Life seems to have stopped...
Life seems to have stopped...
Life is at a stand still it seems. And I'm not writing to complain, I'm at a good point in my life. I have a great boyfriend, a loving family and great friends. And... I have my pets. But everything seems to have hit a stopping point and I have to sit and wonder, is this all my life is going to be? Working two jobs, struggling to keep the rent payed and the bills taken care of? Being a middle class american with nothing more to look forward to than work and old age? It's kind of depressing. Everyone around me seems to be rushing past, getting ahead, and I have my feet stuck in the mud. I'm not going anywhere...Shit, I don't even have the ability to become a middle class mother. I can't have kids...I can't afford school, shit, I can't even afford to smoke regular ciggarettes. It's just so...manotonous. So boring. I want to travel, or go to school, or at least afford to live my life in comfort and not have to wear myself into the ground to do so. And like I said, I like my life, as long as I have Tinker...the bad things in life don't really matter. But being able to have the nicer things in life would be nice too. I don't want to work two jobs anymore. I don't want to have to rely on shifty room mates anymore. I just want my life to be mine, I don't want to be a slave to the wage anymore. I'm wearing myself out. I know I'm getting sick, I can feel it in my body. I'm dizzy when I wake up in the morning, and I feel like I'm going to faint at work all the time. I'm starting to get a cough too. And I can't do a damn thing about it. Most of it's caused by a lack of sleep, but when I'm supposed to be sleeping is the only time I get to spend with Tinker, cause I work all the damn time. And it's the same routine everyday. Get up, go to work, come home, shower, go to work, get off work, go to denny's, stay up all night with Tink, go to sleep, get up three to five hours later, do it all over again. It sucks. Part of me is happy, to be making it on my own, the other part just wants to break down and cry and give up. I'm so bone weary tired...I'm tired all the time now. I bet if I did ONE round of DDR I would collapse and faint afterwords because of my lack of energy. I don;t even have the energy to clean my own damn house. I just wish things would get just a little bit better... I love my life, but I would like to love it more, with enough time to get decent sleep. I have love, I have a home, I have an entire family of devout and loyal friends, who I love more than my own life. But should I have to pay for it with my health and my body? My ears are still ringing from the heat in Subway this morning. I seriously thought I was going to drop to the floor and possibly never wake up again. I'm so scared that I'm destroying my body, weakening it to the point of final exhaustion. ANd My jobs aren't even that hard. Sean and Mike work harder than I do. It's the lack of sleep that makes it so hard...I need a vacation, with the people I most care about. Just time to rest and relax for awhile, then I could throw myself into this madness again with a fresh mind and a healty body. I just need to get away for awhile...Get away from this madness.
Life is at a stand still it seems. And I'm not writing to complain, I'm at a good point in my life. I have a great boyfriend, a loving family and great friends. And... I have my pets. But everything seems to have hit a stopping point and I have to sit and wonder, is this all my life is going to be? Working two jobs, struggling to keep the rent payed and the bills taken care of? Being a middle class american with nothing more to look forward to than work and old age? It's kind of depressing. Everyone around me seems to be rushing past, getting ahead, and I have my feet stuck in the mud. I'm not going anywhere...Shit, I don't even have the ability to become a middle class mother. I can't have kids...I can't afford school, shit, I can't even afford to smoke regular ciggarettes. It's just so...manotonous. So boring. I want to travel, or go to school, or at least afford to live my life in comfort and not have to wear myself into the ground to do so. And like I said, I like my life, as long as I have Tinker...the bad things in life don't really matter. But being able to have the nicer things in life would be nice too. I don't want to work two jobs anymore. I don't want to have to rely on shifty room mates anymore. I just want my life to be mine, I don't want to be a slave to the wage anymore. I'm wearing myself out. I know I'm getting sick, I can feel it in my body. I'm dizzy when I wake up in the morning, and I feel like I'm going to faint at work all the time. I'm starting to get a cough too. And I can't do a damn thing about it. Most of it's caused by a lack of sleep, but when I'm supposed to be sleeping is the only time I get to spend with Tinker, cause I work all the damn time. And it's the same routine everyday. Get up, go to work, come home, shower, go to work, get off work, go to denny's, stay up all night with Tink, go to sleep, get up three to five hours later, do it all over again. It sucks. Part of me is happy, to be making it on my own, the other part just wants to break down and cry and give up. I'm so bone weary tired...I'm tired all the time now. I bet if I did ONE round of DDR I would collapse and faint afterwords because of my lack of energy. I don;t even have the energy to clean my own damn house. I just wish things would get just a little bit better... I love my life, but I would like to love it more, with enough time to get decent sleep. I have love, I have a home, I have an entire family of devout and loyal friends, who I love more than my own life. But should I have to pay for it with my health and my body? My ears are still ringing from the heat in Subway this morning. I seriously thought I was going to drop to the floor and possibly never wake up again. I'm so scared that I'm destroying my body, weakening it to the point of final exhaustion. ANd My jobs aren't even that hard. Sean and Mike work harder than I do. It's the lack of sleep that makes it so hard...I need a vacation, with the people I most care about. Just time to rest and relax for awhile, then I could throw myself into this madness again with a fresh mind and a healty body. I just need to get away for awhile...Get away from this madness.