance and immediately a shudder ran down his spine. But Kurt gave him the space, just took his hand as a connection. Blaine intertwined their fingers without even thinking.
“It's just nightmares,” he said softly. “I have them sometimes.” He wasn't sure how to continue. The more he calmed down, the more embarrassed he got. What would Kurt think of him now, that he was a complete nutcase?
“Blaine... that wasn't just a nightmare,” Kurt said.
“I know, it's just... I don't have a better word for them,” Blaine said. “I don't talk about this a lot, but...” He looked up, again wondering how he should continue. Kurt was looking at him directly, and his thumb was softly stroking over Blaine's hand. It was enough to give him the necessary courage to continue. “When I was in high school... before Dalton, at my old school, there was this Sadie Hawkins dance. I asked another boy to go with me. We were just friends, and we... we didn't even do anything. But when we were waiting for his dad to pick us up, these guys found us, and they...” He hesitated, but Kurt squeezed his hand and he continued. “They beat the crap out of us. It was... really bad. I was in the hospital and then physical therapy so long, I even had to take that year again. It's the reason my parents sent me to Dalton. I thought I'd be over it by now, but I'm still having those nightmares.”
For a moment they were silent, until Kurt spoke up again. “You haven't been having these nightmares since then, though?” he asked.
“I... don't think so,” Blaine said frowning. “I had them for a few weeks after the dance, but then I got better. Dalton really helped. It's just recently that they came back... ever since I moved to New York, I think. I feel like it's getting worse lately.”
“That's why you look exhausted so much,” Kurt said softly.
Blaine shrugged again.
“I wish I could do something to help you,” Kurt said. He looked like he was about to cry as well. Blaine felt his own heart clench at the sight. Involuntarily, he put his hands on Kurt's cheeks to make the other boy look at him.
“You are,” he said as emphatically as he could, “I mean, there's nothing you can do about the nightmares, but you've been helping me so much, you have no idea, Kurt...”
Kurt laughed, although it half sounded like a sob. “I was actually trying to comfort you here,” he said.
“I guess we can always comfort each other?” Blaine suggested.
“Oh, just come here,” Kurt said and pulled him closer, back into the embrace.
They didn't talk much after that. But Blaine couldn't stop thinking while Kurt held him close. He should apologize for all this, but it had really helped that Kurt was so calm about everything and didn't freak out the least. It felt... safe and comfortable, a big difference to the feeling of fear and restlessness that usually kept him awake after these nightmares. Another rare thing was that here, in Kurt's embrace, he actually felt comfortable inside his own skin. Could it actually be this easy?
Even as the thought came to his mind, Blaine knew it was wrong. This wasn't easy. This was complicated, and in a way a betrayal. This, right there, was cheating on his boyfriend, and he should feel awful about it.
But right now, the aftershock of the nightmare still fading from his mind, he decided he would deal with it later. Right now, he could only focus on the feeling of safety, and if that was directly connected to Kurt being close, then this too would be something that could wait till tomorrow.
It usually took Sebastian about an hour spent at the Smythe house to remember just why he wasn't close to his family. His parents had split up years ago in a divorce that Sebastian was sure made the war of the roses look like a pre-school fight. His father had kept the house in Ohio where Sebastian's younger brother still lived - cared for and nurtured by nannies during the few weeks in the year he didn't spend at a private boarding school similar to Dalton - while his mother had returned to her family home in France. Sebastian had never really gotten along with his brother. It wasn't animosity, they just didn't care about each other the least. Their father wasn't home a lot either, preferring to spend his time on business trips.
It wasn't a bad thing. The less they talked, the less they fought, and at least the financial connection was stable.
Thanksgiving hadn't ever been a big deal for the family, but it had proven as a good excuse for why he had to go to Ohio. As he made his way through the house's corridors, Sebastian felt a pang of guilt as he thought of Blaine, alone back in New York. Sebastian really had expected he would go to Ohio as well and spend Thanksgiving with his own family, but then again whatever Blaine's relationship to his parents had been before, it had completely frozen after the spell.
When Sebastian had first heard that Blaine had expected them to stay in New York, he'd felt bad. He had actually considered canceling his trip to Ohio in the hope that spending more time together might help them get closer. But so far, any attempt in that direction hadn't helped, and during Thanksgiving he had the best chance to catch Nerida. In the end, he had decided getting more information about the spell was also in Blaine's best interest.
He found her in the study, sitting with his younger brother Eugene. She was wearing a gown in several tones of dark blue, her usual attire, and her dark hair, streaked with silver, was cascading in waves down her shoulder. He couldn't see her face, but he knew there were hardly any lines around her bright blue eyes, giving her a look of undefined age. Eugene was sitting with her, still as bland as usual. There was a bit of resemblance between the brothers, but he had always seemed a bit undefined. They seemed to be studying, which was something she had never done with him, and they seemed to get along well. Sebastian frowned. This was something he didn't like at all. He didn't know how fairy godmothers worked in particular, but he was aware that she was bound to the same bloodline. Right now, she was still technically bound to their mother, but eventually she would pick either him or his brother as her next charge. Sebastian had counted on her choosing him once the time came. Seeing them together like this was... concerning.
He cleared his throat as he stepped into the study.
“Nerida, do you have a moment?” he asked, ignoring his younger brother completely.
She turned around and raised a silver eyebrow. “Sebastian,” she said. It was almost a drawl. “So nice of you to drop by over thanksgiving. Is this actually you developing some family sensibilities?”
“Actually, I'm here to talk to you,” Sebastian said, “we have to discuss that... favor you've arranged for me. Something has come up.”
“I can't imagine what could have possibly gone wrong,” Nerida said.
Sebastian's temper flared up, but he managed to keep it in check. “Nothing has gone wrong,” he said, “but there are complications.”
For a moment, Nerida looked at him, as if daring him to blink first. He didn't, and eventually she sighed and turned away. “Eugene, if you'll excuse us.”
Eugene had watched between them, but at Nerida's instruction he nodded and walked out of the study, not even looking at Sebastian. Even with seven years between them, Sebastian couldn't really believe the two of them were related. He himself never would have given in this quickly.
“So, Sebastian,” Nerida said, “I assume your visit is connected to how the magic still hasn't been stabilized?”
“It is,” Sebastian said as he sat down opposite her. “Why the hell isn't it stable yet?”
