Ich bin ___________. I am ____________.
Who am I? Where am I? Why am I here? What am I looking for-What do I want?
Is it odd that I question myself and my life like I would a character in a scene or play? Even though my theory of life is that of all the world is a stage, why am I still stuck on who my character is and what my motivations are?
This is the first time in two years that I have had the chance to “live” with my full family (mom, step-dad, and little brother). As they make fun of everything I used to be insecure about, I realize just how much I have grown since my junior year. I do not mind them poking fun, I just brush it off knowing I have heard it all before. I have overcome my dislike of my long features (toes, fingers, and arms) and learned to embrace them. I have realized that I am more comfortable in many situations that I would not have been before, this all comes with age.
The thing about being here, especially with everything that has happened in the past year, I find my mother opening up to me. She is so much more true to me about everything. I found out that Eric’s affair went further than he had said. I found out that my mom was not completely faithful either. I am saddened by this information because of the respect that I hold for both of them. I am also freaked out because I have no hope for what is to come of my love life in the future. I believe that every child has a view of what they think true love should be. Learning everything that I have, I do not know if I can really believe in true love. My idea of love is so twisted by the movies that I just do not know if I can handle it. But, is it the love I cannot handle… or is it just the idea of fully trusting another person or even myself?
Trust is such an important aspect of my life right now, apparently. After breaking up with Carey, I still want that same ability to open up. I thought that I would do okay with that, but I am struggling. It is so hard to really talk about what is deeply on your mind. It is easy to talk about what happened or what is going on… but when it comes to emotions and how you feel that is scary shit. I want to be able to talk about anything and everything and not have to censure myself or my emotions. I know that I want to be able to do this from someone, but I also want to be free sexually. Is that how I am going to be forever? Is it just an age thing or does it depend on the person? That part is confusing… I will figure it out as I learn and grow though, so that is okay. My mom was telling me I am probably like all the other women in my family. I shall discuss that another time though. Essentially it means I am fucked to ever being in a real, long lasting relationship. (By the way did you know my Grandma Chris was in an OPEN marriage? That means she and my grandpa could still get with whoever they wanted as long as they would tell each other. That amazes me.)
Now, about Europe… I am really struggling with the time difference. I am getting better with the sleeping, but I hate not being able to talk to people. Not having a cell phone is a very odd feeling. I cannot check for texts, calls, or even the time. It is so weird walking around all day having no concept of the time or even the date. I do love being able to go to a bar or liquor store and just purchase alcohol. I really like being able to drink. I had this awesome cherry beer that I hope to find in America. World Trade Market, anyone? I also love flirting with all the European cuties. I am so excited to go to Barcelona, Spain and meet some beautiful boy who will take me out. I should really stop watching movies.
I am excited to get back though. I have a bunch of babysitting jobs lined up. I also have temporary transpiration. I think I will most likely be making around five hundred dollars a week. Then in July it is off to Los Angeles, which should be absolutely amazing. I am really hoping to learn a lot from Second City. Then I will come back and be ready to improv for You Mangy Kids! I am trying to see if I will have time to make it out to Massachusetts for a long weekend or something at the beginning of August. I would really like to see everyone and the kids I used to sit for.
Well, I guess those are my current, recurring thoughts. Not much different from the last note, but it is written in a different way. I think I know what I want and what I need. I just should ignore my random, odd, annoying, nonsensical emotions for people and focus on my dream, which should always overcome everything else anyway.