to her...
I’m not very good at all of this, so I’m just going to write and tell you what’s on my mind. Before you get scared, it’s nothing bad…it’s actually probably all going to be good. I don’t know when you’ll read this, but I’m just going to write it all tonight and hope it’s soon. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’ve pretty much become my life all over again…and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing to you. I’m not begging for you, I’m not sitting here waiting around, but in the time I spent without you, I learned that being with you is one of the greatest natural highs I’ve ever felt and will ever feel. You do something to me that I can’t explain. You have some kind of hold over me…it’s something that draws me to you no matter what. Even in the time when we didn’t exactly like each other and I didn’t want to be near you, it wasn’t because I hated you and it wasn’t because you made me angry. I felt sick every time I saw you with someone that wasn’t me. That feeling never went away either. I’d see pictures of you and Cole and I’d be jealous that it was him holding you close and not me and that was only a month ago. The last three weeks have been, well, pretty much perfect as far as you and I are concerned. I talked to you for hours every day and I went to bed with a smile on my face because before I closed my eyes, I heard your voice, the one that has calmed me beyond belief so many times, telling me you loved me. you have no idea how much I love hearing that every night. It just feels right to me. you have always felt right to me. last night, I spent three hours in your arms. I could’ve spent three years and that still would’ve been too little. I hated having to walk away from you. You know that every night I’m without you, I wish I was next to you. You make me feel safe by just talking to me. I’ve never felt more at home than when I’m holding you or kissing you. And last night to me felt like we were coming back into ourselves, back into the place that I loved for so long last year. You were my world for the first 5 months of 2008…and now you’re going to be my world for the last month of it. Maybe I’ll get you for a while longer than that too…I’m lucky enough to just be in a room looking at you, but being the person you call yours is something I wouldn’t trade for the universe.
Today was tough…I was afraid you doubted my love…and I’m still afraid you do. I wish there was something I could do that would make you realize that I’m not going anywhere. I feel like we’re both trying to prove the same thing to each other. The only thing I can think to tell you is that I know how I felt for so long last year. Every day of my life was better because you were a part of me. every single day since I’ve met you has been better because I’ve known you and you have changed me in a way that only you could do. I have never felt love the way I feel when I’m with you. I wish that I could’ve convinced you of my feelings last year, because I promise you that I loved you with my whole heart, with my whole soul, with every part of me. that’s still here Allyson. When I see you, my heart fills up and I really feel like my chest is about to burst. When you kiss me, my heart beats a million times faster than it should ever beat. When you look into my eyes with yours, you melt me and I never want to let go of you. Your smile, your eyes, the way you wear your hair on top of your head looking like a beautiful mess, the way you want me to fix your broken finger, …everything about you is perfect Allyson. I don’t want to let you go. I can’t let you go again. I did it once but I can’t do it again. It took an insane amount of strength for me to watch you walk away. You wanted to be free, so I let you fly…but this time, things are different. You’re too important to me and I lived without you for too long. It might seem insignificant, or you might not believe me, but you mattered to me more than anyone ever did. I was your strength…and the things you told me I did for you…I didn’t think it was possible for me to help you like that. I loved you, and I watched you walk away. You left, but you came back. And now, I want you more than I ever did before.
The other night, you told me you wanted to be with me. you told me you weren’t afraid to say it or show it. When we talked tonight, you’d changed your mind. You thought I was mad. I’m not, I promise. I understand better than most that sometimes things change. If you want to take it day by day, then that’s what we’ll do. I swear baby, I will do anything for you. I want you and only you. As long as you know that, we don’t need a title, we don’t need any of that. You said that the title will come, and I believe you. I don’t care when, I don’t care how. As long as I get to hold you in my arms at the end of the night, I’m happier than anyone else in the world. I want you to know that I would never push you to be or do anything you weren’t ready for. I know I’m probably more ready for the title and being out than you are, but that doesn’t mean that I would ever jeopardize your feelings or trust in me just so people would know about us. Having people know isn’t what matters, it’s me knowing that you’re mine, and as long as I know that, I don’t need a title. I just need you. You’re always on my mind, and you’re the girl I want to be with. I don’t want or need anyone else as long as I have you in my life<3 you are so perfect babe…and I’m sure you could find way better..but this teddy bear of yours whispered something in my ear about sticking around because she loves you…don’t let go of her…she’s amazing for you<3
And yeah, it’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Someone’s sleeping in my spot and I’m insanely jealous. I hope that when I finally do fall asleep, I’ll dream of you…I miss you and I love you beautiful…
Today was tough…I was afraid you doubted my love…and I’m still afraid you do. I wish there was something I could do that would make you realize that I’m not going anywhere. I feel like we’re both trying to prove the same thing to each other. The only thing I can think to tell you is that I know how I felt for so long last year. Every day of my life was better because you were a part of me. every single day since I’ve met you has been better because I’ve known you and you have changed me in a way that only you could do. I have never felt love the way I feel when I’m with you. I wish that I could’ve convinced you of my feelings last year, because I promise you that I loved you with my whole heart, with my whole soul, with every part of me. that’s still here Allyson. When I see you, my heart fills up and I really feel like my chest is about to burst. When you kiss me, my heart beats a million times faster than it should ever beat. When you look into my eyes with yours, you melt me and I never want to let go of you. Your smile, your eyes, the way you wear your hair on top of your head looking like a beautiful mess, the way you want me to fix your broken finger, …everything about you is perfect Allyson. I don’t want to let you go. I can’t let you go again. I did it once but I can’t do it again. It took an insane amount of strength for me to watch you walk away. You wanted to be free, so I let you fly…but this time, things are different. You’re too important to me and I lived without you for too long. It might seem insignificant, or you might not believe me, but you mattered to me more than anyone ever did. I was your strength…and the things you told me I did for you…I didn’t think it was possible for me to help you like that. I loved you, and I watched you walk away. You left, but you came back. And now, I want you more than I ever did before.
The other night, you told me you wanted to be with me. you told me you weren’t afraid to say it or show it. When we talked tonight, you’d changed your mind. You thought I was mad. I’m not, I promise. I understand better than most that sometimes things change. If you want to take it day by day, then that’s what we’ll do. I swear baby, I will do anything for you. I want you and only you. As long as you know that, we don’t need a title, we don’t need any of that. You said that the title will come, and I believe you. I don’t care when, I don’t care how. As long as I get to hold you in my arms at the end of the night, I’m happier than anyone else in the world. I want you to know that I would never push you to be or do anything you weren’t ready for. I know I’m probably more ready for the title and being out than you are, but that doesn’t mean that I would ever jeopardize your feelings or trust in me just so people would know about us. Having people know isn’t what matters, it’s me knowing that you’re mine, and as long as I know that, I don’t need a title. I just need you. You’re always on my mind, and you’re the girl I want to be with. I don’t want or need anyone else as long as I have you in my life<3 you are so perfect babe…and I’m sure you could find way better..but this teddy bear of yours whispered something in my ear about sticking around because she loves you…don’t let go of her…she’s amazing for you<3
And yeah, it’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Someone’s sleeping in my spot and I’m insanely jealous. I hope that when I finally do fall asleep, I’ll dream of you…I miss you and I love you beautiful…