Nerida sighed, and from the look on her face she was already bored with the conversation. “I believe I gave you an accurate description about what you had to expect once the curse hit.”
“You said everything would be set up, but it wouldn't be stable yet,” Sebastian said, “which is why I still remember how things were before the spell, and also why Blaine has been so... affected, since. But you also said once I stabilize it, this new reality couldn't be changed anymore, and then I'd forget those old memories. It's been months, Nerida. I've kissed him a million times! But I still have two sets of memories, and Blaine is still sleepwalking through his life. What the hell has gone wrong?”
“Well, the obvious answer is that you haven't stabilized it yet,” Nerida said.
“You said a kiss would stabilize it,” Sebastian said. Even to his own ears it sounded more like a petulant child than a mature adult.
“I said true love's kiss would stabilize it,” Nerida said, “honestly, didn't I read you enough fairy tales when you were a child? It's the classic solution.”
“I told you, I kissed him!”
“True love's kiss, Sebastian,” Nerida said, “really, it's not that hard a concept. But fine, if you need it spelled out for you, let me explain: what's between you and that boy isn't true love.”
“I do love him!” Sebastian protested. “I changed reality to be with him! And he loves me too, he said so!”
“Of course he said that,” Nerida said, “did you forget you had me put a curse on him?”
“Spell!”, Sebastian hissed.
“Call it whatever you want, it doesn't change what it did. You brought him into a relationship with you, and you made him believe that he loves you. Just because he thinks so, doesn't make it true.”
Sebastian recoiled as if he had been slapped, and cursed himself immediately for being so obvious. He had suspected something like this, but it still hurt to hear it.
“I can't give you any more information than I already did,” Nerida continued, “but the curse won't be stable until you share true love's kiss with him. And as long as it's not stable, it can still be overthrown.”
“How?” Sebastian asked.
Nerida rolled her eyes. “Use your brain,” she said, “but if it helps, I doubt it will come to that.”
“Why?”
“Because the curse won't hold that long,” Nerida said. “Oh, don't look at me like that. The curse is unstable now, and I told you that takes a lot of energy. If things progress the way they did so far, the source of its energy will run out before it's stable.”
“The source...” Sebastian repeated, and he could feel the blood rush from his face when he remembered the day they designed the spell. “Blaine?”
Nerida shrugged. “It was your decision,” she said, “you could have taken it onto yourself, but...”
“I thought I'd stabilize it before that ever became an issue,” Sebastian said.
“Well, how did that work?” Nerida asked. “No, really, how is it working?”
“You know how it's working,” Sebastian ground out.
“Well, how is the boy doing, health-wise?” Nerida asked. “Any problems? Fainting, seizures, general weakness, unexpected bleeding?”
“Nosebleeds,” Sebastian answered, and slowly a feeling of dread started to fill him, “and a lot of migraines. And really intense nightmares.”
“Nightmares? Still?” Nerida asked. “That's impressive.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the bleeding and the migraines are obvious. The curse is connected to him and drains his energy, so that's just him getting weaker. The nightmares are different.”
“Different how?” Sebastian asked.
“Dreams come from the subconscious,” Nerida explained, “so him having night terrors is to be expected in the beginning - it's a sign that his subconscious is fighting the fake reality the curse has given him. But as you said, it's been months - months of the curse siphoning his energy. And yet, he's still fighting it. That is really impressive.”
“Whatever,” Sebastian ground out, “just tell me what I can do.”
“I already told you,” Nerida replied, “there are three possibilities. One, you stabilize the curse and do it soon, with true love's kiss, which means you have to make him fall in love with you - but seeing how far you've come, I wouldn't bet on it. Two, the curse is broken, but that's just about as likely as option one. And finally three, the curse runs out of energy and ends.”
“And Blaine?” Sebastian asked, although he feared what the answer would be.
“He might survive,” Nerida said, “probably won't. But even if he does - and that's a big if - it won't be much of a life”
Sebastian sank back into the chair. His whole body felt cold. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. All he had wanted was to be with Blaine. He had thought he'd be fine with how things were. He even had agreed to help Blaine with his proposal. After the way things had gone down with Hunter he had thought this was his last chance to prove to Blaine he wasn't a bad guy. At the time, it had seemed enough to salvage the tiniest chance of them becoming friends - and to be honest, he hadn't expected Hummel to actually say yes. Even as the Warblers had rehearsed their part, Sebastian had been thinking of how things would develop, how crushed Blaine would be by the rejection, and how much he'd need comfort, and who would be there to give it?
Of course, Sebastian had been wrong, but at first he thought even that could be okay. At least he had saved the chance of being friends. But during the weeks after the engagement he had realized he had fooled himself. He could only watch from afar how happy Blaine was, even if he didn't get to spend much time with his fiancé. Even his hope for friendship had been too much, apparently - Blaine only answered Sebastian's messages very reluctantly, and never agreed to meet him. Eventually, Sebastian had been forced to realize that he couldn't even have Blaine as a friend - and if he stopped lying to himself for even a moment, he had absolutely no interest in being friends with Blaine, anyway. He thought the spell would be the solution to all of his problems. He'd get to be with Blaine, get rid of Hummel completely, and once he'd stabilize the spell, they could be happy.
But Blaine wasn't happy, he didn't love Sebastian, and the spell was slowly killing him. It should have been perfect, and now? Here he was, with the relationship he had wanted more than anything else - and everything was just wrong.
“Does he even want to be with me?” Sebastian asked.
“You put a curse on him to even get him into this relationship,” Nerida said, “what do you think?”
Sebastian gulped against the bile rising in his throat. “But... he isn't forced to be with me, right? He could.... he would leave if he wanted to?”
“He could leave if he wanted to,” Nerida answered his actual question, “of course, the problem here is actually wanting that. See, the one thing he knows for certain is that he loves you - that's knowledge the curse planted in his mind, just as he knows that the earth circles the sun. Apparently, love is important to him. So, yes, if you screw up so bad that he realizes he actually wants to leave you - he'll leave you. Not sure how much it would take to make him see that, though. And even if he did... what good would it do him? The curse would continue to drain his energy. It wouldn't change a thing. Sooner or later, he'd just drop dead.”
“You were supposed to help me!” Sebastian yelled. “This is not what I wanted!”
“It's what you got,” Nerida said uncaringly. “Now if you'd excuse me? I do have better things to do than repeat everything I told you already.”
