guilty pleasures, volume 1
ladies and gents, we all know what guilty pleasures are, and we all have them...i just seem to have a lot more than your average jane or joe. whether it's television, movies, music, food, or magazines, i can't seem to get enough of the stuff we're just not supposed to...get.
as my most rampant issue of late has been wasting way too much time in front of the telly (damn you, dvr...you took my life away), then standing up with that tingly-legs-and-ass feeling, wondering what the hell i just spent 5 hours watching...thanks to the afforementioned dvr, there's even something to watch when there's nothing to watch...goddamn our modern society.
but goddamn our modern society even further for the brainless shit that they produce and make us addicted to. they make us do it, you know. mind control. do you really think tyra banks would be famous-let alone a primetime & daytime television host-if there was no mind-control involved? but i digress...on to my tv guilty pleasures...
7. Top Chef
this one begs the question...if there's nobody hot to root for, what the hell is the point? they're COOKING! while i enjoy eating as much as the next fatty, WHO CARES ABOUT SEEING IT HAPPEN?! COMPETITIVELY!?
this could be the most incredibly boring judging of any reality show ever. you watch them eat. then they say things you don't understand about tartness and consistancy...and it's not like you're jealous, because most of the time they're making those crappy tiny "meals" that you thought only existed in the movie 'pretty woman,' and are completely unaware of the contents of. is it meat? is it a vegetable? is it sweet? is it some combination of meats and sweets? i don't fuckin' know.
so why am i watching?
well, it's just pretty damn funny to see people get really worked up about cooking. I'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS TRUFFLE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!!! WHO TURNED DOWN THE TEMPERATURE ON MY OVEN??? DID ANYONE TAKE THE PRICE STICKERS OFF OF THE PLATES??? I'VE NEVER DONE FLAMBE BEFORE!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
they're so sad and pathetic. and here i am, watching them. because i hate myself almost as much as i hate them.
my pick for season 2:
the guy who looks like teen wolf. i hate him, why wouldn't he last to the end?
6. MTV crap shows
you know what i'm talking about. made, true life, super sweet sixteen (not just those regular, boring sweet sixteens, the SUPER ones, only, please), uh...and i'm sure there's others. this is a genuine case of investigating the other side. what it's like to be truly pathetic. whereas i am pathetic in the way about 98% of america is (i.e. addicted to television and mcDonald's), these people are pathetic in wholly different ways. the 'made' kids cry more than hayden christensen in higher ground and life as a house combined...and about what? some washed up beauty queen wants them to talk to 5 new people during lunch period so they'll achieve their goal of being noticed? i mean, wow...just...wow. and super sweet sixteen reminds us all that no matter how bad life gets, at least our primary concern in life is not keeping freshman out of our party. though i'm sure we average janes and joes would all be happy with the acura that the party girl is going to crash as soon as possible in an attempt to get the land rover that they really wanted.
true life almost doesn't count as a guilty pleasure, because you can learn from it. the show explores cultures that are foreign to most of us, like staten island, the jersey shore, and ohio. we can learn about what makes these people so different from us, and why our worlds should never inter-mix. 'cause they'd kill us all like the euros did to the American Indians.
5. Project Runway
maybe it's because i'm a judger...and clothing is one of the top 3 things i like to judge (no, i am no fashionista, but you see, that is the prerogative of a judger...to judge whatever said judger feels should be judged), but i am known to get pretty into pro-ro. though many of these crap reality shows are built around the "judging" of the contestants, this one just begs its audience to participate in the judging, because "fashion" really is in the eye of the beholder.
well, then you get those cunts like vincent, season 3, who are just atrocious no matter what your age, race, sex, upbringing, and/or social class.
but that's what makes it so brilliant. now, i don't know what the hell the judges are judging on top model, i sure as hell can't taste the food on top chef, and we all know that the dancing/singing shows are pretty much a given as to who's doing well and who sucks. but on pro-ro, we can make up our own mind, then compare notes with nina garcia (why am i listening to the editor of elle?), michael kors (i know when i think of michael kors, creativity and innovation are on my mind...oh wait, i mean beige, black, and blah - to use a well-worn michael kors term), and...who? what? heidi fucking klum? she's a model for fuck's sake...there is absolutely no point in her life where she is even allowed an opinion on clothing choice...ah, so maybe that's why she started this show? hm...maybe she should have stayed home with the babies and let me live in peace from 11-12 every wednesday...but i guess she's gotta feed seal...so, i am shamefully hooked. you go, neck tattoo...go get 'em.
