[JP] Comfort
[Set in takea_stepback. Jo = huntersdaughter and is used without permission but lots of love.]
The withdrawal was harder the second time around.
It took longer to hit, and he wasn’t sure if that was because he wasn’t quite all human anymore, or just because with all the blood he’d drained, it would stave off his body for a while, and for a while he was fine. But when it did hit, it was crippling. There was no easing into it this time around, and it was painful. Like there was something inside of him, trying to be ripped out and torn away. Something that he needed to survive, and the further away it got from Lucifer being released the more pain coursed through him, and the harder it got to hide.
Keeping it from Dean, Elle, Bobby and everyone else was easy enough. They were around all the time, but they weren’t really paying attention. He considered that a good thing-they weren’t worried about him screwing up and running out again. When it came to Jo, though-Jo was always paying attention. Always. She was always making sure he was okay, and while it had been good to know that there was someone looking out for him still, just like there always has been, the last thing he wants for her to do is worry.
He had managed to cover the pain for the most part. Claims of injuries that happened while he was out helping Bobby with stuff in the yard, and he was fine. Things got harder to hide when the sweats and shakes started, slowly losing control of his body. He started to retreat on himself more and more, and he knew she noticed. He could see it in the way she looked at him sometimes. She was worried, but she didn’t push, which was more than he had any right to ask for.
He was just grateful she was there. Not that he thought she would have left, given the situation, but she could have left him. She had every right to have left him, but she didn’t. He didn’t understand it, and wasn’t sure he even wanted to. He was just going to accept it for now, because he knew that he didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was either her leave him or him leave her, and as much as he knew that he didn’t deserve what she was giving him, he wasn’t about to shrink away from it either.
The shakes started to get worse, and with that came the hallucinations and nightmares. The first night shouldn’t have been as much of a shock as it was, but it was. It jerked him out of his sleep, body shaking and shuddering, pain so intense that it rattled him, and it only doubled with every shake. It didn’t take much to wake her, and even though he wasn’t facing her, he knew the look that was on her face. She didn’t shy away, she didn’t run for Dean or Bobby. She didn’t leave him.
She didn’t leave him.
“Sam,” she murmured softly, one arm coming around to pull him back closer to her. “You need help. You can’t keep hiding it.”
Logically, yes. He knew that. But emotionally, he knew he couldn’t take it. He needed to take this on his own. He had just started the end of the world, and this was his punishment. His punishment for his ill-placed need for revenge and trusting that instinct. He needed to suffer through this one by himself, take his penance for his mistake. He couldn’t stop himself, though, from taking comfort in the fact that she was there, at least for now. He knew after a while that he would be a danger to pretty much everyone around him, before right now he could have her there. That was enough. That was all he was allowed to have.
“Yes, I can,” he mumbled, letting her roll him over to face her and burying his face in her shoulder and clinging to her with all he had. “’Bout time I did something on my own anyway.”
Time for him to take care of himself for a change.
691 words
The withdrawal was harder the second time around.
It took longer to hit, and he wasn’t sure if that was because he wasn’t quite all human anymore, or just because with all the blood he’d drained, it would stave off his body for a while, and for a while he was fine. But when it did hit, it was crippling. There was no easing into it this time around, and it was painful. Like there was something inside of him, trying to be ripped out and torn away. Something that he needed to survive, and the further away it got from Lucifer being released the more pain coursed through him, and the harder it got to hide.
Keeping it from Dean, Elle, Bobby and everyone else was easy enough. They were around all the time, but they weren’t really paying attention. He considered that a good thing-they weren’t worried about him screwing up and running out again. When it came to Jo, though-Jo was always paying attention. Always. She was always making sure he was okay, and while it had been good to know that there was someone looking out for him still, just like there always has been, the last thing he wants for her to do is worry.
He had managed to cover the pain for the most part. Claims of injuries that happened while he was out helping Bobby with stuff in the yard, and he was fine. Things got harder to hide when the sweats and shakes started, slowly losing control of his body. He started to retreat on himself more and more, and he knew she noticed. He could see it in the way she looked at him sometimes. She was worried, but she didn’t push, which was more than he had any right to ask for.
He was just grateful she was there. Not that he thought she would have left, given the situation, but she could have left him. She had every right to have left him, but she didn’t. He didn’t understand it, and wasn’t sure he even wanted to. He was just going to accept it for now, because he knew that he didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was either her leave him or him leave her, and as much as he knew that he didn’t deserve what she was giving him, he wasn’t about to shrink away from it either.
The shakes started to get worse, and with that came the hallucinations and nightmares. The first night shouldn’t have been as much of a shock as it was, but it was. It jerked him out of his sleep, body shaking and shuddering, pain so intense that it rattled him, and it only doubled with every shake. It didn’t take much to wake her, and even though he wasn’t facing her, he knew the look that was on her face. She didn’t shy away, she didn’t run for Dean or Bobby. She didn’t leave him.
She didn’t leave him.
“Sam,” she murmured softly, one arm coming around to pull him back closer to her. “You need help. You can’t keep hiding it.”
Logically, yes. He knew that. But emotionally, he knew he couldn’t take it. He needed to take this on his own. He had just started the end of the world, and this was his punishment. His punishment for his ill-placed need for revenge and trusting that instinct. He needed to suffer through this one by himself, take his penance for his mistake. He couldn’t stop himself, though, from taking comfort in the fact that she was there, at least for now. He knew after a while that he would be a danger to pretty much everyone around him, before right now he could have her there. That was enough. That was all he was allowed to have.
“Yes, I can,” he mumbled, letting her roll him over to face her and burying his face in her shoulder and clinging to her with all he had. “’Bout time I did something on my own anyway.”
Time for him to take care of himself for a change.
691 words