As she stood, Sebastian stayed in his seat, letting everything she said run through his head again. This wasn't what he wanted - he had wanted the both of them to be happy together. There was nothing wrong with that, was there?
Except...
There was still one way to make things right. If the spell was stable... then they'd be happy. Blaine would be happy too, happy and safe. It was the only chance he left. And the first thing he had to do to make sure of that was to get rid of Hummel.
Kurt fiddled with his cup, as he was sitting at the coffee shop, glancing at his watch. It was the week after thanksgiving, and he was waiting for Blaine. They only talked for a short time when they got coffee before their classes on Monday, but the interaction had been more than a little awkward. Kurt knew they'd have to talk about what happened at thanksgiving between them, and their meetings before class certainly weren't the right setting.
But now as he was waiting for Blaine, he couldn't help but be nervous.
They hadn't talked when Blaine had left on Friday, either. They had hugged, and Blaine had looked calm, but that was three days ago, and in the meantime, Sebastian had returned to New York, and Blaine had had way too much time to think. Kurt had spent most of today and yesterday trying to prepare himself for the expected “it was a mistake”, “we should just be friends” or even “I think we shouldn't see each other anymore”. Of course, he was hoping that Blaine would have come to his senses and leave Sebastian - but with the curse still firmly in place, Kurt realized that this was only wishful thinking.
He looked up at the sound of the door opening, just as he had for the last dozen times. Unlike those times, it was finally Blaine entering the coffee shop. Kurt gripped his cup tighter, steeling himself for what was about to come. He could already tell it wouldn't be good, just from looking at Blaine - he looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but here. Blaine stopped, and Kurt could see him take a deep breath, putting on a brave face, before looking around.
And then, their eyes met. Kurt felt his breath hitch. Blaine's eyes widened, and for a moment they just stared at each other. Blaine's whole face lit up, subtly but unmistakably, as he took in Kurt's sight, and his mouth opened in a silent “oh“. Kurt didn't dare to interrupt their eye contact, but somehow, he felt hopeful. The way Blaine was looking at him, Kurt couldn't imagine him breaking things off.
The moment was broken, when somebody crossed their line of sight. When Kurt saw him again, Blaine looked as if he had just woken up from a dream. He shook his head quickly, and then he was walking up to the table. Kurt stood up as he came close enough, and a moment later they were in an embrace.
After what felt like minutes, Blaine stepped back.
“Hey,” he said, and for a moment he looked at Kurt with his eyes full of emotion, before he sat down at their table. Kurt closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself.
“Hey,” he replied, as he sat down with him, “so... we should probably talk.”
“Talk, right,” Blaine said. “You know, I had it all planned out what I was going to say to you... I had half a speech ready.”
“Am I going to hear it?” Kurt asked.
Blaine sighed. “I don't know,” he said. “I thought I had it all figured out, but honestly? I don't.”
As helpless as Blaine sounded, it was still better than what Kurt had expected to hear. Relieved, he put his hand onto Blaine's. “It's okay,” he said.
“No, it's not!” To Kurt's disappointment, Blaine withdrew his hand. “I was going to tell you we can't see each other anymore.”
That was more in the line of what Kurt had expected, but it still hurt.
“I kept telling myself that I could just be your friend, and it would be fine,” Blaine continued, “but... I can't. I spent the whole weekend worrying about what I was going to do, and then Sebastian came back from Ohio yesterday and... he was really different. I know he kept saying he was trying, but suddenly he actually was, and all I could think of was you, and that I should feel horrible about us, but I didn't. And I... I don't understand it, Kurt. I'm not... This isn't me. This isn't something I do, not really. But I...” He paused and ran a hand through his hair - judging from the state of it not for the first time today. “I cheated on my boyfriend,” he said, “that's a really awful thing to do. But I'm just worried about what I'm going to do next. I don't even feel that bad about it... what does that even say about me?”
“Nothing.”
Blaine looked up at the vehemence with which that single word was spoken, but Kurt couldn't help it. This hit too close to home for him. They were fine - or had been fine before the curse - but it wasn't a subject Kurt wanted to discuss any further than they already had, and he definitely couldn't just sit here and listen to how Sebastian was a wronged party in this. Sebastian didn't deserve any pity, he deserved to get a salad fork stuck in his eye.
“It says nothing about you,” Kurt repeated and took Blaine's hand again despite minor resistance. “But it does say something about your relationship.”
“I screwed up, of course it is about me,” Blaine said. “I cheated on him, how is that Sebastian's fault?”
Kurt sighed. He didn't want to have this conversation. It reminded him way too much about why he and Blaine had broken up a year ago, and honestly, even thinking about that time was still painful. But this was not about them, or their relationship, this was about Sebastian brainwashing Blaine. Kurt had to convince him that in this case, he hadn't done something horrible. But he felt like walking a very fine line if he was trying not to sound like a complete hypocrite.
“Let's start with how Sebastian cheated on you, too, more than once, and still doesn't seem really sorry about that,” Kurt said. This wast safe, not something they had to deal with themselves.
“So what, he cheated on me, now I get a blank check?” Blaine asked. “You can't be serious.”
“That's not what I meant,” Kurt said, “of course that's not how it works, why would you think that's what I meant?”
Blaine's outrage deflated and he sank back in his chair. “Actually, I think Sebastian sees it that way.”
“You mean if it wasn't me?”
“Actually, he thinks that has already happened,” Blaine said. “Remember when I stayed at your place after I found out about him and his... study partners? When I came home the next day he was convinced that you and I hooked up.”
“What?” Kurt sputtered. “And you let him believe that?”
“I told him he was insane,” Blaine said. He frowned as if he had to think hard, but then he shook his head. “He figured I... 'needed to get it out of my system'. Whatever that means.”
“I can't believe this guy,” Kurt muttered and ran a hand through his hair. “But that was actually not the point I was trying to make.”
“Then what is?” Blaine asked. “Because I could really use some advice here.”
“Don't you see?” Kurt asked. “Sebastian cheating on you doesn't surprise me. He's a bastard. No, don't defend him, you know it's true. But you cheated on him, too, and no, that doesn't fit who you are. I don't think you'd do that if everything was alright in your relationship. I mean, maybe you should try to talk about how you feel once in a while, because honestly, people can't read your mind, Blaine, and I get that you don't want to complain, but you tend to build things up in your head until they seem a million times worse than they actually are, and then you overreact and do something really stupid, that could have easily been prevented if you'd just talk to me!”
