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[lux_atomica]

I started dating a guy who is pro-life. He knows that I had an abortion with my ex's baby and despite the fact that he doesn't agree with what I did (I intend to post the story later), he respects my decision

Comments

[boudiceaborn]

I don't know you, or how you think about your abortion, but I don't go around happily talking about my abortion as if it's everyday news. It's the sort of thing I would only tell people whom I trust - and part of that trust is knowing that they either support a woman's choice or won't judge me for it regardless of their own beliefs.

I don't think that it's necessarily suppressing of your boyfriend to ask you not to mention it, he just likes you and wants you to be thought well of by his parents.

I do think the abortion/sex angle is something you should consider, though. Even though I would always support a woman's right to choose over the father's wishes, I think that it is unfair to the person that you're dating to give them no say in the matter. If you know that you would abort a child of his, maybe both of you should consider non-vaginal sex or other preventative means. It isn't about being anti-choice, it's about respecting the wishes of the person you're with.

[lux_atomica]

No, I don't broadcast what I did to any and everyone. It's something that only a few people that I trust know about. I shouldn't have worded this as "I started dating this guy..." We've been together for quite a while and were close friends for a long time before that.

I do understand what you mean about being well thought of by his parents. I suppose I forgot that people can change their opinions when they find out such things, so I was angry about that.

We've had this discussion quite a few times before (we love debating). Just today he said that he is pro-choice for everyone else, but he would be pro-life if I were to ever get pregnant. To paraphrase what he said, "If you were to ever get pregnant, we would have to have a loooong talk. And you would have to thoroughly convince me that we shouldn't be having a child."

There is a minimal chance of that happening, since we use condoms and the pill.

[eyelid]

I don't think that it's necessarily suppressing of your boyfriend to ask you not to mention it, he just likes you and wants you to be thought well of by his parents.

To me it's like saying "don't tell my racist parents that you have a black ancestor, I want them to think well of you."

I think that it is unfair to the person that you're dating to give them no say in the matter.

At this point, she's made her position clear. If he wants to continue having sex with her knowing her position, that's his choice.

[boudiceaborn]

"To me it's like saying "don't tell my racist parents that you have a black ancestor, I want them to think well of you.""
-In my experience that's not a valid analogy because I think that relatively intelligent, nice people whom I respect might be pro-life based on their religious beliefs. While I might have a beef with their take on the science, or not care for their religion, I wouldn't put them on the same shelf with the racists.

I agree with your comments that the OP should challege her boyfriend's parents' views on abortions, but I think I'd go about it differently - by arguing the point when it came up in political discussions, and telling my personal story when they've had a bit more on which to base their opinion of me.

[eyelid]

I think that relatively intelligent, nice people whom I respect might be pro-life based on their religious beliefs.

In South Africa many ministers said that Christianity required the separation of the races (and thus apartheid). This is also the position of Bob Jones university.

[boudiceaborn]

Religion is used to justify plenty of abhorrent moral stances, but that doesn't mean that every moral question has a definitive answer or that by saying that some pro-lifers may be respectable, rational people I'm being an apartheid apologist

[eyelid]

The whole "religion endorsed apartheid" argument is hyperbole.

You said that the views of pro-lifers are moral because they stem from religion. I pointed out that racism also stemmed in some cases from religion.

Abortion at its core is sometimes a philosophical/moral argument about when life starts -

I see it as an argument about whether a woman has a right to say who can and cannot use her body. a rapist is clearly alive, yet a woman has a right to say no and defend herself with force.

are you going to cry Bob Jones whenever someone's morality differs from your own?

No, I'm just not going to use religion as an excuse to justify immoral conduct.

I happen to believe that minds are more likely to be changed if I'm not arguing with your tactics here. I'm arguing with your statement that it is ok for a partner to want their partner to hide their abortion from partner a's parents, but not ok for partner a to want partner b to hide their race from partner a's parents. You said the former is ok because "relatively