Something that is really Nothing.
It is okay to ask for help. Step back and appreciate all the nice people. Stop turning them away. Why must I turn away the people that have been kind to me? Why is it that I am scared to love and be loved back? Why is it every time I feel a butterfly, I do something to kill it? Why?
I am not a bad person. I do my best to be genuine. I want to be true to you and I want to be true to myself. I do not really know why to the questions above. I have several hypotheses, but I think overall I should go to counseling. I do not feel normal. I mean, I do not like being a normal person… But, I would like to have normal emotions.
Yes, again with the whole relationship thing. I find it kind of ironic how much I want a boyfriend to fall in love with and kiss ever so randomly, yet at the same time, relationships and Hailey Jones do not, and I repeat, do not get along. Why can’t I open up to someone and share myself in a healthy emotional and physical way? Is it because I have been fucked with so much in the past that I feel every time I feel comfortable with a person I am going to get fucked over? I mean really, it always happens. It is rare that I actually like someone. It is rare that it actually works out. But, when it does, there is always some inner conflict that keeps me from allowing to work out. I mean what the fuck? WHY!? Some might come to the conclusion that I just have not found the right person yet. My question is, how do I know if I found him and then just fucked things up? See, I am pretty sure this is what has happened.
I feel so fucked up. How can you want something so bad and then once you get it think “okay what’s next?” It just doesn’t seem normal. I am sure glad that the career path I have chosen is full of rejection too. I seem to handle it well. Not really. I am glad that I have always known what I have wanted to be, but why a fucking actress? It really is the worst idea ever. I have such a strong passion for it, stronger than anyone I have ever met, and it gets me fucking nowhere. I seriously would not be this depressed with my life if I was in a play right now. What the hell? It is fall, there for, I should be in the fall play. Okay, fall play, where the fuck are you? I keep auditioning and nothing. “Nothing! They called me nothing”. That’s right I quoted A Chorus Line.
But, I really do feel hopeless. And like nothing.
I am not a bad person. I do my best to be genuine. I want to be true to you and I want to be true to myself. I do not really know why to the questions above. I have several hypotheses, but I think overall I should go to counseling. I do not feel normal. I mean, I do not like being a normal person… But, I would like to have normal emotions.
Yes, again with the whole relationship thing. I find it kind of ironic how much I want a boyfriend to fall in love with and kiss ever so randomly, yet at the same time, relationships and Hailey Jones do not, and I repeat, do not get along. Why can’t I open up to someone and share myself in a healthy emotional and physical way? Is it because I have been fucked with so much in the past that I feel every time I feel comfortable with a person I am going to get fucked over? I mean really, it always happens. It is rare that I actually like someone. It is rare that it actually works out. But, when it does, there is always some inner conflict that keeps me from allowing to work out. I mean what the fuck? WHY!? Some might come to the conclusion that I just have not found the right person yet. My question is, how do I know if I found him and then just fucked things up? See, I am pretty sure this is what has happened.
I feel so fucked up. How can you want something so bad and then once you get it think “okay what’s next?” It just doesn’t seem normal. I am sure glad that the career path I have chosen is full of rejection too. I seem to handle it well. Not really. I am glad that I have always known what I have wanted to be, but why a fucking actress? It really is the worst idea ever. I have such a strong passion for it, stronger than anyone I have ever met, and it gets me fucking nowhere. I seriously would not be this depressed with my life if I was in a play right now. What the hell? It is fall, there for, I should be in the fall play. Okay, fall play, where the fuck are you? I keep auditioning and nothing. “Nothing! They called me nothing”. That’s right I quoted A Chorus Line.
But, I really do feel hopeless. And like nothing.