Finally, he'd run out of breath. Blaine stared at him wide-eyed and uncertain. Kurt reviewed what he'd said and wished the earth would swallow him up.
“Him. Talk to him. Or... you know, anybody. But... talk.”
“Were you really talking about this situation right now?” Blaine asked carefully.
“Maybe. No. I don't know,” Kurt said. “But it's true, and you should think about this.”
“I'll try...” Blaine said. “So... I should talk to him? But I don't even know what's wrong.”
“I kind of got off-track there,” Kurt said, “what I was actually going for is this: you slept with me, because you wanted to - but you wouldn't have if your relationship was actually good, something that made you happy. And again, Sebastian wasn't faithful to you, either. Have you ever thought about whether this relationship is actually good for you, or even something you still want?”
Blaine looked down. “I love him, I know I do,” he said. His voice was low and almost sounded defeated, but there was an unwavering certainty in it that went like an arrow straight into Kurt's heart.
“So you keep saying,” Kurt said. At least he didn't sound as bitter as he felt. Not quite as bitter at least.
“You think I'm lying?”
“No, I'm sure you believe it,” Kurt said, “but that doesn't mean it's true.”
“So you think I don't know what I'm feeling?” Blaine asked.
Kurt could tell he was getting defensive, and that wasn't something he could go up against. He took a deep breath to calm himself down, before he started talking. Blaine wasn't the only one who could prepare speeches.
“I'm saying that things change - feelings change, and just because something was true at one point, doesn't mean it will be that way forever. You've been with him for how long? Didn't you say two years? And that it's your first serious relationship?”
Even saying these lies out loud left a bitter taste in Kurt's mouth, but he had to put that aside now. Blaine was still frowning, even as he nodded, but he was listening now.
“Just because it worked back at Dalton, doesn't mean it will work here in New York. People change, and going to college is such a big cut. I'm not saying you don't care about Sebastian, but did you ever even consider if your feelings for him are still just as they were back then? Or if this relationship is actually making you happy? Because... you weren't happy with him. And that is not about me or anybody else, that is just about you and him. When we met, you were miserable. That relationship was making you miserable. And you deserve to be happy, Blaine. Can you even remember the last time you were?”
Blaine gulped visibly, but he didn't take his eyes off Kurt for even a second.
“I...” he started, but broke off. It took him a few more breaths until he continued. “Not with Sebastian, no.”
“Blaine...” He looked so lost that Kurt couldn't help but reach out to him. “Why are you putting yourself through this?”
Blaine pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair once more. By now, there were only a few sad remains of gel left. “I know that I love him...” he said.
“Why do you always say it like that?” Kurt asked. “Love isn't something you know, it's something you feel.”
“What I feel...” Blaine sighed and shook his head, slowly looking up. “I do have feelings for you, Kurt. I've basically been denying it since we met, but I do. When I'm with you? You make me feel happy... and safe... and alive. I feel like I've been sleepwalking through my life, and then you turn up and wake me up. But this... it's not easy, Kurt. I've been with Sebastian for two years - that's not something I can just throw away. It hasn't been easy for him, either - I'm not easy. I have so much baggage, sometimes I can't even function. I'm still dealing with things that happened years ago, I wake up screaming on a regular base, I get these migraines, sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin... and he's been there all the time, even when things were rough. I just... I don't know what to do. I really, honestly don't have any idea what to do.”
“Just... come here,” Kurt muttered and pulled the other boy against himself in a half embrace. “I know this is hard for you. Look, I'm not going to tell you to choose. I just want you to be okay, Blaine. And right now... I don't think you are. I'll admit I'm biased, but I don't think being with Sebastian is something that's good for you. Just... think about what you really want, okay? And no matter what you come up with - I'll be here. I'll be with you, definitely as your friend, and maybe as whatever you want me to be, but you got me. I won't leave you. Just... think about this, okay?”
Blaine nodded weakly. “Thank you,” he said. “I just... I need some time to think about all this. I'm sorry, I don't want to lead you on or anything, you deserve better, it's just...”
“I get it,” Kurt said. “Take your time. Just promise me you will think about it.”
“I will,” Blaine said, “thank you. You're... god, I really don't deserve you.”
For a moment Kurt considered a sarcastic answer, but he decided against it. “Well, you got me, anyway,” he said instead, “and I promise I will not give up on you.”
Next Chapter
Rating: R
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, Blaine/Sebastian
Spoilers: -
Warnings:
Word Count: ~5700
Summary: After a long year of separation, things are finally looking up for Kurt and Blaine. They're ready to start their lives together in New York as an engaged couple. Everything is perfect.
Until it's suddenly not.
Torn apart by forces beyond their understanding, they find themselves alone, facing a world that is just not quite right anymore. A second first meeting of strangers on a staircase brings another chance for love, but is that chance enough for them to find their way back to each other, and can they break the spell before it's too late?
Disclaimer: The characters aren't my property, neither are any song lyrics within this story, just borrowing it all for a bit.
Notes: And another one, it's getting closer.
In this chapter Sebastian asks the right questions but won't like the answers, the fairy godmother makes her appearance, and Blaine knows exactly what he has to do, but finds that things aren't that easy after all.
Previously
Chapter 11 - More Than I Can Say
The dark beat of music, a pounding base going right into his bones... there was danger, immediate, although he couldn't quite tell what it was yet. A never-ending stream of “wrong” was running through his veins, making his skin crawl. He wanted to run, get away as fast as possible, but what was holding him back?
And then it was not only a feeling keeping him here, but what felt like ropes holding him in place. He struggled, tore away eventually, and then he was running. He wasn't sure what it was, but something had given him an out, a chance to get away, and he had to take it. He was running, as fast as he could. His breath was burning in his throat, but far ahead he could see light, an escape maybe? There was the frame of a door, light shining through, and somehow he knew if only he could get through, he would be safe, it would be over. There was the silhouette of a man in the door, and he was running faster, towards the figure. If only he could reach...
And then there were hands on him, pulling him back, turning him around, for a second he could see a face...
Something was flying at him, an angry red, and he found himself screaming, his voice breaking, and...
Blaine was still screaming as he surged upwards, away from pillows and a blanket that felt like it was suffocating him. He tried to push it off, but somehow he had gotten tangled in it. He had to get away, his skin was buzzing with panic, he couldn't stay here...