4. America's Next Top Model
i have to first thank tyra banks for keeping 'the soup' in business. while i have never watched her daytime television show, i've seen her victoria's secret work. and i was not happy about it. so why, oh jesus-in-heaven why, do i watch ANTM? i HATE tyra banks. i HATE her so much. she is so fucking arrogant and fake, and...what's the other thing? oh right, STUPID AS ALL GOD'S CREATION. so that pretty much answers the question of why i watch. "let's put on top model and see how tyra makes a fool out of herself this week." will it be her hair? her outfit? something she says? a voice she does? will she dance/sing/freak out/think she's an actual photographer? or will it be all of the above?
let me answer that question for you. it will always be all of the above. every fucking week without fail. that is why we watch.
oh, and to see the girls competeing to endorse every model stereotype you could possibly dream up.
that's right...they even made this one of the challanges on the latest "cycle"...oh, and that's right, too...they call them "cycles"...probably because they cycle them in and out and you really never hear of the winner again, aside from her cover girl campaign, which you'll only see when you watch the cycle that follows that which she won.
and there is one final reason to watch. when tyra takes over the world, are you gonna be prepared? are you gonna know what to do? are you gonna piss her off with your dead eyes and by bitching about your haircut? because i wont. i'll know what to do. because i watched.
3. CSI: Miami & CSI:
i can honestly say that i hate-nay, loathe these two CSI series...i want to stab david caruso repeatedly until he is dead and feed him to william l. peterson for thanksgiving dinner, and i hope that the indigestion kills him, too. their fearless (another word for "incapable of acting but entirely unawares" in the CSI world) leaders aside, i hate the entire cast of both shows. every character is either brainless, lifeless, hideous, or any combination thereof.
look at them...there is no type-able word for the jerking motion my body makes looking at cast photos of them. all together, at the same time. xofjnemrwoigna.
and the plots? awful...the set design? atrocious...the lighting design? appalling...the costume design? abominable.
yet i've found myself watching up to five hours of this shit non-stop. and it's been on for longer than i can remember wanting to pluck my own eyes out every monday and thursday night, so a great many someone elses are out there watching, too. why? it's because i hate it. it inspires a fiery passionate hatred in me that i never knew existed...one that no only-half-interesting A&E special can bring. now, if A&E would bring back their good documentaries, like good ol' American Justice and Forensic Files, it'd be on. but, oh, you see...A&E is playing CSI: MIami...about 37 times a day. so you see my dilemma. and sure, i could stop watching CSI: on Spike...but what better build up for the seething and writhing i suffer at CSI: Miami is there than dub l. peterson and burn-victim co. bumbling around strip clubs and casinos looking for the "clue" that breaks the case? that's right, there isn't a better build-up than that.
and i could also be that i'm a touch masochistic. because it is fucking awful television.
2. CSI: NY
there's been a lot of hate going on. but i'll tell you...i LOVE CSI: NY. oh no, not the plots or the wardrobe or the set design. all are every bit as repulsive as the other two series. well, not every bit...this one has the edge of being the one that was almost edible among the rotten apples. if you don't mind the bruises, CSI: NY is pretty damn close to being Snow White approved. meaning it would be shiny enough that you'd eat it, but it would still kill you. or, uh...put you into a coma...but i digress.
here's why i
CSI:NY: the cast. oh dear, they can act and they're all so pretty!
this is clearly the first CSI series where the producers thought to cast an actor in the lead. and i have a long-standing inexplicable love of gary sinese. so that's what got me watching...and what got me hooked was a suave gent' named eddie cahill. plus i love making fun of danny's accent...and his awkward moments with montana. and hill harper is always a hoot. so you see, now i'm in too deep to ever stop watching. it was a close one last season when they tried to kill off flack...but luckily, he was fine. thank you, CSI: NY.
1. smallville
look at all that...silk...
continuing with the love...i truly
smallville. i
tom welling. i mean, it's pretty obvious how i feel about smallville.
the writing is bad, a lot of the acting is bad, the sets are bad, and the plot has been on a downward spiral that is rapidly picking up speed this season. it was slightly less embarassing to watch it when it started, but i can't stop now. it's far too late.
what it comes down to is that a cynical bitch like me needs something eternally optimistic and uplifting in life. and that's what superheroes provide (thus the obsession of people like my brother with them...what better escape from being physically limited than a world of flying and super-strength?). so...i partially watch it for my brother...and partially because of tom welling's hotness. fair enough, i'd say.
except lately, it hasn't been all too optimistic. it's been downright depressing on several occasions. i almost cried when everyone was pairing up and it cut to clark bouncing a tennis ball off the wall all alone in the barn loft. i don't want to look at superman and want to cry. i want to look at superman and say "that guy will always save the day." and you're trying to take that away from me, smallville.
which is why i think the time has come...i
you, smallville...but it has to end.
it's a shame i had to end that on a real downer...but if you didn't the first time, check the link to how i feel about smallville...it's good for a laugh...
and stay tuned for guilty pleasures, volume 2. i assure you, it will change the world.
as my most rampant issue of late has been wasting way too much time in front of the telly (damn you, dvr...you took my life away), then standing up with that tingly-legs-and-ass feeling, wondering what the hell i just spent 5 hours watching...thanks to the afforementioned dvr, there's even something to watch when there's nothing to watch...goddamn our modern society.
but goddamn our modern society even further for the brainless shit that they produce and make us addicted to. they make us do it, you know. mind control. do you really think tyra banks would be famous-let alone a primetime & daytime television host-if there was no mind-control involved? but i digress...on to my tv guilty pleasures...
