is she hitting on santa claus?
this holiday season, i can at least partially credit the loss of my mind to the incessant holiday music eight hours a day at bloomingdale's. while many of these songs are any number of things, such as depressing, nonesensical, funny, irritating, jaunty, or just generally ear-grinding...one thing that a christmas song really shouldn't ever be is "disturbing"...and yet, here you have it: 'santa, baby' can really only be described as "disturbing." i mean, does the woman singing this song want to proverbially "get it on" with santa? because i think she does...so, inspired by lauren's in-depth look at 'don't stop till you get enough' (albeit in a far less clever format) here is an analysis of this holiday gem:
santa baby
santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree...for me (uh...she means the fur, right?)
been an awful good girl
santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight ("down the chimney, eh? the "chimney"...eh?)
santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue
i'll wait up for you, dear (i somehow don't see mrs. clause appreciating the pet names)
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight (yeah, this one happen over & over...seriously)
think of all the fun i've missed,
think of all the fellows that i haven't kissed (if you're singing this song to santa, i find it pretty doubtful that there are any fellows you haven't gone for, honey...)
next year i could be just as good
if you check off my christmas list (and that's a pretty tall fucking order, if you ask me)
santa baby, i want a yacht and really that's not a lot (who is this beyotch kidding? elves can't make yachts!)
been an angel all year
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight (i might as well come out and say it...is she referring to her vagina?)
santa honey, one little thing i really need...
the deed...to a platinum mine (i somehow don't see santa having that kind of pull with the slave-drivers in africa...this is becoming a human interest disaster...)
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
santa cutie, and fill my stocking (uh...vagina?)
with a duplex and cheques (oh...right...those'll fit right in there...he'd have better luck with your vagina, i'd say.)
sign your x on the line
santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight (i'd be severely disappointed in santa if he falls for this "cutie" bullshit...she's USING YOU, santa! don't trust the whore!)
come and trim my chirstmas tree (come again?)
with some decorations bought at Tiffany's (haha, oh...right...again...)
i really do believe in you (uh...clearly...)
let's see if you believe in me we can only hope not
santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing...a ring...(now she wants to marry santa? what?!)
i don't mean on the phone (well, then i'm lost...)
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
hurry down the chimney tonight (yep, clearly referring to her vagina.)
hurry...tonight (i don't think he's coming, bitch.)
so, as if this all isn't disturbing enough...sung by marilyn monroe, or madonna or who-the-fuck-ever, a MAN covered it...well, i shouldn't jump the gun and say "man," because i think it might be john mayer...but nonetheless, if one wasn't already creeped out enough...there you have it...a bloke singing this seduction of a fat, bearded man in red who spends all his time with elves. suddenly "jingle bell rock" isn't so bad...
but the one about the chick washing her hair and face in snow is still up there...
and AS I WROTE THIS VERY ENTRY, a most disturbing thing happened...i saw a victoria's secret commercial in which (of all the VS models) HEIDI FUCKING KLUM sings this song...as if it wasn't disturbing enough already.
that, my friends, is irony.
santa baby
santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree...for me (uh...she means the fur, right?)
been an awful good girl
santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight ("down the chimney, eh? the "chimney"...eh?)
santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue
i'll wait up for you, dear (i somehow don't see mrs. clause appreciating the pet names)
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight (yeah, this one happen over & over...seriously)
think of all the fun i've missed,
think of all the fellows that i haven't kissed (if you're singing this song to santa, i find it pretty doubtful that there are any fellows you haven't gone for, honey...)
next year i could be just as good
if you check off my christmas list (and that's a pretty tall fucking order, if you ask me)
santa baby, i want a yacht and really that's not a lot (who is this beyotch kidding? elves can't make yachts!)
been an angel all year
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight (i might as well come out and say it...is she referring to her vagina?)
santa honey, one little thing i really need...
the deed...to a platinum mine (i somehow don't see santa having that kind of pull with the slave-drivers in africa...this is becoming a human interest disaster...)
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
santa cutie, and fill my stocking (uh...vagina?)
with a duplex and cheques (oh...right...those'll fit right in there...he'd have better luck with your vagina, i'd say.)
sign your x on the line
santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight (i'd be severely disappointed in santa if he falls for this "cutie" bullshit...she's USING YOU, santa! don't trust the whore!)
come and trim my chirstmas tree (come again?)
with some decorations bought at Tiffany's (haha, oh...right...again...)
i really do believe in you (uh...clearly...)
let's see if you believe in me we can only hope not
santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing...a ring...(now she wants to marry santa? what?!)
i don't mean on the phone (well, then i'm lost...)
santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
hurry down the chimney tonight (yep, clearly referring to her vagina.)
hurry...tonight (i don't think he's coming, bitch.)
so, as if this all isn't disturbing enough...sung by marilyn monroe, or madonna or who-the-fuck-ever, a MAN covered it...well, i shouldn't jump the gun and say "man," because i think it might be john mayer...but nonetheless, if one wasn't already creeped out enough...there you have it...a bloke singing this seduction of a fat, bearded man in red who spends all his time with elves. suddenly "jingle bell rock" isn't so bad...
but the one about the chick washing her hair and face in snow is still up there...
and AS I WROTE THIS VERY ENTRY, a most disturbing thing happened...i saw a victoria's secret commercial in which (of all the VS models) HEIDI FUCKING KLUM sings this song...as if it wasn't disturbing enough already.
that, my friends, is irony.