“Blaine!”
There was a voice, somebody calling for him as if from far away, but his mind was still too focused on getting away, far away from the red, and then... arms enclosing him, pulling him against a warm body, and the voice kept talking, and though Blaine couldn't discern the words, the tone was soothing, calming as if to talk him down from the ledge. Slowly, the words sank in.
“...it's okay, you're safe, nothing is going to happen to you, it was just a dream. Come on, please, snap out of it, Blaine...”
He pulled back, and the arms around him loosened, didn't try to stop him, although they didn't let him go completely. Blaine looked up now, and there was Kurt, his face so worried he almost looked scared, and there were even tears in his eyes. His heart clenched. He was here, with Kurt, and he was safe. Had he gotten away?
“Kurt...” His voice was breaking on the single word, but then again, there wasn't anything else he could think of saying.
“Are you okay?” Kurt asked. His voice was even higher than before, but his hands on Blaine's arms were firm and secure. All he could think of was to rush forward, into the open arms, burying his face against Kurt's skin, not fighting anymore but just letting himself fall, knowing he would get caught. Kurt's arms came up around him immediately, pulled him in and held him close. It felt safe and real. He was still shaking from the nightmares, in a distant way he could feel that there were tears on his face - but the overwhelming fear was fading, Kurt's arms and voice were keeping him grounded, and gradually, he was calming down.
Eventually, he stopped shaking, and Kurt was still there, warm and solid, now humming instead of speaking, but it was just as soothing.
“I'm sorry,” Blaine said. His voice was hoarse, but it had been worse.
“What for?” Kurt asked.
Blaine shrugged weakly. “This, just now? I didn't want you to see me like that.”
“It's fine,” Kurt said, “but... Blaine, what was that? You kind of scared me.”
Blaine inhaled deeply and withdrew from Kurt. Even the few inches felt like too much distance and immediately a shudder ran down his spine. But Kurt gave him the space, just took his hand as a connection. Blaine intertwined their fingers without even thinking.
“It's just nightmares,” he said softly. “I have them sometimes.” He wasn't sure how to continue. The more he calmed down, the more embarrassed he got. What would Kurt think of him now, that he was a complete nutcase?
“Blaine... that wasn't just a nightmare,” Kurt said.
“I know, it's just... I don't have a better word for them,” Blaine said. “I don't talk about this a lot, but...” He looked up, again wondering how he should continue. Kurt was looking at him directly, and his thumb was softly stroking over Blaine's hand. It was enough to give him the necessary courage to continue. “When I was in high school... before Dalton, at my old school, there was this Sadie Hawkins dance. I asked another boy to go with me. We were just friends, and we... we didn't even do anything. But when we were waiting for his dad to pick us up, these guys found us, and they...” He hesitated, but Kurt squeezed his hand and he continued. “They beat the crap out of us. It was... really bad. I was in the hospital and then physical therapy so long, I even had to take that year again. It's the reason my parents sent me to Dalton. I thought I'd be over it by now, but I'm still having those nightmares.”
For a moment they were silent, until Kurt spoke up again. “You haven't been having these nightmares since then, though?” he asked.
“I... don't think so,” Blaine said frowning. “I had them for a few weeks after the dance, but then I got better. Dalton really helped. It's just recently that they came back... ever since I moved to New York, I think. I feel like it's getting worse lately.”
“That's why you look exhausted so much,” Kurt said softly.
Blaine shrugged again.
“I wish I could do something to help you,” Kurt said. He looked like he was about to cry as well. Blaine felt his own heart clench at the sight. Involuntarily, he put his hands on Kurt's cheeks to make the other boy look at him.
“You are,” he said as emphatically as he could, “I mean, there's nothing you can do about the nightmares, but you've been helping me so much, you have no idea, Kurt...”
Kurt laughed, although it half sounded like a sob. “I was actually trying to comfort you here,” he said.
“I guess we can always comfort each other?” Blaine suggested.
“Oh, just come here,” Kurt said and pulled him closer, back into the embrace.
They didn't talk much after that. But Blaine couldn't stop thinking while Kurt held him close. He should apologize for all this, but it had really helped that Kurt was so calm about everything and didn't freak out the least. It felt... safe and comfortable, a big difference to the feeling of fear and restlessness that usually kept him awake after these nightmares. Another rare thing was that here, in Kurt's embrace, he actually felt comfortable inside his own skin. Could it actually be this easy?
Even as the thought came to his mind, Blaine knew it was wrong. This wasn't easy. This was complicated, and in a way a betrayal. This, right there, was cheating on his boyfriend, and he should feel awful about it.
But right now, the aftershock of the nightmare still fading from his mind, he decided he would deal with it later. Right now, he could only focus on the feeling of safety, and if that was directly connected to Kurt being close, then this too would be something that could wait till tomorrow.
It usually took Sebastian about an hour spent at the Smythe house to remember just why he wasn't close to his family. His parents had split up years ago in a divorce that Sebastian was sure made the war of the roses look like a pre-school fight. His father had kept the house in Ohio where Sebastian's younger brother still lived - cared for and nurtured by nannies during the few weeks in the year he didn't spend at a private boarding school similar to Dalton - while his mother had returned to her family home in France. Sebastian had never really gotten along with his brother. It wasn't animosity, they just didn't care about each other the least. Their father wasn't home a lot either, preferring to spend his time on business trips.
It wasn't a bad thing. The less they talked, the less they fought, and at least the financial connection was stable.
Thanksgiving hadn't ever been a big deal for the family, but it had proven as a good excuse for why he had to go to Ohio. As he made his way through the house's corridors, Sebastian felt a pang of guilt as he thought of Blaine, alone back in New York. Sebastian really had expected he would go to Ohio as well and spend Thanksgiving with his own family, but then again whatever Blaine's relationship to his parents had been before, it had completely frozen after the spell.
When Sebastian had first heard that Blaine had expected them to stay in New York, he'd felt bad. He had actually considered canceling his trip to Ohio in the hope that spending more time together might help them get closer. But so far, any attempt in that direction hadn't helped, and during Thanksgiving he had the best chance to catch Nerida. In the end, he had decided getting more information about the spell was also in Blaine's best interest.