7. Top Chef
this one begs the question...if there's nobody hot to root for, what the hell is the point? they're COOKING! while i enjoy eating as much as the next fatty, WHO CARES ABOUT SEEING IT HAPPEN?! COMPETITIVELY!?
this could be the most incredibly boring judging of any reality show ever. you watch them eat. then they say things you don't understand about tartness and consistancy...and it's not like you're jealous, because most of the time they're making those crappy tiny "meals" that you thought only existed in the movie 'pretty woman,' and are completely unaware of the contents of. is it meat? is it a vegetable? is it sweet? is it some combination of meats and sweets? i don't fuckin' know.
so why am i watching?
well, it's just pretty damn funny to see people get really worked up about cooking. I'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS TRUFFLE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!!! WHO TURNED DOWN THE TEMPERATURE ON MY OVEN??? DID ANYONE TAKE THE PRICE STICKERS OFF OF THE PLATES??? I'VE NEVER DONE FLAMBE BEFORE!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
they're so sad and pathetic. and here i am, watching them. because i hate myself almost as much as i hate them.
my pick for season 2:
the guy who looks like teen wolf. i hate him, why wouldn't he last to the end?
6. MTV crap shows
you know what i'm talking about. made, true life, super sweet sixteen (not just those regular, boring sweet sixteens, the SUPER ones, only, please), uh...and i'm sure there's others. this is a genuine case of investigating the other side. what it's like to be truly pathetic. whereas i am pathetic in the way about 98% of america is (i.e. addicted to television and mcDonald's), these people are pathetic in wholly different ways. the 'made' kids cry more than hayden christensen in higher ground and life as a house combined...and about what? some washed up beauty queen wants them to talk to 5 new people during lunch period so they'll achieve their goal of being noticed? i mean, wow...just...wow. and super sweet sixteen reminds us all that no matter how bad life gets, at least our primary concern in life is not keeping freshman out of our party. though i'm sure we average janes and joes would all be happy with the acura that the party girl is going to crash as soon as possible in an attempt to get the land rover that they really wanted.
true life almost doesn't count as a guilty pleasure, because you can learn from it. the show explores cultures that are foreign to most of us, like staten island, the jersey shore, and ohio. we can learn about what makes these people so different from us, and why our worlds should never inter-mix. 'cause they'd kill us all like the euros did to the American Indians.
5. Project Runway
maybe it's because i'm a judger...and clothing is one of the top 3 things i like to judge (no, i am no fashionista, but you see, that is the prerogative of a judger...to judge whatever said judger feels should be judged), but i am known to get pretty into pro-ro. though many of these crap reality shows are built around the "judging" of the contestants, this one just begs its audience to participate in the judging, because "fashion" really is in the eye of the beholder.
well, then you get those cunts like vincent, season 3, who are just atrocious no matter what your age, race, sex, upbringing, and/or social class.
but that's what makes it so brilliant. now, i don't know what the hell the judges are judging on top model, i sure as hell can't taste the food on top chef, and we all know that the dancing/singing shows are pretty much a given as to who's doing well and who sucks. but on pro-ro, we can make up our own mind, then compare notes with nina garcia (why am i listening to the editor of elle?), michael kors (i know when i think of michael kors, creativity and innovation are on my mind...oh wait, i mean beige, black, and blah - to use a well-worn michael kors term), and...who? what? heidi fucking klum? she's a model for fuck's sake...there is absolutely no point in her life where she is even allowed an opinion on clothing choice...ah, so maybe that's why she started this show? hm...maybe she should have stayed home with the babies and let me live in peace from 11-12 every wednesday...but i guess she's gotta feed seal...so, i am shamefully hooked. you go, neck tattoo...go get 'em.