He found her in the study, sitting with his younger brother Eugene. She was wearing a gown in several tones of dark blue, her usual attire, and her dark hair, streaked with silver, was cascading in waves down her shoulder. He couldn't see her face, but he knew there were hardly any lines around her bright blue eyes, giving her a look of undefined age. Eugene was sitting with her, still as bland as usual. There was a bit of resemblance between the brothers, but he had always seemed a bit undefined. They seemed to be studying, which was something she had never done with him, and they seemed to get along well. Sebastian frowned. This was something he didn't like at all. He didn't know how fairy godmothers worked in particular, but he was aware that she was bound to the same bloodline. Right now, she was still technically bound to their mother, but eventually she would pick either him or his brother as her next charge. Sebastian had counted on her choosing him once the time came. Seeing them together like this was... concerning.
He cleared his throat as he stepped into the study.
“Nerida, do you have a moment?” he asked, ignoring his younger brother completely.
She turned around and raised a silver eyebrow. “Sebastian,” she said. It was almost a drawl. “So nice of you to drop by over thanksgiving. Is this actually you developing some family sensibilities?”
“Actually, I'm here to talk to you,” Sebastian said, “we have to discuss that... favor you've arranged for me. Something has come up.”
“I can't imagine what could have possibly gone wrong,” Nerida said.
Sebastian's temper flared up, but he managed to keep it in check. “Nothing has gone wrong,” he said, “but there are complications.”
For a moment, Nerida looked at him, as if daring him to blink first. He didn't, and eventually she sighed and turned away. “Eugene, if you'll excuse us.”
Eugene had watched between them, but at Nerida's instruction he nodded and walked out of the study, not even looking at Sebastian. Even with seven years between them, Sebastian couldn't really believe the two of them were related. He himself never would have given in this quickly.
“So, Sebastian,” Nerida said, “I assume your visit is connected to how the magic still hasn't been stabilized?”
“It is,” Sebastian said as he sat down opposite her. “Why the hell isn't it stable yet?”
Nerida sighed, and from the look on her face she was already bored with the conversation. “I believe I gave you an accurate description about what you had to expect once the curse hit.”
“You said everything would be set up, but it wouldn't be stable yet,” Sebastian said, “which is why I still remember how things were before the spell, and also why Blaine has been so... affected, since. But you also said once I stabilize it, this new reality couldn't be changed anymore, and then I'd forget those old memories. It's been months, Nerida. I've kissed him a million times! But I still have two sets of memories, and Blaine is still sleepwalking through his life. What the hell has gone wrong?”
“Well, the obvious answer is that you haven't stabilized it yet,” Nerida said.
“You said a kiss would stabilize it,” Sebastian said. Even to his own ears it sounded more like a petulant child than a mature adult.
“I said true love's kiss would stabilize it,” Nerida said, “honestly, didn't I read you enough fairy tales when you were a child? It's the classic solution.”
“I told you, I kissed him!”
“True love's kiss, Sebastian,” Nerida said, “really, it's not that hard a concept. But fine, if you need it spelled out for you, let me explain: what's between you and that boy isn't true love.”
“I do love him!” Sebastian protested. “I changed reality to be with him! And he loves me too, he said so!”
“Of course he said that,” Nerida said, “did you forget you had me put a curse on him?”
“Spell!”, Sebastian hissed.
“Call it whatever you want, it doesn't change what it did. You brought him into a relationship with you, and you made him believe that he loves you. Just because he thinks so, doesn't make it true.”
Sebastian recoiled as if he had been slapped, and cursed himself immediately for being so obvious. He had suspected something like this, but it still hurt to hear it.
“I can't give you any more information than I already did,” Nerida continued, “but the curse won't be stable until you share true love's kiss with him. And as long as it's not stable, it can still be overthrown.”
“How?” Sebastian asked.
Nerida rolled her eyes. “Use your brain,” she said, “but if it helps, I doubt it will come to that.”
“Why?”
“Because the curse won't hold that long,” Nerida said. “Oh, don't look at me like that. The curse is unstable now, and I told you that takes a lot of energy. If things progress the way they did so far, the source of its energy will run out before it's stable.”
“The source...” Sebastian repeated, and he could feel the blood rush from his face when he remembered the day they designed the spell. “Blaine?”
Nerida shrugged. “It was your decision,” she said, “you could have taken it onto yourself, but...”
“I thought I'd stabilize it before that ever became an issue,” Sebastian said.
“Well, how did that work?” Nerida asked. “No, really, how is it working?”
“You know how it's working,” Sebastian ground out.
“Well, how is the boy doing, health-wise?” Nerida asked. “Any problems? Fainting, seizures, general weakness, unexpected bleeding?”
“Nosebleeds,” Sebastian answered, and slowly a feeling of dread started to fill him, “and a lot of migraines. And really intense nightmares.”
“Nightmares? Still?” Nerida asked. “That's impressive.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the bleeding and the migraines are obvious. The curse is connected to him and drains his energy, so that's just him getting weaker. The nightmares are different.”
“Different how?” Sebastian asked.
“Dreams come from the subconscious,” Nerida explained, “so him having night terrors is to be expected in the beginning - it's a sign that his subconscious is fighting the fake reality the curse has given him. But as you said, it's been months - months of the curse siphoning his energy. And yet, he's still fighting it. That is really impressive.”
“Whatever,” Sebastian ground out, “just tell me what I can do.”
“I already told you,” Nerida replied, “there are three possibilities. One, you stabilize the curse and do it soon, with true love's kiss, which means you have to make him fall in love with you - but seeing how far you've come, I wouldn't bet on it. Two, the curse is broken, but that's just about as likely as option one. And finally three, the curse runs out of energy and ends.”
“And Blaine?” Sebastian asked, although he feared what the answer would be.
“He might survive,” Nerida said, “probably won't. But even if he does - and that's a big if - it won't be much of a life”
Sebastian sank back into the chair. His whole body felt cold. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. All he had wanted was to be with Blaine. He had thought he'd be fine with how things were. He even had agreed to help Blaine with his proposal. After the way things had gone down with Hunter he had thought this was his last chance to prove to Blaine he wasn't a bad guy. At the time, it had seemed enough to salvage the tiniest chance of them becoming friends - and to be honest, he hadn't expected Hummel to actually say yes. Even as the Warblers had rehearsed their part, Sebastian had been thinking of how things would develop, how crushed Blaine would be by the rejection, and how much he'd need comfort, and who would be there to give it?
Of course, Sebastian had been wrong, but at first he thought even that could be okay. At least he had saved the chance of being friends. But during the weeks after the engagement he had realized he had fooled himself. He could only watch from afar how happy Blaine was, even if he didn't get to spend much time with his fiancé. Even his hope for friendship had been too much, apparently - Blaine only answered Sebastian's messages very reluctantly, and never agreed to meet him. Eventually, Sebastian had been forced to realize that he couldn't even have Blaine as a friend - and if he stopped lying to himself for even a moment, he had absolutely no interest in being friends with Blaine, anyway. He thought the spell would be the solution to all of his problems. He'd get to be with Blaine, get rid of Hummel completely, and once he'd stabilize the spell, they could be happy.
But Blaine wasn't happy, he didn't love Sebastian, and the spell was slowly killing him. It should have been perfect, and now? Here he was, with the relationship he had wanted more than anything else - and everything was just wrong.
“Does he even want to be with me?” Sebastian asked.
“You put a curse on him to even get him into this relationship,” Nerida said, “what do you think?”
Sebastian gulped against the bile rising in his throat. “But... he isn't forced to be with me, right? He could.... he would leave if he wanted to?”
“He could leave if he wanted to,” Nerida answered his actual question, “of course, the problem here is actually wanting that. See, the one thing he knows for certain is that he loves you - that's knowledge the curse planted in his mind, just as he knows that the earth circles the sun. Apparently, love is important to him. So, yes, if you screw up so bad that he realizes he actually wants to leave you - he'll leave you. Not sure how much it would take to make him see that, though. And even if he did... what good would it do him? The curse would continue to drain his energy. It wouldn't change a thing. Sooner or later, he'd just drop dead.”
“You were supposed to help me!” Sebastian yelled. “This is not what I wanted!”
“It's what you got,” Nerida said uncaringly. “Now if you'd excuse me? I do have better things to do than repeat everything I told you already.”
As she stood, Sebastian stayed in his seat, letting everything she said run through his head again. This wasn't what he wanted - he had wanted the both of them to be happy together. There was nothing wrong with that, was there?
Except...
There was still one way to make things right. If the spell was stable... then they'd be happy. Blaine would be happy too, happy and safe. It was the only chance he left. And the first thing he had to do to make sure of that was to get rid of Hummel.
Kurt fiddled with his cup, as he was sitting at the coffee shop, glancing at his watch. It was the week after thanksgiving, and he was waiting for Blaine. They only talked for a short time when they got coffee before their classes on Monday, but the interaction had been more than a little awkward. Kurt knew they'd have to talk about what happened at thanksgiving between them, and their meetings before class certainly weren't the right setting.
But now as he was waiting for Blaine, he couldn't help but be nervous.
They hadn't talked when Blaine had left on Friday, either. They had hugged, and Blaine had looked calm, but that was three days ago, and in the meantime, Sebastian had returned to New York, and Blaine had had way too much time to think. Kurt had spent most of today and yesterday trying to prepare himself for the expected “it was a mistake”, “we should just be friends” or even “I think we shouldn't see each other anymore”. Of course, he was hoping that Blaine would have come to his senses and leave Sebastian - but with the curse still firmly in place, Kurt realized that this was only wishful thinking.
He looked up at the sound of the door opening, just as he had for the last dozen times. Unlike those times, it was finally Blaine entering the coffee shop. Kurt gripped his cup tighter, steeling himself for what was about to come. He could already tell it wouldn't be good, just from looking at Blaine - he looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but here. Blaine stopped, and Kurt could see him take a deep breath, putting on a brave face, before looking around.
And then, their eyes met. Kurt felt his breath hitch. Blaine's eyes widened, and for a moment they just stared at each other. Blaine's whole face lit up, subtly but unmistakably, as he took in Kurt's sight, and his mouth opened in a silent “oh“. Kurt didn't dare to interrupt their eye contact, but somehow, he felt hopeful. The way Blaine was looking at him, Kurt couldn't imagine him breaking things off.
The moment was broken, when somebody crossed their line of sight. When Kurt saw him again, Blaine looked as if he had just woken up from a dream. He shook his head quickly, and then he was walking up to the table. Kurt stood up as he came close enough, and a moment later they were in an embrace.
After what felt like minutes, Blaine stepped back.
“Hey,” he said, and for a moment he looked at Kurt with his eyes full of emotion, before he sat down at their table. Kurt closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself.
“Hey,” he replied, as he sat down with him, “so... we should probably talk.”
“Talk, right,” Blaine said. “You know, I had it all planned out what I was going to say to you... I had half a speech ready.”
“Am I going to hear it?” Kurt asked.
Blaine sighed. “I don't know,” he said. “I thought I had it all figured out, but honestly? I don't.”
As helpless as Blaine sounded, it was still better than what Kurt had expected to hear. Relieved, he put his hand onto Blaine's. “It's okay,” he said.
“No, it's not!” To Kurt's disappointment, Blaine withdrew his hand. “I was going to tell you we can't see each other anymore.”
That was more in the line of what Kurt had expected, but it still hurt.
“I kept telling myself that I could just be your friend, and it would be fine,” Blaine continued, “but... I can't. I spent the whole weekend worrying about what I was going to do, and then Sebastian came back from Ohio yesterday and... he was really different. I know he kept saying he was trying, but suddenly he actually was, and all I could think of was you, and that I should feel horrible about us, but I didn't. And I... I don't understand it, Kurt. I'm not... This isn't me. This isn't something I do, not really. But I...” He paused and ran a hand through his hair - judging from the state of it not for the first time today. “I cheated on my boyfriend,” he said, “that's a really awful thing to do. But I'm just worried about what I'm going to do next. I don't even feel that bad about it... what does that even say about me?”
“Nothing.”
Blaine looked up at the vehemence with which that single word was spoken, but Kurt couldn't help it. This hit too close to home for him. They were fine - or had been fine before the curse - but it wasn't a subject Kurt wanted to discuss any further than they already had, and he definitely couldn't just sit here and listen to how Sebastian was a wronged party in this. Sebastian didn't deserve any pity, he deserved to get a salad fork stuck in his eye.
“It says nothing about you,” Kurt repeated and took Blaine's hand again despite minor resistance. “But it does say something about your relationship.”