4. America's Next Top Model
i have to first thank tyra banks for keeping 'the soup' in business. while i have never watched her daytime television show, i've seen her victoria's secret work. and i was not happy about it. so why, oh jesus-in-heaven why, do i watch ANTM? i HATE tyra banks. i HATE her so much. she is so fucking arrogant and fake, and...what's the other thing? oh right, STUPID AS ALL GOD'S CREATION. so that pretty much answers the question of why i watch. "let's put on top model and see how tyra makes a fool out of herself this week." will it be her hair? her outfit? something she says? a voice she does? will she dance/sing/freak out/think she's an actual photographer? or will it be all of the above?
let me answer that question for you. it will always be all of the above. every fucking week without fail. that is why we watch.
oh, and to see the girls competeing to endorse every model stereotype you could possibly dream up.
that's right...they even made this one of the challanges on the latest "cycle"...oh, and that's right, too...they call them "cycles"...probably because they cycle them in and out and you really never hear of the winner again, aside from her cover girl campaign, which you'll only see when you watch the cycle that follows that which she won.
and there is one final reason to watch. when tyra takes over the world, are you gonna be prepared? are you gonna know what to do? are you gonna piss her off with your dead eyes and by bitching about your haircut? because i wont. i'll know what to do. because i watched.
3. CSI: Miami & CSI:
i can honestly say that i hate-nay, loathe these two CSI series...i want to stab david caruso repeatedly until he is dead and feed him to william l. peterson for thanksgiving dinner, and i hope that the indigestion kills him, too. their fearless (another word for "incapable of acting but entirely unawares" in the CSI world) leaders aside, i hate the entire cast of both shows. every character is either brainless, lifeless, hideous, or any combination thereof.
look at them...there is no type-able word for the jerking motion my body makes looking at cast photos of them. all together, at the same time. xofjnemrwoigna.
and the plots? awful...the set design? atrocious...the lighting design? appalling...the costume design? abominable.
yet i've found myself watching up to five hours of this shit non-stop. and it's been on for longer than i can remember wanting to pluck my own eyes out every monday and thursday night, so a great many someone elses are out there watching, too. why? it's because i hate it. it inspires a fiery passionate hatred in me that i never knew existed...one that no only-half-interesting A&E special can bring. now, if A&E would bring back their good documentaries, like good ol' American Justice and Forensic Files, it'd be on. but, oh, you see...A&E is playing CSI: MIami...about 37 times a day. so you see my dilemma. and sure, i could stop watching CSI: on Spike...but what better build up for the seething and writhing i suffer at CSI: Miami is there than dub l. peterson and burn-victim co. bumbling around strip clubs and casinos looking for the "clue" that breaks the case? that's right, there isn't a better build-up than that.
and i could also be that i'm a touch masochistic. because it is fucking awful television.
2. CSI: NY
there's been a lot of hate going on. but i'll tell you...i LOVE CSI: NY. oh no, not the plots or the wardrobe or the set design. all are every bit as repulsive as the other two series. well, not every bit...this one has the edge of being the one that was almost edible among the rotten apples. if you don't mind the bruises, CSI: NY is pretty damn close to being Snow White approved. meaning it would be shiny enough that you'd eat it, but it would still kill you. or, uh...put you into a coma...but i digress.
here's why i
CSI:NY: the cast. oh dear, they can act and they're all so pretty!
this is clearly the first CSI series where the producers thought to cast an actor in the lead. and i have a long-standing inexplicable love of gary sinese. so that's what got me watching...and what got me hooked was a suave gent' named eddie cahill. plus i love making fun of danny's accent...and his awkward moments with montana. and hill harper is always a hoot. so you see, now i'm in too deep to ever stop watching. it was a close one last season when they tried to kill off flack...but luckily, he was fine. thank you, CSI: NY.
1. smallville
look at all that...silk...
continuing with the love...i truly
smallville. i
tom welling. i mean, it's pretty obvious how i feel about smallville.
the writing is bad, a lot of the acting is bad, the sets are bad, and the plot has been on a downward spiral that is rapidly picking up speed this season. it was slightly less embarassing to watch it when it started, but i can't stop now. it's far too late.
what it comes down to is that a cynical bitch like me needs something eternally optimistic and uplifting in life. and that's what superheroes provide (thus the obsession of people like my brother with them...what better escape from being physically limited than a world of flying and super-strength?). so...i partially watch it for my brother...and partially because of tom welling's hotness. fair enough, i'd say.
except lately, it hasn't been all too optimistic. it's been downright depressing on several occasions. i almost cried when everyone was pairing up and it cut to clark bouncing a tennis ball off the wall all alone in the barn loft. i don't want to look at superman and want to cry. i want to look at superman and say "that guy will always save the day." and you're trying to take that away from me, smallville.
which is why i think the time has come...i
you, smallville...but it has to end.
it's a shame i had to end that on a real downer...but if you didn't the first time, check the link to how i feel about smallville...it's good for a laugh...
and stay tuned for guilty pleasures, volume 2. i assure you, it will change the world.