“I screwed up, of course it is about me,” Blaine said. “I cheated on him, how is that Sebastian's fault?”
Kurt sighed. He didn't want to have this conversation. It reminded him way too much about why he and Blaine had broken up a year ago, and honestly, even thinking about that time was still painful. But this was not about them, or their relationship, this was about Sebastian brainwashing Blaine. Kurt had to convince him that in this case, he hadn't done something horrible. But he felt like walking a very fine line if he was trying not to sound like a complete hypocrite.
“Let's start with how Sebastian cheated on you, too, more than once, and still doesn't seem really sorry about that,” Kurt said. This wast safe, not something they had to deal with themselves.
“So what, he cheated on me, now I get a blank check?” Blaine asked. “You can't be serious.”
“That's not what I meant,” Kurt said, “of course that's not how it works, why would you think that's what I meant?”
Blaine's outrage deflated and he sank back in his chair. “Actually, I think Sebastian sees it that way.”
“You mean if it wasn't me?”
“Actually, he thinks that has already happened,” Blaine said. “Remember when I stayed at your place after I found out about him and his... study partners? When I came home the next day he was convinced that you and I hooked up.”
“What?” Kurt sputtered. “And you let him believe that?”
“I told him he was insane,” Blaine said. He frowned as if he had to think hard, but then he shook his head. “He figured I... 'needed to get it out of my system'. Whatever that means.”
“I can't believe this guy,” Kurt muttered and ran a hand through his hair. “But that was actually not the point I was trying to make.”
“Then what is?” Blaine asked. “Because I could really use some advice here.”
“Don't you see?” Kurt asked. “Sebastian cheating on you doesn't surprise me. He's a bastard. No, don't defend him, you know it's true. But you cheated on him, too, and no, that doesn't fit who you are. I don't think you'd do that if everything was alright in your relationship. I mean, maybe you should try to talk about how you feel once in a while, because honestly, people can't read your mind, Blaine, and I get that you don't want to complain, but you tend to build things up in your head until they seem a million times worse than they actually are, and then you overreact and do something really stupid, that could have easily been prevented if you'd just talk to me!”
Finally, he'd run out of breath. Blaine stared at him wide-eyed and uncertain. Kurt reviewed what he'd said and wished the earth would swallow him up.
“Him. Talk to him. Or... you know, anybody. But... talk.”
“Were you really talking about this situation right now?” Blaine asked carefully.
“Maybe. No. I don't know,” Kurt said. “But it's true, and you should think about this.”
“I'll try...” Blaine said. “So... I should talk to him? But I don't even know what's wrong.”
“I kind of got off-track there,” Kurt said, “what I was actually going for is this: you slept with me, because you wanted to - but you wouldn't have if your relationship was actually good, something that made you happy. And again, Sebastian wasn't faithful to you, either. Have you ever thought about whether this relationship is actually good for you, or even something you still want?”
Blaine looked down. “I love him, I know I do,” he said. His voice was low and almost sounded defeated, but there was an unwavering certainty in it that went like an arrow straight into Kurt's heart.
“So you keep saying,” Kurt said. At least he didn't sound as bitter as he felt. Not quite as bitter at least.
“You think I'm lying?”
“No, I'm sure you believe it,” Kurt said, “but that doesn't mean it's true.”
“So you think I don't know what I'm feeling?” Blaine asked.
Kurt could tell he was getting defensive, and that wasn't something he could go up against. He took a deep breath to calm himself down, before he started talking. Blaine wasn't the only one who could prepare speeches.
“I'm saying that things change - feelings change, and just because something was true at one point, doesn't mean it will be that way forever. You've been with him for how long? Didn't you say two years? And that it's your first serious relationship?”
Even saying these lies out loud left a bitter taste in Kurt's mouth, but he had to put that aside now. Blaine was still frowning, even as he nodded, but he was listening now.
“Just because it worked back at Dalton, doesn't mean it will work here in New York. People change, and going to college is such a big cut. I'm not saying you don't care about Sebastian, but did you ever even consider if your feelings for him are still just as they were back then? Or if this relationship is actually making you happy? Because... you weren't happy with him. And that is not about me or anybody else, that is just about you and him. When we met, you were miserable. That relationship was making you miserable. And you deserve to be happy, Blaine. Can you even remember the last time you were?”
Blaine gulped visibly, but he didn't take his eyes off Kurt for even a second.
“I...” he started, but broke off. It took him a few more breaths until he continued. “Not with Sebastian, no.”
“Blaine...” He looked so lost that Kurt couldn't help but reach out to him. “Why are you putting yourself through this?”
Blaine pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair once more. By now, there were only a few sad remains of gel left. “I know that I love him...” he said.
“Why do you always say it like that?” Kurt asked. “Love isn't something you know, it's something you feel.”
“What I feel...” Blaine sighed and shook his head, slowly looking up. “I do have feelings for you, Kurt. I've basically been denying it since we met, but I do. When I'm with you? You make me feel happy... and safe... and alive. I feel like I've been sleepwalking through my life, and then you turn up and wake me up. But this... it's not easy, Kurt. I've been with Sebastian for two years - that's not something I can just throw away. It hasn't been easy for him, either - I'm not easy. I have so much baggage, sometimes I can't even function. I'm still dealing with things that happened years ago, I wake up screaming on a regular base, I get these migraines, sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin... and he's been there all the time, even when things were rough. I just... I don't know what to do. I really, honestly don't have any idea what to do.”
“Just... come here,” Kurt muttered and pulled the other boy against himself in a half embrace. “I know this is hard for you. Look, I'm not going to tell you to choose. I just want you to be okay, Blaine. And right now... I don't think you are. I'll admit I'm biased, but I don't think being with Sebastian is something that's good for you. Just... think about what you really want, okay? And no matter what you come up with - I'll be here. I'll be with you, definitely as your friend, and maybe as whatever you want me to be, but you got me. I won't leave you. Just... think about this, okay?”
Blaine nodded weakly. “Thank you,” he said. “I just... I need some time to think about all this. I'm sorry, I don't want to lead you on or anything, you deserve better, it's just...”
“I get it,” Kurt said. “Take your time. Just promise me you will think about it.”
“I will,” Blaine said, “thank you. You're... god, I really don't deserve you.”
For a moment Kurt considered a sarcastic answer, but he decided against it. “Well, you got me, anyway,” he said instead, “and I promise I will not give up on you.”
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